Total Drama Action Replay
by Slimy-Pennies
Summary: After the events of TDA, another season starts up with a predictable alphabet theme! Who will win? Who will lose? Will they survive! And why the hell is there a robot lion, a floating plant jester, a sexual deviant biker, and... Augh! Is that a demon? No, no, this is too much... Stop! That's too crazy! God... This episode, a contestant makes some bad choices with the supernatural.
1. And You Are?

What up, I originally posted this fic on Deviantart under my account Slimy-Pennies (note the dash, it's inconsistent), and there's been multiple chapters since I first uploaded it a year ago (Jan 1st 2016!), but it's not done yet! I'm uploading it here so more people can see my hell.

If you don't get a reference, just move on, it's probably friend-related and it gets more sparce as the fic moves on! I'd like to thank my friends for giving me confidence and generally being cool. Thank you, there are 10 episodes up right now on DA, but I wanna get it here too.

* * *

Chris stood in front of the Film Lot in his usual intro spot, preparing himself so he could look TV-ready and impress everybody with his quote-unquote "awesomeness".

"Last time, on Total Drama Action!" Chris yelled his signature yell that probably caught you a little off guard the first time you watched a Total Drama episode, "It was a tense battle between Duncan and Beth as they duked it out down to the wire for a million bucks!"

Chris stopped, obviously upset. "It was decided by a vote." A single tear went down Chris's face in an overdramatic fashion, "An entire season was decided by a vote? Why did we think that was a good idea? And Duncan won? I don't even give two shits about half of these kids, and even I know for a fact that Beth should've won that vote. I mean, what? Is it because of those clips I showed? Does that even matter in the long run? And before then, how was Beth even able to keep up with Duncan in the running segments and stuff with her having a less athletic body than Duncan and shorter legs? And what kind of colour is burnt sienna?"

A tiny sigh came from Chris, "Well, okay. I'll admit it, last season sucked. It sucked a whole lot." He perked up a bit and flashed his signature grin, "That's why we're doing a new one! We're here in this abandoned film lot in beautiful Toronto, Ontario! It isn't as beautiful as Newfoundland, but that's probably my nostalgia talking and we're pretty much stuck with it. 'Chris?' You may ask, 'Why are you doing another season here if last season sucked so bad? Bring back the island!' Well, tough luck. We sold the island and we're stuck with this freaking set, as I just said 5 seconds ago, you stupid piece of shit."

Chris grinned a large grin that exuberated confidence and smugness with a dash of overblown cockiness in it, "I'm pretty sure this season's gonna succeed. Just watch and see the thrills, chills, and the bills. And by bills, I mean a million dollars. Watch it right now on Total Drama Action Replay!"

A voice came from off camera, "Is that honestly our name for this season? Why is it so dumb?"

"Shut up, Les!" Chris yelled, "I haven't even introduced you yet, so zip it! Turn off the camera, we're transitioning over to where we're going! ...Where are we going?"

* * *

Chris and Chef were standing on the Walk of Shame, waiting for the Lame-o-sine to arrive.

"So we're here at the Walk of Shame, completely against any and all knowledge I had of how this day was gonna go down." Chris started whining, "I'm the host of this show! Why didn't I know about this?"

"Chris, we agreed on this. All that hair gel must be getting to your brain." Chef snarked.

"...No. If we agreed on this, then I would know about it."

"You were doing your hair and I asked you. You said yes. We agreed."

"Ah! No, I just ignored you because I assumed you were just complaining about your wages again."

"...Fuck you, I'm getting underpaid."

"...Okay, fine. I can see your point. Not gonna change anything, though." Chris grinned, "We're waiting for our contestants, who will be arriving soon. Then there's no escape. Mwahahaha!"

"What the hell was that?" Chef asked.

"My evil laugh. I've been reading way too much fanfiction. I mean, I have to read them in order to know what my creative fans think of me! It's... okay? I guess? One of them starts with me picking my nose? I don't do that!" Chris started yelling adamantly, "Obviously, I hire an intern to do it! Who do I look like? Ryan Seacrest? No!"

"You wish you looked like Ryan Seacrest." The same unknown voice from earlier said calmly.

"Shut up, Les. I got you fireworks for your intro, and a tiger, and Tabitha St. Germain to come and blatantly lie to everybody about how "awesome" you are in various shitty voices so you would shut up and let me reveal you later! What else do you want? What else could you want?! I'm pretty sure you're not _supposed_ to want things!" Chris yelled, obviously infuriated, "Speaking of which, I wonder how Tabitha's holding up?"

* * *

Tabitha St. Germain was cramped in a wooden crate with a massive tiger stuck in with her. The only thing standing between her and a gruesome fate was a buttload of fireworks, which she was hitting the tiger with.

"Back, tiger, back! This isn't worth the money. I won a Dora Award!" Tabitha complained, "I swear, somebody's getting an earful when I get out of here and-"

By some insane troll logic, the firework she was holding lit up.

"...Oops. Why does this always happen to me?"

By some more insane troll logic, all the other fireworks lit.

"Oh, come on!"

* * *

 _ **BOOM!**_

Chris sighed, "Well, there goes the intro. And the tiger. And Tabitha. Pity. I swear, when are these contestants going to arrive?! I've been waiting, and there's already been a cutaway gag! What is this, Family Guy? I can't stand this anymore! I swear, if the Lame-o-sine doesn't come here in the next 5 seconds, I'm quitting!"

Chris stared intently at Chef, "Count the seconds, Chef."

"Fine." Grumbled Chef, " 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Beep beep, time's up."

"That's it!" Chris cried, "I quit!"

In that moment, the Lame-o-sine rolled up.

"...It's not exactly what I wanted, but late is better than never." Chris said, "Anywho, let's get this show on the road!"

He opened the door, and out tumbled a rather tall, muscular girl who had black hair, was wearing a green hoodie and had glasses that obscured her eyes so much, it was borderline impossible to see them. Her face was as green as her hoodie.

"Aw man, Emile! What happened?! You didn't vomit in the Lame-o-sine, did you? That's a rental! It'll cost me a fee, and less money means less hairgel!"

"N-no. There was a lot of turning and b-bumps... I'm getting kinda sick just thinking about it." Emile stuttered and gargled, her southern accent making her voice more incomprehensible, "I never vomited in the Lame-ohhh... W-wait a sec while I just-"

She then proceeded to puke all over Chris's shoes.

"My shoes! Those are really expensive shoes! Wait, she's still vomiting." Chris paused to gag a little, "...Oh. Ohhhh. That's really disgusting. What did you even have for breakfast this morning? This reeks. ...Clean up on Aisle Me."

Emile got up, brushed herself off, wiped the traces of vomit off her face, and looked around at her surroundings. Unsurprisingly, there was no other people besides Chris and Chef. On the opposite side of the 'Surprise Scale', she started panicking.

"Where is everybody?" Emile whimpered, "A-am I late? Am I at the wrong location? Did they all die?!"

She ran up to Chris, grabbed him by the collar, picked him up, and started shaking him relentlessly, "I require answers, man, answers! What is going on?! Why is this place so empty?! Wait... w-what if you're behind all this?! You'll never take me alive!"

Emile threw Chris on the ground, kicked in him in the crotch a grand total of 3 times as hard as she could, and, for the cherry on top of the shit cake, ran over Chris's body while she fled.

"Ughh..." Chris groaned, "When some of the interns called her a neurological wreck, I thought they were overreacting." He stopped to groan again, "I-I thought they were kidding. This chick will be a problem, won't she? Cut to commercial, because we'll be right back on Total Drama Action Replay... ow."

Chef sighed, "This is a fanfiction, Chris. It doesn't have commercial breaks."

The response he got was a little moan of sadness.

"At least go get her before she bombs the place or something."

"Fine."

* * *

A couple of minutes later, and Chris was still on the ground, but Chef returned with Emile. Even though Emile calmed down, he still had her plopped over his shoulder.

The Lame-o-sine pulled up again, and a girl stepped out. She had glasses, but they were a lot smaller than Emile's, and was wearing a dark blue sweater. Her most notable feature was her hair, which was blonde with blue tips, and maybe her braces.

Chris grinned a little, "Finally! It's Deedee! Somebody else! Please, save this show and interact, you two!"

"Can y'all p-please let me down first?" Emile stammered, "This guy is scarily tough, carrying me like this... and he kinda smells. Also he-"

A quick drop to the ground shut her up immediately.

"I said, communicate!"

Emile slowly edged towards Deedee, a look of suspicion plastered across both party's faces. They exchanged careful glances and slowly mentally prepared themselves for the worst case scenario. The only sounds in the awkward, suffocating silence was their quiet breathing.

"Umm..." Emile finally spoke, reaching her hand out to Deedee, "I'm Emile. Glad to-"

Deedee completely ignored Emile's hand, grabbed her by the collar of her hoodie, and stared at her in the creepiest way one could stare.

"I sense bad omens inside of you." Deedee said in a low tone.

It took Emile a second to process that information and properly respond with the most intelligent sentence known to man, "What?"

"Cheese!" Deedee shoved Emile onto the ground. "I freaking love cheese!"

The Lame-o-sine rolled down the runway, and out popped a dirty-blonde girl who exuberated an aura of unpleasantness. She wore a rather cute purple miniskirt with a purple tanktop, and had a crown that had red jewels embedded on it, on her left arm was a black dragon tattoo. On her shirt was a button with an angry face on it, and on her wrists were giant, bulky, black bracelets. As she walked, her high heels clacked menacingly with each step, as if there was a clock counting down to everybody's doom, and each clack signified a second lost.

"What is up, faggots? I see you're all preparing for my arrival. I mean, little green riding hood is already bowing down to me!" She said pompously, "I'm Tiffany, obviously. I mean, who could forget me?"

Tiffany walked over to Emile, who was struggling to get back up, "Hello, my future backstabbing victim!" She nudged Emile with her leg, causing her to fall back down, "How's about we form a special alliance? It'll be special because I'm in it!"

Chris looked at his notebook and wrote something in it, presumably something negative. He then looked up at Tiffany with a disapproving glare, "Honestly? Another blonde bitch in a Total Drama fanfic? Was there even a canon blonde bitch? Really, the only one I can think of is Amy, possibly Sugar if you think her freudian excuse is bull, and maybe Blaineley, but they're all minor characters and not very game-oriented. ...Also, they technically shouldn't exist because this season's after Action. If we're going to talk about canon, blonde characters are typically the nicer ones, I mean, we've got Lindsay, Bridgette, Owen, Dakota... Honestly, is it because of the media? Are we so used to seeing blonde girls typecasted as mean that we cannot accept it otherwise? Who's the real monster here?"

He then watched as Tiffany sat on Emile's shoulders, trying to hitch a ride, kicking her in the face multiple times in the process. Emile struggled underneath Tiffany's leg assault, and tried to stand up, but eventually both of them fell. Deedee, who was nearby, giggled and clapped.

"Okay, maybe she is the monster. But why a blonde? ...How is the Lame-o-sine arriving so quickly after departing? Like, is it only around 500 feet away or something?"

"Yes." Was the simple response of the offscreen voice of mysteriousness.

"Shut up, Les!"

Said Lame-o-sine pulled up again, and yet another girl (Why are there so many girls here?) who was the textbook definition of 'imposing' exited the vehicle. Her deep red jacket, her dirty stained white shirt and red boxing gloves with a spike on each one brought to one's mind a really terrible bloodbath, and she had the most spiky brown hair that could exist in this dimension or maybe even another.

"What is up, my fellow contestants? I'm Ouida, but you can all call me Skippy."

A quick groan escaped Emile's lips as she remembered Tiffany's first words, "Why is everybody here such an ass?" She looked up at Tiffany, who was still sitting on her, "Can you maybe, please, if you will, get off?"

"No."

"Aw."

Skippy walked towards the duo, a look of curiosity burning in her eyes.

"Whatchu talkin' bout?" Her voice came off as sugary sweet.

Tiffany looked at her with a look of disgust, "We were talking about how Skippy's a dumb nickname."

"...What?!" Both Skippy and Emile yelled at the same time, then Skippy continued, "Do you really want to start this?!"

Skippy reached into her pocket and pulled out a lighter, flicked it on, and shoved it close to Tiffany's face. At the sight of the lighter, Tiffany started sweating bullets.

"Uhh... It was her!" Tiffany started yelling, "She started it!"

"Wait, what?!" Emile yelled back.

As Skippy's Kubrickesque glare shifted from Tiffany to Emile, Tiffany ran off, leaving Emile behind to deal with the angry girl.

"I-I didn't say anything!" She stammered as she swung dizzily to her feet, "I swear on m-my life! You heard her say that, r-right?!"

A quick grunt from Skippy showed that she was ready to believe her, "Alright, fine. Other girl's getting beaten up. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for a couple weeks, months, years! But eventually she'll pay. ...But I'll probably punch her face in a couple hours from now, I mean, I ain't patient. And..." She turned her head to see Deedee flailing on the ground, "...What is that chick doing? Hang on, I'm going over there."

"How did you even manage to do that?" Tiffany popped up behind Emile, causing her to jump and fall back on the ground, "No, honestly. How did you of all people manage to do that? I haven't been here that long, and I already know that you're weak."

"What do you mean, weak?"

A malicious grin spread across Tiffany's face as she stepped on Emile, "Well, first off, you're pathetic and sad and empty. When I first saw you, you were on the ground, smelling like vomit." She sniffed the air, "You still do. I mean, you let me sit on you. That's got to say a lot about how much of a doormat you must be. Unless you're gay or something. That would make sense, honestly, you actually do have all the characteristics. I mean, you're an ugly shitstain. That has to count for something, right? It's a little funny."

While Tiffany was talking, the Lame-o-sine drove by and a jester floated out. No, I'm not joking. Floated. I swear on my life. His costume consisted of a mask that covered his entire face, a hat which fit the normal 'jester' mold, and a sleeveless suit that covered the rest of him. His entire ensemble was purple and light, and his arms were thick green vines with small black tendrils covering them, purples roses popping up amongst the blue thorns.

"Ah, yes! How terribly exciting! Here I am, on Total Drama! Zipp is here to stay and enjoy the ride! Speaking of ride..." He turned around to wave at the Lame-o-sine while it zoomed off, "Thanks for the ride!"

Chris looked down at his checklist again, "And speaking again of the ride, who drives the Lame-o-sine?"

"Oprah Winfrey." Zipp calmly stated, "Now, how about a spot of tea, eh?"

"What?"

The Lame-o-sine skidded by, and stayed still for a moment. Some muffled yelling could be heard from inside, until a girl was launched out of it. She was wearing a blue hat with a letter on it, a blue jacket, and carried a blue bag. Her dark brown hair was pinned back into a sloppy ponytail, a cigar was held loosely in her mouth and an eyepatch covered her right eye.

The Lame-o-sine's front window rolled down, and Oprah Winfrey popped her head out of it, obviously angry.

"And you get kicked out! Everybody gets kicked out!" Oprah yelled.

"But why do you have so much mail?!" Yelled the girl, "I mean, 50% of my route is dedicated to you! Why even?! This mail carrier needs variety to survive!"

Oprah simply glared at her as she rolled up the window.

A muffled shout of "Bees are coming!" came from inside the vehicle.

She then proceeded to drive off, and, by some insane troll logic, the car exploded.

"Told you!" Zipp chuckled.

Chris sighed, "Really? Two tv people? Honestly and truly? Ace, why? We're gonna get sued, we can't keep doing this."

Ace reached into her bag, grabbed a package, and handed it to Chris, "Will this cheer you up?"

Chris accepted the box, and opened it, "Oh wow! Is this hairgel? It is! I absolutely adore this stuff, man! Thanks, Ace! I-" He stopped angrily, "Wait, what the hell is this brand of hair gel?! Manly-Man?! I only use Gellix brand!"

He threw the package back at Ace, causing her to tumble backwards.

"...Jerk." Ace walked towards the crowd, "Is there a 'Flam' in this crowd? I've got a delivery for him!"

"And you've just been lying there, taking my spiel for like, 10 minutes now. How much of a doormat are you?! And-" Tiffany stopped her rant to turn to Ace, "There isn't a Flam here, missy." She turned back to Emile, "You're just a fucking wimp. Not once have you struggled. Not once have you even bothered to defend yourself. It's because you know it's true. You know, deep down, that you're just a stupid, pathetic, little waste of space. And-"

"Yo."

A swift kick to the head knocked Tiffany face first onto the ground, knocking her out.

"You don't attack an innocent person. That's rule #1 in the 'Not-Being-A-Dick' handbook."

Tiffany's assailant was really short, and a little on the round side. He had a red hoodie on, covering up his blue baseball cap with it. On his face, he wore a white mask with plain holes for eyes and a mouth, a single red marking covering the left eyehole. He reached his hand out to Emile's and helped her up.

"You okay, miss? I'm Soren, by the way."

"Well, uh, I'm Emile." Emile stammered, "I'm alright, t-thanks for getting her off of me. Y'know, despite it being a little over the top and violent..."

"What the fuck, actually?" Ace butted in, "You just kicked her right in the head, that's terrible!"

"Well, it worked?" Soren shrugged, "I don't try to fix what isn't broken, dude. You try saving a chick without any force. ...I'd actually love to see that."

"S-still..." Emile added, "Thanks..."

If this was an actual show, some really fitting, yet hilarious, background music would be playing right around now. Maybe the opening bit of Careless Whisper. Maybe Sex Bomb.

Chris shoved in between Emile and Soren, "Ding ding! Do I smell romance? Get a room, you two!"

His sudden interference caused Soren and Emile to back up away from Chris slowly, then make like A Flock Of Seagulls and run so far away, leaving a confused Ace behind.

"Why?" Ace asked, "Why you gotta do that? That was uncomfortable for everybody."

"Ugh." Chris sighed, "Everybody's an anti-shipper."

Chris walked up to where the Lame-o-sine usually pulled up, and, right on cue, the Lame-o-sine settled next to him. He opened the door, and a boy with rainbow hair stepped out. He had a blue hoodie with the familiar mark of a cloud with a rainbow lightning bolt on the pocket. His grey headphones had a familiar orange squid on them.

"Hey, Flam." Chris grabbed him and held him rather close. Uncomfortably close. Like, borderline calling the police levels of close. "You a shipper?"

"Oh, am I! Flarity's, like, the shit!" Flam squeed, "But, Twidash does have my heart firmly grasped within its blue and purple grasp. I also really like Bee and Deckard, but I dunno the ship name!"

"...Does anyone know what this kid just said?"

Ace raised her hand.

"Yes, Ace?"

"Well..." She said, "I have no clue, but-"

"Well, then you're of no use to me." Chris deadpanned, "Anywho-"

"I said but!" Ace yelled, "I wanted to say-"

Chris interrupted again, "Fine then, talk on."

Ace's palm reached her face at a record speed, "Do you always have to cut me off? Anyways-"

"I'll have you know, what I say is very important! So, stop your blearing and-"

"Can you not?! I'm trying to say-"

"Yes, b'y! I'll do what I damn well want to, you maul mouth! I'm the host, and-"

"What even is a maul mouth?! And-"

Chris then devolved into a swearing mess of Newfie slang and weird euphemisms that would probably simultaneously shock and disturb you while making you die of laughter if I told you them. I'm actually partially responsible for you, so you dying is not a good thing for me, thus I won't tell you them. What I will tell you, however, is that Ace took this opportunity to walk over to Flam.

"So, you're Flam?" Ace inquired.

"Yes, and?"

Ace handed her parcel over to Flam, "Delivery for one Mr. Flam Knox."

"Hey, thanks!" Flam started to open the box, "I wonder what it is..."

He reached into the box, and pulled out a plushie of a light orange pony with a blue mane.

"Aw, cool! It's that plushie of my OC that I ordered!"

Flam inspected the plush carefully, looking over every detail.

"Oh, wow, this is awesome. I really underpaid for this... I-I kinda feel a bit guilty, tbh. I really should've coughed up more cash for something this good, I mean, time and care went into this, and I only paid a couple bucks for it."

He looked into the camera and grinned a little, "Yo, Hakkit! Thanks for the plush! It's amazing, so free advertisement for you!"

"Uh, dude?" Chris nudged Flam's arm, "Is that a pony?"

"Eeyup, she's my OC, Electro Jolt!"

Chris tried to stifle his laughter, but failed miserably, "Alright, then." The Lame-o-sine screeched to a halt next to him, "Maybe the next contestant will be less cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, eh?"

He opened the door, and it seemed he was wrong. Of course, appearances are deceiving, but when you see a girl step out of the Lame-o-sine with brown hair that resembled a turd, a white labcoat and a blue shirt caked in dung, and was just all around covered in shit, you would just never even bother with disproving the appearances. You would just run away from the horrendous stench and probably wash yourself 8,756,139 times just so you would never end up like that.

"Oh shit." Chris cried, "Literally."

"Sorry about the smell, guys." The girl said, "I had to skip my shower in order to make it here in time."

"Honestly, Idalene? One shower? You really think one shower will fix that?" Chris snarked.

"Hey!" Idalene yelled defensively, "That's just what happens when you're a scatologist! You study excrement all day, everyday, and then you smell. It's actually pretty shitty."

The stench caused Tiffany to spontaneously wake up.

"Ohh... What happened?" She dizzily asked.

Tiffany proceeded to sniff the air, which knocked her out cold again.

"Woah." Chris said amazed, "You knocked her out so quickly, it reminds me of that time I punched a baby!"

* * *

Chris stood next to a baby carriage and readied himself. In the carriage was a small infant, who was holding a lollipop. Chris walked a couple steps back, and prepared his punch. He swung his arm around a bit to stretch it, and started running towards the carriage. He jumped up into the air, and swung his fist down upon the baby hard.

The baby's head popped off, revealing it to be a doll. Chris turned to the camera.

"What?" He asked, "Did you really think I was going to punch an actual baby? Sicko."

* * *

Idalene sighed in relief, "Holy mackerel, I actually thought you were going to punch a baby. I'm pretty glad you didn't, because if you did, I would have to murder you slowly with the poison samples that's in my shit."

Chris looked uneasy, "...Alright then... Why would you think that I would do that, though?! I'm not a madman! Sure, I do illegal things, but punching a baby?! No way! I mean-"

"Boo."

"Holy shit, Xerxes!" Chris screamed, turning to the teen who suddenly appeared behind him, "How did you get behind me?"

"Yeah, I got here while you were telling that punching joke." Xerxes said, "You should've punched an actual baby. It would've been funnier."

"...Uh-huh. No."

Xerxes was a simple man. Grey hoodie with grey hair and a white bandana with a yellow and red eye on it. Simple. His most notable feature was his eyes. They were the kind of eyes a horror movie villain would have, black as night with white pupils.

Deedee randomly burst into the conversation, "Beware the shy ones, for when the bat strikes, insanity is the only escape!"

"Heh. That's funny." Xerxes chuckled, "The fact that it's true and horrifying makes it even funnier. I like you, dude."

"Hey, guys?" Chris shoved himself in between the two, "Can we stop being creepy? Can the next person to arrive not be a creep?!"

The Lame-o-sine pulled up and two girls stepped out, one tall and one short. The shorter one's hair was a bright combination of green and purple, and she had large glasses with red-tinted lenses that looked more like a costume piece than something that would help her see. Her black, spiked headphones and blue hoodie with an oversized zipper helped add to the costume effect, and her shoes lit up with every step she took. The other one was simple in comparison, sporting a blue full body ninja costume with only the area around her eyes visible. A small tuft of grey hair was poking through the top of her costume, though, and she had the same oversized zipper as the first girl.

The shorter girl readjusted her glasses and spoke first, "Hey there! Your suffering has ended, because the hella awesome Zipper sisters are here!" She pointed to herself, "I'm Retro!" She then pointed to her sister, "And she's Katana! But you can call her Kat if you want to! Say something, Kat!"

"Mmph frmph mmrph." Katana murmured behind her outfit.

"She says that she's glad to meet you!" Retro translated.

"Wurr shurph thrph."

"Yeah, over there seems nice. We'll go stand over there!"

Retro ran over and stood next to Flam, "Sick hair, bro." She said to him, "Were you inspired by me? I knew I would eventually bring rad technicolour hair into style with my popularity!"

"Well, no. I actually-" Flam started, then Katana grabbed his shoulder and whispered in his ear.

"Drpmh." Which roughly translated to 'don't'.

"Alright, fine."

While that conversation happened, the Lame-o-sine did a thing. Can you guess what it did? If you said anything besides 'pull up', you're wrong. Dead wrong. And who stepped out? If you said anything other than 'a girl who resembles a pirate', you're wrong. Yes, she resembled a pirate. Her pink bandana and shirt combo clashed with her light grey hair and blue short. She had a four-leaf clover pinned to her bandana and had a shark tooth necklace dangling from her neck.

"Yar, me darlin's!" She said, "I am Quyen! Yes, it starts with a Q. And you know what else starts with Q? Quite awesome, me dears! Delighted t' make your acquaintance! Now, allow me t' talk about me backstory, hmm? I was a simple lass-"

"No!" Chris yelled, "Backstories are stupid! Canonically, there are very little backstories. In fanon, there are way too many of them! How about no?!"

"Can I rap it?"

"What?"

"Now, this be a story all about how

Me life got flipped-turned upside down

And I'd like t' take a minute

Just sit right there-"

"No."

"But-"

The Lame-o-sine pulled up behind Quyen during the argument. A girl stepped out and, well, if Tiffany was a bombshell blonde, this girl was a freaking nuke of hot blondeness. Her beret rested perfectly upon her head, and her purple shirt and darker purple skirt were fabulous. She readjusted her belt with the cutest little pink heart buckle on it before getting out and promptly unfabulously colliding with Quyen and unperfectly falling on the ground in an uncute fashion. Feeling the impact, Quyen swiftly turned around and offered the blonde a hand.

"Ah, me darlin'! So sorry about that!"

"No no, dear." The girl winced, "It's my fault, no? I should've watched where I was going and not have bumped and fell on mon derrière. ...It fucking hurts."

"It ain't true, little cookie! I was distracted by that moron over there." Quyen pointed toward Chris, "He be an odd one."

"I'm right here!" Yelled Chris.

"Who cares?" Quyen yelled back, "I'm talkin' to this wee cutie..." She turned to said cutie, "What's yer name?"

"My name is Gala." Gala giggled, "Glad to have met you, toots."

"Indeed, me duck!"

Zipp floated and sipped his tea, using his vines to hold it. "Ah, yes. There is nothing like a spot of tea for watching people make goo-goo eyes at each other, am I right?"

He looked at everybody else, who were all sitting and drinking their tea at various fancy pink tables, like you would find at a café or something.

"I don't even know where all this stuff came from." Soren said shakily, "It just poofed."

"Hey, you two!" Tiffany yelled at the duo, "Come have some tea! They have a metric buttload of flavours! We have mint, blueberry, orange pekoe... There's one called the Layton Elixir! It's pretty kickass!"

Quyen and Gala sat down with them, and enjoyed a bit of tea while waiting for the next contestant. All was calm.

Speaking of calm, a very calm guy stepped out of the vehicle. He was quiet, maybe even a little too quiet. His well-kept white hair and spotless blue sweater with a couple squares on it didn't raise any suspicion. But, the knife in his hand did.

"Hey, Julian!" Chris called, "Join us for tea!"

"No."

"Aw, come on!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"You know you want this wonderful green tea!"

"No."

"Jasmine?"

"No."

"Red?"

"No."

"Gyokuro?"

Julian grabbed Chris by the collar. "No."

"Alright, then." Chris gulped, "I shouldn't force you. ...Can you put me down?"

"No."

"Oh." Chris sighed, "I should've expected that."

A guy with a glorious blond beard stepped out of the Lame-o-sine, he had a pair of aviator goggles resting on top of his head, and his blue scarf flowed gently in the breeze. His yellow pilot's badge was pinned to his light blue shirt.

"Hey guys, I'm Claude! And-" He stopped when he saw Chris and Julian. "Oh."

* * *

"No, no. It's gonna be alright." Emile cooed, "You'll get through this unscathed."

"Emile!" Soren butted in, "Don't bring up the possibility of slow, painful murder!"

"I never mentioned murder!" Emile yelled, "I mentioned scathiness! You mentioned murder!"

Emile had Claude lying in her lap, attempting to comfort the sobbing guy. She tried to give him tea, but turns out he's allergic to eucalyptus.

"But I don't want to be murdered!" Claude choked, his voice rough from the allergies, "Murder isn't good!"

"Shhh..." Emile petted Claude, "Don't worry. Worrying will make old age just swoop in and give you wrinkles up the ass. ...Where is Julian, though?"

Soren pointed towards Julian and Xerxes, who were having a delightful conversation. At least, as much as a conversation consisting of only world domination and the word 'no' could be.

"...And I'll take over the world with my evil powers of the immortal spirit!" Xerxes bellowed, "I'll make you my underling, yes?"

"No."

"Alright then, I'll use my fiery blast to decimate a forest and build a castle for you where the ashes fall! Is that good?"

"No."

"I'll use my mind control powers to give you a mob of loyal followers!"

"No."

"Infinite riches?"

"No."

"I'll let you steal Cory for a week?"

"No."

"I'll kick a dog."

"No."

Claude coughed, which seemed to help fix his voice, "Thanks for holding me. Being murdered isn't exactly my idea of a fun Total Drama experience."

"No problem." Emile grinned, "I really have nothing else to do, honestly."

Over at the red carpet, the Lame-o-sine pulled up, and a chubby girl with green hair stepped out. She wore a simple black and white suit with a green bowtie and an apron wrapped around her waist. It was obvious to any Pokémon fan that she was dressed as Cilan.

"Hey, Blue." Chris said, "Want some tea?"

"Well..." She started, "Of course! After all, what would a Cilan cosplayer be without any tea? A Cilan cosplayer without tea, that's what! And that's just dumb! Like your face! It's dumb! Also, wow! You know my name! That's awesome! It's cool that my name is Blue, because that's the name of the rival from the 1st gen games, Red and Blue! There's also Green, but it's Japan only, like those Wiiware Pokémon Mystery Dungeon games! Speaking of Wiiware-"

Chris shoved some tea in Blue's hands. "Shut up!"

Blue sipped the tea, "Mmm! Citrus! Speaking of citrus, Jasmine's japanese name is-"

"No!"

"But it's Mikan-"

"Don't!"

"Aw."

A motorcycle pulled up on the red carpet. Its driver got off it and brushed his legs off. He had a purple horned helmet with a lighter purple stripe going through it and a purple jacket on.

"Hey, grape boy!" Chris yelled, "Nice motorcycle!"

"It's Walter!" He yelled back.

"I know, Mr. Latey-Pants!"

"I'm late because I fucking crashed, you dumbass!"

Tiffany ran up to Walter, and put herself uncomfortably close to him. "Did you injure yourself?" She asked, obviously interested in the carnage, "Break a bone? Rip some flesh? Set some fires? Kill an innocent bloke?"

"Um, no." He responded, "I just got dirt on this babe, that's all." Walter petted his motorcycle, "She's a beaut. Her name is Clarice."

"Ew." Tiffany gagged, "You named it?"

"Her. Clarice is a her, you dipshit."

"It's a motorcycle!"

"She's Clarice!"

"It doesn't have feelings!"

"Clarice is the best fucking person I've ever met!"

"You're such a loser."

"Or am I?"

"Yes. Yes you are."

While they were arguing, the Lame-o-sine pulled up and dropped off a guy who was wearing nothing but black and white with a bit of red. His hair and shirt were white, while his shoes and pants were grey. He was wearing a visor that resembled Cyclops' from X-Men.

"...Is this really it?" He asked, as he looked at the tea tables, Claude crying, Julian and Xerxes talking, and Walter and Tiffany arguing, "I came all the way over here for this?"

He groaned and walked over to Chris, "Am I gonna have to suffer with these idiots?!"

"Well, yes, my dear Nate." Chris said, "Until you get eliminated~ ! Oh! I hit a pretty good note there! We should have a musical season."

"Not likely." Snarked the offscreen voice.

"Shut up, Les!" Chris barked, "I will not stand for you constantly ignoring my orders! Fuck off, or I will fire you!"

That shut the voice up.

"Good." Chris said, as the Lame-o-sine pulled up, "Let's see who's next!"

"Wait." He suddenly said as he halted in his tracks, "Elimi-Nate-ed. Pun wasted."

Chris opened the door, and a guy stepped out. His outfit screamed orange, mostly because it was orange. His hair was curly and orange, his shirt was orange with a couple of bubbles on it, his freckle-covered face was covered in orange soda stains, and his blue eyes faced opposite directions. His party hat and the bandana around his neck were yellow with red spots. Nobody knew who he was, except for one certain jester.

Zipp spat out his tea in surprise, "Mack?! Is that you!?"

"Uh, wait?" Flam asked, "Who?"

Zipp lived up to his name and zipped up to Mack, "Dude! I'm such a big fan! Your let's plays are the absolute best, and it's an honour to meet you! ...Epic Dude Hug?"

"Um, glad to meet a fan." Mack stammered, "Sure."

They had an Epic Dude Hug, which was a hug, only epicer and dudeier.

"Dude." Zipp said.

"Dude?" Mack questioned.

"Dude!" Zipp yelled.

"Alright, that's enough." Chris separated the two, "That's enough dude for today. What is this, Cabin Fe- ...Wait, I can't reference other fics in this, that would be alienating. Uh. ...And I wonder who's next-"

A fiery explosion cut Chris off, and in the burning remains of what little grass there was, a magician stood. His top hat was brown with a red feather sticking out of it and covered his sky blue hair. His white coat was a little frazzled from the explosion.

"Haha!" He laughed, "It is I, the superb and mighty Patrick!"

"Don't you mean the great and powerful Trixie?" Flam asked.

"No, naysayer! I am the superb and mighty Patrick!"

"You have pretty much the same colour scheme and catchphrase."

"Mortal! You shall refer to me as the superb and mighty Patrick!"

"Hasbro's gonna sue us..."

"You're a fool! I am the almighty and powerful!"

Xerxes knocked Flam out of the way and stared at Patrick angrily.

"You are what?!" He asked.

"Almighty...?" Patrick replied.

"I don't think so!" Xerxes rolled up his sleeves, "It's going down, bitch! I'm yelling timber! You better move! You better dance!"

"Was that a Kesha reference?" Patrick asked.

"Maybe." Xerxes blushed.

"Honestly, dude." Patrick said, "Kesha is shit."

* * *

"I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it!" Patrick yelled through all the blood dribbling down his face.

"You sure?" Xerxes asked, "Because I don't think so."

He swiftly punched Patrick's face, knocking him out cold. Xerxes stared at the destruction he caused to the landscape, ashes of what previously was grass surrounded him, and the ground was stained red with Patrick's nose blood.

"...That was badass." Chris said, "Note to self: Don't insult Kesha. Note to self: Don't kill Kesha in a cutaway gag. Note to self: I need another fire extinguisher."

Chris took a quick glance at the fire extinguisher that was in his hands. It was empty and therefore useless, so he shrugged and tossed it behind him, hitting the Lame-o-sine in the process.

"Oi!" A woman kicked the Lame-o-sine's door open and jumped out, "Not even five minutes, and you already want me dead, hm? Well, if it's a fight you want, it's a fight you'll get!"

Said girl had a blue mohawk and a black t-shirt with a yellow longsleeve shirt under it, for your information. She walked up to Chris and grabbed him by the collar and growled, showing off her missing front teeth.

"Woah, wait!" Chris flailed, "It was an accident!"

"Yeah right. Let it be known that you do not mess with Yahto, you get?"

"I know now."

"Yay."

Yahto dropped Chris and joined the tea party. She sat down in a chair, and sipped a bit of tea.

"Hmm." She said as she sipped her tea again, "Not bad. Is this coconut?"

"Yes it is, my acute tea taster!" Zipp said excitedly.

"Awesome."

The Lame-o-sine started to leave, but then hurriedly backed back up when the driver, as unknown as a person they are, realized there was another person in the vehicle. When the car returned, a boy was kicked out. He had red, spiky hair and bucked teeth, and his pink and orange shirt with a black cat head on it left much to be desired in the 'looks' department.

"Aw, come on! I wasn't that creepy!" He had an obvious lisp, "It's not like I was in the car with everybody, right?"

The Lame-o-sine's window rolled down, and in the vehicle was Heather, who looked royally pissed off.

"Yeah, no dice. I'm pretty sure you were under the seat the entire ride." Heather shuddered, "Ew. Honestly, Hades?"

"But-"

"No buts! I'm off, dweeb."

Heather rode off, and surprisingly didn't explode. Hades turned around to see his future foes, who all were either pissed off, freaked out, or both.

"Oh, ew!" Yahto exclaimed, "You were under the seat?! Like, under the seat, under the seat?! As in, under me?! What the fuck would you do that for?!"

"You say some really interesting things when you think nobody's looking." Hades simply stated, "It's pretty entertaining stuff. Especially the part about that time you shoved your head-"

A quick punch to the face shut him up immediately.

"That's disturbing." Chris shivered in disgust, "Kinda makes you wanna take a bath in acid to clean away the filth- What's that noise?"

Chris felt the wind being knocked out of him as he was knocked to the ground by a large mass that suddenly collided with him. Said girly mass started apologizing profusely.

"Oh, sorry!" She started yelling, "Aw man, first day and I've already injured somebody... Whoopsies... you seem pretty bruised, I must've hit you with my helmet or my cast!"

The girl knocked on her red and white helmet, which was cracked and chipped, and started picking at the patches on her ripped purple tee. She checked her cast, which was red and on her left arm. Her face was covered in injuries, and she was missing a bunch of teeth. She adjusted the bloody tissue that she had lodged in her nose and sighed.

"Well, I guess I'm alright." She helped Chris up, "Sorry 'bout that."

"Sorry doesn't cut it, Ushra." Chris grumbled, "That really hurt."

"Wait a second." Mack said, "How did you get here?"

"Rocket."

"What?!"

* * *

"Alright then!"

Ushra sat in her rocket with her hands on the controls. The inside of the rocket was full of convoluted controls and countless monitors. She adjusted her helmet and put on a pair of goggles.

"I'm ready!" She exclaimed, "Do you hear that, mission control?"

She touched a button, which turned on a monitor and showed mission control... who was just a teddy bear.

"Alright then, Mrs. Snugglekins!" Ushra said excitedly, "We are ready for take off in 5..."

Ushra pressed a button, which turned on all the monitors.

"4..."

A quick press of another button turned on a giant GPS system in front of Ushra.

"3..."

She turned on the radio, which was playing Rock It from Crash Bandicoot 2.

"Ooh! I like this one! 2..."

Ushra danced a little to the song.

"Really love it! 1..."

She ignited the engine.

"0! Blastoff!"

The rocket slowly ascended into the skies, leaving a fiery trail of red behind it as it entered space. The brilliantly shining stars against the vast, beautiful darkness of space was enough to almost bring a tear to one's eye. You could see various planets from the ship, yellow ones, blue ones, square ones, and ones that looked familiar.

"Oh hey, is that Zebes?" Ushra asked, "Over there, I can see Wormulon! And there's Zeenu! Hi, Zeenu! ...Wait. I despise Zeenu. Nevermind, Zeenu! Enjoy your empty comedy and terrible lead character!"

Ushra took a sudden right turn to face the rocket towards Earth.

"Alright! Destination: Toronto!"

As the ship approached Earth, a siren started wailing and the lights flashed red.

"Oh no!" Ushra screamed, "We're reentering the atmosphere too quickly! I'm going to burn up if I continue like this! And that's terrible!"

After she said that, the inside of the ship caught on fire.

"...This is awful!"

Then Ushra herself caught on fire.

"How could this get any worse?!"

"WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO FLY?" A voice chanted, "WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO FLY?"

"...Damn."

* * *

"I had a choice, either crash and burn with my rocket, or parachute to safety. I chose the latter, but I didn't actually pack a parachute. Turns out I packed a couple alien eggs I got on my adventures. Yeah... don't ask why. I pity the soul who gets them."

"I'm actually kind of sorry I asked." Mack sighed.

An egg fell down from the sky and hit him on the head, covering him with slime and half-developed alien parts.

"Oh, ow!" He grunted, "Double painshake supreme, extra cherries!"

"Ohhh!" Zipp yelled, "He said the thing! I'm #fanboying over here!"

"Can you #shutup then?" Tiffany snarked, "I'm busy thinking about fire and destruction. Sweet, sweet, destruction..."

The screeching of the Lame-o-sine caught everybody's attention, and they all turned around to see a tall lion animatronic step out of the vehicle. She had a purple and white striped vest on, along with a matching bowtie. Her most defining feature was the massive hole in her face, revealing her endoskeleton jaw inside.

"Hiya! I'm Lina the lion!" She said cheerfully, "I'm the main mascot for Circle of Life Pizza, and I-"

"Wait a fucking moment!" Flam yelled, "Is that a robot?!"

"...Yes, I am a robot...?" Lina replied, "Why?"

"This is not fair?! Like, you're a big and strong robot? Chris, explain!"

"I like robots." Chris shrugged, "It's my show, sue me."

"I can't believe you want to fuck robots!" Tiffany yelled, "Fucking hell, man!"

"Oh, just because I put a robot in my cast, I wanna fuck robots? Your logic is solid."

While this exchange was happening, Lina waddled over to the tea tables and sat down, crushing the chair beneath her. She did not notice this, however, and stared intensely at a cup of tea.

"My scanners indicate that this tea is silver needle." She said, "Am I right?"

"Ding ding! You are quite correct!" Zipp clapped, "Woo-hoo for Lina!"

"Hurray! Do I win a prize?"

"Not unless you count my neverending respect."

"That works well!"

"I like your style, lion!"

Chris started cheering, "Give me an 'one'!"

Silence surrounded the contestants.

"I said, give me a 'one'!"

Nobody responded.

"Fine." Chris sighed, "One more left."

The Lame-o-sine pulled up next to Chris.

"Oh, hey! Here's our last contestant!"

Chris opened the door, and a dude who was wearing a green shirt with a red plus sign on it slowly shuffled out.

"...Honestly?" He asked, "Is this the right place?"

"Yes it is, Vicky!" Chris cheered, "Welcome to Total Drama!"

"It's Victor, and really? The first two seasons had the likes of Heather and Courtney, but you got these twats for this season?"

"Of course, Vicky! You're the last contestant, so these are all the people you'll be spending precious moments of your finite life until you get eliminated!"

Victor stared at all the other contestants and groaned. Idalene was inspecting some bird shit she found on the ground, while Blue was babbling on to her and Tiffany about some random nonsense. Tiffany looked like she wanted to either hang herself or hang Blue. Emile was still comforting Claude, who was still sobbing, while Soren accidentally made Claude more nervous with his constant blathering about scary things. Flam was just kinda to himself, playing with his pony plushie. Deedee was hitting Ushra's helmet, asking about the string of murders in Footville, and whether she was involved. Lina was stuck in her chair, struggling to get up. Zipp was chatting it up with Mack, who was trying to escape Zipp's extreme fanboy rant. Skippy was being held back by Katana, she was preventing Skippy from beating up Hades, who was picking his nose. Meanwhile, Retro was listening to very loud music, so loud that it was bothering Xerxes. Xerxes swore revenge on her, and demanded that Julian be a good minion and stab her to death. He, predictably, said no. Gala and Quyen were talking over a cup of tea about various things. Patrick was still passed out in a pool of his own blood. Nate said something that pissed Yahto off, so she started chasing him and accidentally ran Ace over. Walter was away from the crowd, wiping some dirt off of his motorcycle and saying some disturbingly sensual things to it.

"...I hate my life." Victor said, "I despise it."

"Alright, contestants!" Chris yelled, "Or, should I say stage hands? Whatever. Welcome to this new season of Total Drama, Total Drama Action Replay! It's otherwise known as Project 20-4-1-18, by the way, which roughly translates to Project TDAR with a simple 1 = A translation format. Not that it's important or anything... Ahem! Anyways, in this season, you will be split into two teams, and duke it out for invincibility and the losing team will vote someone out. That person will never come back. EVER. ...Unless they come back later, but that's a long time from now. When I said 'duke it out', I meant challenges-"

"Excuse me, Chris?" Blue interrupted, "I would like to note that the contract did not state what kind of challenges there would be. What kind of challenges will there be? Dangerous or no?"

"That's a legitimately good question Blue." Chris grinned, "I would give you a cookie, but money towards that means less money for hairgel. The reason it wasn't in the contract was because we never officially decided what type of challenges there would be. You see, I got sued last season, as you may know/remember. Breaking someone's jaw has a tendency to do that. So, I had to be very careful with the police, and I eventually got permission to do another season, as long as we're at least somewhat safe, and we have this guy!"

Chris pointed towards a grey robot wearing a black tuxedo with a red bowtie. He was floating in the air using a rocket on his bottom.

"His name is Les! Short for Law Enforcement System! His entrance would've been flashier, but Tabitha exploded."

"...What?" Blue said.

"Nothing."

"Hello, contestants." Les beeped, "I am Les, as Chris just said. I'm here to make sure your safety is top priority, and to be a cohost to this show. Pleased to meet you all."

"Jesus fuck, this entire show is full of fucking robots." Tiffany shuddered, "Who put the acid in my tea?!"

"It wasn't me!" Zipp said defensively, "I swear!"

"May I continue?" Chris snapped, "There's also a confessional over there, where you can share your most innermost thoughts! Just don't jack off in it. We have to go through that footage, you know! ...I'll never forgive Duncan for that... It's the one from Camp Wawanakwa, by the way. Because, honestly, who cares about the make up room?"

Gala sighed sadly at that news.

* * *

 **Confessional:** I thought I was retired...

 **Flam:** First! That is all! Also, I wanna win so I can get more plushies! I'm pretty sure crack is cheaper than most plushies... I want a talking Puppycat!

 **Gala:** Stupid dingy bathroom stall, replacing my make up. I want to win so I can be awesome and have friends and various things!

 **Retro:** As I'm 12, and therefore the only preteen here, I'll definitely win for my awesome friends back home, and show that age is but a hella useless number! Rock on!

* * *

"Anyways, my little spiel ends with this."

Chris held up two gold coins, one with an X and one with an O.

"What do coins have to do with anything?" Victor asked.

"Another good question!" Chris cheered, "You'll be looking for these coins as part of a challenge! I hid these coins around the Film Lot, and the coin you find determines which team you're on! Any questions? No? Alright! GO!"

The giant crowd of people ran Chris over as they went to search for the coins.

"Ow..." Chris moaned, "They do realize there's no time limit or even any risk, right? Anyways, will anybody become friends? Will there be a rivalry? Romance? Who's on what team? Will I stop getting hurt all the time?! Find out next time on Total Drama Action Replay!"


	2. Coin-centration

"And we're back!" Chris yelled, "We have returned to Total Drama!"

"But we didn't go anywhere, Chris." Les said, "You only stopped talking for a couple seconds and started talking again. Are you okay?"

"Shut up, Les."

* * *

Katana walked through the Film Lot, the burning sun warming up the concrete and asphalt to a very hot temperature. Retro sat on Katana's shoulders and talked.

"You know, sis? We should go form an alliance with somebody." Retro said, "I know it's early, but we need to be on the ball for the entire season if we're going to be the raddest sisters ever and win! Glory to the Zipper sisters!"

"Mhhmph whpph hmmph." Katana mumbled in agreement.

"But, who should we befriend?"

Retro spotted Flam, who was searching through some debris.

"Ah-ha!" She exclaimed, "That-a-way, Kat!"

* * *

Blue was sitting on a rock, thinking about where she should look.

"Hmm... if I were Chris, I wouldn't just put them in random places for the sake of being confusing. ...Or would he? When I phrase it like that..."

She looked up to see Gala, who was standing right in front of her.

"Oh, hey!" Gala said, "It's Blue, right?"

"Um..." Blue murmured, confused, "Yeah?"

Gala wrapped her arm around Blue, "How about we form an alliance, cupcake?"

"Uh... no."

"What?"

"You're scarier than Lavender Town. Goodbye."

Blue ran off as fast as she could, leaving a twitching Gala in her dust.

"Aw, fine then! Get eliminated early! Je m'en fiche!"

Quyen ran and jumped on Gala.

"Aye! Found ye!" She exclaimed, "I was wonderin' if you would join me alliance!"

"Wait, really?" Gala asked.

"Sure! The lass doesn't know what she be missing!"

* * *

 **Confessional:** All aboard the train of alliances!

 **Blue:** Truth is, Gala doesn't scare me. My mom told me to be wary of other people who might hold me back in the competition and hurt me. ...Is that bad?

 **Gala:** I've got a partner in crime! Yeah!

 **Quyen:** ...Cute.

* * *

Victor was walking around the woods surrounding the Film Lot.

"Ugh." He sighed, "I'm surrounded by retards. At least they're my enemies. I'll probably win due to their specialness getting in the way or something, right?"

He looked around the bushes and found two X coins.

"Oh, okay! That's great, actually! Woo!"

* * *

"Are you sure we should be looking in a cave?" Emile stammered, "It's dark... and scary."

Her, Soren and Claude were searching around a cave they found near the Film Lot.

"There's nothing to be afraid of, Emile." Claude grinned, "Xerxes and Julian aren't here and being scary, so I'm alright."

"Yeah, Emile." Soren added in, "This cave is 100% safe and sound with a bit of sturdy added in!"

"GHROOOAH!"

Everybody stopped to stare at the bear that was staring them down, breathing heavily with anger, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike with the intention to kill.

* * *

 **Confessional:** Oh, crap.

 **Soren:** We spoke a little too soon...

 **Claude:** *Is huddled in the fetal position, sucking his thumb*

 **Emile:** ...They lied to me. The bastards.

* * *

"GHRO-" The bear's roar was cut off by a rock being flung into its face.

"Yo, bear!" Emile yelled, waving a rock she picked up around, "I've seen stuffless teddy bears with more muscles than you! What's your excuse?"

The bear started charging towards the group, teeth bared.

"Oh crap, why'd you do that?!" Soren yelled, "Run!"

Claude and Soren started running, but Emile stayed back.

"What are you waiting for, Emile?!" Claude cried, "Come on!"

"I got this. I mean, if you don't mind." Emile calmly said, "...Let me handle this."

The bear jumped forwards towards Emile, ready to slash apart whatever futile attacks she could ever do. Emile raised her fist and grinned.

"I'll be seeing you in hell!"

She punched the bear square in the jaw, which knocked it over. The bear groaned, or made whatever sound a bear would make in this situation, and got back up.

"Rawr?"

"Oh, so you wanna play?" Emile chuckled, "We'll play, then! Let's go!"

The bear, instead of tearing Emile's face off, ran off and cried. Emile turned around to see her companions sitting and staring blankly.

"...Are you guys okay?" She stammered, "W-was I not supposed to do that? I'm so sorry."

"Damn, nature!" Soren exclaimed, "You scary!"

* * *

Tiffany was deeper in the cave, angrily stomping around in search of a coin.

"This cave is bullshit!" Tiffany yelled, "Nothing more, nothing less! There's no coins, no potential victims, nothing! I'm going back!"

She turned around and found herself face to face with a bear who had a sore jaw.

"GHROOOAH!"

"OH _SHIT!_ "

* * *

"Did you guys hear anything?" Soren asked.

"Eh, no." Claude responded.

"Oh, alright." Soren said.

* * *

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are we there-"

"Goddammit! No, Retro!"

Retro, Flam and Katana were walking up the giant hill that overlooked the Film Lot. Retro was still on Katana's shoulders, and they were following Flam.

"Alright, Flam." Retro said sadly, "You don't have to be so hella mean about it."

"I'm so sorry." He said regretfully, "I didn't mean it."

"It's okay, bro. But, are you sure the hill's a good place to look?"

"Yes! I mean, this is most noticeable place in the lot! Of course something will be here! Atop of this mountain, there will be gold!"

"Or nothing."

"Honestly, Retro? Why must you be so negative?!"

Yahto watched all this from a distance behind them.

"Yes!" She hissed, "I'll follow them, they'll find the coins, and I'll grab the spoils! It's foolproof! Hurrah for unconventional ways of finding things!"

* * *

Ushra was having a nice little conversation with Mack.

"I was wondering if I could join you in comradery or something." Ushra asked shyly, "I'm pretty durable. Survived a couple crashes. Cars, boats, trains, planes... I'm pretty much indestructible!"

"Sure!" Mack responded, "Even if you weren't some indestructible force of nature, yeah! Why join Total Drama, if not to make friends?"

* * *

 **Confessional:** I despise that train of thought in fanfiction.

 **Chris:** For a million dineros, of course! You're in Total Drama, get your head in the game!

 **Les:** You gotta get'cha, get'cha, get'cha, get'cha head in the game~

* * *

"Anyways, we could-"

Mack was interrupted by Zipp poofing between the duo!

"Mack!" He yelled, "I'm joining you~ "

"Uh..." Mack pondered, "Alright?"

Zipp poofed up two O coins.

"Oh, thanks!" Ushra exclaimed.

"No, Ushra darling." Zipp said, "There's one for Mack, and one for me~!"

"Hey wait!" Ushra shouted, "What about me?!"

"Fine. You're lucky I'm in a good mood, or I would kill you right where you stand, missy."

Zipp poofed up another coin.

"An X?!" Both Ushra and Mack exclaimed, "Why?!"

"The author needed it."

Ushra accepted the coin and sighed, "Can't argue with that. Mostly because I wouldn't know how to."

* * *

Yahto was walking up the hill, closely following Katana, Retro, and Flam.

"Okay." She said quietly to herself, "You go up there, grab a coin, run, and maybe beat them up if it's necessary. Take the easy route, Yahto, take the easy route."

She slowed down and ducked behind a bush. She pushed a couple leaves apart to get a better view of her targets.

"Nice."

Eventually, she got up and continued to slink after them. If this was a show, there'd probably be some Metal Gear Solid music playing in the background, but it isn't, so...

* * *

"Shit, that was close." Tiffany gasped for air, "I almost didn't make it. If that bear had enough energy to climb this tree..."

She was resting up on a tree branch, obviously pooped.

"I don't want to think about it." She shuddered, "Note to self: Win million and make bears illegal."

"Well, that isn't very nice."

Tiffany turned to see a droopy-eyed eagle with a thermometer hanging out of his beak sitting in a nest, coughing loudly. In other words, an ill eagle.

"...I must've taken a metric buttload of drugs somehow." Tiffany whispered to herself, "Are you important to the plot?"

"I have a coin."

"Give it!"

She got the coin and some familiar music started to play.

 _'You got a coin! It has an O on it, and you should probably return it to Chris!'_

* * *

Lina walked in the forest, singing a cheerful tune.

"Yeah, I may of lost my face, but I'm no disgrace!" She sung, "Shooby-dooby-do-wah!"

She stopped to look at a tree in front of her, inspecting it closely.

"Scanners indicate a coin up in that tree! I'll climb that tree!"

Lina ran towards the tree and crashed into it, forgetting that she can't climb.

"I'll climb that tree!"

She crashed into the tree again.

"I'll climb-"

Once again, she collided with the tree at high speeds.

"I'll climb-"

Unsurprisingly, she hit the tree. This time, however, the coin in the tree came loose and fell out.

"I'll-"

The coin hit her square on the head and bounced into her paws.

"Success!" Lina cheered, "Oh, this is like when I finally beat Mango the monkey at Scrabble!"

* * *

 **Confessional:** Robots just wanna have fun!

 **Lina:** Still, Mango, I _know_ you cheat! I've found your secret letter stash, the jig is up, you no-good cheatsy-wheatsy!

* * *

"Aw... yes!" Patrick whispered, "The superb and mighty Patrick shall prevail!"

He was in the craft services tent with his nose in a giant brown book.

"Where's the spell? Ah-ha."

He rose his arms up and yelled.

 _"Give me a goddamn coin you stupid book or I'll burn you, I fucking swear!"_

A coin suddenly appeared in front of him.

"Huzzah! The superb and mighty Patrick did, indeed, prevail!"

* * *

Xerxes and Julian were searching through the ruins of an abandoned and barely standing building. Xerxes was cheerfully skipping along as Julian walked beside him, absentmindedly twirling his knife around.

"How did this even happen?" Xerxes asked, "Do you know?"

"No."

"Hmm... Maybe it was that monster robot thing from last season?"

"No."

"Right!" Xerxes exclaimed, "If it was the robot, this place would be flat! Good observation skills!"

"...Thanks." Julian whispered.

"Oh, you speak? Anyways, no! Thank you for correcting me! I would've looked like a giant moron on TV if you didn't say that!"

"...You're funny."

"I'm the almighty! Of course I have all the glorious attributes that one would have to be a charming human being and destroy everybody else while their backs are turned!" Xerxes let out a hearty laugh, "Wouldn't it be funny if the robot did crush this building, though? It would be destructively chaotic!"

"...Yes, it would."

Xerxes stopped walking, which caused Julian to crash and fall behind him. He bent over and wiped up some dust.

"It's alrighty for the almighty!" Xerxes exclaimed as he picked up two coins, "Way to go, us!"

"...Yay."

* * *

Hades was slinking around in the alleyways of a couple of buildings. Because of the massive buildings, it was dark and cool. Hades liked the dark. Nobody could see you in the dark, and that allowed you to check up on them without them freaking out.

"Hey, Quyen?"

He heard Gala off in the distance. With his curiosity peaked, he silently slipped through the darkness until he was certain that he was close enough to hear the inevitable conversation that would occur.

"Yeah, Gala?"

"Who do you think is getting the boot first?" Gala sighed nervously, "It could be anybody! I mean, we haven't had the chance to form that solid of an opinion on anybody yet!"

"Well, me darlin', I know who I'm votin' for."

"Really, who?"

"Well, I be pretty sure he be the first boot. He made everybody angry within five seconds o' meetin' him! It's that little shit, Ha-"

"Wait! I found something!" Gala exclaimed.

Hades felt extreme disappointment. He wanted to know who was probably getting the boot. Oh well.

"Nevermind." Gala sighed, "It's just a bottle cap."

"What colour?"

"Black."

"Aye! It be a premium currency! Give it!"

"Fine." Gala sighed as she gave Quyen the bottle cap, "Let's keep going on."

* * *

Idalene was inspecting some eagle poo she found on the ground.

"Oh, poor eagle!" She exclaimed, "I can't believe it! This eagle is sick! That's just awful..."

She looked up to see Tiffany and the ill eagle.

"Tiffany? What are you doing up there?"

"I'm on the moon, man." Tiffany slurred, "I accidentally did some drugs, and now I see a talking, sick eagle."

"...Tiffany? You do realize there is a sick eagle, right?"

"But does it talk!?"

"Yes." The eagle coughed, "Yes I do."

"Holy shit, I'm not crazy or drugged up!" Tiffany cheered, "Yay!"

"I ate a coin, dude." The eagle said, "You can have it if you want one, I think I already let it out of my system."

Idalene turned back towards the poo and digged through it. She found a coin and picked it out.

"Hurrah! Finally, my years of studies pay off!"

* * *

"I'm sooooo bored!" Skippy whined, "I just wanna find the coin so I can go do other things!

She stopped when she saw the craft services tent. An evil grin crawled across her face.

"Well, I suppose I might as well get some food..."

Skippy skipped into the tent and went into the kitchen.

"Oh, hello~?" She called out sweetly, "Anybody home?"

There was no response, so she creeped to the fridge and opened it.

"Oh, what?!" She yelled angrily, "There's no food! Only this dumb coin!"

She did a double take.

"Dumb coin?! Thank you very much!"

Skippy felt someone's breath on her neck. Someone who was tall and behind her. She turned around to see Chef, who was breathing heavily.

"You! Touched! MY! **FRIDGE!** "

"Oh crap."

* * *

Soren was huddled in a corner shaking. He was shaking so much that he could give a chihuahua competition.

"Nature is scary." He chanted in an endless mantra, "Nature is scary."

Claude and Emile were still looking for a coin, but they weren't very successful.

"Why is it so hard to find a dumb coin?" Claude shouted, "I mean, you punched out a bear! That shouldn't be easier than finding a coin!"

"Well, the bear did most of the effort by running into my fist." Emile said shyly, "Not a very bright bear, is it?"

"Geez." Soren broke out of his mantra to speak, "You don't have to underplay your achievements like that. You punched a bear and survived! Good job!"

"...G-good job?" Emile stammered, "Honestly?"

"No, really." Claude chimed in, "Well done!"

"Well done?" Emile whispered, "Are you guys, um, complimenting me?"

"Well, no duh." Soren said.

"It's kind of obvious." Claude added.

"Are you sure?! Honestly and truly?! _No joke?!_ "

Emile suddenly grabbed her companions in a tight, and rather suffocating, hug.

"I LOVE YOU GUYS"

* * *

 **Confessional:** Incoming tactical hug nuke!

 **Emile:** A-alright, I don't wanna inconvenience you all with a s-stupid confessional, so I'll make this quick. That was pretty much the first time anyone has complimented me and meant it. ...I-I feel so goshdarned happy.

* * *

"HUGS FOR MY BUDS" Emile yelled as she squeezed Soren and Claude.

Much to their chagrin, neither of them could escape her grasp.

"Hey, Emile?" Claude choked out, "I think I see a coin, could I go get it? You're kinda restricting my movement."

"Oh right." Emile said sheepishly, as she let them go, "Sorry about that."

Claude ran over to the coin, and found that it was not one coin. It was three!

"Yeah!" Everybody cheered.

* * *

Blue was walking around sadly, looking at all the bushes surrounding the lot.

"Oh, woe is me." She sighed, "I should've went with that Gala person. She seemed nice, albeit a little holdy-back... whatever the word is. Why does being around other people always cloud my judgement?"

* * *

 **Confessional:** More like Claude your judgement! Haha! Claude paid me to say that.

 **Gala:** ...Somebody just insulted my intelligence. I can feel it. There will be hell to pay!

* * *

Victor was still celebrating his find.

"Uh-huh! Go Victor, go Victor!" He danced and cheered, "Who's the man? You're the man! Yeah!"

Spotting him celebrating, Blue ran up to him and jumped on his back.

"What are you so happy about?" She asked, "Can I see?"

"It's a coin."

"There's two coins." Blue pointed out, "Can I have one?"

"What are your offers?"

"Love."

"What?!"

"I'm kidding!"

"No, you can't have it." Victor angrily shook Blue off of him, "Not now, not ever."

Blue mustered up her best puppy dog eyes, "Please?"

"...Fine, you stupid faggot."

"Yay!" Blue snatched the coin, and hugged Victor, "I'm your friend now, so you can't get rid of me!"

"...What the fuck have I done?" Victor sighed, "Why?!"

* * *

 **Confessional:** One way or another, she's gonna find you and getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha!

 **Victor:** It was a moment of weakness. A moment of weakness that caused that moron to think we're friends, but a moment none-the-less. ...I regret everything.

* * *

"How long have we been walkin' fer?" Quyen asked.

"Too long." Gala replied, "Too bloody long. It's... What's the word? Fatigant? Oui."

Quyen sighed and kept walking, stumbling over some cracks in the pavement.

"Can we just cheat?" She asked, "I be a master of counterfeiting."

"No, bub." Gala responded, "If we're going to cheat, we're going to cheat in style. ...No offense to your counterfeit skills.

"None taken, lass."

Gala pulled out a cell phone and started pushing buttons.

"I know exactly who we're gonna call. And no, it ain't the Ghostbusters."

* * *

In an unknown place, a brunette woman was doodling in a notebook and giggling. She stopped and adjusted her glasses and red bowtie, and continued on.

"Oh man!" She said, "My Corxes feels are just rocketing through the roof right now! Forget Tinela, this is the new OTP! ...Actually, don't forget the Tinela. Tinela is awesome. ...THE GAYYYYYY."

Her phone rung, playing the Steven Universe theme.

"Oh, what now?" She said as she picked up the phone and answered it, "Goddammit, Mom! I don't want to hear about the awesome sale down at work! And-"

"Um, no. I'm not your mom." Gala responded, "It's Gala. ...You speak to your mom like that?"

"What? No! Not all the time! ...Maybe. " The woman yelled adamantly, "Anyways, how and why is this happening?"

"Pennie, I wanna know where the coin is."

"What, already?!" Pennie responded, "It's only the first challenge! And how is this even happening?!"

"Ah bup bup bup, darling!" Gala shushed, "There's no logic in this fic! You said it yourself!"

"Fine." She sighed, "It's in the celebrity cameo graveyard."

"What?! There's a graveyard of celebrity cameos? Why?"

"I like killing people when they aren't important to the plot." Pennie admitted, "It's in Tabitha St. Germain's grave."

"Alright! Thanks!" Gala said, "Can you do me another favour?"

"What?"

"Do something with Iggy Azalea for me, please? I know so far you've killed people you like, but can you do that?"

"Kill Itchy Areola? Sure! Hold on a second..." She raised her arms, "CUTAWAY GAG!"

* * *

Deedee was standing in front of Ace, who was tied up against a tree.

"Uh, Deedee?" Ace stammered, "Can you let me down?"

"Shhh." Deedee whispered, "Story."

"Fine."

Deedee pulled out a massive storybook and started to read.

"Once, there was an ugly, racist, and untalented Iggy. She was so ugly, racist, and untalented that everyone died. The end."

"...That's a good story, actually." Ace chuckled, "Alright, can you let me down now?"

"No." Deedee said as she shoved a coin in Ace's mouth.

Suddenly, Iggy Azalea fell from the sky and splatted on the ground in a gooey red mess.

"Goodbye, evil spirit." Deedee giggled.

"Wait, what the fuck?!"

Deedee skipped happily away from a struggling Ace.

"Wait, did you cause this?! I don't wanna be framed for murder, I'm innocent! I'll get you, Deedee! I swear!"

Ace looked down at the corpse below her and sweated heavily.

"You're leaving me with a _dead body!_ Why?!"

* * *

Quyen was digging up Tabitha St. Germain's grave with her bare hands while Gala watched.

"Yar, lass?" Quyen grumbled, "Why ye be loafing around like a... lazy bloke? I don't know any sayings."

"I despise dirt." Gala simply said, "It's disgusting."

"Yes, Gala." Quyen snarked, "Because I adore dirt and am _thrilled_ that you would let me be one with the dirt."

"I can help if you really want me to."

"Please do."

Gala joined Quyen in her digging. They digged through a lot of dirt until they reached Tabitha's coffin. Reluctantly, they opened it and found Tabitha's corpse.

"Ew!" Gala screamed, "C'est horrible!"

Quyen grabbed two coins that were inside and quickly closed the coffin.

"Was that worth it?" She asked, "Probably not. Does it matter now? Nah."

* * *

Hades continued to slink around the alleyways. He may have lost his original target, but it didn't matter now. Listening in on others wasn't his priority now, the coins were. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a manhole with its cover removed. Suspicious, he jumped down the hole into the sewers.

The rotten stench of the sewers instantly hit Hades. He looked around at the brick interior and river of unspeakable horrors that was next to him. The sound of scratching caught his ear. He turned around and squinted, trying to make out what was lurking in the impenetrable darkness.

Hades stared at the darkness until he saw a sudden shining glint of light. Slowly, he edged his way towards it. He cautiously reached for the shiny object and grabbed it, revealing it to be a coin. A quick tug showed that it was connected to a rope. Hades closed his eyes to help them adjust to the darkness. When he opened them, he wish he hadn't.

A giant rat stood upright in front of Hades. Its disgusting matted brown fur covered every bit of it and its teeth were cracked and brown. A wretched stench wafted from its mouth that almost made Hades vomit. The rat's claws were long and chipped and covered in various substances. The coin hung by a rope around the rat's neck.

"Oh shit."

* * *

Chris and Les were watching this horror show unfold in front of them in the camera room.

"Chris?" Les beeped, "I thought you said this show would be safe?"

"Well..." Chris said, "I could've gave that rat rabies, but I didn't."

If Les wasn't a robot, and therefore able to sigh, he would. He would sigh very loudly. Oh wait, he's sighed multiple times before, so of course he sighed loudly. Duh.

* * *

Meanwhile, Skippy left a trail of dust as she was running down the streets of the Western set. She stopped as soon as she hit the end of the road and leaned against the fence, tired. A couple squirt guns were propped up against the fence.

 **Ding! Dong!**

She looked up and saw that it was high noon.

"You..."

Skippy turned around and saw Chef standing on the other side of the dirt road. Panicked, she picked up one of the squirt guns that laid near her and pumped it up.

"Don't come any closer, Chef!" She yelled, "I'm armed!"

Skippy sprayed Chef with the water, soaking him. When the water cleared, Chef had a look of extreme disdain on his face.

"...That's it. Screw it, I'm done."

Chef walked away, leaving Skippy to celebrate.

"Yeah!" She yelled, "Who's the best? Skippy is! Who has a coin? I do!"

* * *

"So, here we are!" Flam cheered, "Atop this hill! Isn't this beautiful? Look at that sun! Praise Celestia, am I right?!"

Katana sighed, obviously bored. Retro was still on her shoulders, and she was bored also.

"Yeah, Flam." Retro said sarcastically, "Because we care so much about the sun. It's not like we see it everyday or whatever."

"Correct, Retro!" Flam yelled, "We don't actually see the sun everyday because of solar eclipses, cloudy days, sleeping through the day, and just plain not looking at it! That's why we gotta appreciate it!"

"..." Retro looked at the camera and pointed at Flam, "Stay in school, kids. Just... stay in there, alright?"

Katana looked around for coins, and a sparkling glimmer caught her attention. She walked over by a bush and picked four coins up.

"Kat, what's that you're holding?" Retro asked.

"Hmmph umph kprrmph!" Katana mumbled as she held the coins up for her companions to see.

"Yes!" Retro and Flam said in unison, "Coins!"

"Oh no, you don't!" Yahto jumped out of the bushes and snatched a coin from Katana, knocking her on top of Retro in the process, "Yoink!"

"Hmmph!" Katana yelled in a combination of surprise and anger.

Yahto started ran off down the hill.

"Kat!" Retro yelled, "Get her!"

Katana jumped to her feet and sprinted for Yahto. She quickly caught up, and went for the back of her head with a flying kick. Yahto suddenly veered to the right, causing Katana to miss entirely. Katana didn't let this faze her, as she landed on her feet and used her skidding to turn around and face Yahto. She ran towards her again, only this time she rushed past her and quickly turned around. As Yahto tried, and failed, to stop in time, Katana jumped and kicked down, drop kicking Yahto onto the ground in the process.

"Oh, ow!" Yahto whined on the ground, "You kicked me! You want the dumb coin? Take it!"

She took the coin and tossed it to Katana.

"Gmmph." Katana mumbled.

"I just wanted a coin!" Yahto groaned, "You have four, and there's only three of you! What do want the coin for?!"

"Well, maybe we wanted to give it to somebody else." Flam said angrily.

"Oh, of course you wanted to give it to somebody." Yahto snarked, "Who?"

"Uhhh..." Flam stammered, "A person...?"

"Thought so, you greedy jerk."

"Well, you could've just asked." Retro said, "We would've given it to you."

"We would?!" Flam shouted in surprise.

"Whmph whumph?!" Katana also shouted in surprise.

"Or, at least, I would." Retro said, "Here, take this."

She grabbed the coin from her sister and gave it to Yahto.

"All these coins have an X on them." Retro continued, "Welcome to our team, Yahto! Now, how about we get you off this hill? Kat! Carry her!"

Katana reluctantly picked up Yahto, and Yahto reluctantly let Katana do so. The group of four started their trek down the hill.

* * *

 **Confessional:** Wait, what?

 **Retro:** I believe there's a little good in everybody, and that all conflicts can be solved by letting your sister dropkick a person, then talking to them while they're on the ground. It's hella useful.

 **Katana:** Hmmph...

 **Flam:** Ignoramus...

 **Yahto:** I think she broke my fucking back! What the fuck!

* * *

Hades struggled beneath the weight of the rat that was attacking him. The rat scratched him with its claws, digging and tearing into his flesh. Hades flailed his arms in desperation, trying to hit the rat off him, but kept missing. The pungent stench of his blood made him dizzy, the world was blurring as a result of blood loss, and the rat started chewing on him. Hades decided to just lie down and accept his fate, if he continued, he was only gonna die tired.

Chris and Les were still watching the bloodshed.

"Well, okay. That's enough." Chris sighed, "At first it was funny, but now it's kinda sad."

He picked up his walkie-talkie, "Yo, Chef! Rescue the poor little shit down in the sewers, alright? Bring the tranquilizers."

* * *

Chef burst through the manhole and fired his tranquilizer gun. The dart lodged itself in the rat, which knocked it out.

"You're a wuss." Chef said as he slowly climbed out of the sewers, "A fucking wuss."

"Um, Chef?" Hades called out, "I'm still stuck under the rat! Hello? Chef, come back!"

He sighed, grabbed the rat's coin and started to wriggle his way out from under the rat.

* * *

Walter was walking around the alleyways.

"This is fucking terrible." He sighed, "Not only have I not found a fucking coin, I'm also in a fucking alleyway, looking in desperation while some of those dipshits probably already got one. Woe is me. ...Wait."

He noticed a coin on the ground in front of him.

"Alright, great!"

Walter turned to his right and saw a manhole, the same one Hades went into. He looked at the open manhole and shrugged.

"I see no reason for me to go down there. I already-"

"Can anybody hear me?" Hades called out, "Hello? Chef? Anyone? Come back!"

Walter stared at the manhole and shrugged again.

"Eh, I don't see why not. Might as well have some sort of dirt on somebody."

* * *

Nate was lounging around on a lawnchair, sipping some lemonade and reading a magazine titled 'Beam Visor Weekly'. His lawnchair was located right next to the Lame-o-sine.

"Hey, friend!" Lina said as she walked up to him, "What are you doing, lying down like that? There's a challenge, silly!"

"Already found the coin."

"Oh, really? Where was it?"

"It was under the Lame-o-sine." Nate simply stated, "T'was quite obvious."

"Oh, okay!" Lina said, "That's really smart of you, friend! Congratulations! By the way, what are you reading?"

"Beam Visor Weekly." Nate responded, "It's a special issue about the medical necessity for beam visors."

"Sounds interesting... I may not be a human who needs medical knowledge, but can I maybe read it?"

"Sure." Nate passed his magazine over to Lina, "I'm done with it anyway."

"Hey, thanks!" Lina exclaimed.

"Be sure to return it when you're done. Alright?"

"I will, I guarantee!"

* * *

"Ready? And... go!"

Walter was tugging on Hades, attempting to free him from the rat. Eventually, he pulled him free. Hades slowly stood up, blood dripping down the multiple scratch wounds covering his entire body. His clothes were covered in blood and dirt, and was torn up. He struggled to stand, and eventually fell back down.

"Listen, I don't really care in the slightest, but you alright, dude?" Walter asked, "You don't look okay, and I need you to live if I'm gonna get that vote."

"Do I look like I'm alright?!" Hades snapped, "I just got mauled by a giant rat!"

"I only asked a question, you fucking douche."

"It's a dumb question! Now, help me out of these sewers. My legs are really numb."

"...Fine. But only because you'll die if I don't, asshole."

* * *

 **Confessional:** Lmao, clash of the dicks.

 **Hades:** What a moron! Can you get any thicker? Am I okay?! I just got mauled by a rat, so **NO!**

 **Walter:** I'm not stupid, he is...

* * *

Chris was sipping his latte in the computer room with Les.

"Well." He said, "It seems that everybody has a coin. So, I guess I should tell them what to do."

He picked up the intercom microphone and spoke into it, "Alright, my little stage hands, return to me! I'll be at the elimination theatre place. And hurry! I don't want to wait while I'm there!"

Chris put down the microphone and whispered to Les, "Actually, they'll be the ones waiting." Chris stared at Les blankly, "...Dude, laugh at my joke."

"Ha?"

"Ugh, pathetic."

* * *

The contestants sat in the bleachers near the theatre. Nobody knew how long they were waiting. Some would say thirty minutes, some would say two hours, but, regardless of how you look at it, Chris was late and the contestants were pissed.

"Augh!" Tiffany suddenly shouted, "Where is that loser?! I've been waiting for hours!"

"Well," Walter responded, "It's only been one hour."

"What do you know?" Tiffany yelled, "Are you saying that I'm wrong?!"

"Yes. I have a watch."

"Fuck you, your dumb watch means nothing to me!"

"Can you guys shut up?!" Hades yelled, "I just got mauled by a giant fucking rat and I got a migraine from blood loss!"

"Stage hands, stage hands! Calm down!"

Everybody turned around to see Chris, in his blue tuxedo, standing on the stage in his usual spot behind the pedestal.

"Alright, guys!" He exclaimed, "Under your seats, you'll find a voting device. You can use that to vote somebody off. Just tap on the person you want to eliminate! It's that simple!"

All the contestants reached under their seats to find their device.

"Uh, Chris?" Blue asked, "There's no device under my seat, and that's strange!"

"There's no device under the almighty's seat!" Yelled Xerxes, "I demand an explanation!"

"It's not just you two." Ace added, "I don't have one either!"

"...Is what I would say if it wasn't the first episode." Chris finished, "You guys really thought there would be an elimination today? The teams aren't even formed yet! So, I just basically wasted your time with stuff you probably already know because, let's face it, who signs up for a reality tv show without watching it first? A moron, that's who! But, speaking of teams, that's why I brought you here! Chef?"

At his call, Chef walked onto the stage wearing his pink, translucent dress, and did a pose.

"Y'all wish you were this amazing." He said, "But you never will be."

He then handed Chris an envelope.

* * *

 **Confessional:** Pink is definitely his colour!

 **Emile:** ...Goals.

 **Gala:** I'm sobbing, he does dresses more justice than me! This is not fair! I repeat, this is not fair!

 **Xerxes:** Heh, I could pull that dress off better, let's all admit that.

* * *

"Alright, contestants! In this envelope lies the details of each team, more specifically, who's in them! Okay..." Chris handed the envelope to Les, "Read it."

"Wait, isn't your job supposed to be hosting the show?" Les asked, "Why do I gotta do it?"

Chris pulled out a latte and sipped it, "Lattes are my fuel and I'm running low. Now, hurry on!"

"Fine." Les beeped, "Team O, you are the ones who grabbed an O coin. Oh my god. Enough said. This team consists of Walter, Ace, Idalene, Emile, Xerxes, Tiffany, Claude, Quyen, Zipp, Mack, Soren, Gala and Julian. Stand up and look cool because you are now known as the Rampaging Grizzlies!"

If this were an actual show, the camera would've panned to the bleachers with a bear's roar to show the Grizzlies standing up and eyeing each other, and in the corner, a red logo showing an angry bear would show.

"Roar, motherfuckers, roar!" Xerxes yelled, "The almighty is a goddamn bear!"

"Yay." Julian replied.

"Did I really have to be a bear?" Tiffany shuddered, "A scary, slashy, bear. Oh my."

Soren nudged Emile and Claude, "We're bears, huh? Better protect our jaws, am I right?"

Zipp breathed heavily next to Mack, wrapping his spiky vines around his body, "We're on the same team..."

"Alright, guys." Les interrupted, "Hold your excitement! Team X, you grabbed the coins with the X on it. X is a cool letter. This team has Victor, Patrick, Flam, Deedee, Retro, Yahto, Hades, Ouida (Otherwise known as Skippy), Katana, Ushra, Nate, Blue, and Lina. Do an epic pose because you all are now called the Slashing Eagles!"

If this were an actual show, again, the camera would pan to the seats with an eagle's cry to show the Eagles standing up and evaluating the team. In the corner of the screen, a blue logo showing an angry eagle would show.

"You see!" Tiffany yelled, "They get an eagle, and we get a stupid bear! It isn't fair!"

"We get a dumb bird." Patrick snarked, "Birds are weak. Where do you think I got this feather in my hat from?"

"Hey!" Skippy yelled, "Don't insult the eagle! They are strong and majestic! And that fits me because I am strong and majestic! I can't fly though, and that's sad."

"I was attacked by an eagle once!" Ushra exclaimed, "It took a giant chunk out of my stomach! Wanna see it?"

"Dear Flying Spaghetti monster," Deedee grinned, "Make me a bird. So I can fly far. Far, far away from here."

"I wish." Victor sighed, "I really wish."

"Geez, Vicky. Contain your excitement." Chris said, as he threw away his empty latte cup, "Now you can all go to your trailers. They're separated by gender, not team, by the way. Pink is the guy's one, orange is the girl's one. Have a good night's sleep. You'll need it."

Chris started laughing maniacally, each unhinged chuckle pierced the air and created an uneasy atmosphere. Eventually he stopped and took a deep breath.

"Yeah, goodnight."

* * *

"Dude, did you hear Chris laugh?" Soren said as he sat on his bed, "If that's not some serious foreshadowing that shows that some serious shit's gonna go down tomorrow, then I don't know what is."

Soren flopped over on his bed, exhausted, and looked at Claude on the bunk below, "Like, wasn't that just terrifying?!"

"Honestly, though." Walter added, "Knowing Chris, we could have a challenge where, if we lose, we die or some shit like that."

"It was empty and hollow." Soren continued, "Just like his skull. Actually, let me try that!"

Soren slouched to create the craziest posture he could manage, and let out his own maniacal laugh, empty, hollow and unhinged like Chris's, but even more terrifying because of Soren's mask causing a slight muffled echo that added depth to his laugh.

"...Holy crap." Xerxes shuddered from his evil fort made of blankets, "That was rather accurate. You have the almighty's approval, and his underling's/vice-overlord's approval too! Am I right, Jitterbug?"

"Sure." Julian whispered.

"Eh." Nate added while wiping his visor, "It's fine for what you're trying to do."

"That was a pretty good impression." Claude added, "It's an impressive impression."

"Ah, yes!" Zipp chimed in, "Quite wonderful!"

"Oh thanks!" Soren beamed, "I'm planning on becoming an impression artist one day! You know, go on the road and stuff!"

"Eh." Victor snarked from his top bunk with his nose in a book, "Don't quit your day job, buddy."

"Jeez, Vicky." Flam said from below, "What's got your panties in a twist?"

"It's Victor." He responded angrily, "And it's some weird aspie chick. It seems that she thinks we're friends or something. What a retard."

"I take offence to that statement." Mack scowled.

"YOOOOO!" Soren suddenly screamed/sung, "Yo, bro! Low blow! Dig a hole and jump in it, because you just said some offensive shit~ !"

"What?" Victor stammered, "What was that?"

"That was the sound of you getting my eternal hate for being such a rude little shit." Soren simply stated as he wormed his way under the blankets, "Hope you enjoy and good fucking night."

Suddenly, Lina knocked the door down and entered the trailer, holding a magazine in her paws.

"...Whoops." She beeped as she looked at the door, now on the floor. She picked it up and tried to shove it back where it belonged. Eventually, she succeeded in putting it back, yes, but it was lopsided and not even attached.

"...Lina?" Mack said, "What are you doing here?"

"I got stuck on a word and I need Nate to help me!" Lina said as she waddled towards Nate, "None of the girls in my trailer have any idea and I'm stumped!"

"Oh, let me help, sweetie!" Nate said as he took the magazine, "Which word is it?"

"Uh, it's... cog, cogno, c-cog-"

"Cognoscenti?"

"Y-yeah!"

"It's people who's really good at their preferred field."

"Oh, okay!"

Lina waddled back towards the door, knocking it back onto the ground.

"Thanks, Nate!" She said as she walked away.

"You're welcome~!"

"Dude..." Patrick chuckled, "Since when were you so nice?"

"...Is that supposed to be an insult?"

"No, you were just so sugary sweet, that's all."

"We may not know eachother very well, honestly." Soren added, "But it's kinda obvious that you're a suffering intellectual type, and this seems OOC from what we've seen from you so far."

"...Wow, okay?" Nate stuttered, "Lina's just really cute, okay? She's a fluffy lion with big eyes who loves everybody! How can I not be nice to her?!"

"Easily, especially with that big fucking hole in her face." Victor said.

"Wow, okay, dropping this subject because Victor is a Dicktor."

"Fuck you!"

The boys settled down for a while, silence overtaking them as they all lied down.

"Wait." Walter suddenly said, "Where the fuck is Hades?"

Everybody started sweating when they realized Hades was gone. He could be anywhere, doing anything, observing anyone...

"Eh." Mack broke the sweaty silence, "It's not our problem."

The entire trailer agreed with that statement, and eventually drifted off to sleep.

* * *

 **Systems crashing down~ !**

Lina came back into the trailer and was greeted by the blaring sound of music. She shrugged, took her magazine, and went over to her bed to continue reading.

Retro and Katana were lying down on their bunk bed, Kat on top, Retro on bottom. Attached to their bed was a set of speakers which were blasting said loud music at a very high volume.

"Hey, Kat!" Retro yelled over the noise, "Crank it up!"

Katana reached over to the speaker and turned it up to an almost unbearable level.

"Aw yeah!"

Emile huddled in the corner of her bed and sighed, "H-how I long for the ability to disregard other people's feelings like that..."

"Really?" Gala continued her conversation from eariler with Quyen, "You think that Hades' going first?"

"He be nothin' but a scallywag." Quyen growled, "Ye can tell from the look with his eyes!"

"Yeah, and he stalked us under the seats." Yahto added, "He's a fucking creep!"

"He's such a weirdo." Tiffany angrily snapped, "I hope he dies or something."

"Butter." Deedee chimed in, "Soak him in butter and burn his flesh until he bleeds blue."

"He bleeds me?!" Blue yelled, "No! I don't want to exit his system through a wound! It's preposterous!"

"Well." Tiffany slowly said, "That could work..."

"I feel bad for you gals on the Eagles." Ace said solemnly, "He's on your team."

"Well, I feel bad for the guys." Ushra sighed in sympathy, "They have to share a room with him."

Everybody shuddered at the thought.

"It's settled then." Skippy added, "If the Grizzlies win, Hades is boned. If the Eagles win... I have no clue, honestly."

"It better not be me." Tiffany grumbled, "I'll pound the shit out of you all if that happens."

"I'm pretty sure it would be Xerxes, Julian, maybe you Tiffany; please don't hurt me for that statement, and perhaps Idalene. She smells hella bad." Retro said in a calculated tone, "By the way, where is she?"

"Shmmph." Katana mumbled.

"Yeah, alright, I'm down with that." Retro said, "It wouldn't hurt her to take a shower."

"What's a shower like?" Lina asked from her bed while reading her magazine, "I'm not waterproof, so I can't take one."

"It's warm." Yahto said, "Kinda wet... Sorry, I suck at explaining things."

"Also, you get to use the shower head for your nefarious libido~!" Tiffany yelled.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD"

"...Well, might as well unpack." Emile mumbled to herself as she opened her bag, "I've put it off for too long."

Emile looked into her bag, groaned, and held her head in embarrassment.

"I'm such a moron, I forgot to bring fucking tampons. Why?!"

"I brought a couple extra." Skippy said, "Do you need any?"

"No..." Emile blushed, "I just wanna be prepared, you know?"

"If my cycle doesn't fuck up, I've got a nice bit of extras." Gala added, "If any of you need one, just ask, I won't judge. Girls have to look out for one another."

"Brought mostly pads." Ace said, "Y'all can tap into that."

"I'll need that..." Blue said sheepishly, "I forgot to bring some..."

"The product has been forgotten..." Deedee added, "T'was not my finest moment."

"I'm a robot." Lina said, "I have no idea what you guys are talking about and I feel very uncomfortable. Can you explain, or...?"

"It's a gross time of the month when you start bleeding out of your cunt everywhere, dude." Retro giggled.

"Rmmph!" Katana snapped.

"Well, someone's gonna have to tell her eventually!"

"Shhpm kmmph!"

"...Lina, ignore that and don't repeat anything I say around children, okay?"

"Okay! ...But what's a cunt?"

"Oh, lord."

"Ladies!" Ushra yelled, "I've got an idea! You see this drawer?"

She opened up a dresser drawer near the entrance of the trailer.

"We could put our extra hygiene products in here for those who forgot to bring them. It'll be this nice little thing, y'know?"

"That be a great idea!" Quyen said, "We're all in this together, Grizzlies or Eagles! We be the Vagina Squad!"

"Can you bitches be quiet?!" Tiffany yelled from her bed, a sleep mask reading 'Fucking Diva' covered her eyes, "I need my beauty sleep, you get?!"

"Are you sure you can get that much sleep?" Blue said innocently.

"Fuck you, Blue."

* * *

Idalene was singing in the shower. (Don't worry about the censors, the bubbles covered her just fine!) Even though she was scrubbing as hard as she could, the shit wouldn't get off of her.

"Oh, poop." She sighed, "Well, at least I smell better."

She turned off the faucet and wiped herself dry. She then started to dress herself and opened up the curtain to exit the shower. When she opened it, however...

"AGH!"

Hades was on the other side with a massive grin on his creepy face.

"Why are you here?!" Idalene yelled.

"Well, when a guy and a girl love each other very much-"

"No! Why are you here, being a creep?!"

"I already told you, moron. I swear, girls and their lower intelligence. I mean, go back to the kitc-"

 **WHAP!**

"...hen. Owies!"

Hades took a second to register the burning pain in his groin, then he fell on the ground, bawling his eyes out.

"Lower intelligence, my ass." Idalene said slowly with a calm rage, "Lower fucking intelligence."

"Oh, ouchies!" He cried, "To hit a guy between the legs is to be lower than all the assholes in the world! I salute you on your bravery, but still!"

 **CRUNCH!**

"AUGH!" Hades yelled again, "Okay, one time was enough, did you honestly have to do that?! Karma's already been served for my shitty jokes, so stop! ...Holy crap, do you weigh your shoes with rocks or something?!"

"No, I weigh them with ununoctium."

"You're crazy!"

"I also keep lipstick in there."

Idalene slipped on her jacket and exited the building, leaving a screaming Hades in her wake.

"You're going down, shit girl!" Hades screamed after her, "Going the hell down!"

* * *

"Alrighty, then." Chris started his outro on the outskirts of the Film Lot with the beautiful night sky behind him, "Today's been pretty cool. Right, Les?"

"I am a robot." He beeped, "I don't know what cool is."

"...Right." Chris continued, "We introduced ourselves, and that's good. Will our next challenge really be as bad as we're hyping it up to be? Will rivalries form? Will Victor stop being such an ass? Will Hades lose?! He better lose! I swear, if he doesn't get first boot, I'll eat my hair gel!"

"I know, right?" Les added, "He's so off-putting."

"Everytime I close my eyes, I see him standing there." Chris shuddered, "Just staring. Ew."

"Anyways, you'll find out next time." Les said excitedly.

"Right here!" Chris finished, "On Total Drama Action Replay!"


	3. Flames of Glory

Chris groomed his hair in preparation for the intro. He stood in front of the Film Lot with Les suspiciously absent from this scene.

"Last time on Total Drama!" He cheered, "The contestants formed teams by finding coins with either an X or an O on it. And no, Tic-Tac-Toe was not involved. That would've been dumb. The Xs turned into the Slashing Eagles, and the Os turned into the Rampaging Grizzlies. Cool team names, huh? I hope nobody else took them before me... Eh, who cares if they did? I'm Chris Mclean! Continuing with my original thought, there was a bear and an eagle. That wasn't even intentional. Anyways, enjoy our show, I guess. Total Drama Action Replay, bitches."

* * *

Tiffany was awoken by the sound of someone shaking a container full of pills. She let out a sound that could only be described as frustrated and tired and a little disgusted, also known as a FATAALD, which was coincidentally a good onomatopoeia for it. After that sound had ended, she turned to yell at the culprit.

"What the fuck, Emile!?"

Emile sat on her bed, surrounded by her pills, which were in bottles, bags, various capsules and gizmos. The amount of medication was uncertain, but let it be known that it was a copious amount, and, if the drugs were water, Emile would've drowned.

"Oh, honestly?" Tiffany said, unamused, "Not only are you the weakest bitch I've met, you're also a junkie?! Just look at you, surrounded in your drugs-"

Skippy started awake, "Did somebody say drugs?! Don't do them, Emile! I've seen countless friends go down that path and then down a _hole._ In a _coffin._ Because they _died._ Granted, they didn't die from drugs... Yeah, there was a couple mass murders... But they died! That's ain't good!"

"They're not recreational drugs." Emile said as she separated pills, "They're my medication. ...I need them to survive."

"Oh." Skippy said, realizing her mistake, "Uh... Sorry? I guess? I don't even..."

Skippy trailed off, staring off into the distance. What was she even thinking about? She could be having a vision of the future, all That's So Raven! style. Or, she could be thinking about butts. I have no goddamn clue. Do I look like I have a clue? What am I, some kinda guy who has a clue?

Emile pulled out a portable blender and started shoving various ingredients from her bag into the blender. She blended the brew, and poured it into a cup.

"...You want a fitness shake, Skips?" She asked as she sipped the concoction, "I-It's my recipe! It'll make you all strong and stuff. I mean, I c-could totally see if you didn't want it, I mean, knowing me, it p-probably would taste like shit."

"Uh, no thanks."

Skippy started rummaging through her belongings. She picked up a piece of clothing.

"What's that?" Ushra asked.

"My binder." Skippy replied.

"...What's a binder?"

"It's for my boobs."

"...Oh."

"Can you be quiet?" Idalene murmured from her resting place, "I'm sleeping."

"Oh, Idalene!" Retro cheered, "There you are! You weren't here before we all went to dreamland, so I was hella worried! Where were you?"

"Kicking Hades in the dick repeatedly." Idalene said with an irritated tone, "Can I sleep now?"

"...Oh, okay." Retro mumbled, "That's... rad."

"Tmmph-wmmph!" Katana said, roughly translating to "That's awesome!".

"Two wrongs don't make a right." Deedee said with an air of mystery, "Three wrongs, however..."

"Okay, that's it." Idalene grumbled, "Screw you guys, I'm sleeping."

She rolled over and covered her ears in her pillow.

"What's your damage, Heather?" Yahto scoffed, "And no, don't correct me on her name, it's a movie reference."

"Oh, you like Heathers too?" Ace squeed, "Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, that's awesome."

"You really shouldn't." Ushra sighed, "Chainsaws are terribly rippy-flesh... What even is the word? Uh, anyways, I have a chainsaw scar on my back, wanna see?"

"Sleep!" Idalene yelled.

"Too bad, Idalene." Blue sighed, as she walked over to her, "Blue used Uproar!"

Blue let out an ear-piercing screech that shook the trailer.

"It's super effective!"

"Did you have to do that?!" Idalene moaned, "My ears won't stop ringing..."

"Dear, just be glad I didn't use Wake-Up Slap. Though, in saying that, Uproar has a base power of 90, while Wake-Up Slap has 70... But Uproar's a continuous move, so what if you switch out to a Ghost type? Oh, I might've made a mistake. Goddamn metagame, I'll tell you!"

Quyen, watching this conversation go on, leaned over to Gala and whispered, "What is she blatherin' on about?"

Gala leaned over and whispered back, "I have no fucking clue."

"...Right, then..." Emile said as she started walking out the door, "I'm going for a walk, gotta get some alone time/privacy."

* * *

 **Confessional:** Haha, she thinks she has privacy!

 **Chris:** Holy fucking shit, Emile. Are you that dumb? Well, of course, all that muscle must have took a toll on your brain. We have cameras everywhere. We see you when you're sleeping. We know when you're awake. There's also cameras in the toilet. We have interns watch you shit 24/7. They. Watch. YOU. SHIT!

 **Skippy:** ...Did somebody just rant in here, or is that just me?

* * *

"Wake up, mortals!"

All the guys jumped awake at Xerxes' yelling.

"Holy shit, I'm actually here?!" Zipp said, surprised, "I thought it was a dream! Yay, Mack's here, too!"

He grabbed Mack and held him in a hug, stabbing his thorns into his body.

"Oh, okay." Mack sighed, "So it wasn't a nightmare? Fine..."

"What the actual fuck, Xerxes?!" Walter yelled, "Why?!"

"You all have to wake up sometime." Xerxes said, "And what better way to wake up than to the sound of my amazing, beautiful, hot, superior, really hot, almighty, **really really hot** , voice?"

"I think you forgot 'hot'." Victor snarked.

"Why, thank you, mortal!" Xerxes blushed, "I am so glad you think so! I shall now refer to you as the mortal nickname Private as a sign of my gratitude for your sweet words."

"No, fuck off."

"Aw."

"Okay, that's it." Walter shuffled his way out of the trailer, "There's just a little bit too much male bonding here for me, y'know? Let me just-"

He tripped and fell down the stairs. If this were an actual show, it would've been in slow motion, maybe with dramatic music and a dramatic shouting of the word 'no', but this isn't a show. So, instead, he just fell. Fucking disappointing, I know.

"Ow."

"Guys, can we not?" Soren groaned, "It's too early for this shit."

"It's 10 in the morning." Claude said.

"Exactly."

"Wait a second..." Nate pointed at Soren with a look of confusion on his face, "You slept with the mask on? Why?"

"It's comfy." Soren shrugged, "So what? Zipp does it too, right?"

"Why, yes!" Zipp exclaimed, "How did you know?"

"Lucky guess."

"Pip pip, m'dear. Pip pip."

Walter stuck his head back in through the door.

"Hey guys?" He asked, "Do you know where Hades is?"

His question was answered with the collective sound of indifferent shrugging and a resounding noise of 'who cares?'.

* * *

Hades was still huddled on the bathroom floor, bawling his eyes out.

"Out of all the elements in the world..." He wailed, "Why did the one she had to kick my balls in with have to be ununoctium, the heaviest element in the world?! Why?"

* * *

"Whatever." Patrick shrugged, "We'll have a challenge today, and the Eagles will win thanks to my spells!"

He did a quick demonstration of his powers by snapping his fingers, a burst of fire coming from his hand.

"Bingo, Grizzlies lose."

"Well..." Claude reluctantly said, "Emile punched out a bear yesterday, so..."

"Hmph, child's play." Patrick scoffed, "Brute force is not the way to victory. You have to use magic, which is an entirely different thing!"

* * *

 **Confessional:** Fire magic is not brute force? It's news to me!

 **Claude:** Well, I'm a master of both brains and brawn! I always win the Smart-Off at school with my superior intellect and power! ...Yes, I use my muscles at a Smart-Off. It's unexpected!

* * *

"Well, fire is cool and all..." Flam said, "But have you thought about the power of friendship?"

"Well, obviously he didn't!" Victor yelled, "That's fucking retarded!"

Soren gasped, "YOOO-"

"Can it!" Victor yelled again, "Don't sing! It's annoying!"

"Well, since a certain asshole won't stop being an asshole, I'll change my question to be about electric powers." Flam asked, "Can you do that?"

"Well, yes." Patrick said as he got a large grin on his face, "It's _shocking._ "

Victor twitched at that pun.

"What about ice powers?"

"They're _cool._ "

Victor twitched even more violently than before.

"Can you do necromancing stuff?"

"It's to _die_ for."

Victor's erratic twitching caused him to fall over.

"Stage hands!" Chris' voice blared through the intercom, "Get over to the alien spaceship set! We need you for our challenge!"

"Finally, freedom!" Victor cheered.

* * *

"Ugh, freedom is so boring!" Victor whined, "When is Chris gonna get here?!"

The entire cast was standing in front of the warehouse which contained the alien set where the second challenge of Action was held, and now would hold the second challenge of Action Replay. And no, that's not on purpose. It's... it's just coincidence. I swear.

"I know, right?" Tiffany added, "It's so tedious, just standing here."

"It's a good time to come up with Pokemon strategies!" Blue cheered as she pulled out her red 3DS, "I'm trying to find a viable strategy for my Sawsbuck to be in my grass type team!"

"Well, you're making your team all grass type, right?" Retro thought for a second and then continued, "You could always make it an all-out Jolly attacker with a Life Orb and use Wild Charge, Horn Leech, Jump Kick and Megahorn. The varied types will help defend your grass types from counters."

"Dude." Blue said, "That's actually a somewhat decent start. I'll go work on that later. Seriously, if it weren't for the fact that I'm 16 and you're, like, 12, I would kiss you."

"Oh, ew." Retro shuddered, "I'm taken, thank you very much."

"Finally, I have a start to my Sawsbuck set!" Blue cheered, "Hurrah for me!"

"Yes, Blue. Continue on. " Hades snarked, "Because we all care about your pixels. We care so much."

"Shut up." Idalene said, "Or am I going to have to bring out the ununoctium?"

"No!" He squealed, "I'd rather die!"

"Well, I guess you're gonna get that wish!" Gala butted in, "Watch out!"

All the contestants scattered and ran as a car barrelled towards them at a high speed. The car skidded to a stop, and a girl jumped out of the vehicle. She had red hair and a light blue shirt, and her scarf was wrapped around her neck with various shades of gray and red covering it.

"Hey, Chris!" She yelled, "Where the sufferin' succotash are you?! You abandoned me and-"

The girl took a quick look around at the contestants and sheepishly stopped talking. She rubbed the back of her head, embarrassed.

"Oh, whoops. You must be the contestants. I'm Tom! Sorry for almost running you over! I wouldn't do that on purpose, you know! I can't exactly drive, both in my abilities and the legal stuff, so... whoopsies!"

"Hey, Tom! You made it!" Les beeped as he and Chris arrived, "I thought you weren't coming!"

"Well, excuse me, boltbag." Tom said bitterly, "You and hair gel over there decided to leave me at the island with nothing but this hunk of junk and the clothes on my back!"

She kicked the car to accentuate her anger. A loud clanging sound rung as she jumped in shock and pain.

"Oh, ow! Don't kick cars, that will hurt you!" She pitifully whined, "Anyways, I can't even drive! I'm only 14! Why would you do that?!"

"You were late to the helicopter." Chris said.

"I arrived early!"

"We didn't see you."

"You mocked me!"

"That was directed towards Les."

"You said, 'Hope you enjoy swimming, Tom!'!"

"That's Les' nickname now."

"I HAD TO RIDE THE CAR ON SHARKS"

"You're overreacting-"

"I RAN OVER MILEY CYRUS AND DESTROYED THE CN TOWER"

"...Fine." Chris sipped his latte, "What do you want me to do about it?"

"Explain to me why the title is 'Action Replay' and not something with an alphabet theme!" Tom yelled, "We have a contestant for each letter, utilize it!"

"We do?" Chris said as he counted the contestants in his brain, "We do! Oh, I never realized that!"

"Also, I read the list of challenges!" She continued yelling, "Why are there so few challenges based on movies?! The name is not only completely missing the alphabet theme, it's also wrong because of the omitted part of the season!"

"Excuse me, Tom, but have you seen last season?" Chris asked, "We had an animal buddies challenge, hello? We ran out of ideas the first time! Do you really think we'll be able to have more ideas if we already ran out?!"

"But-"

"Can we get on with the challenge already?" Skippy butted in, "We have places to go and people to see, mate!"

"Fine." Chris and Tom sighed at the same time, then glared at eachother.

"This isn't over, McLean." Tom said in a low tone, "Don't you forget-"

"Honestly!" Ace yelled, "Hurry up!"

"Fine, then. I'll do it." Les said, "There are two teams, the Grizzlies and the Eagles, remember? You are going to go against eachother in a heated game of capture the flag."

"Aw, capture the flag?" Patrick whined, "But that's for babies! You can't light anybody on fire in a game of that kiddiness!"

"Actually, bodily harm is encouraged!" Chris added, "Oh, so very much encouraged!"

"Yes, unfortunately." Les glared at Chris, "You all will be defending a simple flag, because defending anything but a flag in this game is just dumb."

"But, this list says that they were going to defend bombs that explode if they get shaken too much!" Tom interjected, "What happened to that?"

"Nitroglycerine costs too much in this day and age." Chris said sadly, "But, the bodily harm makes up for it. Grizzlies, you get the red flag and left side of the set, Eagles, you get the blue flag and right side. One of your members has to remove the flag from the other team's pole to win. Are we clear?"

Everybody nodded their head in understanding.

"Alright then!" Chris cheered, "Oh, by the way, the bodily harm thing comes from the fact that I made Les up weapons up the ass in there. Nothing too deadly, but they're painful. Go set yourselves up in there and wait for me to start the challenge, okay? Hut hut, stage hands!"

* * *

 **Confessional:** Uhh...?

 **Ace:** ...Weapons?

 **Skippy:** Weapons! I bloody love using weapons! Back home, I'm in a gang, and I'm their weapons specialist! One time, I combined a saw with a gun and cut one of our members' head clean clear off! ...R.I.P, Scraps. Anyways, I wonder what kind of amazing, glorious, deadly...

* * *

"...Useless, no good weapons!" Skippy yelled as she held a diaper, "What kind of weapon is a diaper?! All they're good for is the fact that they're fireproof! And who cares?! With this type of weapon being the norm, fire is not likely going to come into play!"

"Well, at any case, we know that we're not going to be harmed that badly." Flam said as he held a Wolverine action figure, "I mean, we're on equal footing, here."

He stopped to play with it a little.

"Pew pew~!"

"Yeah!" Yahto cheered as she ate some nachos she found on the ground, "Those losers probably have even worse weapons! We're going to ace this shit, easy!"

* * *

"I've got an axe!" Tiffany said excitedly.

"You've g-got a what?!" Emile stammered.

"Fweep, fweep, fweep!" Tiffany beamed as she swung her axe up and down, "Fweep!"

"Well, fuck." Walter sighed, "If we have an axe, what do you think they have?! We're screwed! They could have a goddamn machine gun all up in there, going PFTBLBLBLB and shit. You know... not like I would mind seeing y'all get torn apart like that..."

* * *

"Mrphh!" Katana kicked a plush of a monkey dressed in superhero attire across the room in frustration.

"I know, right?" Retro said as she went through a pile of useless knick-knacks, "If we had a real-life Super Monkey, we could use its darts to destroy everybody in an awesome display! Y'know, except for camo and lead in its vanilla form."

"Eagles!" Flam yelled, holding up a makeshift spear made of a stick and a nacho, "Ready your breakfast and eat hearty... For tonight, we dine in hell!"

The nacho fell off the stick.

"Aw."

"Whatever, mate!" Skippy yelled as she grabbed his stick, "I want to go pummel some heads in!"

"No offense, but I'm staying here." Victor yawned as he leaned against the team's flagpole, "Sacrificing your life for a flag is not something smart people do, so go on without me."

"Oh no, you don't!" Skippy said as she picked him up and put him over her shoulder, "I'll use you as a meat shield if I have to!"

* * *

 **Confessional:** Yeah, Victor! Get off your butt and sacrifice yourself in all your bloody glory for the team!

 **Victor:** What a bitch.

 **Skippy:** Back at home with my gang, I once used a fellow member as a meat shield! She got mutilated by some asshole with a machine gun. ...R.I.P, Sandy. You always lit the best fires and cooked the best weenies. ...Heehee, _weenies._

* * *

"Yar, Grizzlies!" Quyen stood in front of a chalkboard with a pointing stick, her team listening closely to her, "Here's our plan."  
She pointed to their spot, represented by a circle with a checkmark on it.

"This be us."

Her stick moved to the other team's base, represented by a skull and crossbones.

"This be them."

She held her hands close to the board.

"And this be what we do to them. CRUSH, KILL, DESTROY, SWAG!"

Quyen flailed her arms all over the board, creating a cloud of chalk. When she was done, she turned around to face her team.

"Okay, troops! All we have to do is win! Any questions?"

"Um, yes?" Tiffany sneered, "Why did you erase our base, idiot?"

Quyen took a quick look to verify that, yes, that was true.

"Oh, argh." She groaned, "I be... Gala, can ye do this? I ain't a planner."

"Fine." Gala said as she shoved Quyen away from the board, "First off, who here is a good fighter?"

Claude, Xerxes, Walter, Quyen, Zipp, Julian, Idalene and Soren raised their hands.

"Um, Soren...?" Gala asked, "You fight...?"

"Well, no." Soren said sheepishly, "I'm volunteering Emile."

"What?!" Emile yelled, "W-why?!"

"Well, you punched out a bear yesterday. That makes you a fighter in my book!"

"I'm a pacifist!"

"You punched out a bear!"

"...W-well, I'm a marital pacifist!"

 _"You punched out a bear!"_

"I only use violence as a last resort!"

"You. Punched. Out. A. **BEAR!** "

"Yeah, really, Emile." Zipp added, "If you can punch out a bear, you should be a fighter."

Emile sat down by the flagpole.

"N-nope, I am so, so, so sorry, but I'm defending the flag, and that's f-final. I'll only hurt them if t-they get near the flag, but otherwise? Just... n-no thanks."

"Whiny bitch." Tiffany said, "I'll go in her place."

* * *

 **Confessional:** Punching bear = Pacifist?

 **Tiffany:** I'm not really much of an actual fighter, but I could potentially hold my own against somebody else. The only reason I'm fighting is so Emile will look worse in comparison and get herself booted off. ...Yes, I know it's petty, but it's also strategic.

 **Emile:** Why do I feel like somebody's plotting my downfall in a very petty and kind of dumb way? ...W-whatever, I probably deserve it, haha...

* * *

"Alright, continuing on." Gala dropped the conversation, "Who wants to join Emile in defense?"

Mack, Soren, and Ace raised their hands.

"I'm joining you guys." Gala added, "And we're ready for battle! Capturing the flag is our top priority, alright? We are soooo going to win!"

"Alright, what's our strategy?" Nate asked, "If we don't have a strategy, we'll get butt fucked."

"Aw, strategy is for losers!" Skippy said as she pocketed a diaper, "I have enough strength to destroy any strategy!"

"I'm staying here!" Victor added.

"No you aren't!" Skippy yelled, "What's the point?!"

"Actually, that could help." Blue said, "We need somebody to defend our flag. Victor, you should stay and be an extra wall of defense."

"Ha!" Victor laughed at Skippy, "Haha!"

Skippy growled as she glared at the short annoyance that dared be in her presence.

"Does anyone else wanna be left behind while we're actually having fun and hurting people?" Skippy asked, "No? I thought so. Fuck you, Victor."

Everybody perked up when they heard Chris through the crackly intercom.

"Alright, then! Go!" He said, "Don't get mutilated!"

"Go, go, go, guys!" Skippy yelled, "Or I'll fucking pound you!"

The Eagles ran out of the room, terrified at what Skippy would do to them if they didn't.

"Hah, finally." Victor sighed, "Time away from those freaks."

* * *

"We shall destroy all who get in our way, right Jitterbug?" Xerxes asked as he ran towards the other team.

"Sure." Julian said quietly.

"Haha!" Hades laughed at them, "Not me!"

"Not if me and my ununoctium have anything to say about it!" Idalene yelled back.

"Oh, crap!" He yelled, stopping in his tracks and running back towards his team, "Katana! Get the shit girl!"

Katana ran next to Retro, who she picked up and put on her back. She hurried her running to a dashing sprint and lunged for Idalene, tackling her to the ground.

"Way to go, sis!" Retro cheered, "We rule!"

"I'm not down yet." Idalene said with an unnervingly calm tone, "I'm covered in shit, remember? It's great lube."

She slid her way out of Katana's grasp and started running away. Katana didn't move a muscle.

"Hey, sis?" Retro asked with concern ringing clear in her voice, "Why aren't you chasing her?"

"Mmph..." Katana cried as she stared at her arms and front, all covered in shit. She slowly curled up into a ball and started sobbing quietly.

"Oh." Retro stammered, "Ew. I'll just go on without you."

She got off of Katana and started running for the Grizzlies' flag, leaving her sister on the floor.

* * *

"So, what about the pacifist thing, Emile?" Soren asked while he leaned against the flagpole, "Any reason for that?"

"Oui, I want to know!" Gala added, "It seems quite interesting."

"Well, uh, it's simple." Emile said, "I-I work out a lot, therefore I'm ripped."

She rolled up her sleeve to show her gratuitous amount of muscles.

"I don't really like harming others. I'd probably let myself get pummelled on as a distraction before hurting somebody else. I mean, to be honest, if I punched an actual person, I'd probably break their face pretty badly. N-nobody deserves that."

"I've seen people hurt other people with way less muscles than that." Ace shuddered, "Yeah, in hindsight, not letting you loose on the opposition is a good idea to help avoid casualties."

"Like, are you on steroids or something?" Mack asked, "How?!"

"I have a lot of free time." Emile shrugged, "I-It's pretty much my favourite thing to do. There's really no secret to it, besides to do it frequently and to make sure you have a lot of energy in order to manage it."

"Ugh, fine. Don't tell me the secret." Mack crossed his arms in frustration, "Not like I want muscles or anything."

"Now, why would you want that?" Soren asked, "Muscles don't really benefit much in this day and age, honestly."

Emile grunted angrily at Soren when he said that, causing him to sweat a bit.

"Um, the better question is why not?" Ace added, "Someone comes up to you wanting a fight, and you punch them in the face with your bulk!"

"You could run away."

"What if they're faster?"

"You beg for mercy."

"What if they don't give it to you?"

"You lie down and wait for death."

"Oh!" Gala said sarcastically, "Because that makes so much sense!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Walter was doing exactly that while Blue sat on him.

"Why, Blue?! Why?!" He yelled as Blue whaled on him, "I give! Fucking stop!"

"No way, man!" Blue cheered, "This is the most fun I've had all day!"

"Fellow teammate." Deedee walked up to the duo, "Go grab the flag. I've got this cheese doodle."

"...Fine." Blue got up and ran towards the flag, "Good luck."

Deedee stared at Walter, and walked away.

"Goodbye, lucky one."

Walter sighed in relief at the prospect of not getting his face punched in.

* * *

Ushra was walking around an empty hallway.

"I'm pretty lucky today!" She exclaimed, "No injuries yet! This may be a new record-"

"Yo, bitch!"

She looked up to see Tiffany on the level above her on a bridge, axe in hand. Tiffany swiftly jumped off of the bridge and landed in front of Ushra.

"Hope you don't enjoy living!" She yelled as she ran towards Ushra, and swung her axe into her shoulder, cutting the flesh apart.

"Ow!" Ushra teared up and grabbed her shoulder in shock, "Why'd you do that?!"

"Oh, whoops." Tiffany stammered as she realized what she did, "Sorry! I sort of lost myself for a second, there! I may be a douche, but I have limits... D-Do you need a doctor?! I'll escort you out if you need it!"

"Um..." Ushra removed her hand from the cut and instantly put it back on when she saw how much blood there was, "That would be very much appreciated, thanks."

Tiffany grabbed her axe in one hand, and held Ushra's hand with another, and started running for the exit while making siren noises.

"Wee-oo, wee-oo! We've got an injured person!" She yelled, "If you ain't injured, then move your ass!"

* * *

Lina was walking around with Nate's magazine in hand.

"Oh, I feel terrible!" She said, "I know I should be focusing on the challenge, but this magazine is _so good!_ "

She stopped dead in her tracks and stared at her magazine with a confused expression.

"I... don't know this word."

She looked up to see Nate walking around a little while away from her.

"Oh, Nate!" She called out to him as she ran towards him, "Can you help me with a word?"

Nate jumped a little in surprise.

"Oh!" He stammered, "Totally! What is it?"

"Genesis?"

"Beginning. You know, origin? Creation?"

"Okay!" Lina chirped, "Thank you-"

She stopped to stare at Claude, who walked into the room.

"Oh." He said, "Am I interrupting something?"

"...I'll handle him, Lina!" Nate yelled as he ran towards Claude, "Go read your magazine or something!"

"Okey-dokey, Nate!" Lina cheered as she walked away, resuming reading her magazine.

"Uh, handle?" Claude said, "What do you mean, han-"

Nate tackled Claude to the ground.

"...Why?"

"Because I can."

"...Seriously?"

"I'm not exactly the strongest, so I might as well sacrifice my efforts to keep a better opponent down."

"Ah, smart."

* * *

"Sneakity-do-dah!" Zipp sang as he floated through a hallway, "Sneakity-yay! They won't see me coming, and it'll make my day!"

He made his way into the other team's base, and saw Victor leaning against the flagpole.

"Hey, Vicky!" He waved, pollen from the roses on his arms fluttering everywhere, "Can I have the flag?"

"No."

"Oh, okay. Goodbye."

Zipp floated out the door, leaving a confused Victor.

"...I didn't think that would actually work."

* * *

Tiffany plopped a dizzy Ushra in front of Chris.

"I hit her with an axe." She said.

"You hit her with an axe?!" Chris yelled, "Why would you do that?!"

"You could've killed her!" Les beeped, "That's illegal and, more importantly, against the rules!"

"No contestants, no show!" Chris continued, "Do you want this show to end in the second episode!?"

"...Against the rules? Honey, my priority is that it's immoral." Tom added as she got down to inspect Ushra's injuries, "Are you okay, sweetie? Wow, you really shouldn't be alive right now. That's a lot of blood, and... is that bone?!"

She jumped back in surprise, "Ew! Motherfluffer! I see bone! Get Chef on this, stat! Ew-ew-ew-ew-ew-ew...!"

* * *

"My nose is cold." Soren whined.

"Put it in the oven." Mack said.

"Ok."

Yahto burst through the entrance and ran for the flag.

"For the glory of the Eagles!" She screamed.

She tripped and fell on the ground next to the flagpole.

"Well, if that's for the glory of the Eagles, then I suppose you don't have much glory to begin with." Gala said, "Now, shoo!"

She dragged Yahto by her leg out of the door.

"I'll be back, baby!"

* * *

Victor snored as he slept against the flagpole. All was calm, until...

"Hey, Vicky!"

Blue's yelling woke him from his slumber.

"Oh, what?!" He snapped, "What do you want?!"

Blue made her way over to Victor, and plopped down next to him. She wrapped an arm around him, much to his dismay.

"I just wanted to join you because you're my best friend, silly!" Blue said as she hugged Victor tighter, "I've never really had a friend before, so I really don't know what to do with them. I thought I would come over and give you a hug to make you happy because hugs make me happy, and I thought you might want one too!"

"I don't." He sighed.

"Of course you do! Hugs are the ultimate grumpiness get-ridder-er! I bet you're just a little Grumpy Gus, or maybe a Vinegary Victor!"

Blue gave him a quick squeeze to emphasize her point.

"I swear, if you don't get off of me, I will kill you." Victor said with a tranquil fury, "I mean it!"

"Pfft, no you wouldn't!" Blue chuckled, "I'm your BBFF! Best Blue Friend Forever!"

Victor sighed when he realized that he was stuck with her. There goes the enjoyment of this challenge.

* * *

 **Confessional:** Vinegary? Is that a word?

 **Blue:** Vinegary: Bitter or sour in taste. But, Victor isn't bitter or sour. *Blush* He's such a dreamboat when he's not flailing in my arms, trying to escape my hugs! Why does he want to escape, though? Hugs are the best!

 **Victor:** If that fatass doesn't leave me alone, I'm killing her. If she survives, I'll try again. If I fail again, I'll jump off a building and kill myself. Yeah, she's that bad. She's a freak of nature! Bitch be cray-cray or whatever the kids are saying nowadays.

* * *

Xerxes was hanging for dear life on the edge of an active volcano. He looked up to see Julian staring at him with an angry look spread across his face.

"Jitterbug, help me!" He yelled in desperation, "I can't hold on much longer!"

The volcano started spewing lava, tiny fragments of it barely missed Xerxes as he struggled to pull himself up. Xerxes started slipping off the edge.

"Please! I wanna live!"

Julian stared at him with his cold, dead eyes.

"No."

With those words, Xerxes' grip finally gave out and he fell.

"Nooo!" He screamed as he fell off of the railing of the bridge and fell onto the cold, hard ground.

"Augh!" Xerxes flailed, "It burns! Why, Julian, why?!"

Julian looked down off of the bridge and stared at him.

"The floor isn't lava. Stop."

"I'm dying! I'm dying because of you!"

"Stop."

"How could you betray me like this?! We were gonna take over the world together!"

"...That would be nice."

"But you ruined it! You killed me...! Oh..."

Xerxes laid limp on the ground and hung his tongue out, signifying his 'death'.

"Heh." Julian chuckled, "That's funny. Get up."

Silence filled the air as Xerxes continued being dead.

"It was cute at first." Julian started becoming irritated, "Stop."

As he leaned over the railing, he realized that Xerxes wasn't moving or breathing.

"Are you okay?!"

He widened his eyes in horror when Xerxes continued lying on the ground. In a state of panic, he leaped off the bridge and landed by him.

"This isn't funny!" Julian yelled as he shook Xerxes, "It was a joke, you've had your laugh, so stop!"

"Boo!" Xerxes suddenly sprung up, sending Julian a couple feet back, "I'm not actually dead! I would've continued, but I can't hold my breath for that long. You gotta admit, I'm good at faking dead."

"Fine." Julian chuckled, "You kind of are. Doesn't excuse you, though."

* * *

"Haha!" Patrick laughed, "Nobody can defeat me!"

He had surrounded himself in a fort made of a bunch of various objects, ranging from pillows to broken bits of machinery.

"Ahoy, Pat!" Quyen said as she walked up to him, "Whatcha got goin' on, there?"

"Well, it's only my impenetrable and indestructible fort!" Patrick cheered, "You will never-"

Quyen lightly poked the fortress and it came crumbling down onto Patrick.

"Yar, me boy." She sneered, "It be as indestructible as a piece o' wet toilet paper, and as impenetrable as me vagina."

"What?" Patrick blushed heavily.

"What I be sayin' is that I get laid often." Quyen smirked, "All me girlfriends be like, 'Aye! Quyen! Ya need to stop going to the gay bar, picking up all the chicks ya see! You be a sex maniac!'. But, then, I look them directly in the eye and I say in the most sympathetic voice I can muster, 'Bitch! I don't give two shits about what ye be thinkin'! Go shove a-'"

* * *

 **FOOTAGE NOT FOUND DUE TO QUYEN BEING REALLY OFFENSIVE AND VULGAR WITH A HINT OF WAY TOO DESCRIPTIVE. SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.**

* * *

"Oh boy!" Lina cheered as she ran across the room, "I'll help my teammates win!"

She bumped into Walter, knocking him over.

"What the fuck, man!?" Walter yelled.

"Sorry, friend! I was distracted and I bumped into you. Do you need a band-aid to cure your boo-boos?"

"No, actually. What I need is this!"

He kicked Lina right in the torso, knocking her over onto her back. Lina slowly got up and silently stared at Walter, her eyes turning bright red.

"Threat detected." Lina boomed, "Target acquired. Mission: **DESTROY!** "

"Bring it!" Walter replied.

A brutal brawl broke out between the two of them. At least, if your definition of a brutal brawl is Lina pummelling the shit out of Walter. Deedee walked up to them and stared at them for a while.

"He shall beware or they will fish." She said.

Lina stopped beating up Walter and turned around to face Deedee.

"What?" Lina asked.

"Fish?" Walter repeated, confused.

"...Jesus fuck, you two are pathetic. Especially you, Walter, this is the second time I saved your ass." Deedee said as she walked away, "You can't even fight properly. That's it, I'm outtie."

* * *

Katana sobbed as she laid on the floor, covered in shit. She felt useless and disgusting, and why wouldn't she? She was letting a bunch of shit prevent her from moving, despite her being a strong player. It was so gross that it immobilized her, every movement coming close to making her vomit.

"Hey~!" Hades hissed as he walked towards her, "'Sup, babe?"

Katana stopped her tears, wiped them away, and groaned.

"Not now, Hades." She said, only her hoodie made it sound more like "Nnnph mmmph, hmmph."

"Yeah, I know." Hades said cockily, "I am pretty hot. Maybe you'd like to drive with me all the way to Pound Town, if you catch my drift~?"

"Hades, I'm not interested in your scraggly white ass." Katana snarked, only it came out as more muffled bullshit.

"Oh really?" Hades said, "We should totally do that asap!"

He leaned closer to Katana and whispered in her ear, "You will choke on me, whore, just trust me."

Katana ripped off her hoodie, revealing her face, which was heavily scarred and ripped around the mouth. Her mouth was closed, but it was so ripped that you could see teeth and gums. The scars ran across her face in a nonsensical pattern, almost like a child's scribblings, and covered most of the lower face.

"Listen the fuck up, Hades!" She yelled, shoving him off of her, "I said I'm not fucking interested!"

"I..." Hades stammered, "You're not as hot under that hood as I was expecting..."

Katana suddenly grabbed Hades by the collar, prompting a tiny yelp from him, and growled.

"Listen." She said, "I'm hot as shit and I'm not gonna let some ugly fuckboy say otherwise just because I don't match his standards of beauty, okay?!"

"Uh, l-listen..." Hades gulped, "I would still fuck you, you know? I mean, put a paper bag over ya and it'll be-"

Katana flung Hades across the room, ramming him into a wall, and angrily stormed off, forgetting the massive shit stain on her.

"You know, you're not exactly helping your whole ugliness thing with your attitude."

Katana chucked a hunk of metal at Hades, beaning him right in the head.

"...Ow."

* * *

"...And that's the story of how I managed to kill a person by hitting them with me boobs." Quyen said as she kicked an unconscious Patrick, lying in a pool of his own blood, "Geez, you sure seem to bleed a lot. Can nosebleeds be fatal? Aw, whatever."

Quyen stomped away, and exited the room into another. The sound of giggling hit her ears. She looked around to see that nobody else was in the room.

"Hey!" She yelled, "What's this all about? Stop yer gigglin' and reveal yourself!"

A sudden flash of blue and green hit her as Quyen fell to the ground.

"Surprise!" Retro cheered as she sat on top of Quyen, "I sooo totally got you!"

"...Why were you up there?" Quyen asked, "You do realize that the goal is to get the flag, and that staying in one spot won't help, right?"

"Um, excuse me, princess! I heard you just then, wasting your time talking about your sex life! ...By the way, is that story about the amputated arm really true?"

"Aye, mate. It was a truly terrifying experience."

"...Ew."

"Also, I be more than capable of getting you off me."

"Oh, yeah? Let's see you-"

Quyen effortlessly stood up, causing Retro to slide off her.

"...Try?" She squeaked.

"Awww!" Quyen giggled, "That sound be adorable! Aye, if ye weren't, like, 12, I'd make out with ya."

She ran off, leaving Retro behind.

"...That is the second time somebody said that. Is this going to be a recurring thing? I'm totally taken!"

* * *

 **Confessional:** More running gags? Running gags are for losers!

 **Retro:** Hey, Richie. Real talk, when I get back, we're going to have a lengthy conversation. Do people talk about me often because, woah, everybody's hitting on me? And then we'll take a money bath because I'll win this game and have a million bucks to blow! Yeah!

 **Tiffany:** More like a million bucks to no! Haha! It's funny because no! And I shouldn't have known she said that! And how the fuck am I in here...?! How the fuck?! Who the fucking fuck is Richie?! How does Retro have a better love life than me?! Why do people consider magenta to be a colour?! It's not a colour, guys!

* * *

Yahto sat outside the Grizzlies' flag room and wondered what she was going to do.

"I need a plan." She sighed, "Like, a good plan."

She put her head in her hands and thought hard. Seconds passed, and she was still drawing a blank. An audible sigh escaped her lips. A poofing noise took her train of thought and crashed it.

"Oh, hey... Zipp? Is that your name? Sorry, I'm kinda forgetful." Yahto said to the jester that randomly decided to teleport in, "Anyways, how are you?"

"Pretty good, I guess. My plans to capture the flag were foiled by Victor, the smart bastard."

"Really? Guess he isn't too useless. May I ask how he did so?"

"He said I couldn't have it, so I left."

"...What."

"I swear, he's a modern Einstein! But, I bet he has good grades. Did you know that Einstein did really poorly in school?"

"...Actually, that's a myth that stems from his teacher's recollection of him constantly daydreaming in class. He had skipped many grades in his youth and had good marks. The reason he was daydreaming was because he was bored. ...Moron."

"Don't call me a moron! I'm super astute!"

"...Yeah. Anyways, what's your opinions on everybody else in the team?"

"Well, I haven't interacted with many people... Wow, I need to start socializing more."

"Hey, me too! I literally have not talked to half of these people. Eh, Ace is okay, though. A Heathers fan is alright in my book. Retro is... pretty cool. She's the sole reason I'm on this team. She gave me a coin."

"Well, hey! That's kinda nice."

"I know, right?"

* * *

 **Confessional:** Please don't start talking about making out with her...

 **Yahto:** You know, maybe I should start socializing. Total Drama is a social game, and friends will help me in the long run... not that it'll really matter, though. Despite what all those ranking charts and edgics on Deviantart based on Total Drama fanfics will tell you, smart playing isn't really the priority for fanseasons. It's to tell a coherent story with heroes and villains, romance and drama, an interesting overarching plot, and have a satisfying ending that will close off a story. Despite what people tell you, having an under-the-radar character win ain't good. The audience expects to have a satisfying payoff, and having a character burst the fuck outta nowhere to ruin your entire fucking experience is just complete bullshit. Or, at least, that's how I feel it should be, you fucking idiots on DA. Yeah, don't think I don't see you, acting all pretentious and up your own ass about your own fucking work like you're the bomb because you're using a black/grey moral scheme. Give your audience some credit, we're not idiots. ...Sorry, I got a little off-track. What was I talking about?

 **Confessional:** Oh, thank the holy plungers above, she didn't mention making out with-

 **Yahto:** Also, Confessional, I wouldn't make out with Retro. I'm asexual and also aromantic. The only love I have is for me, family, friends, and maybe money and violence if I can get it. Sorry to sink your ships.

* * *

Blue suddenly shuddered as she held Victor in her tight grip.

"Oh... What was that?" She frowned, "I think one of my crack ships just became impossible. R.I.P. Yahto/Patrick."

"You're on crack..." Victor mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing."

* * *

Ushra stirred awake. She rubbed her aching temple and checked out her surroundings. The droning sound of constant beeping overtook most of her thoughts. Machinery surrounded her, various gadgets and doodads that seemed to fit in a hospital. She checked herself and realized that she was in a bed, shoulder bandaged. Also, Chef was in a nurse outfit, but she really didn't wanna believe what she was seeing, nevermind actually contemplate it.

"What happened?" She asked.

"You tried to fuck a horse." Chef said simply, "We had to bring you in to fix the butt-tearing and the tears in your shoulder the horse made."

"What?!"

"Just kidding. Girl hit you with an axe. I'm... actually kinda shocked to see you're alive."

"Oh." Ushra stammered, "Well, that's a relief."

"You seem fine. Go on with ya."

"Uh, no thanks. I'm still feeling kinda-"

"GET OUT!"

* * *

"I know about popular!" Ace sung offkey, her screeching vocals mixing terribly with her accent, "And with an assist from me, to be who you'll be, instead of dreary who-you-were, well, are, there's nothing that can stop you from becoming popular... lar? Ugh, I always fuck up that part. What do you guys think?"

"Well..." Soren said as he removed his hands from his ears, "That was terri-"

"Great!" Emile interjected as she shot Soren a glare, "Right, guys?"

"Oh! Uh, it was great!" Mack stuttered, "You could join the likes of... uh... I'm not really sure who could compete with your... _unique_ vocal talents."

"It was quite..." Gala struggled to find a word, "...Well, à chier."

"Thanks, guys!" Ace blushed, "Musicals are practically my life, I live and breathe them, so that means so much to me!"

"Right, I get what y'all are doing!" Soren exclaimed, "...W-wait, pretend I didn't say that!"

"Quick, I'll distract-!" Mack yelled, "I mean, uh, let me tell you a joke!"

"Oh, sure!" Ace said, "Tell it!"

"Why can't Amy Winehouse drive? Because she's dead!"

A smothering silence filled the room as Mack fidgeted awkwardly in the angry stares of his peers.

"Uh, get it?" Mack stammered, "Because you might think it's going to be a drunk driving joke, but it's because she's dead? ...Wow, tough room. This joke really killed it on my Summon Night: Swordcraft Story let's play."

"...Bruh." Ace said, "What the fuck. I like dark humour, but that was just painful. That wasn't funny, and it ain't just because Amy's dead."

* * *

 **Confessional:** It's time to play "Who's Ace Worse Than?"

 **Soren:** She's worse than a fucking fire alarm! No, really, I'm completely honest.

 **Gala:** She's worse than that sound a garbage disposal makes when you get a fork stuck in it!

 **Mack:** She's worse than Miranda Sings! And she's a character made to parody really shitty singers with big egos!

 **Emile:** S-she's worse than Justin Bieber. Yes, I went there, and, no, I don't have the heart to tell her so. ...Is that joke still relevant?

 **Ace:** Oh, I'm surrounded by such nice people! They flatter me and my singing abilities!

* * *

"Aughhh..." Walter moaned as he rolled across the floor in agony, still feeling the beating Lina gave him, "I miss Clarice. Her beautiful paint job was a sight to behold."

He stopped dead in his tracks to contemplate slightly, then he continued.

"Fuck this challenge, I want Clarice!"

* * *

"...Then I was like, all you care about is the money? Wow, you suck!" Tom said to Les as they walked across the lot, "Gotta keep your morals straight!"

"I care very little about morals." Les beeped, "I care about the law."

"So, like, being gay is pretty much illegal in Russia because of various bullshit double standard laws. Do you oppose that?"

"I'm a law enforcement system that primarily operates in Canada, Russia has no impact on my duties."

"But if you were a Russian law enforcement system, would you have a problem with gay people?"

"Obviously, it breaks the law, and thus my programming concludes that I should oppose it."

"Wow, you're gross."

"I have no say in what the law allows."

"The law is gross."

"Stop it!"

"It's a system that is abused by white people to get us blacks in jail!"

Les plugged his arms into his earsockets, "La-la-la! I can't hear you!"

"You use the law to oppress the oppressed and help the high and mighty! I- Wait..."

They both stopped in their tracks. They stared at the sight that was in front of them. The horror that was in front of them was a terrible, horrible, ugly vision of which one could never wash from their consciousness. It was a mindnumbing horror of endless torture and agony, and Walter and his motorcycle were involved. Of course, we the audience could not see it, for it's too terrible for any rating, honestly. But we can see the horrified reactions of Tom and Les.

"...Walter?" Les asked, "...Why are you having sexual relations with your bike?"

"...I'm too young for this." Tom said blankly, "I feel dead inside."

* * *

 **Confessional:** I'm not religious, but I feel the need to go to church.

 **Tom:** I have never sworn in my life, mostly because I feel like it would ruin my vocabulary, but I have never felt the urge to let out a mighty f-bomb more in my life than now. ...Oh sugarplums.

 **Les:** My programming dictates that I must now break down sobbing. *lies down* WAAH!

 **Walter:** ...I'm never gonna be able to live this down, huh?

* * *

Hades walked down the hallway, and suddenly stopped.

"Huh... Why do I feel like I just got dethroned for biggest creep? Whatever. Might as well attempt to-"

"There you are!"

He turned around to see Idalene with a devilish grin on her face.

"So, Mr. Sexist-Face, would you like to go again?"

"Uh, no..."

"Yeah, sorry, Shit Girl doesn't forgive." Idalene's grin grew wider, "Ununoctium doesn't forgive."

Hades could do nothing but flee towards his base as Idalene dashed towards him with a psychotic smile plastered across her face.

* * *

 **Confessional:** Was Idalene always this crazy?

 **Hades:** Someone hold me, I need some sort of comforting. ...Well, actually... *pulls a magazine out of his pocket* It's a porno mag. They make me feel better when I'm down. Now, let's see... Pfft, never realized how nice this photoshoot actually was. Go figure.

 **Idalene:** So, people at home, what did we learn today? _Don't fuck with me or I will hunt you the fuck down and **RUIN YOU.**_

* * *

Skippy walked towards her team's base with a saddened expression on her face.

She sighed, "Aw, c'mon! How come I haven't fought anybody yet? This is stu-"

A quick glance towards her pocket spun her creative spirit into action. In her mind, gears turned, machinery chugged on, and it all pointed towards one thing. Fire.

Skippy roughly pulled the diaper from her pocket, a devilish smirk crawling across her face, and covered her boxing gloves in it. She hauled out her lighter and looked towards the Grizzlies' base. A quick flick of her lighter lit the diaper on fire, the fireproofing material keeping her gloves and hands safe. Skippy started laughing, each unhinged cackle piercing the air as she ran towards the other team with her fists ablaze. She was gonna win no matter what, and nobody's gonna stand in her way.

* * *

Hades dashed down the hallway, crying his eyes out.

"Oh, come on!" He yelled, "Can't we talk this out?!"

"Sorry, bub." Idalene said as she ran after him, "I hold grudges."

"You pulchritudinous fiend!"

"Pulchritudinous means breathtakingly beautiful!"

"...Well, fiend means fiend!"

A quick check of his surroundings alerted Hades to a brick in front of him. Swiftly, he picked it up and threw it it Idalene. Surprisingly, it worked. The brick hit her face and sent her tumbling backwards onto her rear, effectively putting her to a halt. Seeing his chance, Hades continued running.

Idalene shook her head and wiped away the blood that was pouring out of her nose. She quickly got up, bolting after Hades at a quicker pace than before.

"I'm a master of speed, baby!" She yelled, "Having ununoctium in your shoes really helps give your legs muscle!"

"Wait, wouldn't taking off your shoes weigh you down less and thus make you faster?"

Idalene screeched to a halt with a look of utter confusion on her face. She glanced down at her shoes and stared blankly at them. She slowly removed them, and grinned.

"Wow... I feel so free." She said, "I feel like I could **kill a man!** "

She dashed towards Hades, who finally reached the base and scurried into it, sweating profusely out of panic.

* * *

"So, uh..." Gala said to the other people in her base, "Have I ever told you how I accidentally got an owl for my birthday rather than some jewellery?"

"...How does that happen?" Soren asked.

"Well..." Gala pondered, "So, in French, jewelry is bijoux. I asked for bijoux, and my mother thought I meant un hibou, which is an owl. So she went out and got me an owl. It was a massive pain getting her, so I didn't have the heart to give her back. I named her Blinky and I still have her."

"That's actually a lot more normal than what I was expecting." Ace said, "I was expecting some sort of crime... I blame the musicals."

"Anyways, I love her dearly." Gala continued, "But she eats dead animals, and that's kinda gross. And-"

She was interrupted by the sound of the door crashing to the ground with a audible clang. The dust settled to reveal Skippy to have kicked down the door, her fists aflame.

"Alright, soon-to-be losers!" She yelled, edging closer towards the flag as she did so, "Give me the flag, and nobody gets hurt!"

* * *

"And, so, that's the story of how I started shipping Boutiqueshipping!"

"Ugh." Victor groaned as he struggled inside Blue's tight hug, "That explains why Pokemon is so shit. Fucking lesbians ruin everything."

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

The sound of the door opening brought their conversation to a halt. They looked up to see Hades slamming the door shut, a look of sheer terror plastered across his face.

"Please help me!" He wailed, "Shit Girl's coming for me, and she's pissed!"

Blue dropped Victor to the ground and grinned, "Right, I got this. Nobody messes with the Eagles! We're like Braviary! We-"

Idalene burst through the door easily, almost like it was paper. She stood silently as the dust from the destruction she caused settled. She breathed heavily and her eyes darted in different directions as she scanned the room.

"Hey, Hades!" She said with a psychotic undertone, "How about we play, just you and me?"

"Oh hell no, you're not touching my teammate!" Blue yelled as she ran towards Idalene, preparing to tackle her to the ground.

Idalene swiftly dodged the tackle, causing Blue to ram head-first into the metal wall, knocking her out instantly. She looked at the fallen girl and giggled.

"Wow, that was dumb of her." She said, "Man, I feel slightly bad for her, but what are you gonna do?"

She walked towards Hades, who backed up slowly in return. Eventually the walking evolved into running as they started up what was basically a high-stakes game of tag, completely ignoring the flag.

"Aw, man." Victor sighed, "Should've brought the popcorn, this is great entertainment."

* * *

"Wait, Skippy!" Mack said, "Can't we talk this out? Please don't do anything drastic!"

"Back off." Skippy growled, "I'm gonna win and there's not a thing I wouldn't do to ensure that."

Mack quickly shuffled away from her and sat down in the corner, shuddering.

"Hey, Skippy! Get a load of this!"

Ace lunged forward towards Skippy and punched her in the stomach, knocking the wind out of her. While she recovered from the blow, Ace kicked her to the ground.

"Haha!" She giggled, "Not so tough now, you Pyromaniac! I-"

Skippy kicked Ace's legs, knocking them from under her. Ace fell to the ground, and Skippy got up.

"Ow..." Ace moaned, "That really hurt..."

"Please listen, Skippy!" Gala cried from across the room, "We do not wish you any harm! We will not get in the way of your duty as an Eagle, just please don't hurt our friend!"

Skippy shot Gala a quick glare as she pointed at Ace, "She started it."

"F-friend...?" Ace gargled, "Y'all consider me to be a friend? T-thank you..."

"Alright, um, I've h-had enough of this." Emile whispered as she approached Skippy, "If it's okay with you, can you maybe, uh, not hurt Ace any more than y-you already have? I mean, only if you want to, of course."

"Ugh, fine." Skippy groaned, "I have a flag to get, anyways."

She walked towards the flag, which prompted Soren to jump in front of her.

"Oh no, you don't!" He said, "I am not letting you get this flag, you hear?"

"Really?" Skippy sneered as she put up her fists, still brightly burning, "Maybe some fire will change your tune?"

"It would, but I know you don't have it in you. You kicked Ace when you could've just punched her legs while she was occupied. Face it, Skippy, you can't bring yourself to do it. You're too weak."

A heavy silence filled the room as everybody realized what Soren just said.

"You..." Skippy growled, "What did you call me?!"

"I called you we-" Soren suddenly stopped, terrified, "Shit. I mean, I called you a perfect individual who is above lighting people on fire! Haha, what did you think I said? You're perfect! Don't hurt me."

"Nobody calls me weak. Nobody!"

Time seemed to slow down as Skippy wound up a punch, aimed directly for Soren's face. Her punch was interrupted by Emile jumping in front of Soren and stopping the punch with her hands, burning them slightly.

"Emile, no!" Soren yelled, "What are you doing?!"

"Listen up, Skippy." Emile growled, "Actually, scratch that, I'm calling you Ouida. You don't like it, so I'm calling you that. I was not fine with you hurting Ace, but I acknowledge the fact that you didn't burn her. You know, Ouida, I can somewhat tolerate you slightly injuring one of my mates for your end goal, but you are _not_ lighting Soren on fire!"

"Don't call me that! It's Skippy!"

Skippy tried to shove Emile back, but she responded with a push of her own, moving the gloves higher so she could fight back better. Emile pushed Skippy back, digging her already tender hands deeper into Skippy's burning gloves, prompting a tiny yelp from her. Tears started forming in Emile's eyes.

"Everybody, run as far away as you can!" She yelled, voice slightly cracking, "I'm not letting anybody else get injured! I'll hold her back, just run!"

Everybody else in the room stayed still as they looked on in horror.

"What are you waiting for?! Just-"

Emile was cut off by Skippy kicking her directly in the stomach. She stumbled back, arms flailing and, more importantly, not holding onto Skippy. She slammed into the flag pole, but somehow managed to stay upright, albeit dazed, confused, and holding onto the pole for support. Slowly, her dizziness left, and she looked up to see Skippy grinning.

"Goodnight, weakling." Skippy said, "I'll see you in the Lame-o-sine."

"Wait, what-"

Skippy swiftly brought her fiery fist directly into Emile's face in a strong left hook, burning the skin right off the right side of her face, leaving a massive red mark. The impact was too much for Emile to handle, and she fell onto the ground, unconscious, spitting up a tooth in the process.

"Oh god." Soren stammered, "Oh god, oh god, oh god-"

"Shit, Emile!" Mack yelled, "Skippy, how could you?!"

"Easily." Skippy smoothly replied as she stepped over Emile's body, "Now, if you excuse me, I have a challenge to win."

* * *

"I'm gonna get you, Hades!" Idalene yelled as she chased him, "No doubt about it!"

"Hell no, Shit Girl!" He turned around to yell, "I-"

He suddenly looked ahead to see that he was barrelling straight towards the flag pole, luckily he dodged it before he could hit it. Idalene wasn't so lucky, as she collided head-first with the pole, causing her to fall to the ground. The flag on top of the pole started to wobble, every movement it made risked making it fall.

"Oh, hell no!" Victor said as he threw aside his popcorn, "I am not letting you win!"

* * *

"You know, it was fun beating you all into pulp." Skippy gloated, "I'm glad I had this opportunity."

She reached towards the flag and paused to look back at the group, all slowly backing up away from the flame-covered psychopath.

"Oh, right. I still have these things on. Silly me."

She took off her gloves and flung them aside. Grinning, she reached for the flag...

* * *

Victor leaped towards the pole and held it tightly, stabilizing it and the flag.

"Whew!" He sighed, "That was a close-"

Against all logic, the flag started to fall off the flag. If this were a show, it would fall in slow-motion with some dramatic music going on in the background.

"Nooooo!" Victor yelled, also in slow-motion.

* * *

If this were a show, it would show Skippy reaching for the Grizzlies flag, and the Eagles flag falling ever closer to Idalene, side-by-side in slow motion, until it cut to...

* * *

"Oh, finally!" Ushra cheered as she rushed into the building, "I may be beat up and bleeding, but I can finally fight for my te-"

"Alright, stagehands!" Chris said through the crackly intercom, "We have a winner! Gather up outside, and I'll explain."

"...Fuck."

* * *

All the contestants, with the exception of the group inside the Grizzly base, were scattered about in front of the set. The sun was starting to set.

"Ugh, my head hurts..." Idalene groaned while she sat on the asphalt, "Hades, how could you?"

"You were going to shove your foot up my ass!" Hades snapped, "What, did you just expect me to let you rip me to shreds?!"

"Yes."

"Ugh, where's Chris?" Tiffany groaned, "We all gathered up outside, so when is he coming?"

"We still don't have some of the Grizzlies and that Skippy chick." Claude said shakily, "I hope they're alright, there were a lot of potential hazards in there."

"Careful, guys. I'd rather not hurt her any more, alright?" Soren said as he helped Gala and Mack carry an unconscious Emile, with Skippy reluctantly helping a woozy Ace follow behind.

To say that Claude flipped his shit over this sight would be an understatement.

"What the fuck?!" Claude yelled, "What did you do?!"

"Long story short: Skippy acted like a dick and ruined everything." Mack sighed, "I guess she loved Emile tinder..."

"Mack, this is no time for puns!" Claude said as he grabbed Mack's shirt in a threatening display, "Explain exactly what happened or I will not let you hear the end of this..."

"Ugh, Orange Dude is right." Skippy groaned, "I lit my gloves on fire, and then let the power and the thought of winning go to my head. I shouldn't have punched her, that was a really shitty thing to do."

"And...?" Claude said.

"...What?"

"Aren't you gonna say sorry?!"

"Dude, she's not even awake yet, it's not like it ma-"

"Say you're sorry for hurting my friend!"

Skippy blinked in realization, then put her head in her hands in shame.

"Okay, listen." She sighed, "I'm not the best with words, so bear with me here. I'm sorry. I really am. I became a deranged psychopath with no empathy towards anybody else and hurt Emile in the process. I will probably never forgive myself for this, because she did this totally selflessly to protect Tiny Boy over there."

"I am not tiny!" Soren yelled as he put a wet towel on Emile's charred face, "You're just really tall!"

"Dude, that is beyond the point!" Claude said, "Skippy, continue."

"I lit her on fire, and I should probably be shunned for life just for that fact alone. Fire is painful shit, man. Still, I ask you from the bottom of my admittedly shallow heart to forgive me. I promise to never do this again, I swear. Once you have my word, I never go back on it."

"Hmm, good speech." Claude said.

"...Aren't you gonna say whether or not you forgive me?!"

"That's up to Emile to decide. You hurt her directly, not me. I'm only hurt because I feel responsible because I wasn't there to protect her, you're actually _directly_ responsible for this!"

"...Fine." Skippy sighed, "That's fair."

"Hey, you know what would be funny?" Tiffany giggled, "If Emile's efforts were in vain and we lost!"

"I hope I lose." Skippy said as she slumped onto the ground into a depressed lump, "I deserve it."

"Um, we don't deserve it!" Victor yelled, "Who cares what that bitch sacrificed, you can't throw our team aside like that, Skippy!"

"Well, actually, Skippy's wish came true!" Chris said as he walked up to the cast, "Grizzlies win!"

"Yay..." Skippy cheered quietly, "Now I have no guilt about winning..."

"You gotta prove it, Chris!" Victor shouted, "Prove it, prove it, prove it!"

"...Dude, whatever I say kinda goes here." Chris said, "Did you even watch the last seasons-"

"PROVE IT."

"Yeesh, fine! Here, dipshit!"

Chris pulled a remote control out of his pocket and pressed it, causing a monitor to pop out of the ground for some reason.

"Don't ask." He said.

He pressed another button, causing the static on the monitor to leave, revealing a playback of the scenes that just unfolded in the bases side-by-side. He pressed a button to pause it when the flag fell on Idalene. He pointed towards Skippy, who was still reaching towards the flag.

"You see?" Chris boasted, "I'm always right. Nyeh!"

"Loser says what?" Victor said under his breath.

"What?"

"HA!"

"...Fuck you."

* * *

 **Confessional:** Well. That was kind of a whiplash.

 **Skippy:** *with her head in her hands* Oh my god, I'm such an asshole.

 **Retro:** ...What the fuck happened?

 **Skippy:** *now lying down in a depressed state* Oh my god, I'm such an asshole...

 **Ushra:** ...Aren't I the go-to injury gal?

 **Skippy:** *hanging from the ceiling* OH MY GOD I'M SUCH AN ASSHOLE

 **Lina:** This reminds me of the time Mango fell and broke his face~!

 **Skippy:** *right up against the camera* **OH MY GOD-**

 **Victor:** ...She deserved it...

* * *

"Okay!" Blue cheered, "I think we're good now!"

All the girls had regrouped to their trailer, and managed to drag Emile with them. If this were a show, the camera would've panned to Emile, still unconscious, thrown haphazardly onto her bed. The sheets beneath her slipped off the bed, sending her tumbling to the ground.

"...Nevermind." Blue said, "We're not good."

"I got ice!" Lina said, as she dropped an ice bag directly onto Emile's head.

"Don't worry, I'll fix this." Skippy grunted, "Gimme a minute."

Skippy picked Emile up with relative ease and laid her back on the bed gently. She looked at the unconscious body and moved an arm that got trapped under her to a more comfortable position. Wouldn't want her limbs to go numb, right? A slight smile spread across her face as she picked back up the blankets and tucked Emile in, putting the ice pack on her burnt face.

"There." She said, "Much better."

"Lmao, we wouldn't even be in this position if you didn't lose your shit, Skippy!" Yahto yelled from across the room.

"Do we really need another body on the floor?!" Skippy yelled back, "I'll do it, don't doubt it for a second!"

"The burning hands hurt everybody." Deedee said, "The hands are attached to a squirrel."

"Shut the fuck up, Deedee!" Skippy said as she stomped out of the trailer, "Fuck y'all, I'm gone."

Silence hung over the trailer for a while until Blue broke through it.

"Okay, but we're still not good!" She said, "Emile's still knocked out! What are we gonna do?"

"Maybe she's dead?" Tiffany looked up from filing her nails, "One less person to vote out."

"...Did anyone actually check her pulse?"

Everybody stared at Emile's body. Slowly, they all backed away from her.

Eventually, Quyen slowly shuffled towards Emile and hesitantly reached to check her pulse. Right before she was about to touch her, Emile sat up, obviously confused.

"W-what happened?" She asked groggily.

"JESUS CHRIST" Quyen screamed as she sprung up in fear and tumbled backwards onto the floor, "SHE'S ALIVE"

"No, s-seriously, what happened?" Emile stammered, "My face hurts..."

"Ugh, here." Tiffany said as she tossed Emile a hand mirror, "You kinda lost a bit of your face, faggot."

Emile caught the mirror, and looked at what remained of the right side of her face. It was a dark red, with random patches of charred black skin dotted about and peeling off. Her skin was uneven and rough, barely covering the bone in her face at some points. Tears formed in her eyes as she reluctantly touched her face, only to quickly pull her hand away from the sudden and unexpected pain it caused.

She plopped back on her bed silently.

"Emile?" Blue said, "If it helps, Skippy said she was sorry."

She did nothing, continuing to stare at the ceiling, tears forming in her eyes.

"I know it doesn't seem that way, but she left because she couldn't handle what she did. ...Are you okay?"

Emile ignored her, ramming her face into her pillow. A few muffled sobs echoed through the trailer.

"Don't cry, friend!" Lina cheered, pointing towards the hole in her face, "We're like twins now!"

Katana took down her hood, revealing her severely cut up face to the world. She licked what was left of her lips in preparation, obviously not completely used to talking unmuffled.

"Maybe triplets?" She said, "It's not that bad, Emile, trust me. You'll heal a little, and then you'll look absolutely kickass and cute at the same time!"

Emile got back up, and shot Katana and Lina as much of a menacing glare one who'd been crying could muster. She awkwardly talked out of the left side of her mouth.

"My lips are melted shut." She managed to choke out, "That is not cute."

"I can fix that!" Ushra said as she walked up to her, "I know how to get you separated! Fyi, my hands are a little dirty, so prepare for that."

"Wait, what-"

Ushra shoved her hand in Emile's mouth and forcibly separated her lips, tearing the flesh that hung between her lips apart, causing blood to drip down her face and Ushra's hand.

"...I could've done that myself!" Emile yelled, "Why'd you do that?!

"Yeah, you could've." Ushra said, "But would you?"

"Yes!"

"...Oh."

Emile grunted and walked out the door, slamming it behind her.

Everyone in the trailer just kinda stared at eachother awkwardly, letting the silence consume them.

"So, uh, how about we lighten up the mood a bit?" Retro stammered, "...Tiffany's a fucking furry, I call it."

"Fucking what?!" Tiffany screamed, "I am not a furry!"

"Well, that's what you would totally say if you were a furry." Yahto yawned, "You sure you're not secretly dressing up in fursuits and going to cons?"

"That is also something a non-furry would say! ...Which I am! I'm both saying that and not a furry!"

"Don't forget the yiffing." Retro said, "Can't go to cons without the yiffs."

"...Is that a sex thing?" Katana asked, "How do you know this stuff?!"

"Yes, it's sex, Kat." Retro giggled, "Tiff's getting all the fox penises because she's a furry."

"I am not!"

"...Okay, that's a little far, Retro." Yahto said sternly, "Tone it down, will ya?"

"...Fine." Retro blushed as she settled down onto her bed, "She's still a furry, though."

"Goddammit, I am not a furry! I'm-"

"Yo, Eagles!" Chris suddenly blared over the intercom, "Get your asses over here, we need to vote and do things and basically wrap this shit up! Do you realize how long it took to make this episode!? Nine months! Nine! I'm getting impatient, that is too much! That doesn't even include the months-long waiting period between completion and upload! There are people out there who get this shit done in a single night, but I gotta get stuck in the fic run by a slacker! And- ...Wait, I'm breaking the fourth wall, aren't I? ...Ignore everything I just said. Eagles, please get over here, I need you. You're my only hope. That was a Star Wars. This joke wasn't relevant when this chapter began. Help."

* * *

"What?" Victor shouted, "Voting already?! We didn't even get focus! What the fuck, this is so sexist?!"

"You're just mad that you lost!" Soren cheered.

"Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, and double fuck you."

"Oh, gladly~!"

"...AAAAAAAAAAAA"

* * *

"Oh my god, finally, I get to boot one of you fuckers off!"

Chris was standing up on stage with his blue tuxedo, visibly exhausted.

"Shut the fuck up, Chris!" Yahto yelled from the seats, "You've been ranting for an hour!"

"...I have?"

"Yeah!" Walter added, "I timed it, I have a watch!"

"...Well, it's not my fault that there's too many of you little shits!" Chris yelled, "You don't understand how hard it is to give you guys some equality in screentime!"

"Chris...?" Tom said as she walked from backstage, "I'm worried, are you okay? Since when were you an author insert?"

"FUCK YOU, TOM!"

"...Oh. Forget you, I'm going to bed."

Tom walked off, leaving Chris to think. He teared up a little.

"...I shouldn't have said that." Chris said, "I need someone to make my lattes..."

"Chris!" Patrick yelled, "Can we please, please, please get this over with!? Nine months, Chris! Please release us from this hell!"

"Three! Three! Three!" Deedee chanted, "Three! Three! Three!"

"Then hurry up and vote!" Chris screamed, "Do the voting, free us! Free us!"

"We already did it!" Blue sobbed, "Hurry up, I gotta pee!"

"...Ew."

"IT'S THE FUCKING TRUTH THERE IS A CURSE IN MY PANTS AND IT'S THE SHITTIEST ONE"

"Okay, sheesh!" Chris said, "Just do your confessionals! ...Les, bring me a fucking latte, I don't get paid enough for this bullshit!"

* * *

 **Confessional: NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE**

 **Victor:** I hate everyone here, why can't I just vote for everybody?! ...Fine, Mr. Creep caused Shitastic to slam into that pole and make the flag fall! And did he try and stop it? No! Of course, I gotta do it, because I gotta do everything!

 **Katana:** Mmmph! Mmmph! ...Mmmph...

 **Nate:** Lmao, idc, I'm not even relevant!

Retro: Skippy got kinda cocky and fucked everything up, tbh. I mean, she also fucked up Emile's face, but she also had the sin of not hurrying that shit up. ...Then again, at least she participated most of the time, unlike Victor...

 **Lina:** I don't wanna vote anybody out! That means that I gotta go, right? Okay, then! I went far enough already!

 **Skippy:** I'M FUCKED! I'M COMPLETELY **FUCKED!**

 **Yahto:** Has anyone ever told you that Hades is a creep? Because Hades is a fucking creep, holy shit.

* * *

"Mmmmmmoh my god." Chris groaned as he sipped his latte, "Finally, finally, finally! We can escape this hell!"

"I'm tallying it up!" Les screamed as he flailed at a computer, "Free us! Free us!"

"Are you done yet?!"

"Yes!"

"Submit it! Print it!"

"It's printed! It's printed!"

"Chef, get over here, we need that document!"

Chef walked onstage in his usual pink dress, and an envelope in hand.

"Y'all are crazy." He said, "Just... just stop."

Chris screeched, piercing the eardrums of everybody nearby. Chef covered his ears in horror, causing him to drop the document. Chris lunged at the floor, grabbing the envelope and tearing it open violently with his teeth. He stared at the drool-covered document as he got back up to his podium.

"Yes."

He stared at the teens, all fidgeting and sweating out of impatience.

"Okay, you all know how this goes, right?" He said, "I call your name, toss you a Gilded Chris, probably hit you right in the head with it, and if you get it, you get to suffer another day with me. Great, huh?!"

"Get on with it!" Victor yelled.

"Fuck off, I do what I want, Victor!"

"Please, Chris!" Lina begged, "My joints are getting rusty!"

"And I still gotta pee!" Blue added.

"Fine!" Chris said as he pulled out a statue, "Ushra, catch!"

"Wait, what-"

The statue hit Ushra right in the face, knocking her out instantly.

"Deedee!"

The statue hit her in the head, but she didn't react to it.

"Katana!"

Katana caught her statue, and grinned, despite nobody being able to see it.

"Yahto!"

She didn't even bother catching it. She quickly moved to the right, letting it fly past her and hit Victor behind her.

"Ow, what the fuck?!"

"Victor!"

Chris tossed Victor his statue, hitting him again.

"Fuck you, man!"

"Flam!"

Flam ducked as the Gilded Chris flew above him, missing him and hitting Victor again.

"...Why...?"

"Patrick!"

Patrick caught it, and lit it on fire with his magic.

"Toasty~!"

"Retro!"

Retro cringed as the statue flew towards her, but Katana caught it for her.

"Lina!"

Lina caught the statue and scanned it with her sensors.

"This is not gold." She said, "This is just scrap metal with traces of asbestos in it."

"...Doesn't that stuff cause cancer?" Blue asked.

"Wow, look at that, Blue has a statue, catch!" Chris yelled as he shakily threw a statue at Blue, hitting her on the head and knocking her out instantly.

"Nate!"

The statue hit his visor, causing it to crack slightly.

"Dammit, I'm gonna have to fix that later!" Nate yelled.

"That doesn't matter, Nate, because we're down to two people." Chris chuckled, "Skippy and Hades..."

"No, don't bother." Skippy said as she got up, "I know I'm already out. I fucked up, and I'm gonna pay the consequences. Does that mean I'm okay with it? Fuck no, I wanted to go far, make everybody proud. But you know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it had to come to this. I deserve this. I-"

"Skippy, sit down and shut up." Chris said as he tossed her a statue, "Hades is leaving, holy shit."

"What?!" Hades yelled, "Why?!"

"Because you cost us the challenge, duh." Victor said.

"You're the one who failed to catch the flag!"

"Also, you're a creep." Yahto yawned.

"Dude, I'm not that much of a creep!"

"We just generally hate you, dude." Retro giggled.

"What the fuck?! That is totally unreasonable!"

"Mmmph mmmph mmmph!" Katana mumbled.

"I don't know what you said, but all I gotta say is fuck you!"

"Chef, take him away!" Chris cheered.

Chef picked up Hades, chucked him over his shoulder, and carried him off to the Lame-o-sine.

"This isn't fair!" Hades yelled, "What the fuck are you guys doing this for?! At least I tried, Ushra didn't do shit all!"

"I took an axe to the shoulder, Hades." Ushra said in a low tone, "What the fuck?"

"Yeah... But, still, why?! I got mauled by a rat yesterday and I'm still useful, why are y'all ignoring that?"

"Plot convenience." Deedee replied.

Chef chucked Hades into the Lame-o-sine.

"Fuck you!" Hades said as the door was slammed in his face and the car drove off.

"Celebrate!" Chris screamed, "Celebrate!"

* * *

The boys were celebrating in their trailer, with loud music and everything. They also had balloons somehow.

"Hey, guys?" Flam asked, "How did we get balloons?"

"Magic for my hero, Mack~!" Zipp replied.

"Oh."

Meanwhile, Mack was chugging orange soda while Xerxes and Julian cheered for him.

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" Xerxes cheered as Julian did an awkward dance behind him, "Make that soda your bitch!"

"Can't you guys stop!?" Victor yelled from his bed, "I'm tired, and I wanna sleep!"

"But we're having fun!" Xerxes said.

"And I spent so much effort on this party!" Mack whined, "Can't you at least try to enjoy it?"

"Yeah, I kinda agree with Victor." Soren sighed from his bed, "Ew, that was a gross sentence to say."

"...Soren, you okay?" Mack said, "You don't seem like yourself..."

"I'm worried, I guess."

"...Okay."

"...I'm going for a walk. Sorry, dude. Nice party, though."

Soren got up and walked slowly to the door, closing it gently behind him.

"Uh, Mack?" Claude asked as he raised his hand.

"What?"

"Can I go follow him?

"...Dude, you don't need to ask to leave?"

"Oh. Okay!"

Claude followed Soren out the door, leaving a confused Mack.

"...Are my parties really that shitty?"

"Yes." Replied Victor.

"Fuck you."

* * *

Emile sat on the cliff overlooking the entire film lot, gazing at the view. She sighed, absentmindedly brushing her hand against what remained of her right cheek.

"Is it really worth it?" She groaned, looking at the sharp incline in front of her.

Silence overtook her again as she stared at the abyss below. Emile was never good at estimates or heights or math or really anything, but it was at least 50 feet. Hell, some part of her thought that that was a vast underestimate.

"...I could just jump off and end my suffering now."

She immediately put her head in her hands and groaned.

"No. I promised myself I wouldn't do that here. Not again. I have a chance to be useful, turn my life around, I'm not gonna waste it."

She thought again.

"...Did I take my anti-depressants...? Shit, I'll have to do that later."

"Yo, Emile!"

The sudden sound caused Emile to jump, almost sending her off the edge of the cliff.

"Wow, what the hell, Soren?" Claude said as he and Soren walked towards Emile, "You could've sent her off the cliff!"

"Heh, sorry..."

"...W-what are you guys doing here?" Emile stammered, "Shouldn't you be partying or something?"

"Nah." Soren said he plopped down next to Emile, "I wanted to make sure you're okay. Claude followed me too because he's a creep."

"Pfft, am not!"

"Are too! We went to the girl's trailer, but they said you went for a walk, so we looked all over for you!"

"But why?" Emile asked, "Don't you have anything better to do?"

"Anything better than comforting a friend?" Claude said, "Pretty sure that doesn't exist."

"...Oh. ...Friend?"

Emile blushed and instinctively covered her face quickly, pretty much slapping the burnt side of her face.

"Ow!" She yelled, "Fucking ow!"

"Shit, you okay?" Claude panicked, "Is there anything we can do?"

"No." Emile groaned, "Just... just don't let me do that again. I'm gonna have to get used to this ugly tragedy, I guess."

"Ugly?" Soren said, "Nah, I think it's pretty cool!"

"...What."

"Emile, honestly, you're beautiful." Claude added, "I don't think ugly is in your dictionary!"

"...What?"

"And even if you somehow did turn ugly," Soren continued, "You're still our friend, that doesn't matter!"

"...WHAT?!"

"Soren got it pretty spot on." Claude said, "We'll be here to help you through this. You may of lost your face, but we're here for you. You deserve it, you're the reason we won."

"...Oh."

Silence took them over again. The sounds of crickets chirped loudly nearby.

"So, uh..." Emile stammered, "S-shouldn't you be getting back?"

"No thanks." Claude said as he rested his head on Emile's shoulder, "I'd rather stay here for a while with you."

"Same." Soren said as he snuggled in closer, "The guys are being kinda loud back in the trailer anyways."

Emile just sat there, overwhelmed, and at a loss for words. She struggled to get a single syllable out, but she was left silent. She slowly wrapped her arms around her friends and gently smiled.

"...Thanks."

* * *

"Yes!" Chris cheered, "It's over, and there was a challenge and I'm happy!"

"Hades is gone!" Les said happily, "He is gone!"

"Honestly, I'd rather Walter..." Tom shuddered.

"Shut up, Tom." Chris said, "You never brought me my latte, you don't get to have an opinion."

"...Forget you, I'm going to hang out with Chef. He treats me with respect!"

Tom walked off with a frown on her face.

"Anyways, that was a good episode." Chris said, "People got hurt, Emile got burnt, and Hades was booted. Still, how will everybody deal with their situations? What's our next challenge? Will Blue realize how shitty Vicky is, like, holy shit?"

"You'll find out next time!" Les said excitedly.

"Right here!" Chris finished, "On Total Drama Action Replay!"


	4. Sub Rosa

Chris was standing on a raft in the middle of the ocean, with a shaking Tom and Les next to him.

"Last time on Total Drama!" He yelled, "There-"

"Why did you bring us here?!" Tom yelled, "Neither of us can swim!"

"I'm a robot!" Les sobbed, "I'm a robot!"

"Don't interrupt me! Anyways, the contestants fought in a battle to the death, or should I say something else? Heh, it's all fun and games until someone loses their face-"

"I'm aquaphobic!" Tom cried, tears running down her face, "This is a cruel joke!"

"Yes, and it's funny, shut up." Chris sighed, "Anyways, the Grizzlies won, and Hades was done! Will-"

"Chris!" Les yelled, "The raft is shaking, the raft is shaking, the raft is shaking!"

"Don't care, don't care, don't care! I-"

"A fish is staring at me!" Tom screamed, "What the frickie?!"

"Oh my god-"

"I GOT SPLASHED!" Les screeched, "AAAAAAAAA"

"...Find out on Total Drama Action Replay. Fuck you guys."

* * *

"Hah, it's a good morning." Flam yawned as he woke up.

He looked out the window. It was so early that it was a little dark. Nice, now he'll get some sweet relaxing time. He slowly crawled out of his bed, and climbed down his ladder, searching around the trailer.

"Oh, I'm so glad Hades is gone." He said, "Hey, maybe I could use his bed for storage-"

He looked to Hades' bed, only to find Skippy sleeping there.

"SKIPPY!" He yelled, waking everybody up, "WHAT THE FUCK!"

"Oh my god, what's the commotion?!" Victor said angrily, "I wanna fucking sleep!"

"SKIPPY'S SLEEPING IN OUR TRAILER"

"Holy shit, Skippy, you pervert!" Nate yelled, "What the hell, man?!"

"Exactly, man." Skippy yawned, "I'm a dude now."

"...You're a tranny?" Victor said in a disgusted tone, "Ugh, I knew just from looking at you that you had a dick."

"...I don't have a dick." Skippy said in a deadpan tone, "I'm genderfluid. I woke up in the middle of the night, and I was a dude, so I came over here. ...I have a vagina, not a dick."

"Whatever." Walter cheered, "Girl in our trailer! Girl in our trailer!"

"Dude, that's mean." Soren said angrily, "Skippy's a dude, you should treat him properly."

"Thanks, man." Skippy grinned, "You're cool in my book. Sorry for just randomly coming in, but I don't really feel comfortable being in the girl's trailer, y'know?"

"I don't feel comfortable having you in here." Victor gagged, "Fuck you, I'm outtie."

He jumped off his bed and walked out the door. He walked back in, realizing he was only in his boxers.

"Why."

"Because you're a terrible person." Xerxes said, "And I'm the evil genius here, so..."

"Yes." Julian agreed.

"I mean, I knew this one guy who was trans. I forgot his name, though... My cousin Aaron introduced me to some friends, and he was their friend. Friend of a friend of a cousin, I guess. He was a god at the weights, I didn't even know someone could lift that much shit without dying. Even I couldn't lift that much, so he was cool! ...Or was he not a transman, but a translady? He? She? ...Fuck, I'm just gonna say they and be done with that issue."

* * *

 **Confessional:** Lmao, author is non-binary, this shit is close to her heart.

 **Xerxes:** Sorry, dude! ...Dudette! I forgot your name and gender! I'm a terrible person!

 **Julian:** ...Fun story.

* * *

"I'm not a terrible person!" Victor yelled, "I-"

"Yeah, whatever." Skippy said as he did his hair, letting it fall over his eyes.

He changed his entire outfit, his usual dirty red jacket and white shirt were replaced by a cleaner red jacket and a blue and yellow striped shirt, and his red boxing gloves were nixed in favor of purple fingerless gloves with a texture similar to sandpaper.

"...What the fuck is up with your outfit?"

"Lmao, I'm feeling the style today. What, are you jealous, Vicky~?"

"It's Victor, and-"

"Yo, fuckers!" Chris yelled through the intercom, "We're leaving early today, we're going on a fucking road trip! Yeehaw!"

"...What."

* * *

Victor was sitting on a bus with the rest of the contestants.

"...What."

"The wheels on the bus go round and round!" Lina sung as she read the magazine Nate gave her, "Round and round! Round and round!"

"Buses make me wanna die." Yahto moaned, "Why?"

"Same?" Ace added, "Like, it reminds me of school and school makes me wanna die."

"That's why I fucking dropped out." Skippy giggled, "Is it a bad idea? Yes. Do I regret it? Not right now. I'm not very smart anyways, so I don't care."

"Pfft, that's probably a lie." Gala said, "Everybody's smart, honestly."

"...I will admit that lighting your gloves on fire was smart." Emile sighed, "Good? No. Smart? Pretty much, yes."

"...I'm sorry about that, you know."

"Yes, I know. I don't exactly forgive you, and I don't think I will anytime soon, but I'll continue to treat you the same."

"...That's good, actually. Thanks."

"No prob-"

"Hey!" Chris boomed over the bus intercom, "Are you bonding? You're not supposed to be bonding! This is Total Drama, not Total Ignore-Facial-Mutilation-in-Favor-of-Friends!"

"Chris, let them bond." Tom said, obviously farther away from the mic.

"I run this shit, Tom! Don't tell me what to do!"

"Seriously, Chris, it's not that hard to keep your nose out of other people's business..." Les beeped.

"Shut the fuck up, Les, I'm the host! I do what I want!"

"Y'all are crazy."

"Fuck you, Chef!"

"...Boy, what did you just say?"

While they bickered, Lina put down her magazine and cheered.

"Done!"

She quickly got up, scurried over to Nate's seat, and sat next to him.

"...What are you doing here?" He asked.

Lina plopped his magazine in his lap.

"I know I'm not supposed to get up on a moving vehicle, but I finally finished your magazine!" She said gleefully, "It was a good read, I like your tastes!"

"Thanks, but did it really take you that long to read it?"

"...I can't read beyond a basic level. It's just not in my programming."

"Oh. That sucks, I guess."

"Still, I tried, and I enjoyed it! Why do you have your visor? Is it because you can't see without them?"

"...Well, truth is, the visor _limits_ my vision..."

Lina thought for a second, and then continued.

"Limits it?" She said, obviously confused, "Why would you do that?"

"...I got a secret." Nate whispered, "You gotta promise not to tell anyone."

"Oki-dokey~!"

Nate whispered in Lina's ear, trying his hardest to remain loud enough for her to hear, but also quiet enough so others won't. Eventually he stopped, turned around, and sighed. Lina wrapped him into a hug.

"Secret's safe with me, silly!" She cheered, "I'm the master of keeping secrets!"

"...Thanks."

* * *

"Hey, look!" Chris yelled, "It's the ocean!"

The bus had stopped and let everybody out. Chris was standing in front of the ocean like he said, and all the teens had gathered around him, kinda disgusted. Les and Tom were glaring at him.

"Yes, and?" Tiffany snarked, "You expect me to be impressed? Everywhere you go back in Newfoundland, there's ocean, I'm numb to that shit."

"Wait..." Blue said, "The ocean isn't anywhere close to Toronto... Where are we?"

"That doesn't matter, Blue!" Chris said cheerfully, "Because I'm bringing back a challenge!"

"Oh, is it the beach party one?" Soren said, "That seems cool!"

"No, shhhh, it's honestly amazing. You know, that one where you're all in the thing and you all have embarrassing trivia? It's a classic."

"...Chris?" Les beeped, "That never happened."

"No-no, I distinctly remember that happening, you forgetful piece of shit robot."

"No, seriously." Tom added, "That absolutely never happened."

"...Why the fuck you lying? Why you always lying?"

"Really, that never happened, what the fuck?" Les said.

"Whatever! Follow me!"

* * *

"Look, doesn't this seem familiar to you all?"

Chris stood on a platform in the middle of the ocean, with two sets of floating bleachers with a button in front of each seat, Grizzlies to the left and Eagles to the right, with a panicking Les and sobbing Tom by his side.

"...No?" Ace said, "It really isn't."

"Chris, are you breaking the fourth wall again?" Zipp added.

"It honestly seems more like being a general loon." Victor snarked.

"No, I actually remember this!" Chris said, "It was in one of those seasons, I forget the name..."

"Chris." Les beeped, "That never happened in Island or Action."

"Nah, it was in one of those other seasons."

Silence overtook everybody.

"There were no other seasons..." Tom whispered, "W-what are you talking about?"

"...Nevermind!" Chris stammered, "Onto the challenge!"

He gestured towards a pair of buttons on the platform in front of him.

"These buttons right here have the power to dunk your entire team into the water."

"Scary stuff." Tom shuddered.

"You wanna know why I would do that? Because, in this challenge, I'm gonna share some secrets~!"

"Aye, I didn't sign up for this malarkey!" Quyen yelled, "I have some things I'd rather keep hidden, thank ye very much!"

"Shut up, Quyen!" Chris yelled in return, "You signed up for this when you signed up for Total Drama, so lemme speak!"

He slammed his hand on a button, forcing the Grizzlies to plunge under the water. After a couple seconds, they popped back up.

"Fucking hell!" Tiffany screeched.

"What the fuck, Chris?!" Walter sputtered.

"Don't interrupt me." Chris said, "Anyways, I'm gonna pick a team, and I'm gonna read an embarrassing secret, and whoever has that secret will press a button in order to get a point. First one to 15 wins. But if they don't confess within a certain time frame, then they get dunked. Then the other team can guess. If they get it right, point. If they get it wrong, dunked."

"What's with all the dunking?" Ace said, "You're like the Oprah of dunking!"

"Quiet, Ace! ...Anyways, any questions?"

Lina raised her paw.

"Uh..." She said, "I'm not waterproof. What do I do?"

Chris tossed a plastic shopping bag to her.

"Cover yourself in this, it's all I could care to get."

Lina put as much of herself in that shopping bag as she could, which wasn't very much.

"Let's begin!" Chris yelled, as he hit an unseen button, making some snazzy music blare.

"Eagles!" He said as he pointed towards them, "One of you shat in a box once and kept it as a pet for a week until your mom threw it out! Who are you?"

"Wow, starting off strong, aren't we?!" Yahto exclaimed, "What the fuck?!"

Katana broke out into laughter, much to Retro's dismay.

"I was seven!" Retro screamed as she hammered her button, giving her team a point, "I was still watching Dora and believed Santa was real!"

"...What the fuck?" Yahto stammered, "Why would you do that?"

"I wanted to keep it as a pet..."

"Grizzlies!" Chris said, "One of you once impaled a lizard on your wall and watched it slowly die! Who was it?"

All the Grizzlies shifted in their seats.

"Okay, is anyone gonna confess?" Tiffany yelled, "I don't wanna get dunked again!"

"W-who would hurt a lizard like that?" Emile stammered, "They're loving creatures..."

"Dude, don't say that, you're making them not wanna confess! Do you wanna get wet?!"

"...N-no..."

"Ding ding!" Chris said sadistically, "Time is up!"

He pressed a button, dunking the Grizzlies into the water below.

"AAAAAAAAAAA" Tiffany screeched when she came back up, "I'LL FUCKING END ALL OF YOU"

"Eagles, care to guess?" Chris said.

The Eagles stared the Grizzlies, trying to decipher who it was.

Skippy pressed his button, staring down the Grizzlies.

"It's Mack." He said, "I've never seen someone shake that much in my life, and I've seen people right before they get shanked in the face!"

The camera panned to Mack, who was shaking more than a leaf on a windy day. He started shaking more when he realized what his treachery meant.

"You're right!" Chris said happily, "You get a point!"

"FUCK YOU, MACK" Tiffany screeched, "FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU"

"I-I got a reputation to hold up..." Mack stammered, "Come on..."

Tiffany continued screeching at Mack as the entire team dived into the ocean.

"Okay, then!" Chris said, "Eagles, which one of you has a tattoo of a ufo on your ass?"

Ushra slammed her hand down on her button violently and stood up on her chair.

"I HAVE A TATTOO OF A UFO ON MY ASS BECAUSE IT'S OUT OF THIS WORLD!" She yelled, "FUCK YEAH!"

"That's so cool!" Mack said, "Can I see it?!"

They both blushed as they realized the implications of what Mack said,

"No, nevermind! I don't wanna see it, sorry!"

"And that makes it 3-0, Grizzlies..." Chris said, "What are you doing?!"

"Our best..." Soren said.

"It's not good enough! Anyways, one of you stole a cookie from the cookie jar once..."

Silence overtook them as Chris realized what he said.

"What!? That's a shitty secret! Who-"

"It was me!" Claude sobbed as he reluctantly touched his button, "I'm sorry! I never got over it, I'm a terrible person!"

"Dude." Soren said, "It was just a cookie."

"A cookie filled with shame!"

"S-seriously?" Emile stammered, "You're n-not joking?"

"I HAVE SO MUCH GUILT"

"Well, at least the Grizzlies get a point..." Chris grumbled, "Ea-"

"Yeahhhh!" Tiffany cheered, "Point, point, point!"

"Finally!" Xerxes yelled.

"Woo-hoo." Julian whispered.

"...Anyways." Chris said, "Eagles, who's adopted?"

"Well, that took a 180 turn real quick..." Blue chucked, "Heh... I shouldn't be laughing."

A little bit of time passed, and the Eagles started to sweat.

"Please, whoever it is, admit it!" Lina cried, "My circuits were not meant for water, I'll malfunction!"

"Also, I'll get wet." Victor snarked, "It'll be the worst thing."

"I don't wanna break! I wanna continue living, please-"

"Time's up, Eagles~!" Chris said as he pressed the button to dip them into the water. Eventually, they came back up.

"Why?!" Victor yelled, "It's bad enough that I'm surrounded by these fuckwads, but underwater?! Whoever that was, I hope your parents were shitty and abusive, you fucking deserve it!"

"ERROR..." Lina droned, "ERROR..."

She started twitching and emitting sparks.

"PRESS ANY KEY TO CONTINUE. SYSTEM32 NOT FOUND. PLEASE ENSURE SYSTEM32 IS AVAILABLE. NO RESPONSE. SYSTEM ERROR. YOU LOST EVERYTHING. WAY TO GO, GENIUS."

The twitching became more erratic and violent as Lina started to drone louder.

"C:/RUN QUERY

C:/RUN BACK UP DATA

C:/RESULTS: 404 COMPUTER HAMSTERS NOT FOUND"

Lina stopped twitching as much and instead started shaking like a washing machine.

"...Shit." Nate stammered, "What are we gonna do about that?"

"Continue on." Chris said, "It's the Grizzlies' turn to guess."

"But we can't just leave her like this! We gotta fix her!"

"Ah bup bup bup! No. Grizzlies, any guesses?"

The Grizzlies thought for a moment until Ace hit her button.

"Um, I don't know..." She stammered, "Victor...?"

"What!?" He screamed, "I'm not fucking adopted! What the fuck!?"

"Victor is right, Ace. Down you go~!"

Chris pressed the button again, causing the Grizzlies to drop into the cold ocean.

"Hey!" Zipp said as he poofed next to Chris, "Don't dunk my team like that!"

"...Zipp, what are you doing out of your seat?"

"Not drowning."

"...What?"

"Whatever, dude. Please, have some tea."

Zipp poofed up some tea and started pouring it into a cup.

"Orange pekoe? Mint?"

"Uh, honey?"

"Sure, my jolly old fellow~!"

Zipp shoved the tea into his face.

"...Okay?" Chris stammered as he drunk his tea, "Thanks?"

"Oh, you're wel-"

"Chris, don't you see what he's trying to do?!" Tom yelled, "Bring the Grizzlies back up, they're gonna drown!"

Chris spat out his tea in shock and quickly slammed the button to bring the team back up to the surface.

The Grizzlies were silent as they came back up.

"Uh, aren't you gonna say anything?" Chris said, "Hello? ...No quips, Tiffany?"

Tiffany replied to that by vomiting up a bunch of water and slamming her face down on her button.

"Oh."

"Thank you for almost drowning us, Zipp!" Gala said in an overly sugary tone, "Why, I don't want you to die in a fire _at all!_ "

"I wanted to up my ranking in this game~!"

"And fuck you, Chris, you easily distracted piece of shit!"

"...Fuck you." Chris responded, "...Tell me, Gala, do you know of any teammates of yours that may of, I don't know, had a 15-hooker gangbang right in the middle of a bar? Peanut butter was involved!"

"No, why would I know-"

Quyen whooped as she pressed her button, "No shame in that! T'was the best time of me life! They were all so amazing... The titties..."

Gala stared at her friend, "...Ew."

"Don't knock sexual deviancy until ye tried it. ...Or it's illegal or something. Judge the illegal things, lass."

"Quyen, have you ever heard of a law about public indecency?"

"...What?"

"Pfft."

"Eagles!" Chris yelled, "One of you has a legit phobia of colours! Who is it?"

Nate stopped adjusting his visor when he heard that and started internally panicking. That was him.

"Haha, what?" Flam chuckled, "You gotta be kidding, right? That's stupid!"

"I wouldn't put it past you all..." Victor shuddered, "You fucking psychos."

"Hypocritical behavior leads to getting down and dirty." Deedee said.

"...What?"

Nate started to sweat as he turned to Lina fearfully. Of course, the day he would tell somebody a secret would be the day that secrets play a big role, and of course Lina would be malfunctioning.

"Say it..." Lina creaked, her voice box malfunctioning, "Say it..."

A tiny surge of guilt ran through Nate.

"Yeah, I would rather not get dunked again." Ushra said, "I lost a bunch of bandages, I'm kinda bleeding a little."

She lifted up her arm to show off a wound, which was deep. So deep, in fact, that it showed bone.

"How'd you get that?" Mack shouted from across the ocean.

"I fell off a cliff into some really jagged rocks and I got stuck on one and accidentally tore it off!"

"Oh, that sucks! I-"

"Time's up!" Chris suddenly shouted, "Down you go!"

All the Eagles screamed as they fell back down into the water.

"Isn't that a little cruel?" Tom asked.

"Well, the other season had a shark, so..."

"There was no other season, stop."

"At least this isn't illegal." Les beeped, "That would make me flip my shit."

The Eagles came back up.

"THERE IS A TERRIBLE SECRET" Lina yelled as she slumped into her chair, not able to move, "AND I KNOW IT"

Oh god. Nate stared at Lina. She was gonna say it. He couldn't say anything, lest he draw suspicion, but he also couldn't _not_ say anything, lest Lina spill the metaphorical beans. He was fucked.

"Say it!" Ace yelled, "Spare us from this hell!"

"Don't say it!" Patrick screamed, "We need to win!"

"CALCULATING" Lina droned, "C:/RUN QUERY

C:/RUN

C:/RUN

ERROR, DUMPING INFO"

Nate's heart dropped.

"TOPIC: CHROMOPHOBIA. INFO: A PHOBIA IN WHICH THE SUBJECT IS IRRATIONALLY AFRAID OF COLOUR, EVEN GOING SO FAR AS TO TRY AND AVOID IT COMPLETELY. SUBJECT: NATE. INFO: CHROMOPHOBIC. WEARS HIS VISOR TO AVOID COLOUR. HE SEES IN ONLY BLACK AND WHITE WITH IT ON."

"Pfft, okay, I'm stealing that answer." Walter scoffed, "Stupid phobia, stupidly easy point."

"And now we're tied!" Chris said, "That escalated quickly!"

"...Lina, h-how could you?" Nate whispered.

"POTATO"

"...Oh."

"Grizzlies!" Chris yelled, "One of you is trans! Confess it~!"

Emile jumped a little in surprise. In her mind, there was nothing but a blaring capaphony of swears. How did they find that out?! ...Wait.

She thought harder. Of course they knew, she had sent in her audition tape with a fucking beard and literally only started passing as cis about a week or so ago. ...Maybe she shouldn't have done that, this is Total Drama, not Total Expect-Anyone-to-Keep-Your-Worst-Secret.

Her stomach churned in disgust and fear, and she struggled to prevent tears from forming in her eyes as she slowly sunk into her seat.

This is it, her life is over. Everybody's gonna hate her and murder her because she's trans, and there's shit all she can do besides pray that nobody realizes it's her. She sighed, she deserved it, but still.

"WHAT" Tiffany screeched, "WHAT THE FUCK"

"Holy shit!" Skippy squeed from across the ocean, "Another not-cis person? I don't care who you are, we're becoming bffs later! ...Except not bffs because that's girly..."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ON A TEAM WITH A TRANNY"

"...Wow, you must be fun at parties."

"THIS IS THE FUCKING WORST"

"...Yep, very fun..."

Emile tried harder to repress the tears that were forming in her eyes and formed the best poker face she could. Wonderful, just fucking wonderful.

"Oh my god, today is just the worst." Victor groaned, "First we learn that Skippy has a dick, and now we have another one of them? Perfect."

"I DON'T HAVE A DICK"

"Wow, Grizzlies, you're mostly silent on this one." Chris said, "Are you ashamed?"

"YES" Tiffany yelled, "WHY MUST I SUFFER WITH A TRANNY"

...Oh. Emile sniffled a little as she tried harder to keep her neutral expression up.

"...Wow, okay. No regrets on this dunk." Chris said, "...Not like I ever had any regrets. Geronimo!"

Tiffany screeched as she plunged into the depths below.

"...Rude." Skippy scoffed.

Tiffany was still screaming when she came back up. Emile grinned a little at her pain.

"Did you honestly just scream the entire time?" Claude asked, "Are you okay?"

"FUCK YOU, FUCK YOUR MOTHER, I'M GONNA STAB YOUR PARENTS"

"Like, seriously, that can't be healthy." Soren added, "...You should've drowned?"

"I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, I BET YOU WEAR THAT MASK TO HIDE YOUR TRANNY FACE"

"...Wow, okay, rude." Zipp butted in, "Mask does not equal gender status, sweetie~!"

"YOU JESTER PIECE OF SHIT, YOU ALMOST MADE US DROWN EARLIER"

"I wanted to win easier..."

"FUCK YOU"

"And time's up for the Eagles!" Chris said as he pressed a button, sending the unaware Eagles to a cold and wet fate, "Way to go, Tiffany, using your unsatiable rage to distract them past the time limit!"

"I WILL FUCK YOUR DOG"

"So Retro was right 'bout ye being a furry?" Quyen said in an innocent tone.

"AAAAAAA"

The Eagles came back up.

"Eagles..." Chris said, "One of you ripped off a dude's arm once!"

Lina flopped over onto her button and let out an ear piercing screech, followed by sounds of static.

"IT..." She droned through her static, "WAS TO SAVE THEM"

"Is that how you lost your face?" Nate asked.

"Y-YES... I HAD TO SAVE THEM"

Lina started twitching.

"SAVE... THE CHILDREN."

A loud whirring noise came from her machinery.

"S...A...V...E...T...H...E...M"

Lina finally shut off.

"Nooooo!" Nate shouted.

"...Rest in peace, fellow robot..." Les sobbed.

"Yeah, I don't care." Chris said, "Grizzlies, one of you picks their nose... and eats it!"

"Ewwww!" Tiffany screeched, "That's horrible!"

"...It's times like these where I wish my homicidal urges would pay off more effectively..." Zipp sighed.

"This is the team I'm on! I'm fucking fucked!"

"Wow, gross." Idalene said.

"Hypocrite!" Walter yelled at her, "You are a hypocrite!"

"Wow, what?"

"You're covered in shit 24/7, you have no room to fucking talk!"

"Listen, I-"

Idalene was cut off by her and the rest of the Grizzlies plunging into the depths below. After a while, they came back up.

"Jeez, it wasn't even that bad of a secret." Chris groaned, "Why do you all have such bad secrets? Like, we have cookies and ass tattoos, whoop-de-fucking-doo."

"If it's that boring to you, then why don't you just stop!?" Tiffany yelled, "Fuck you and your asinine logic, you fucking philistine!"

"...Yeah, okay, Tiffany. I'll totally listen to you..."

Chris scoffed.

"Eagles, any guesses?"

"Julian!" Deedee shouted.

"No!" Julian shouted back in horror, "No no no!"

Chris turned to the Eagles and grinned a little.

"Dunking time~!"

"Fuck you, Deedee!" Victor yelled as the Eagles fell into the water.

"Ah, the shining moment's always the dunking." Chris sniffed as he wiped away a tear, "Beautiful stuff."

Deedee stared at Victor when they came back up.

"...Monkey."

"...What?"

"You're a monkey."

"Anyways, Eagles!" Chris said, "I got another secret to ask of you!"

He chuckled a little.

"Okay, this one's still stupid, but it's a funny stupid. One of you can't tie your shoes! Oh my god! That is amazing!"

Patrick slammed on his button.

"I'M MAGICAL" He yelled, "I DON'T NEED FUCKING SHOELACES!"

"Pfft, whatever, Patty..." Victor snickered, "What, next you'll be saying you can't ride a bike?"

"...OH MY FUCKING GOD, YOU CAN'T"

"...Right..."

Victor started hollering loudly.

"THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING, YOU CAN'T DO JACK SHIT"

* * *

 **Confessional:** !

 **Patrick:** I HAVE MY REASONS, DAMMIT, I AIN'T TRUST THOSE FUCKING SHOE WORMS

 **Victor:** HE AIN'T ABLE TO TIE HIS SHOES, I'M FUCKING DYING

* * *

"Grizzlies, I can't believe one of you crossdresses..."

Xerxes and Julian hit their buttons at the same time. Surprised, they both looked at eachother.

"Dude!" Xerxes said, "High five!"

"...Yes."

They exchanged a mighty high five, much to Chris's dismay.

"...I was looking for Julian, but okay..."

He turned to the Eagles.

"Hey! Who's real name is actually Rebecca?"

Retro pushed down on her button and yelled.

"Why are you targetting me like this?! My "real" name may be Rebecca Zipper, but I'm always gonna be the hella awesome Retro Zipper, dude!"

"...Mmmph." Katana said.

"...W-what?"

"Mmmph."

"MY LAST NAME IS ACTUALLY WHAT?"

"Mmmph!"

"JOHNSON!? MY NAME IS ACTUALLY REBECCA JOHNSON?!"

"Mmm-phm."

"WHY DIDN'T I KNOW THIS?!"

"Pmmph."

"KATANA, DO YOU REALIZE HOW TERRIBLE THIS IS!? THE FUCKING DICK JOKES, MAN."

"...Nrmph."

"WE HAVE A TARGET ON OUR BACKS!"

"Nrmnrm-mph."

"Oh god, I have the whitest name in history. Rebecca Johnson. I'm white trash."

"...Erm."

"...Say that again."

"Erm!"

"I'M ASIAN!?"

"Mmm-phm."

"B-BUT I THOUGHT I WAS WHITE!"

"Mmm-dmmph."

"FUCKING ASIAN, WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME THIS!"

"...Hrmph."

"...Okay, this is okay. Anything else I need to be told?"

"Prmph."

"DON'T MENTION THE SHIT, OH MY GOD!"

"...This is what Total Drama has devolved into." Chris said, "Anyways, I've been through one of your browsing histories, Grizzlies, and I wanna know why one of you wants to fuck Miss Piggy. Please stop."

"OH MY FUCKING GOD, I DON'T WANNA FUCK MISS PIGGY" Tiffany yelled as she slammed her button, "I JUST LIKE HER ATTITUDE AND I WANNA SEE PEOPLE DRAW HER"

"...Then why are you lurking on furry porn sites...?"

"I DON'T-"

"Does e621 ring a bell, Tiffany~?"

"...Oh my god."

"Why do you buy so many Bad Dragon dildos, Tiffany? Are you a furry?"

"OH MY GOD"

"I was right!" Retro cheered, "This makes everything worth it!"

"Shut the fuck up, Rebecca!"

"Fuck you, I-"

"Okay, everybody calm down." Ushra said, "We don't need to fight."

"Hey, at least I don't have a tattoo of a ufo on my ass!" Tiffany shouted.

"...Rude."

"Anyways." Chris interrupted them, "Eagles, which one of you... Wait..."

He turned to Les, "Am I reading this right?"

"...Yes."

"Oh."

Chris turned back to the Eagles, "One of you once covered yourself in cheese and-"

Deedee pressed her button.

"And went the park-"

Deedee pressed her button again.

"Climbed a tree-"

Deedee held onto her button, creating a loud and annoying buzzing noise that persisted.

"...Deedee, why the fuck did you decide to cover yourself in cheese, go to the park, and climb a tree?!"

"I wanted to be the squirrel queen."

"...Oh."

Chris sighed.

"Fuck it, I can't take this anymore. Les, take over."

Chris picked Les up and swapped spots with him. He laid on the floor and sighed, obviously broken.

"...Okay...?" Les said, "Grizzlies, one of you lost an eye behind a theatre-"

"Seriously?" Ace said as she pushed her button, "Lost an eye? That's obvious, and not even a secret!"

"...Well-"

"You want a secret? I got a secret! I play the fucking xylophone in my spare time because I'm a fucking child! There, it's a secret, and now you have it! Jesus fuck, put some effort into your goddamn challenge!"

"Oh."

Ace flipped off Les.

"...Oh. Anyways, Eagles, one of you dated a dude for a year just so you could get his Netflix password and some free dinners. Who was it?"

"No regrets!" Ushra said, "Anything for Orange is the New Black and some free fucking Taco Bell!"

"Wow, Ushra." Tiffany scoffed, "You're so fucking fake."

"...What did you call me?"

"Fake, bitch. What are you gonna do about it?"

"...Hoe, the only thing fake about me is THIS!"

Ushra ripped off her leg, now revealed to be a highly detailed prosthetic, and threw it across the water at Tiffany. It hit her square in the head, knocking her out.

"Fuck you!"

"Well." Patrick said, "I guess we're both down a member..."

"The casualties continue to rise..." Deedee whispered, "It'll only grow from here..."

"What?"

"Bowling ball."

"Oh."

"...Okay, that happened and was a thing." Les said, "Anyways, Grizzlies, one of you accidentally contributed to the death of some dude at the gym. Who was-"

Emile pushed her button and started to stammer.

"I-it was an accident! I punched one of them punching bags so hard that it flew across the room, b-broke the massive mirror that we have for some reason, and it f-fucking CUT HIM. HE BLED OUT, IT'S NOT MY FAULT."

"What the fuck." Soren said, "You punched a bag that hard?"

"I'm strong..."

"...Why are you guys so messed up?" Tom said, "Les, please make the next one not as bad?"

"Sure." Les grinned, "This person volunteers at an old ladies home during their spare time."

"Awwww!" Skippy squeed, "That's so cute, why would anyone be ashamed of that?"

"I-it warms my heart..." Yahto grinned, "Wow, that's so nice!"

"B-but..." Flam stammered, "Why aren't they buzzing in?"

The Eagles all looked at eachother in horror as they plunged into the ocean.

"Yar, a person who didn't want everybody to know that they like things... How difficult to guess..." Quyen said sarcastically.

"I know, right?!" Mack said.

"...I was being sarcastic, it's obviously Victor."

"...Oh."

"Well, you're right." Les said,

As the Eagles came back up, Quyen yelled at Victor.

"Yo, Victor! Can't believe you actually kept that a secret! Wouldn't want anyone to know that yer just a big softie!"

"Oh, so it was you, Vicky?" Blue squeed, "Dawwww, that's cute."

Victor twitched.

* * *

 **Confessional:** Lmao, idk

 **Victor:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

* * *

"I DO IT FOR THE OLD LADY PUSSY" Victor yelled.

"...You fuck old ladies?" Yahto said.

"...NO"

"Dude, that's gross." Patrick gagged, "I'll light you on fucking fire, holy shit."

"NO!"

"No, seriously, lemme just..."

Patrick snapped his fingers, lighting Victor's hair on fire.

"...AAAAAAAAAA"

"Oh shit!" Les yelled as he pressed the Eagles' button again, sending them into the water.

"...Les...?" Tom stammered.

"...H-he was on fire..."

"...Control yourself..."

The Eagles came back up, soaked and a little pissed.

"...Patrick, Victor." Yahto said in a calm voice, "Please, do us all a favor and go fuck yourselves right up the asshole with barb wire."

"HE LIT ME ON FIRE"

"...Fine, dull barb wire for you."

"Eagles, shut the fuck up." Les beeped, "Anyways, Grizzlies, one of you still sleeps with a teddy bear. His name is Mr. Muscles. ...Admittedly cute."

Emile slammed her button.

"Twice in a row?!" She stammered, "R-really? What did I do to deserve this?"

"Sign up for this show, Emile." Idalene said, "Kinda simple."

"Easy f-for you to say! You never got a secret revealed yet!"

"Shhhh! Don't say that! Fucking hell!"

"...Anyways, Mr. Muscles is f-fluffy and amazing and I h-honestly love him."

"Dawwww, cute~!" Soren squeed, "Why are you keeping that a secret?"

"...I'm seventeen."

"...Right."

"Anyways..." Les said, "Eagles, we actually kinda went through your stuff-"

"We did?!" Tom yelled, "What? I don't recall that happening, that's so immoral-"

"Shhhh. Eagles, we went through your stuff, and one of you has a giant fucking body pillow. Just... a massive body pillow and it has porn on it and I wanna die but I can't because I'm a robot. Who is it?"

Retro hit her button as hard as she could, cracking it and sending sparks everywhere.

"Why do you keep putting me out in the open like that?!" Retro screamed, "I swear, you're targeting me, I-"

"I'm not looking for you? ...You have a pornographic body pillow?"

"Retro!" Katana screeched as she tore off her hood, "What the fuck!"

"Oh my god-"

* * *

 **Confessional:** ...God save me.

 **Retro:** Richie, I'm sorry, forgive me! I have needs, you know! ...Not implying that having a vampiric goddess girlfriend isn't satisfying me, but COME ON!

 **Katana:** I SWEAR TO CHRIST, WHEN WE GET HOME, RETRO IS SO GROUNDED I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE WOULD PULL SOME SHIT LIKE THIS, I-

* * *

"Wait." Les beeped, "How did we not find it?"

"Yes, Retro." Katana added, "Pray tell, how did nobody find it...?!"

"Well..."

* * *

It was late at night, and Retro was on the floor, picking at the floorboards. When she managed to pry one up, she started to giggle at what was inside.

"Oh, wonderful~!" She chuckled.

She hauled out a massive pillow and started laughing evilly, or at least as evil as you can be when you're trying to not wake anyone up.

"My precious anime cat babe..." She whispered, "Yessss..."

* * *

"I'm legitimately freaked out." Les said.

"Retro, you know you're in big trouble, right?" Katana said as she glared at her younger sister.

"...Yes..." Retro gulped, "But who was the actual-"

Blue reluctantly pressed her button.

"Cilan is hot, sue me. I'm grown, I can do what I want and y'all can't stop me."

"Even though we wish we could..." Victor sighed.

"What?"

"Nothing, I give up."

Les sighed.

"You know what? Tom, take the podium, I wanna lie down with Chris, I'm fucking done."

"Wait, what-"

Les shoved Tom towards the podium as he floated towards Chris, who fell asleep on the floor, and rested beside him.

"...Why." Tom groaned, "Anyways, Grizzlies, one of you gets off to putting mouse poop on people's faces while they sleep. ...Uh. Wow, okay. Gross."

Everybody turned to glare at Idalene.

"...You fucking jinxed it, Emile." Idalene growled as she hit her button, "Watch your back, bitch."

"...Ew." Julian shuddered.

"Okay, listen!" Tiffany screamed as she got out her seat, "Fight me, you fetishist fuck!"

"At least I don't wanna fuck animals!"

"I don't wanna fuck animals, holy shit!"

"Please don't fight..." Tom said, "I have to take care of y'all? Please."

"Shut the fuck up!" Tiffany yelled, "I'm gonna kick her ass and you can't do shit about it!"

"I have the button, I can dunk y'all."

"...Fine."

Tom turned to the Eagles.

"One of you is afraid of Santa!"

Victor started laughing.

"Holy shit!" He said, "Why are you all so pathet-"

He was interrupted by Flam pushing his buzzer.

"First off, rude." He said, "Second off, he's a gross fat man who breaks into your house while you sleep! He's a gross pedophile! Why do you all like that! I'm Jewish, this shit confuses me so much!"

"It's fine, man." Retro said, "Honestly, he's a little creepy, I don't blame you."

"Same." Ushra added, "My family doesn't celebrate Christmas, thankfully."

"Aw, cute!" Tom squeed, "Anyways..."

She turned to the Grizzlies.

"Oh, one of you's a filthy cheater~!" She giggled, "Terrible, but also amazing. Who is it?"

Walter slammed on his button.

"...Walter, you're dating? Nevermind cheating..." Xerxes said, "That... surprises the almighty."

"Who are those unlucky chicks?" Mack giggled, "Come on, tell us!"

"I'm cheating on Clarice!" Walter sobbed, "I'm sorry!"

"...Your bike?" Gala said in a deadpan tone, "Seriously?"

"I'm cheating on her with Susan! I'm so sorry, she just has such nice wheels, I'll never do it again!"

"...Well." Tom said, "Okay?"

"...Why?" Julian whispered.

"...I should've succeeded in my murder attempt." Zipp said, "I fucking should've."

"Anyways." Tom said, "Eagles, one of you does ballet! Admittedly amazing! Who is it?"

Skippy shamefully pressed his button.

"I..." He whispered, "I do a lot of it, honestly... My instructor says I'm pretty good at it and should go professional. ...I will, actually..."

"That's honestly really cute." Nate said, "You shouldn't be ashamed!"

"Heh, thanks." Skippy blushed.

"Hey, bitch!" Victor yelled, "Doesn't your dick get in the way of your pirouettes?"

"And... poof. Happiness gone."

"Ugh, rude." Tom scoffed, "Grizzlies, one of you gave a teacher you didn't like a water bottle of your own pee. ...They didn't notice and drank it. They still didn't notice. Who is it?"

"...Wow, gross." Claude shuddered, "What an asshole! What the-"

Soren pressed his button and glared at Claude.

"Now back to this bitch who had a lot to say about me a couple seconds ago, Claude, what's good?"

"Oh."

* * *

 **Confessional:** ...Sorenicki Minaj.

 **Soren:** She made fun of my mask... Fuck Mrs. Butte, honestly. She made grade 5 hell for me.

 **Idalene:** I'm the shit girl! Why didn't I ever think of that!?

* * *

"...Soren, what the fuck?" Ace said, "That's fucking gross!"

"Listen." Soren said, "We all do bad things, it's in our nature."

"Except for Snarkie." Xerxes said, "He's pure and innocent."

"Okay, except for Snarkie."

"True." Tom added, "He's so amazing..."

She shook her head and concentrated.

"Anyways! Eagles, one of you cried when Zayn left One Direction. Who is it?"

"...Who?" Flam said.

Yahto pressed her button, obviously trying to hold back tears and failing.

"There was Niall, Harry, Louis, Liam, and Zayn!" Yahto cried, "But Zayn left and I still haven't recovered!"

"I have literally no comment to say that could potentially embarrass you." Victor said, "You already did a good job of doing it yourself."

"Fuck you, Victor! Honestly, you don't have to spend every waking moment of your life being a dick to everyone and everything you see! Why not stop to smell the roses? Fucking enjoy something for once in your life instead of tearing down others because you're too much of a stick in the mud to accept that others have their own interests and feelings and that not everybody is as much of a pretentious fuckhead as you! God fucking dammit! Stop hiding your crippling sadness behind your assholery, it's not amusing, it's not funny, and frankly, we all fucking hate you."

"One for Yahto!" Retro cheered, "You go, Yahto!"

Victor growled, causing Blue to put a hand on his shoulder.

"Vicky?" She said gently, "I don't hate you."

"Fuck you." Victor replied, slapping the hand off his shoulder.

Blue sunk down into her seat sadly.

"Hey, Grizzlies?" Tom said, "One of you knits!"

"KNITTING IS MY FUCKING **PASSION!** " Xerxes screamed as he pressed his button.

Julian was startled by this and jumped a little, but Xerxes paid no heed.

"I KNOW HOW TO DO ALL THE THINGS!" Xerxes continued to scream, "KNIT ONE, PURL TWO, MOTHERFUCKER!"

"More like shit one!" Tiffany yelled, "Uh... g-girl two! Because you're a girl!"

"...Tiff, last time I checked, I'm a dude."

"I'm making a joke, you retard."

"Oh yeah, a dumb one."

"Anyways." Tom interrupted, "One of the Eagles draws porn!"

"...Ew." Victor gagged, "Gross."

"What did I say about opinions, Vicky?!" Yahto said.

"But it's fucking gross!"

"In your opinion."

"I'm right!"

"...In your opinion."

"I'm always right!"

"In your FUCKING OPINION!"

"Oh, sorry Eagles." Tom said, "Gotta dunk y'all."

She pressed the button, sending the Eagles into the water.

"Man." She said, "I feel horrible."

When the Eagles came back up, she turned to the Grizzlies.

"Who do y'all think it is?"

Everybody thought for a moment.

"Uh..." Xerxes stammered.

Julian pulled on his sleeve, dragging him closer. When he was close enough, he whispered shyly in Xerxes' ear.

"...Huh." Xerxes said, "Okay, if you say so, Jitterbug."

Xerxes rose his voice, "Blue?"

"Right on the money!" Tom said.

Xerxes and Julian exchanged a quick high five while the Eagles fell into the water yet again, screaming the entire time. (The Eagles, not Xerxes and Julian. God, can you imagine?)

* * *

 **Confessional:** Wow, I am imagining and it's terrible.

 **Pennie:** AUTHOR CAMEO BECAUSE I'M IMAGINING THIS AND IT'S AMAZING. JUST- JUST FUCKING XERXES AND JULIAN SCREAMING WHILE HIGH FIVING AND THE EAGLES ARE FALLING INTO FUCKING WATER. I'M SCREECHING IRL. MY MOM IS VERY CONCERNED, SHE'LL SEND ME TO THE FUCKING THERAPIST AGAIN, CHRIST.

 **Blue:** Why.

* * *

"So, Grizzlies!" Tom cheered, "You're at 14! How does it feel to be one away from winning?"

"Like SHIT!" Victor screamed.

"I... I didn't ask you-"

"FUCK YOU, I'M STUCK WITH THESE SLUTS."

"Wow, rude-"

"FUCKING MS. PORN OVER THERE, LETTING US LOSE A POINT!"

"...I can do what I want, Vicky, and I deserve the slightest bit of privacy..." Blue said, "I-I'm sorry..."

"Okay, stopping this." Tom interrupted, "Victor, stop verbally harassing everybody, please. Anyways, Grizzlies, you're one away from winning!"

"Yeah!" Ace cheered, "Way to go, team!"

"I take back my murder statements!" Zipp added, "We're amazing!"

"The joy is real!" Mack squeed, "Oh man, give me a fucking Epic Dude Hug!"

Instead of going for the hug, Zipp grabbed Mack by the collar, ripped off his mask (revealing an admittedly plain face, probably way too plain...), and swiftly kissed him so hard that it made Mack's head spin.

"Oh." Tom said, "I was not expecting that. Okay."

"Yes, more yaoi..." Blue whispered as she scribbled in a notebook.

"I'm getting so much second-hand embarassment..." Tiffany yawned.

"I..." Mack coughed as he broke the kiss, "What the fuck?"

"Ayyyyy, lmao~!" Zipp said.

"Dude, what the fuck!?"

"You're cute."

"I'm straight."

"I'm not?"

"...That doesn't matter. You literally just crossed all my personal boundaries. This is sexual assault and I don't have to take this..."

"I wanted to do this since forever, and now I've finally kissed my idol~!"

"...Fuck it, I'm done."

Mack got out of his chair, walked across the floating bleachers, and jumped off the side into the water. He sunk under, but quickly came back up and started treading water.

"Are you in the water because I'm so hot?" Zipp called out.

"Fuck you."

"Oh."

"...Grizzlies." Tom said, "I-I totally understand why Chris and Les are on the ground now."

She looked over to the sleeping duo and sighed.

"Lucky..."

"Too bad they're on the ground." Walter yawned, "You're kind of a shit host."

"...What."

"It's true."

"...I don't need to listen to the dude who left our challenge halfway yesterday to have frick-frack times with a motorcycle!"

Gala perked her head up in surprise and lightly nudged Quyen, who quickly caught on to her unspoken plan.

* * *

 **Confessional:** Is that a plan? Oh, yes~!

 **Gala:** No offense to any of you, but I kinda wanna be the villain this season. Strategizing and terrorizing, but with a friendly edge parce que je ne pas mauvais. Good thing Tom just openly gave everybody a reason to get rid of Walter, that's really nice of her.

 **Quyen:** Yeah! Let's crucify Walter! Anything for a cutie like Gala, heh!

 **Walter:** Clarice gets lonely sometimes... It's not my fault...

* * *

"Anyways, one of you once burned down a Starbucks." Tom said, "Who is it?"

"Say it! Say it!" Tiffany chanted, "We only need one point!"

"So, like..." Ace said, "Was it on purpose, or...?"

"What does it matter?" Soren said, "Are you thinking that it's you?"

"No way! I'm just curious!"

"Okay, then."

"But, still!" Tiffany yelled, "Someone say it, we're SO CLOSE!"

"Running out of time~!" Tom said gleefully, "I'm so sorry, but this is kinda amusing."

"Jesus, guys, just fucking say it!"

"Well..." Soren said, "It's kinda illegal, I wouldn't blame them..."

"Emile over there fucking killed a dude and admitted to it!"

"...Huh, you do have a point. Any thoughts, Emile?"

"Well..." Emile stammered, "I-I don't know... it w-was an accident..."

"I just wanna be done so I can get out of the water." Mack said, "This was a bad idea, I'm getting tired."

"I could help you~!" Zipp said.

"I'd rather you never touch me again."

"...Oh."

"Aw man, Grizzlies!" Tom said, "Time's up!"

She pressed the button, causing the Grizzlies to fall into the water.

"Ah, so there is an upside to being in the water." Mack said, "No dunking!"

"Hey, Mack!" Ushra said, "Maybe you should swim on top of where the bleachers are so you can get back in and not get tired and drown?"

"...Yeah! Good idea, thanks!"

Mack paddled slowly to where he was before he jumped, right before the bleachers came back up and hit him hard.

"Ow, impact!" He yelled, "It comes up fast!"

"Sorry!" Ushra said, "Maybe I should've warned you..."

"And maybe the Eagles should guess?" Tom giggled, "Heh, that was a great segway!"

"Zipp!" Nate instantly said, "Just... Zipp."

"What!?" Zipp yelled, "Why!?"

"I can feel it in my bones... Also, you're crazy."

"Doesn't he also like tea?" Retro added, "Starbucks is coffee, I wouldn't put it past you to hate it, you're crazy."

Yahto burst out laughing at that statement.

"Oh my god, Retro!" She laughed, "You're being so real right now, it's insane."

"More like fake!" Zipp yelled, "This is all lies!"

"Actually, Zipp..." Tom said, "They're right, down you go!"

As the Grizzlies went down, Nate felt oddly proud.

"Yeah! I got us a point!" He grinned, "Aren't I amazing, Lina-"

He looked over at Lina, who was still deactivated.

"Oh..." Nate stammered, "You're still..."

Nate squeaked quietly and held back tears as he slowly looked away.

"Eagles!" Tom said, "One of you legitimately thought jellyfish made jelly!"

"Mmmph!" Katana yelled as she pressed her button, "Mmmph kmmph mmm!"

"Really, Kat?" Retro giggled, "You can't blame Spongebob for all your problems, you know!"

"Hmmph!"

"Language~! Ha, next you'll be saying you thought there were pineapples underwater!"

"Oh my god, you're joking, right!?"

"...Nmm."

"OH MY GOD"

"Ha!" Yahto laughed, "You're about as stupid as Patrick!"

"What?!" Patrick yelled, "I am not stupid!"

"...Not you, dingus, I meant the fucking starfish."

"...Oh."

Meanwhile, Tiffany was steaming in her seat.

"N-now we're tied..." She twitched, "Heh..."

She giggled madly, sending shivers down the spine of everybody nearby.

"...Okay." Tom said, "Grizzlies, one of you had... relations with a gargoyle."

"We're fucked~ !" Tiffany sang, "We are fucked~ !"

"Oh, are we singing now?" Ace said, "I can sing-"

"No!" Soren shouted, "I-I mean, we need to do this challenge, haha!"

"But it's not me, so it doesn't matter..."

Soren nudged Emile harshly, signaling her to help.

"Uh..." Emile said, "Yeah, but you don't wanna distract them or something, r-right?! D-don't sing..."

"Why are y'all acting so weird?" Claude said, signaling Soren slap him on the arm, causing him to shut up instantly.

"We're fucked..." Tiffany sobbed.

"That you are, Tiff!" Tom said, "Sorry, but you're going down."

"I'M YELLING TIMBER!" Xerxes yelled as he and the rest of his team fell into the water, much to literally everybody's (except for Julian's) dismay.

"This is your chance, Eagles!" Tom yelled, "Don't blow it!"

"Well, this is _definitely_ simple..." Nate yawned.

"Why would you say that?" Blue asked.

"Who in the Grizzlies is known for fucking inanimate objects?"

"Uh... Quyen?"

"He's talking about Walter, you retard." Victor hissed.

"...Don't call her that, asshole." Nate said.

"I do what I want!"

"...Motherfucker."

The Grizzlies all came back up, coughing and sputtering.

"Oh god, please tell me they didn't guess right!" Tiffany cried.

Tom grinned.

"Grizzlies, guess what?"

"Y-you're not a robot?" Tiffany stammered.

"Nate was correct about Walter and the gargoyle, and thus you lose. I would dunk y'all, but y'all have been through too much already."

"FUCK YOU, WALTER!" Tiffany screeched, "WE COULD'VE WON!"

"Aye, Walt!" Quyen added, "You admitted to the motorcycle-fucking, so why not the gargoyle-fucking?!"

"I-I have limits..." He stammered.

"Dis-fucking-graceful."

"Hey, guys." Tom said as she nudged her companions with her foot, "We're going back now."

"Fuck you, Tom..." Chris slurred.

* * *

 **Confessional:** Game over, yeah...!

 **Gala:** Okay, this works in my favor. Walter has further cemented himself as a useless bike-fucker, and that's amazing for me.

 **Nate:** Good thing we won, I need all the time I can get for... Lina. Oh god, I'm so sorry...

 **Retro:** Yeah, we fucking won! I didn't sacrifice my dignity for nothing! ...Don't you dare call me Rebecca, Richie, I swear.

* * *

Nate sat in his seat on the bus ride back to the film lot. Lina was still inactive, leaning her head on his shoulder. Everybody was exhausted, so the atmosphere was surprisingly quiet, considering who was on the bus. Gently, he grabbed Lina's hand in his own and gave it a quick squeeze.

"Don't worry." He said softly, "I'll fix you."

A feeling of dread overcame him as he started thinking about the magnitude of Lina's situation. He wiped away the tears that managed to stealthily form and run down his face.

"...I hope."

* * *

"Hmmm..."

Quyen was sitting behind the girl's trailer, waiting for Gala. They had just gotten back, and she said to meet her here.

She leaned against the trailer and sighed, thinking about this alliance thing. Honestly, she never really planned to be in an alliance, it just... happened. The thought of being in cahoots with a cutie, a cahootie if you will, was just too tempting to let it pass her by.

"Hey, loser, what are you doing here?"

Quyen looked up to see Tiffany towering above her with a frown on her face and a bag full of peanuts in her grasp.

"It be none of your business."

"M'kay."

She grabbed a fistful of peanuts and shoved it in her mouth, devouring it.

"Hey." She said, "You want some?"

"Nah, I'm allergic to nuts." Quyen giggled at her statement, "In more ways than one~!"

"Oh, same!" Tiffany said excitedly.

Silence hang over them as Tiffany realized what she agreed to.

"...I mean I'm allergic to peanuts! I-I love dick! Dick is my life! Oh boy, do I love them guys and their floppy dongs, heheh...! I'm totally straight and I want a dude inside me! ...GOODBYE, LOSER."

Tiffany ran off, almost running over Gala, who was walking in.

"Uh...?" She said, "What's up with-"

"Long story short, we're both gay, but she's in denial and accidentally outed herself via peanut allergy puns."

"Oh... Anyways, I got our plan ready!"

"What is it?"

"We convince others to vote off Walter!"

"...Weren't we already planning to do that...?"

"Ah bup bup bup! I got a **_list!_** "

She pulled a notebook out of her cleavage and gave it to her.

"Oh." Quyen said, "It be in your boobs..."

"I'll convince Emile, Soren and Claude to vote with us, and you'll convince Tiffany and Ace! I get more, but they're all connected, so I dunno who has it worse!"

"What about Mack? He seems like he would agree-"

"Zipp literally made out with him against his will, I'm guessing he'll try to vote him out."

"Then why aren't we-"

"Zipp has no limits, we might need him for a challenge or two. Besides, I feel like the stalking will continue and we'll always have a way to vote him out. Maybe Walter will suddenly stop sucking, and then what will we do?"

"...Right. See ya!"

Quyen walked off, leaving Gala to chuckle a little as she wandered off to attend to her part of the plan.

* * *

"M-my face itches..."

Emile was lying down in the grass with Soren and Claude near the cliff. She had been crying, as evidenced by the tears that ran down her face.

"And i-it's not even really in my face... It's in the l-little cracks and crevices of where bits of my face used to be. The b-bits that are gone itch and I can't scratch it because it's gone. D-does that make any sense?"

"Yes, it does." Claude said, "But it'll get better, promise."

"How can it get better? My hands are also itchy and c-cracky and peeling everywhere and it's torture."

"Trust us." Soren said, "We're here for you, and we'll do our best to help you, promise. There's no guarantee in anything, hell, it could get worse, but we'll try and that is what counts."

"Oh, I-"

"Hey, guys!"

Gala walked up the hill, obviously tired and still trying to keep up her cool persona in spite of it.

"I..." She panted, "I've been looking _all over_ for you! I wanna talk strategy!"

She slouched over, obviously pooped.

"O-oh mon dieu..."

"What kinda strats?" Soren cheered, "Tell us all of them!"

"Well, me _a bunch_ of other people are going to vote for Walter. We already got a great bit, so he's as good as gone, but I'm kind of a perfectionist and would like that guaranteed, ha!" She bluffed, "Can you join us?"

"I-I was gonna vote for Tiffany, but sure..." Emile stammered.

"...Why?"

"Uh-"

A siren went off in Emile's head as she started internally panicking.

 _'It's not because of what's in your pants!'_ She thought, _'It's not because of what's in youR PANTS OH GOD'_

"Because I can!" She blurted out.

"O-okay..." Gala stammered, "So Walter's as good as gone, right?"

"Why do you want him gone, though?" Soren asked.

"He did nothing yesterday, duh? Didn't you hear what Tom said? Besides, he fucked us over today."

"Oh, okay! We'll wreck him! Right, Claude?"

"Yeah!" Claude shouted, "Down with Walt!"

"Glad to hear!" Gala said, "See ya!"

She walked down the hill, obviously overjoyed.

"...I still kinda want Tiffany g-gone." Emile stammered.

"We'll discuss it later." Soren said, "For now, relaxation."

* * *

Quyen burst into the girl's trailer.

"Tiffany, Ace!" She shouted, "I need y'all for something!"

She scanned the room to see the two girls, sitting on their own beds, Retro and Yahto, who were in Retro's bed and doing Yahto's hair, and Katana, who was underneath Retro and Yahto.

"Hey, Quyen!" Retro said as she fiddled with Yahto's hair, letting it fall down from her usual mohawk, "Whatcha doing?"

"I need something from me teammates, sorry." Quyen replied, "Anyways..."

She walked closer to her teammates and sat next to Tiffany.

"Listen, we have a plan."

"A plan?" Ace replied, "What kind?"

"The kind to eliminate Walter!"

"The bike-fucker?" Retro said from afar, "...Sorry for butting in, I can't help but overhear."

"Don't mess around with my hair while you're talking, Ret!" Yahto said, "You're pulling on it!"

"Sorry."

"Why would we do that?" Tiffany sneered, "I don't need to take shit from you."

"Okay, Peanuts." Quyen chuckled, "We have a bunch of people who are voting for him because he did shit all yesterday and fucked us over today."

"Don't call me that! You're the one who brought up the nuts! I'd rather vote off the tranny if we can find out who they are!"

"You honestly don't wanna, do you? I think you're just hiding your blatant homosexuality behind a hateful facade."

"I..."

"W-what are you guys talking about?" Ace asked.

"N-nothing!" Tiffany stammered, "Heh, we're voting for Walter? Good! Good!"

"...Fine?" Ace said, "I got no other plans."

"Yes!" Quyen cheered as she left the trailer, "Thank you!"

Yahto rose an eyebrow at that entire scene, "...Are you actually planning to get rid of Walter?"

Tiffany and Ace shrugged.

* * *

Xerxes was relaxing in the lot's gazebo with Julian. They were leaning against the railing and looking at the sunset.

"Nice sunset, eh, Jitterbug?" Xerxes said, "Almost as beautiful as me~!"

"...Yes."

"Guys! I need your help!"

Mack ran up to them and started panting.

"I... I need you guys to get rid of Zipp."

"Ah-ha!" Xerxes chuckled, "So the almighty is your first choice! But why?"

"He made out with me against my will today, you saw that, but he won't stop stalking me and I'm afraid."

He turned around to see Zipp in some bushes, who waved.

"Please!" Mack cried, "I can't handle this!"

"Sure!" Xerxes said, "We'll help you! Right, Julian?"

"...Yes." Julian replied.

"We'll help you get rid of him, and we'll protect you in the meantime."

Xerxes gave Mack a hug.

"You're safe, we promise. ...At least until we conquer the world."

* * *

 **Confessional:** World domination is all I want, can I join?

 **Xerxes:** Kidding, kidding! Of course Mack will be safe when we conquer the world! It'll be me, Julian, him, and of course Cory! ...Cory would kill me if he wasn't involved, heh.

* * *

"Wow, Grizzlies." Chris said, "You don goofed up."

He was standing at his podium, looking at the bored teens in the bleachers.

"Can we hurry up?" Tiffany complained, "I'm fucking sick of this shit."

"...Fuck you. Today's episode was shitty because Tom is a bad host, I deserve this."

"Hey!" Tom yelled, "Not my fault you fell asleep!"

"It was boring! Y'all have terrible secrets!"

"...Eugh."

"Anyways, I'll hurry it up by just saying all the people who didn't get any votes all at once so it's not as tedious, okay?"

* * *

 **Confessional:** Voting~!

 **Quyen:** Down with Walter for the cutie! Yes!

 **Emile:** ...I know everybody's voting for Walter, but I'm going for T-Tiffany. ...She makes me feel uncomfortable.

 **Xerxes:** I'll protect my loyal follower Mack with all of my might and my votes!

 **Idalene:** Zipp almost killed us, so...

 **Walter:** Fuck Tiffany, honestly! I have limits, okay?!

* * *

"Okay." Chris said, "Xerxes, Julian, Idalene, Emile, Gala, Soren, Ace, Claude, Quyen, Mack, you're all safe."

He threw a bunch of Gilded Chris statues at them, causing a torrent of metal and pain to rain upon them. They all yelled in fear as they got pelted.

"Walter, Tiffany, Zipp, you're all in trouble~!"

"What!" Tiffany yelled, "This is fucking stupid, I-"

"Don't worry, Tiff." Chris said as he tossed her a statue, "You're good."

"Yeah!" She exclaimed, "Suck my ass!"

"Walter, Zipp, you're both terrible people..."

"Hey!" They both exclaimed.

"It's true." Ace giggled.

"Thus one of you is gone. That person is Walter. GET THE FUCK OFF OUR LOT!"

"What, no!" Walter yelled, "What the fuck did I do?!"

"Nothing, which is exactly why you're going." Gala yawned, "Au revoir!"

"...Can I at least ride Clarice instead of going in the Lame-o-sine?"

"If you mean it non-sexually, then yes." Chris said, "I don't give a fuck."

"Yeah!"

Walter ran off into the distance to retrieve his motorcycle. After a while, he rode down the road. He was pissed, sure, but still happy to be on his motorcycle.

"Rest in fucking pieces!" Tiffany shouted, "Woo!"

* * *

"Okay..."

Nate wiped away tears as he operated on Lina's machinery. He had opened her chest and was picking at the wires and gears, trying to fix the water damage.

"Why are you doing this?" Victor asked from his bed, "She's annoying anyways, let her die."

"Dick move, Victor." Flam growled, "You're annoying, so why aren't you dead?"

"Because unlike her, I'm smart and I'm cutting through the bullshit that you guys spew!"

"Shut the fuck up!" Nate yelled, "I'm trying to concentrate! One wrong move, and she may never reactivate, okay!?"

He went back to picking at the machinery, fiddling with the wires. He wiped away some of the moisture with his sleeve and prayed Lina was made out of metal that wouldn't rust.

"Okay." He said, "Time to force a reboot."

He pressed a button inside Lina, but nothing happened.

"...Lina?"

Again, he pressed it. He pressed that button over and over again until his finger went numb and continued after that.

Nate flopped onto his back and started to cry. He failed, he really did. Lina was long gone, and he could do nothing to save her. Maybe if he was better, he'd be able to fix her, but he isn't.

"Recalculating..."

Nate jumped up in surprise when he heard Lina speak. One would've said that he was imagining it, but Lina slowly sat up and grabbed her head, proving that theory wrong.

"Ughhhh." She droned, her voice box stuck in a deep tone, "What happened?"

She looked down at her open chest and jumped in horror.

"W-why is my chest open? ...What happened to my voice?!"

"Oh, your voice box must still be broken..." Nate cringed, "Sorry, I'll fix it, promise."

"What happened?!"

"You got dunked in water a couple times, and you malfunctioned. You-"

"You gave the other team a free point by saying that Nate's afraid of colours!" Victor yelled, "Fuck you!"

"...I did?"

"It's okay." Nate cooed, "Let me fix your voice box, it shouldn't be much trouble."

He went back to work, drying off the voice box and recalibrating the wires. Occasionally, he would ask Lina to say something in order to judge how close he was to being done.

"And... done!" He said as he closed her chest, "How are you feeling?"

"Guilty." Lina said in her regular sugary sweet tone, "But also happy..."

She tackled Nate to the floor and hugged him hard.

"Thank you!" She said, "If not for you, I wouldn't be here right now! I lo-"

The door opened, and the guys on the Grizzlies team walked in.

"And so I was like-" Soren said, "Uh... Hey, Nate, why are you fucking Lina?"

"I'm not!" Nate blushed, "What, am I not allowed to hug my friends?!"

"Hey, Nate?" Lina whispered, "What does he mean?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it."

* * *

Mack walked into the girl's trailer.

"Listen, I need some help." He said, "Can I stay here for the night?"

"...Why?" Quyen asked.

"Is it because of Zipp?" Ushra said.

"Bingo."

"Ah, I'm not opposed to you staying here."

"Well, Skippy's over in the boy's trailer, so we got a free space." Quyen added.

She looked over to Tiffany, who looked depressed.

"...Isn't this usually the part where you say something mean?"

"Huh?" Tiffany said, "I... Wow, damn trannies, am I right? ...I'm sorry, I don't feel well."

She turned over in her bed.

"We'll protect you, Mack." Ushra said, "Okay?"

"Thank you!" Mack cheered as he plopped onto Skippy's bed, "I promise I'll try not to be annoying."

"Don't worry, you won't. I'll make sure not a single hair on your cute little head gets hurt."

* * *

Tom and Chef were standing, obviously miffed.

"Ugh." Tom sighed, "Chris and Les are lazy, so now we're here."

"Fucking bullshit." Chef growled, "I hate this."

"I mean, it's not like they did anything today!"

"You mean, besides bitch and moan?"

"Yeah, haha!" Tom started playing with her scarf as she spoke, "Anyways, will Quyen and Gala rock the game?"

"Will Jester-boy stop harassing Orange Soda?"

"Why is Tiffany so depressed?"

"Is it possible for Visor Beam to stick his dick in a robot lion?"

"Find out next time on Total Drama Action Replay!"


	5. King of the Hill

It was late at night. Like most nights, it was calm, relaxing, and barely anyone was stirring! I mean, obviously, why would anyone be stirring? Who would be making coffee at, like, 3 am? Of course, not everybody was asleep.

"Hey, Ushra."

Ushra tried to ignore the poking and prodding she felt on her face as she slowly fell back asleep.

"Hey, Ushra, hey!"

Oh god, she was being shook. She opened up one eye reluctantly to see Mack bothering her. It's too early for this.

"I can see you looking at me, space princess, come on!"

"What?" Ushra grunted, coming off as far more hostile than she intended.

"C-can I sleep with you?"

Ushra jumped a little in surprise, a blush covering her face.

"What?"

Mack realized what he said and stammered.

"Uh, not in a pervy way, I s-swear! I just had kind of a bad dream and-"

"...Say no more. Get in."

Ushra moved in, giving her companion some room to squeeze in. The bed was obviously designed for one person, but they were both so tired that they didn't care. Ushra yawned and closed her eyes, trying her best to ignore the fact that she was squished between a wall and a Mack place.

"...So." Ushra said, "What kinda dream?"

"Zipp."

"Ah."

Silence overtook the duo as Ushra slowly drifted into slumber.

"...Hey, Ushra?"

"Yeah?"

"Y-you're warm."

"...Thanks."

* * *

"It's 4 am." Tom yawned, "W-why are we out here?"

"Apparently something happened." Chef growled, "And it would look prettier for that scene to match the intro."

"And Chris is too lazy to leave his bed?"

"Bingo."

"Ugh."

Tom wiped her hair, the moisture in the air causing it to get a little damp. It was dark, but also soothing. Everything was wet with dew, sure, but it was relaxing. Or, at least, it would be if it wasn't 4 am and everybody was pissed and tired.

"Last time on Total Drama..." Tom said unenthusiastically, "We learned a lot about our contestants. We, uh..."

Tom yawned and dozed off, leaning on Chef's chest. He grunted, and picked her up in his arms.

"...It's too early." Chef mumbled, "Nine chance out of ten, you already watched last episode, so I have no fucking clue why we have to do this."

Tom started snoring, prompting Chef to pet her head.

"Fuck it, we're not doing this."

* * *

"Nate."

"...What...?"

"Nate!"

"What?!"

"Wake up!"

Nate groaned as he opened his eyes.

"What... what time is it?"

"5 am!"

"Ughhh."

Nate rolled over to see Lina, who was towering over him and grinning, at least as much as she could without a mouth.

"I was bored." She beeped.

"Don't you need to recharge or something?"

Lina gestured to the _extremely_ long power cord that sprawled across the floor all over the cabin and was also plugged into her back.

"I am, silly!"

"I mean, don't you have a sleep mode?"

"Yep! But it's short, I can't stay still too long or I'll malfunction."

"...Okay."

"Can you guys stop?" Flam mumbled groggily, "It's too early."

"Sorry."

* * *

 **BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!**

Chris yawned as he woke up in his deluxe bed. He looked around his trailer, his walls covered in various posters of himself, his nightstand covered in tiny photos of himself and hairgel.

He turned off his alarm clock and checked the time. 7 am. Alright.

Chris picked up a microphone that was attached to his nightstand and tapped it. Challenge time.

* * *

"Wake the fuck up!" Chris yelled through the intercom, "We got a fucking challenge, get over to the craft services tent!"

Victor jumped from his sleep, hitting his head.

"Ow!" He hissed, "What the fuck?!"

"Ah~!" Soren yawned as he rose from his slumber, "Good morning!"

"Pfft, who are you?" Xerxes chuckled groggily, "Uncle Grandpa?"

"No..." Soren said as he turned away and changed masks, "But I can be Puppycat! That's close enough, right?"

The mask he changed into was white with brown eyebrows and two brown ears sticking from the top.

Soren then attempted to imitate Puppycat's robotic mumbling, but ended up sounding stupid.

"Nice mask, bro." Skippy chuckled.

"...Why am I stuck here?" Victor sighed.

"Because Bee and Puppycat is awesome!" Flam cheered.

"...Goddammit."

* * *

"Get up and go, guys!"

Retro was cheering in the middle of the room, much to everyone's dismay. She chuckled and started dancing.

"We got a challenge~ !" She sung, "We got a challenge~ ! Break it down, Kat!"

"Mmmph~ !" Katana mumbled, "Mmmph-hmmph~ !"

From atop her bed, Tiffany sighed.

"Why?"

* * *

"Okay, so this challenge is a little more... physical." Chris chuckled.

Everybody was standing outside of the craft services tent.

"...What do you mean by that?" Blue asked.

"A race!"

"It'll be fun!" Les beeped.

"I doubt it." Victor snarked.

"Well, you are right, Victor!" Chris said, "This will not be fun! You all will run to the top of that hill..."

He pointed towards the cliff that towered over the entire lot.

"And you'll retrieve a little flag and bring it back to us!"

"...Why flags?" Yahto asked.

"I like flags!"

"Oh."

"Don't bother taking shortcuts or stealing flags, because we'll know and your team will instantly lose~!" Les said.

"How will this be judged?" Claude asked.

"Average places." Chris said, "The better your team as a whole do, the more chance you have of winning. Any more questions?"

Nobody said anything.

"Okay..." Chris said, "GO!"

The teens all ran off towards the hill.

"Too bad Tom's not here to see this." Les said, "She'd probably be bitching about this, heh."

* * *

Emile, Soren, and Claude were jogging together at a relatively brisk pace.

"So..." Claude said, "Nice new mask, Soren."

"Ah, thanks!" Soren blushed, "I love Bee and Puppycat! I've been itching for more episodes!"

"I-it's cute..." Emile said, "L-like you."

"Awww! Thank you!"

"Yo, Emile!"

Tiffany dashed up to them and suddenly jumped on Emile's back, almost causing her to tumble over.

"Run, bitch, run!"

"W-what?!"

"We're teaming up, I'm way too awesome to run by myself! C'mon, faster!"

She hauled Emile by the ears, forcing her to go faster.

"Ouch!" Emile cried, "S-sorry, guys, I gotta go!"

They dashed ahead, leaving Soren and Claude in their dust.

"Well." Claude said, "That happened."

* * *

"Mmmph!" Katana yelled at her sister, "Hmmph-mmmph!"

Katana was running at the fastest pace she could handle, which was fast, but Retro was lagging behind, forcing her to stop every couple of minutes.

"I'm... eugh... sorry." Retro panted, "Why can't you just... _oh lord_... carry me?"

Katana sighed and stopped, letting Retro catch up to her. When she caught up, she threw her onto her back and started running.

"Hey, guys!" Flam said as he caught up, "How are y'all doing?"

"Terrible." Retro panted, "I'm pooped."

"I say! You've been working hard, Ret!"

Katana groaned in annoyance.

* * *

Idalene was the first one to reach the bottom of the hill.

"Yeah-ha!" She cheered, "Leg muscles, baby! I'm going ununoctium-free for some speed!"

She sweated a little as she looked up the hill. It was big and menacing, but she was gonna conquer it. Idalene sped up the hill, leaving a trail of dust behind her.

* * *

Mack and Ushra were jogging silently next to eachother.

"Um..." Mack blushed, "Thank you for letting me sleep in your bed."

"No problem!" Ushra replied, "...You know, if you wanna sleep with me again, but under some _different circumstances_ , you could just always ask~!"

Mack let out a tiny embarrassed squeak and coughed.

"...So, uh..." He said, obviously flustered but still trying to maintain his cool, "I'll be in your bed and i-in you?"

"Yeah, sure!" Ushra chirped, "...I-I mean, if you don't mind!"

Ushra covered her face in embarrassment and sighed.

"I sound stupid, don't I?"

"No, not at all! Why would you think that?"

"I'm... not good with talking sex stuff." Ushra stammered, "I'm... _inexperienced._ "

"Oh. _...Oh!_ No, it's fine! You're perfectly fine, honestly."

Mack blushed heavily and started scratching at his head.

"Uh... or m-maybe it's because I'm distracted by y-your cuteness?"

Silence hung over them as Ushra giggled a little.

"We're terrible flirts." She said.

"...We kinda are."

"Can we just skip the flirting part and get right down to it later?"

"...Yes!"

Ushra went to kiss Mack on the cheek, but she was interrupted by Zipp suddenly teleporting between the duo, causing Ushra to accidentally kiss Zipp's cheek.

"Oh, warming up to me, are you, Ushra?" Zipp said, "Wonderful~!"

Seeing Zipp caused Mack to panic. He ran faster, taking big strides into the distance, leaving Zipp and Ushra behind.

"Good." Zipp said as he floated closer to Ushra, "Listen, if I see you hitting on him again, they will never find your fucking body. Do you hear me?"

"...Fine." Ushra said, "But why are you here? Can't you just teleport, get the flag, and give it to Chris?"

"...Oh my god, I can."

Zipp suddenly teleported away, leaving Ushra to grumble as she sped up to catch up with Mack.

* * *

"Dude, did you see that?" Xerxes panted as he ran, "Man, I wish my powers were developed like that..."

He and Julian were only a little bit behind the fiasco that just happened and witnessed it from a distance.

"Like, I'm kinda jealous..." Xerxes stammered, "Zipp can teleport and shit like that, and he doesn't even care? I got fire, sure, but hot damn do I want me some teleportation. ...Is that weird?"

"No."

"...Whatever. It doesn't matter because I'm ultra powerful and basically a god! One weakness won't hurt me, haha!"

He looked over to see Patrick slowly passing him, but not without tons of pain and panting.

"Oh god!" Patrick shouted, "I fucking hate running!"

"Then why don't you just teleport or something?" Xerxes asked, "Zipp did it, and he's probably gonna get first if he doesn't fuck up."

"Can't, I'm more of an offensive elemental guy."

"Ah, same."

* * *

Blue and Victor were taking up the rear. While Blue was legitimately trying to go fast, Victor was just plain walking slowly with no effort.

"Aw man, Vicky..." Blue panted, "We're in last..."

"I couldn't care less, dumbass." Victor yawned, "How about you make an actual effort to get further and leave me alone?"

"I can't, Vicky! I'm really outta shape... I'm like a Snorlax! Hang on, I'll show you its card..."

Blue rummaged through her pocket for a Pokemon card. It flew out of her hand and landed a couple feet ahead of her.

"Oh no!" She said, "Hang on, I'll get it!"

Victor stopped to watch Blue as she went over to get her stupid card. He scoffed. What a retard. She eventually reached the card and bent over to pick it up. Victor tried to not look, but her ass was kinda noticeable and... kinda hot? Victor went from looking to staring as Blue struggled to pick up the card, leaving her... _assets_ in Victor's view for longer. He wiped away some of the drool that had been forming in his mouth and dripping down his face, and he tried to stop staring, but he couldn't. Eventually, Blue finally picked up her card and got up, removing her ass from Victor's gaze. Victor barfed a little in his mouth as he realized what he just did.

* * *

 **Confessional:** Oh.

 **Victor:** ...Oh god, the retard has a nice ass. This is not fair! The rest of her is fucking ugly, so why is her ass so good!?

 **Blue:** Snorlax is a good Pokemon~!

* * *

Idalene dashed up the hill at top speed with no regard for her health, just winning. Eventually, she finally climbed up to the peak and looked around for the flags.

"Hmm..."

She walked up towards a box full of little red flags and chuckled a little.

"I did it, I'm first-"

Idalene was interrupted by Zipp suddenly teleporting in front of her. She jumped backwards in shock and lost her footing, sending her tumbling down the hill.

"Oh shit!" She yelled as she fell.

"...Well." Zipp said, "That happened and was a thing. Good thing I'm not picky about my methods of winning~!"

He grabbed one of the flags and teleported away.

* * *

Quyen ran as fast as she could, which was pretty fast. She turned around and ran backwards to yell.

"Hey, Gala!" She yelled, "Hurry up!"

Gala was a long ways behind, and was struggling to breathe.

"Oh mon dieu!" She panted, "Slow down!"

"I can't, we gotta go!"

Quyen started trekking up the hill, much to Gala's dismay.

"Not the hill!" She cried, "I don't want this!"

Quyen stopped walking to turn around and glare at her partner. With a sigh, she ran back and grabbed Gala.

"What are you-"

Quyen swiftly picked Gala up, and carried her bridal-style with ease. She restarted running up the hill, but of course slower because of her cargo.

"Oh..." Gala blushed, "Okay..."

* * *

 **Confessional:** ;3c

 **Gala:** I... She's strong a-and cute. ...Fuck.

 **Quyen:** Aye, she be like a twig: easy and simple to carry. Besides, mate, I'd regret not taking the opportunity to carry a cutie and make her blush, yar~!

* * *

Gala squirmed a little in Quyen's arms.

"I'm..." She whispered, "I'm not too heavy, am I?"

"Nah, lass!" Quyen chuckled, "You're too tiny and cute, honestly."

"Oh."

Gala blushed and brushed away the sweat that was forming on her forehead.

"...So you said you were gay, right?" Gala said, "Heh, j-just checking!"

"Aye, lass." Quyen rose an eyebrow, "What, ye want a piece of me?"

"N-no! I just wanted to talk about girls, you know? ...I don't talk to people often about them, that would be nice, uh, t-to do that..."

"And you're...?"

"Bi."

"Aye."

Quyen walked a little more before speaking again.

"So what kinda girls are your favourite?"

"I like really strong girls, you know? Big and buff and muscley! Rough and rumble! Cute, but not too good with fashion, I gotta shine brighter! Really nice and sweet and caring! Preferably of colour, they seem to have all given up their souls to Satan for beauty, you know? Probably some scars~! ...Yeah, my expectations are too high, right?"

"...That's basically me."

"I-"

Gala was cut off by Idalene careening down the hill, colliding with Quyen and knocking not only the wind out of everybody involved, but also Quyen and Gala over, sending them tumbling down the hill.

"Why!?"

* * *

Chris sipped his smoothie as he relaxed in the sun on a lounging chair. He adjusted his sunglasses and sighed.

"Ahhh, summer!" He said, "A perfect time to relax without any teens!"

"Same." Les beeped as he laid on his chair.

"It's so relaxing! No screaming bags of hormones within earshot! It's so-"

Zipp suddenly poofed in front of Chris, instantly getting first place and stopping his little ramble dead in its tracks.

"What." Chris said, "D-did we forget to ban any and all poofing?"

"...Yes." Les beeped.

"Goddamn supernatural kids, with their weird powers and fucking...!"

Chris trailed off as Zipp gave him a cup of piping hot tea.

"Sorry to interrupt your relaxing time!" Zipp chuckled, "But here's some tea to calm down~!"

"Oh, okay?" Chris said as he sipped his tea.

His face contorted into an expression of disgust.

"Ugh, what is this?" Chris groaned, "Lemon? Honey?"

"Roofies." Zipp grinned.

"...What."

Chris suddenly fell to the ground, unconscious. Les jumped in surprise.

"Zipp!" He yelled, "What the fuck are you doing?!"

"Winning." Zipp whispered.

Zipp teleported away, leaving Les to stare awkwardly at Chris's body. He nudged the body uncomfortably.

"Oh no, Harry..."

* * *

Tiffany struggled to stay on as Emile thrashed while running, shaking her off.

"Emile, stop!" She yelled, "What the fuck?!"

"G-get off!" Emile yelled back.

In desperation, Tiffany grabbed at Emile's face, roughly grabbing the burnt side. Emile let out a loud squeak of pain, and fell over, sending them both to the ground. They both tumbled for a bit, leaving Tiffany sitting on top of Emile.

"Augh, what the fuck, Emile?!" Tiffany yelled.

"Ow..." Emile whimpered as she rubbed her face, "D-don't touch my face..."

Tears started rolling down her face as she let out a loud grunt of discomfort.

"Why did you j-jump on me anyways? I'm not worth it..."

"Because you're big and strong, duh..." Tiffany said, "Besides, I'm too good for running."

"Oh..."

"...You need a break, faggot? We can stop for a couple minutes."

"T-thank you..."

* * *

Meanwhile, Zipp teleported into a nearby cave. He chuckled as he floated deeper, looking for something.

A familiar bear groaned, rubbing his jaw with his paw. Fucking teenagers, trespassing on his territory and punching him in the face.

"Hey, Mr. Bear?"

The bear growled as he turned to stare at the jester.

"You're gonna help me, whether you like it or not."

Snarling, the bear charged at Zipp full speed with the intention of crushing him in his jaws. He lunged, but suddenly stopped when Zipp snapped his fingers, dropping instantly to the ground.

"Oh, terrible." Zipp said as he floated towards the bear, "You think you have a choice?"

He gently tapped the bear's forehead, purple sparks flying from the touch.

"Go fuck 'em up."

* * *

Yahto ran as fast as she could, which wasn't as fast as one might expect. She panted, she was not built for running, honestly. Sure, she could do it, and pretty quickly, but only for short periods at a time.

She squinted to make out the people in front of her: Katana, Flam, and Retro. Grinning, she let out a massive burst of energy to catch up.

"Hey, teamies!" Yahto yelled as she caught up, instantly regretting what she said. Teamies? Uncool.

"Yahto!" Retro said, "How are ya doing?"

"Yes, Yahto." Flam said disinterestedly, "How exactly are you doing?"

"Pretty great, I'm not even tired!" Yahto lied, "Hey, Ret, you wanna ditch them and roll with me?"

"Oh, do I!" Retro squeed, "Kat, ready for dismount!"

Katana begrudgingly got closer to Yahto, both of them borderline touching eachother. They synchronized their running, and Retro quickly jumped from Katana onto Yahto's back.

"Haha, yeah!" Yahto grinned as she ran ahead, "Let's go!"

"See you guys!" Retro said as they zoomed ahead into the distance.

When they were gone, Flam sighed.

"Am I the only one who doesn't like her?"

"Mmmph."

* * *

"You ready yet?"

Emile slowly sat up and wiped away her tears.

"Y-yes..."

Tiffany grinned as Emile got up and brushed herself off.

"I-I'm sorry..." She whimpered, "I just don't like h-having my personal space invaded like that..."

She flinched as Tiffany let out a loud groan.

"Whatever." She grunted, "You need to grow a backbone."

"...I'm sorry."

"Don't fucking apologize! You're a massive buff goddess of muscle and fitness, and you're wasting it!"

"...S-sorry."

"Ugh."

The sound of rustling in the bushes nearby caught their attention. They both sweated as they heard loud footsteps.

"Okay..." Tiffany stammered, "Maybe we should go-"

She let out a tiny squeak of horror as a massive grizzly bear climbed out of the bush, growling loudly. His eyes glowed a faint purple, and he wiped his jaw menacingly.

"You?!" Tiffany and Emile both yelled in unison.

Tiffany stepped back in fear as the bear slowly crawled towards them, but Emile held her ground.

"Oh, back for more, are ya?" She said, "I thought that getting your jaw punched in would've been enough."

The bear snarled and bared his fangs as he lunged towards Emile, but she quickly jumped to the side, avoiding it. She grinned as the bear fell to the ground, skidding towards Tiffany.

Tiffany stammered in fright as the bear stood back up, now in front of her. Sweat dripped down her face as tears started forming in her eyes. She backed up slowly, unable to tear her eyes away from the massive hulking beast in front of her.

"N-nice bear..." She whimpered, "Don't h-hurt me, bear."

She squeaked as she backed into a tree. Trapped. Covering her eyes in horror when the bear showed off his massive claws, she waited for the bear to tear her to shreds. When the pain never came, she reluctantly opened her eyes.

"Don't fucking touch her!"

Emile grunted as she strangled the bear from behind, having jumped on his back. She put one arm completely around the bear's neck, putting him in a chokehold, and punched the bear's face with her free one repeatedly, knocking out teeth.

The bear groaned in agony as he batted Emile with his paw right in the face, making her a bit dazed. Emile opted to let go and drop back onto the ground instead of staying and falling eventually.

"How does it feel to be completely outmatched, you shitstain?" Emile sneered, "Goddamn, for a bear, you're pretty weak."

With a snarl, the bear turned around and bared his fangs. Unexpectedly, Emile grabbed the bear by the torso and violently picked him up, throwing him suddenly into a suplex. The bear groaned as blood spewed from his mouth, struggling to get up.

"Well? You ready to give up?"

Crying, the bear ran off towards the distance, leaving Emile to grin. She ran over to Tiffany and picked her up into a sudden hug, causing the smaller girl to blush.

"Y-you okay?" Emile stammered, tears forming in her eyes, "You a-almost died. I was so scared."

"Uhhh..."

Tiffany blushed even harder, averting her gaze.

"Y-yeah. Let's go, we wasted enough time already."

Emile wiped away her tears and put Tiffany on her back, running off towards the hill.

* * *

 **Confessional:** What a beary terrible thing, am I right?

 **Tiffany:** I'm straight, okay? Absolutely no fucking feelings for anyone, especially that fucking dork! ...That huge, muscley, strong, selfless and absolutely beautiful dork... Wait, what?

 **Zipp:** Well, apparently murder isn't as easy as I thought...

 **Emile:** I did what I felt was right! ...W-was that okay?

* * *

Idalene groaned, her entire body aching. She rolled over, getting off of Gala, who ended up under her. Blinking to see better, she realized that Quyen was already up.

"S-sorry." Idalene coughed, "I tripped."

"I can tell." Quyen growled.

"Uh..."

She slowly got up on her feet and shook the dirt off of her, quickly dashing uphill.

"Sorry, gotta go!"

Quyen sighed a loud sigh and picked her partner back up. She made her way back up the hill at a steady pace, absentmindedly playing with Gala's hair while she did so.

"You okay?" Quyen whispered tenderly.

"What the fuck was that fucking bullshit motherfucking shit girl fucking _barrelling_ down the goddamn hill fucking shish-kebabby-bab...!" Gala slurred.

"...Nevermind, just relax..."

* * *

Idalene sped up the hill, determined to not fall back down this time. She rapidly approached the flag box, and grabbed one of the flags.

"Success!" She yelled, jumping in the air.

She did a tiny celebration dance and started running back down the hill, obviously pleased.

* * *

Ushra grumbled as she jogged lightly. Mack was just too fast for her, and she resigned to being alone. She picked at her cast, staring at it as she ripped tiny pieces of fabric off. How long was this thing on her?

She grunted and hit it. Maybe it's supposed to be off by now? Not like she can test it at the moment, but still.

A loud poofing sound beside her made her groan.

"What do you want, Zipp?"

Zipp grinned as he floated alongside Ushra.

"Oh, nothing." He chuckled, "I just wanted to warn you."

"...About what?"

"The bear. Don't fuck with me, darling."

Zipp teleported away suddenly, leaving Ushra to sweat.

"Wait, what-"

The bear from before suddenly made its presence known as he charged towards Ushra with a roar. He grabbed her in his mouth and ran off.

"Hey!" Ushra yelled as she struggled, "At least take me to the hill! Fucking _rude!_ "

* * *

"And so I was like 'No, the pizza shouldn't be square! It's the Circle of Life, not the Square of Life!'"

Lina and Nate giggled as they ran, rapidly approaching the hill. Lina's tail wagged gently as she ran, her machinery squeaking. She bumped Nate lightly, causing them both to giggle again.

"Pfft, you're amazing, Lina." Nate laughed, "Tell me, what's it like to be a mascot for a popular restaurant?"

"Oh, it's amazing!" Lina squeed, "All the children love me so much! I get so many hugs!"

"Is it hard?"

"Definitely! Heck, I'm still missing my face, that speaks volumes! But I wouldn't give up being loved by so many kids for the world!"

They slowed down as the came up to the hill, still laughing.

"Well, guess we're gonna have to climb it." Nate said, "Race ya!"

Nate dashed off, leaving Lina to blink in realization.

"No fair, you dweeb!" She laughed as she chased after him, "You're a worse cheater than Mango!"

* * *

"Yet again, you're hanging around me, huh?"

Ace shrugged as Deedee tagged behind her, running silently.

"You're not gonna kill another celebrity, are you?"

Deedee suddenly grabbed Ace's hand. Ace let out a yelp as she was dragged into the bushes nearby, falling on her face. She slowly got up and crouched down, peering out of the brush.

"What the hell?!" She grumbled, "Why did you-"

"Shhhhh..." Deedee whispered, pointing towards the path they were on, "Hairy danger!"

Ace sweated as she saw a bear running past them with Ushra in his jaw.

"Woah, shit!" She gasped, "We could've been chow!"

She got up, and brushed herself off. Helping her partner up with her hand, they continued running down the path.

"So... how did you know to go in the bushes?" Ace asked.

"I know everything." Deedee replied.

"Hmm..."

* * *

 **Confessional:** Again, beary terrible.

 **Ace:** I think there might be more to Deedee than there seems... I'm gonna get to the bottom of it!

 **Deedee:** Bear hug!

* * *

Skippy winced as he laid on the ground. He had started out pretty well, running really far ahead, but had tripped and fell. His ankle wasn't sprained or anything, but he kinda wished it was. God, he was acting pathetic. All he had were a couple of bruises, nothing too bad, which made the fact that he had been laying there for minutes on end pretty terrible.

Maybe he was just depressed? Skippy was a hardened veteran, seeing much combat in his little town. His gang was all he really had.

He grunted as he got up. What would his friends think? Skippy started limping forward at a slow pace. He could give a punch, but always felt so much guilt afterwards, and he always hated that. There were so many times that his friends would depend on him to beat someone up, and he happily obliged, but after it was all over, he would cry.

Why'd he bother hurting people in the first place? He limped forward faster, as if he was attempting to run away from his own guilt. Was he trying to protect his friends, or was he just a bad person obsessed with finding a reason to hurt people?

Skippy winced as he remembered what happened only two days prior. The latter. He permanently scarred her because of the latter. Does the guilt excuse him? Is he less of a bad person because he feels remorse?

He started walking normally to go faster, despite the burning pain in his legs. The whole protecting friends thing was bullshit, they would be better off not fighting and he was helping them achieve their goal.

All his friends are honestly either dead and dying, that's an inevitable fact, and he somehow managed to not be lumped in that group of suffering. He should be happy...

Skippy grinned, his smile hiding his inner turmoil. He had to stop. He has an opportunity to become somebody, whether it be through winning Total Drama or finally achieving his goal of doing professional ballet, chances they never had, and he's wasting it.

He ran faster, ignoring everything around him and focusing on one thing and one thing only: winning. Skippy tuned out all of his intrusive thoughts and dashed forward, thoughtlessly speeding towards his goal.

* * *

Mack panted as he ran. He slowed down as the pain in his chest increased, causing him to cough heavily.

"Oh, double painshake extreme..." He coughed, "I'm not meant for this kinda effort..."

He groaned loudly as he stopped, bending over in agony. Tears started forming in his eyes as he gagged, trying desperately to hold down the bile.

With a shudder, he vomited, the sour-tasting liquid burning at his throat as it ran out of his mouth and all over the ground. He coughed and sputtered, tears running down his face. When he was done, he groaned and wiped his mouth.

"Fucking gross..." He whined.

He walked away, leaving the puddle of vomit behind. When he was gone, Zipp suddenly teleported in with a jar.

"Oh my!" He said, "A souvenir! How nice of Mack to give me this!"

Zipp scooped up the vomit in his jar and took a large whiff of it, giggling at the scent. He closed the jar and hugged it tightly.

"Yay~!"

* * *

Blue giggled as she skipped along, Victor's groaning as he followed doing nothing to stop her.

"We may be in last, but we don't care!" She sang, "We're almost there~ !"

"Blue, we're in fucking last because you have no class." Victor half-assedly sung back in a sarcastic tone.

"Oh! That was an amazing rhyme! Teach me!"

"Ugh, listen dumbass, I-"

Victor stopped as he saw Ushra barrelling towards them. Well, okay, as you know, it wasn't just Ushra; she was accompanied by a bear, one that managed to snap her up in his jaws and was carrying her bloodied body as he ran.

"Oh, look, a bear!" Blue cheered, "Hiya, Mr Bear!"

She ran towards the bear, tackling it to the ground with a hug. The bear tried to struggle, but Blue was too heavy. In desperation, the bear opened up his jaw, letting out Ushra in the process, and tried to tear Blue to pieces with his massive fangs, but he couldn't reach.

"Ugh..." Ushra groaned as she fell to the ground, blood pouring out of her wounds, "Thanks, Blue."

"For what?" Blue chirped.

"Nevermind."

Blue giggled as she unknowingly crushed the bear's bones, causing it to cry. After a while, she let the bear out of the hug, but he was in too much pain to move.

"I ran out of bandages." Ushra said as she slowly got up, "Do any of you have any, or...?"

"Bleed to death, bitch." Victor yawned as he resumed walking towards the hill.

"Wow, rude." Ushra grunted as she followed him, a trail of blood running behind her.

"Hey, wait for me!" Blue yelled as she ran after them.

"Groah..." The bear grunted as he wept on the ground.

* * *

Zipp watched this scene unfold from the bushes, giggling.

"Well, I guess that's enough suffering for her... for now." He cheered, "Time for more sabotage!"

He teleported away.

* * *

 **Confessional:** Time to get cheatsy~!

 **Zipp:** Everybody is on my hit list! ...Everybody... But, y'know, Ushra's top priority because she's a rotten husband stealer...

 **Ushra:** Wow, Blue basically saved my life with hugs... That's pretty sweet! Still wish I had more bandages...

 **Victor:** I wanna die.

* * *

"You know you really don't have to carry me, right?"

Quyen stopped by the flag box, finally reaching the top of the hill. She quickly eyed the girl she was carrying.

"Yeah, but it be easier this way." She grinned, "Besides, you're not causing any trouble, yar."

"But I don't wanna be a burden..."

"Nah, yer not a burden, lass."

"...Fine." Gala sighed, "Can you at least hurry up? I'm afraid of heights."

"Didn't you come up here to get some people to eliminate Walter?" Quyen asked as she grabbed two flags.

"Yes. I almost shat myself."

Quyen started walking down the hill, giving Gala a quick tender squeeze.

"That's real brave of you, lass." She said, "I'm proud."

* * *

Nate ran to beat Lina up the hill. Almost there. He panted, feeling like he might cough up his lungs.

He blinked as he watched Idalene pass by him, who waved. With a grin, he waved back. After a little while, Quyen and Gala jogged by, grinning. Nate smiled, he was doing great!

A grin crept across his face as he approached the flag box, grabbing two; one for him and one for Lina. He leaned against the box, waiting for Lina to come. She was kinda slow, being a massive robot will do that to you. Nate yawned, a quick break would do some good.

Zipp suddenly teleported in front of him, causing him to jump a little.

"Hey, Nate!" Zipp cheered, "How are you?"

"Doing well, I guess..." Nate grumbled, "What are you doing?"

"Being a magnificent bastard."

"...What?"

Nate cringed as Zipp gently tapped him on the head, a purple glow emitting from the contact. He tried to move, but his entire body was completely frozen.

"Listen, Nate." Zipp said as he grabbed his shoulders, bringing them both uncomfortably close together, "You see that cliff over there?"

Completely against his own will, Nate suddenly turned around to see the massive drop down at the end of the hill. It was so high that he could barely see the ground at the bottom. He started sweating at the sight of it.

"I want you to shove Lina off the cliff, you hear me? Well, of course you hear me, I'm right next to you and you're completely devoid of free will right now, haha~!"

"Hey, Nate!" Lina yelled, obviously in the distance, "I'm coming, hang on!"

"You hear her?" Zipp chuckled, "Don't let me down, prettyboy. Well, actually, you have no choice so... whatever. Enjoy!"

Zipp teleported away, leaving Nate to fume. His rage turned into fear as Lina ran up to him, oblivious to what was about to go down.

"Nate!" She cheered, "Wowie, you went fast! I got stuck a couple times, so I wasn't able to go as fast as you!"

"Good for you, Lina!" Nate felt his body say without his permission, "Say, why don't we check out that cliff over there? We got time, and the view is amazing!"

 _"Please say no, please say no, please say no."_ Nate internally ranted, _"Don't trust me, don't trust me, don't trust me, holy shit."_

"Sure!" Lina said as she grabbed Nate's hand, her paw still feeling soft against his hand despite the numbness in all his limbs, "We could probably see everything from here!"

Nate felt like crying as Lina dragged him over to the edge of the cliff, a single step away from plummeting to the ground below. Lina let out a tiny squeak of joy as she stared off into the distance.

"I can see the trailers from here!" She yelled, "Wowzers!"

A shudder went down Nate's spine as he felt himself take two steps back, positioning himself behind the lion. His arms unwillingly went up, readying himself for the act.

"Yep, isn't it beautiful?" Nate felt himself say, "I'm so glad to be here with you right now, honestly."

 _"Turn around and stop me."_ He felt like yelling, _"Please stop me."_

"You know, too bad this moment has to end..."

"What do you mean?" Lina turned around, a look of confusion plastered across her face, "...Why are you crying?"

Tears ran down Nate's face. He didn't know whether it was his own action or not, but it didn't matter. A manic grin somehow managed to crawl across his face despite his tears.

"I'm sorry." He said in a brief moment of control.

Lina let out a yelp as Nate violently shoved her, sending her off the cliff. She cried out as she fell, her screaming becoming softer and softer as she rapidly left Nate's view. He cringed when he heard the impact, a metallic-sounding thud.

"Good job."

He felt a tap on his head, a tingly feeling rushing through his body as he felt himself able to move his joints again. Scratching at his face in guilt, he violently sobbed.

"Well, aren't you gonna see if she's okay?" Zipp said, slowly floating around Nate, "Or have you just accepted the fact that you probably permanently shut her down?"

"Shut up." Nate growled, "It wasn't me, it was you!"

"If you say so..." Zipp yawned, "Toodles!"

Zipp teleported away, leaving Nate to cry. He roughly wiped away his tears and squeezed at the flags in his hands as he ran down the hill, hoping and praying that Lina was okay.

* * *

"Chris, are you okay?"

Les shook Chris's unconscious body.

"Come on, it's been forever..."

"Holy fuck, I made it!"

Idalene ran towards the duo, sweat dripping down her face. She handed Les the flag.

"Take it, I'm 110% done with this bullshit, ha! ...Why's Chris on the ground?"

"Zipp poisoned him..." Les beeped, "I can't even check the cameras to see where he is because I'm afraid Chris'll start choking on his own vomit or something."

"So..." Idalene stammered, "It's essentially a ruleless free-for-all out there?"

"Yes." Les whimpered, "I feel like shit, I'm failing miserably at my one job."

"You are, and that's good!"

"...Right, forgot you have some sort of... fetish."

"...I'm a _scatologist_ , not a fetishist."

"Whatever."

* * *

Skippy grunted as he approached the hill, looking up at it. Fuck, he didn't wanna do this.

He sweated as he saw Nate running down the hill, sobbing violently.

"You okay?" Skippy asked.

"No." Nate sniffed, "I fucked up, I'm sorry."

Nate ran off, circling around the hill instead of going back to the finish line. Skippy watched on, confused. He eventually shrugged and trekked up the hill.

* * *

Soren and Claude were having a lovely chat as they jogged merrily along.

"So you wanna be a pilot, hmm?" Soren asked.

Claude grinned a little, "Yeah, like my mom! She's an amazing pilot and I adore her!"

"Ha, cool! My biggest dream is to just roll through life and party, y'know? You've got your life all planned out..."

"Pfft, there's nothing wrong about that dream, it's pretty sweet. I like parties because I get to hang out with friends! ...Also eat food."

"What's your fav-"

"Cake!" Claude shouted, "Oh my god, I love cake! I would **FUCK** a piece of cake, I'm not joking!"

"Oh..."

"...I got a really bad fetish for sweets, I'm sorry you had to hear that."

"Nah, that's fine, dude."

"It's why I'm so fat." Claude chuckled, "Oh, I need to go on a diet..."

"No, bro!" Soren said, "You have such a cute body, you don't need to change!"

Soren patted Claude's belly, causing him to blush a little.

"More to enjoy, am I right?"

"Heh..." Claude stammered, "Thanks, bro."

* * *

Xerxes continued to run, Julian and Patrick at his side. He rose an eyebrow at Patrick.

"So, why are you still here?"

"Because you're my rival now, duh." Patrick scoffed, "Also, fuck running even faster."

"True." Julian panted.

"Rival?" Xerxes blushed, "Oh! I always wanted a rival, it's a true testament to your strength!"

He started skipping, causing Patrick to sweat.

"Right." He replied, "Strength is everything, you know..."

"Oh, how I know!" Xerxes said, "My father was always like 'Xerxes! You better become the strongest demon prince this world has ever known or you're no son of mine!' I don't think I ever met his expectations, heh..."

"...So, daddy issues, huh? Or was it just really tough love?"

"Daddy issues. I don't think he ever said one nice thing to me, honestly. Constantly forced me to get better, but I never met his expectations."

"Oh."

"But, you know, that doesn't matter because I'm the almighty and awesome, right...?"

"You are." Julian said, "Truly."

"I know I shouldn't be butting in your personal life like this..." Patrick said, "But was it just your dad, or...?"

"My mom left us when I was around seven, maybe eight."

"Oh. ...Why?"

"Couldn't take it anymore, I think there was some kinda abusive situation behind closed doors that I didn't know about." Xerxes shrugged, "I haven't seen her since, so I can't really find out why exactly."

"You remember anything about her?"

"What is this, 'Ask Xerxes About His Past Day'?"

"Dude, sorry, I'm just curious."

"...Fine. She was really sweet and nice. Way too good for us, honestly. Made me feel like I was worth something."

Xerxes wiped away a tear.

"Whoops, I got dirt in my eye, heh." He stammered, "I forget her name, but she was a beautiful woman, really breathtaking. Big and lovable, and her presence made you feel safe. Made my earlier years actually worth something."

More tears started flowing freely down his face.

"Sometimes I wonder why she left me behind. Am I not good enough? Is everything my father said right? Did she low-key think I was a failure too, and everything nice she ever said about me a lie?"

"...Xerxes?" Julian stammered.

"Where the fuck is she? She left me with an abusive father without an explanation! She ran away from her problems and left me behind! Literally abandoned me!"

"Okay, calm down." Patrick said as he put a hand on Xerxes' shoulder, "You're not a failure, dude. You literally beat me up the first day, if you're a failure, then what does that make me?"

"...An ultra failure?"

"Wow, harsh. No, what I'm saying is that you're not a failure, you are a tough little cookie and you need to stop pretending otherwise. Did you move out?"

"I forced my way into Cory's house, yeah."

"Cory is your...?"

"Boyfriend."

"What!" Julian shouted, "Boyfriend?!"

"Oh, Cory..." Xerxes swooned, "What a sweet guy..."

"Boyfriend?!" Julian shouted at a louder volume.

"So smart..."

"Boyfriend?!"

"...The best dom..."

"BOYFRIEND?!"

* * *

 **Confessional:** Ultra failure! God fucking damn!

 **Patrick:** Wow, I'm sorry for causing that... painful spiel. Poor Xerxes, man.

 **Xerxes:** I feel like trash 90% of the time, heh...

 **Julian:** What the fuck? He has a boyfriend? Here I am, getting all hot and bothered over this tall, dark, and handsome dude, and he has a boyfriend?! ...Wow. Whatever, at least I know not to pursue him, that would be rude.

* * *

"Something terrible is probably happening..." Les sang nervously as he fanned Chris's body, "And I can't stop it..."

"We made it!" Gala yelled as Quyen carried her towards the goal, "We did it!"

"Well, I did it, technically." Quyen chuckled, "But ye be good company, so I ain't complaining."

"Wow, the Grizzlies are destroying everybody right now..." Les said as he grabbed the flags, "Wonder why..."

"Go, Grizzlies, go!" Idalene cheered.

* * *

Nate searched around for Lina, his vision blurred with tears.

"Lina?"

Lina twitched at the sound of her name, sparks emitting from her shattered limbs. Metal was strewn across the ground around her. She tried to move, but was basically a head with a broken body, so it didn't work out well. Her voice box unintentionally let out a loud screech.

Hearing her voice, Nate ran to her and cringed at Lina's broken body, her limbs broken off and her entire torso shattered. His fault.

He bent down next to her and assessed the damage, trying futilely to put her back together. It was no use, he was gonna need to bring her back to the cabin and weld her parts back on or something.

"I'm sorry." He managed to choke out through his tears, "I could've killed you, I'm sorry."

Lina's machinery creaked and groaned as Nate hugged her tightly, burying his head into her furry chest. She felt a sudden rush of sadness as she felt Nate sob violently, shaking her entire body.

"...Why?" She groaned, "Why did you do this?"

"I didn't mean to..." Nate muttered, "I swear, it was Zipp."

Nate continued to loudly sob into Lina's chest.

* * *

Skippy grinned as he rapidly approached the top of the hill, the box of flags bringing a sense of joy though him. He swiftly grabbed a flag and turned around, looking down the hill. He saw Yahto and Retro at the bottom of the hill and waved. When they didn't wave back, he realized just how far away he was.

"...Right." He chuckled, "Guess I'll say hi to them on the way down."

He ran down the hill towards his teammates with a grin.

* * *

"Come on, let's go!" Tiffany cheered.

Emile panted as she ran, sweat dripping down her face as she rapidly approached the hill. A subtle smile crawled across her face as she finally made it, but it quickly faded as she realized she would have to go up.

"Oh no..." She whimpered.

"You can do it, Emile!" Tiffany shouted, "Don't fuck up!"

Emile grabbed tightly onto the girl on her back, and dashed up the hill as quickly as she could.

* * *

Ace chuckled as her and Deedee made it to the bottom of the hill. She looked up in awe.

"Real fucking big, am I right?" She said, "Come on, let's go."

"No..." Deedee said, "Something's wrong."

She looked over towards the bushes with a look of concern plastered across her face.

"I have to go." She said as she walked away.

"Deedee, no! What about the challenge?!"

Ace sweated as Deedee ducked into the bushes. With a shrug, she reluctantly started walking up the hill.

* * *

"So what's it like being a ninja?" Flam asked.

Katana let out a series of mumbles, making Flam sweat in realization.

"Wait, stop. I don't know what you're saying, can you repeat that, sans the hood?"

With a sigh, Katana took off her hood, revealing her cut-up face to the world.

"I was saying that I'm not professionally trained." She said, "Self-taught all the way."

"Ah, cool! Can you teach me?"

"One cannot just simply learn how to be a ninja, Flam!"

"But you just-"

"No buts! Anyways, we're approaching the hill at a rapid pace, see?"

She gestured towards the hill in front of them.

"Ugh, I hate hills..." Flam whined, "Can you carry me instead?"

"Sure." Katana winked, "Hop o- OH MY GOD"

Katana cried out in agony as Flam jumped onto her, his pudgy body proving to be way heavier than what Retro usually was.

"Yeah!" Flam cheered, "Let's go!"

Katana loudly groaned as she shakily went up the hill, tears welling in her eyes.

"Yeah, let's go..."

* * *

"Aw man, you're so cool, Yahto!" Retro squeed as she ran her hand through Yahto's mohawk playfully, "I wish I could be like you!"

"Pfft, you don't actually think that, do ya?" Yahto grinned, "Come on, your sister is a _wayyyy_ better role model than me."

"True, but she's so lame sometimes!"

Retro perked up, an idea going through her head.

"I know, I can be like both of you!" She cheered.

"Nah, Ret." Yahto said, "You gotta be yourself, dude. Roll with the punches, go with the flow. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

"Yo, guys!" Skippy yelled as he passed them and gave Yahto a quick high five.

"Hey, Skips!" Yahto yelled back.

"Hi, Skippy!" Retro grinned.

"Anyways..." Yahto continued, "Don't change for anyone, Retro. You're a special little cupcake just the way you are, okay? Absolutely nobody can decide who you are or what your identity is except for you."

"Pfft, that sounds so cheesy!"

"What can I say? I like being a dork sometimes."

* * *

Julian twitched a little as he walked. Boyfriend? Cory was Xerxes's _boyfriend?_ Why didn't anyone tell him that?

He sighed, tuning out Patrick and Xerxes's loud conversation, something about being newfound rivals or something. Casually twirling his knife around, he looked ahead to see that they were almost at the hill. God, they were slow.

"Jitterbug?"

Julian blushed as Xerxes grabbed his hand, looking very concerned.

"You okay, dude?" Xerxes asked.

"Uh..."

Julian's sweat ran down his face, and his hands were damp. If he didn't literally just learn that Xerxes was dating, then he'd probably be wondering if he was hitting on him.

A sudden flash of horror ran through Julian. Maybe he was. Oh no, he was a homewrecker, ruining a perfectly good relationship-

"Friends look out for friends, y'know?"

Oh. Wishful thinking. What a relief.

"Fine." Julian grinned.

* * *

Ushra let out a pitiful whine as she limped slowly, her blood leaving a faint trail behind her as it dripped out of her massive wounds.

"Shut the fuck up, Ushra." Victor groaned, "It's bad enough I have to suffer with the retard, but I don't need your whining."

"Fuck you, Victor." Ushra growled, "I could've died."

"Pfft, too bad you didn't..."

"Who's the retard?" Blue asked.

"You." Victor grunted.

"Oh! You're joking! I get it!"

"Blue, I-"

"Hey, Skippy!" Ushra suddenly yelled.

Ushra waved at Skippy, who was far ahead of them. He jumped in surprise and ran quickly towards the group, quickly skidding to a halt in front of them.

"...Dude, Ushra." He said, "What the fuck happened?"

"Bear attack."

"Holy fuck."

Skippy frowned and scratched at the back of his head.

"Well, see ya, I guess. Y'all should hurry up, honestly."

"Will do!" Blue chirped.

"Don't tell me what to do, Skippy." Victor growled.

"Uh... I mean..." Blue stammered, "Yeah, Skippy! Don't tell us what to do!"

Ushra and Skippy exchanged a quick glance of shared confusion. With a shrug, Skippy ran off again.

* * *

Emile panted heavily as she ran up the hill, every step she took feeling like hell on her admittedly small legs. God, she shouldn't have skipped leg day so many times.

"So..." Tiffany said, absentmindedly playing with the fabric on Emile's jacket, "How's your time here been so far?"

"Oh..." Emile replied, "You d-don't care, honestly. It's been uninteresting."

"True." Tiffany yawned, "I'm just fucking bored, and it's kinda your fault."

"S-sorry..."

Silence slowly crept up on the two of them as Emile ran, sweating heavily in the process. Tiffany yawned again, which made Emile groan in exasperation.

"So..." Tiffany said, "How do you feel about that tranny on our team?"

Emile jumped in surprise and involuntarily let out a tiny squeak.

"Yeah, I know." Tiffany yawned, "Horrible, right? Some part of me thinks it's Soren, and that's why he's always covering his face. Fucking disgusting."

Sweat dripped down Emile's face, her fear and rage causing every bit of her very being to fume and shake. She thanked every god she knew that Tiffany was on her back, and thus couldn't see the tears that were forming in her eyes.

"Uh..." She stammered, "M-maybe not?"

"Pfft, what, Emile?" Tiffany said, "Is it because you're friends? Sometimes you gotta accept that people aren't always what you think they are."

"Y-yeah, but you d-don't have to demonize him like that..."

"Fine, who's your guess, Emile? Which of our teammates is a disgusting tranny?"

 _"Oh god."_ Emile thought, _"What do I say?!"_

She scratched at the burnt side of her face, picking off some of the dead skin. It hurt, but she felt oddly... attracted to it. The pain calmed her down a bit.

"Well, you done thinking?" Tiffany yawned, "Come on, make one educated guess, I'm legitimately interested."

"Uh..."

Emile stopped scratching at her face when she felt tears hit her hand. Oh no, she's crying. She wiped them away, but each time she wiped, more tears had already ran down her face.

"I... I don't know."

Tiffany rose an eyebrow, "You don't know?"

"Um... I don't."

"Suspicious."

"It's not!"

Tiffany scoffed, "Yeah, okay. Whatever. Run faster, faggot."

* * *

Skippy yawned as he laid on the ground. He had made it past the finish line and was barely awake.

"Man, I can't believe my team is sucking so much." He said, "I'm the first one here, seriously?"

"Them's the breaks, mon cheri." Gala said as she filed her nails, "So sorry~!"

"Grizzlies! Grizzlies!" Quyen chanted, "We fucking rule!"

* * *

Nate grunted as he dragged Lina along slowly, her heavy body proving too much for him. The sound of metal hitting the ground made him stop and turn around. He sighed as he saw that the pile of parts on top of Lina had toppled over again and was scattered again.

Lina let out a loud groan of agony as Nate piled her broken parts on top of her chest and started dragging her again.

"Nate?" She groaned, "Will you be able to fix me?"

"...Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"I can't promise anything, Lina."

"But you fixed me when I was waterlogged!"

"Listen, Lina. I was absolutely sure you were gone when that happened. It's a miracle that you're still here, and I feel like my luck is gonna run out."

"...But..."

Nate turned around, tears flowing down his face heavily.

"I'm sorry, okay? I lost control and broke you. And you know what? It fucking hurts. I'm sorry. Please don't rub it in that I'm a failure."

"Nate..."

Lina twitched suddenly, and furrowed her brow in frustration.

"I forgive you. I don't know exactly what happened, but I forgive you. You're dragging me all the way to the end despite how heavy I am, and if that isn't friendship, then I don't know what is. Nate, I love you to death, don't be so harsh on yourself."

Nate gently smiled, wiping away his tears.

"Y-you really mean that?"

"I'm a robot designed for fun, and all I wanna do is see you smile. I love to see you smiling, it suits you really well."

"Ah... thanks!"

"Stay happy." Lina chirped, "I love you."

"I will, I- Wait, what?"

Nate sweated as he saw Deedee run towards him in the distance. He stopped as she reached him, panting.

"...Deedee, what the hell?"

"Wanted to help!" Deedee panted.

"How did you find us?" Lina said, "...A-are you stalking us?"

"Yes." Deedee said as she grabbed Lina's upper body, "Nate, lift. Count three."

Nate grabbed Lina's lower body and grunted.

"One, two, three."

They both lifted Lina up and starting walking off with her, going at a much faster pace than before.

"Thank you!" Lina chirped.

* * *

"Aw man, we did it!"

Retro grinned wildly as Yahto carried her to the top of the hill. She bounced excitedly, causing Yahto to cringe in pain.

"Pfft, more like I did it, Retro." Yahto chuckled as she grabbed two flags out of the box, "You didn't do shit!"

"Wow, okay." Retro said as she stuck her tongue out, "Rude~!"

"Go, go, go!"

They both turned around to see that Emile and Tiffany had finally made it up the hill. Emile stopped and panted as they reached the top.

"No, don't stop!" Tiffany yelled, "We gotta get the flag and get down and go all the way back!"

With a loud groan, Emile grabbed two flags and started walking down the hill.

"Dude, go faster!" Tiffany screamed.

"I can't!" Emile grunted, "I'm pooped, I'm s-sorry!"

Emile let out a tiny sound of pain as Tiffany started to beat at the back of her head in a temper tantrum. She lifted her arm to stop Tiffany's assault, but it backfired, causing Tiffany to accidentally wallop her right in her burnt face. With a cry, Emile tripped, causing them both to tumble down the hill.

"Ha!" Yahto laughed, "They just fucking fell!"

"Pfft, are they okay?" Retro giggled, "Man, let's go."

They both laughed as they ran down the hill together.

* * *

"So, how'd your face end up like that?"

Katana froze in horror as Flam spoke. She turned around to look the boy on her back straight in the eye.

"...W-what did you say?"

Flam rose an eyebrow in confusion.

"Your face, how'd it get all mutilated?"

Sweat dripped down Katana's face as she quickly turned away and started walking again. Tears started forming in her eyes, but she desperately tried to repress them.

"...Kat?" Flam said in a concerned tone, "You okay?"

"I don't wanna talk about it." Katana said quickly, "Just stop."

She jumped a little in surprise as she felt Flam caress her face from behind.

"Don't cry, it's okay." He said, "You don't have to talk about it right now if you don't wanna."

Katana whimpered as Flam wiped away her tears with his sleeve.

"You're a strong and beautiful woman, Kat, and seeing you cry makes me feel awful. You don't have to talk to me about it right now, but you shouldn't bottle any emotions you have lingering inside you. Talk to someone about it eventually, anyone."

"T-thanks..." Katana blushed, "You're a good friend, Flam. You know that, right?"

"I try." Flam grinned, "I know I'm annoying and insensitive sometimes, but I try. Anyways, almost there!"

Flam pointing towards the top of the hill, and in that exact moment, Emile and Tiffany came into view as they rolled down the hill in a screaming pile of flailing body parts. Katana and Flam both stood awkwardly as they passed them, trying to understand the situation.

"M'kay." Flam said, "That was a thing."

* * *

Claude and Soren stood, looking up at the hill in front of them.

"Time to go up the hill, eh, Soren?" Claude chuckled.

"Yep!" Soren cheered, "Nothing in this world could go wrong right now-"

Suddenly, Emile and Tiffany tumbled onto the ground in front of them, leaving them both shocked.

"...Claude?" Soren said.

"Wow, we should go, heh!" Claude said as he walked up the hill, "Look, everything is perfectly normal, wow!"

"Uh..."

Soren nudged the girls with his foot as Claude walked off.

"Hey, wait for me!" He yelled as he ran after Claude.

After a while, Emile groaned and groggily got up. She looked down.

"Tiff, you okay?"

She picked her up and shook her. Unconscious.

"Ugh..."

Emile ran off with Tiffany in her arms.

* * *

Ace scratched at her head as she walked up the hill. Why'd Deedee run off like that? Is something happening that she's not aware of?

She yawned as she approached the flag box, grabbing a flag. Nice. With a quick smirk, she turned around to run back down the hill, making sure not to fall.

* * *

Mack ran as fast as he could, a look of disgust plastered across his face.

"God, I still taste the vomit..." He groaned, "Fucking ew!"

He rose an eyebrow and squinted as he saw Xerxes, Julian, and Patrick at the foot of the hill in the distance, completely stopped. Rapidly approaching, he heard them speak.

"Took us a while to get here!" Patrick yelled, "But I will race you guys up the hill!"

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Xerxes sneered.

"I am the superb and mighty Patrick! You are insufficient!"

"Bitch, I'm the fucking almighty, shut the fuck up!"

"Boasting..." Julian whined, "Taking forever..."

"Well, we gotta boast, Jitterbug!" Xerxes said, "It's necessary to our rivalry!"

"Yeah, Julian!" Patrick added, "We gotta be completely confident in our abilities, y'know?"

Mack grinned as he ran past them, shoving them aside.

"Hey, guys!" He yelled, "I think my luck's only going uphill, heh! Get it?"

"...Fucking weak." Xerxes groaned, "What the hell?"

"I'll fucking beat you up, Mack!" Patrick yelled, "Nobody outshines me!"

Mack started sweating as the group started chasing after him angrily. He sped up in a panic.

"Oh nooooo!" He yelled, "I'm fucking dead!"

"Murder!" Julian chuckled as he twirled his knife, "Murder!"

* * *

Gala yawned loudly as she lounged on a lawn chair, sipping on her drink. She looked up at Quyen, who was fanning her with a tiny fan.

"I'm bored." Gala said.

"And I feel used." Quyen grunted.

"You don't have to do that, y'know..."

"Oh..."

Quyen looked away and blushed, still fanning.

"Aren't you gonna stop?" Gala asked.

"I..."

With a grunt, Quyen tossed the fan aside, hitting Idalene square in the head.

"Hey!" She yelled.

"Sorry!"

Quyen leaned against the lawn chair and yawned, obviously bored. She squinted as she saw someone approach in the distance.

"AAAAAAAAAAA" Emile yelled as she ran towards the finish line, "I'M FINALLY DONE!"

She dropped Tiffany on the ground and collapsed onto her, instantly falling asleep.

"Wow, okay..." Skippy said, "Anybody else wanna come up here and collapse on the ground?"

Sweat dripped down his face as he saw Yahto and Retro running towards him in the distance.

"Yeah!" Retro cheered as they passed the finish line, "We did it!"

"Heh, yes!" Yahto added, "We rock-"

Skippy held in a chuckle as Yahto tripped, sending them both to the ground.

"Okay, so apparently y'all aren't done collapsing..." Skippy giggled.

* * *

"Waaaah!" Mack cried as he ran, "Don't hurt me, holy hell!"

He turned his head and instantly regretting it as he saw the three guys run after him, rapidly catching up.

"Mack, you do realize we're joking, right?" Patrick giggled, "We're only gonna hurt you a little!"

"What!"

"Joking, we won't hurt you at all!"

"H-how do I know you're joking?"

"...Dude, who the hell do you think we are?"

Mack skidded to a halt, causing Julian, Xerxes, and Patrick to ram into him, sending them all to the ground.

"I thought you guys were serious!" Mack giggled while on the ground, "Wow, what a relief!"

"Owwww..." Patrick whined, "Dude, we're just playing..."

"I think I chipped my tooth..." Xerxes groaned, "God, I was proud of my tooth..."

"Tooth is fine." Julian said.

"Okay, good to know!"

Everybody slowly staggered to their feet, giggling.

"Man..." Mack said, "Continue chasing me, it made me go faster-"

He was cut off by Zipp suddenly teleporting in the middle of the group.

"Nope~!" Zipp cheered, "No more chasing, sweetums~!"

"Wait, what-"

Zipp snapped his fingers through his gloves somehow, and set Patrick's hat on fire. He didn't realize it at first, but the burning heat eventually caught up to him.

"...AAAAAAA"

Patrick rolled on the ground, attempting to snuff the flames. Luckily, all those videos on fire safety you watched in elementary school were accurate, and his decision to stop, drop, and roll paid off.

"Don't touch him." Zipp said, "Are we clear?"

"Crystal..." All the boys said in unison.

"Good!"

With a poof, Zipp teleported away.

"Let's just walk..." Xerxes said.

"Agreed." Mack whimpered.

* * *

Claude whistled a cheerful tune as he skipped up the hill, Soren struggling to keep up behind him.

"I have tiny legs!" He yelled, "Slow down!"

"I am slow, silly!" Claude chuckled, "What, do you want me to carry you?"

"Yes..."

Soren squeaked as Claude picked him up and propped him over his shoulder.

"Why didn't you say it earlier? I would love to carry you!"

"I, uh..." Soren said, "Wow..."

Claude grinned as he skipped merrily along, approaching his destination at a steady pace, with a blushing Soren on his shoulder.

* * *

Grunting in agony, Ushra limped along. Blue helped support her, keeping her upright with her arm.

"Almost there!" Blue chirped, "Look!"

She pointed towards the hill, which was right in front of them.

"Nice." Ushra grinned, "Makes my pain more worth it! I mean, at least I didn't lose any limbs or something, eh?"

They both stared in disbelief as one of Ushra's fingers suddenly fell off onto the ground. Victor laughed loudly as Ushra picked up her fallen finger.

"Ha!" Victor laughed, "You're falling apart at the seams! You- Ow!"

Ushra chucked her finger at Victor's head, hitting him square in the forehead. Victor growled as he rubbed his temple.

"Fuck you, you crippled bastard!"

"Weird, I'm neither of those things." Ushra yawned, "Anyways, up the hill we go."

Victor fumed as Blue and Ushra started walking up the hill, him following behind angrily.

* * *

 **Confessional:** Why is Vick such a dick?

 **Ushra:** Why does Blue feel the need to hang with this guy all the time?

* * *

"You made it!"

Katana felt a sudden surge of joy at Flam's words. She grinned widely as she picked up her pace, despite the large boy on her back, and ran towards the box of flags, almost stumbling onto her face in the process. She leaned down to let Flam grab two flags, and swiftly turned around to walk down the hill, making sure not to let his weight make her tumble.

"Hell yeah!" Flam cheered, "You're the best, Katana!"

"Thanks..." Katana blushed, "I wouldn't have been able to do it without your encouragement..."

"Well, if I wasn't encouraging you, then it would be safe to assume I wouldn't be on your back..."

"True..."

* * *

Tiffany groaned as she groggily attempted to open her eyes and immediately decided it wasn't worth it. She closed her eyes, yawned, and snuggled into the unidentified mass covering her. It was warm and green, and occasionally moved like it was breathing. ...Wait.

She immediately opened her eyes to see Emile had fallen asleep on her.

"Emile!" She yelled, instantly waking her up, "Get the fuck offa me!"

"Five more minutes..." Emile yawned, "I'm so tired..."

"This is so _gay!_ " Tiffany squealed, "Get off!"

Emile's response was a loud snore, which made Tiffany yell and thrash in frustration.

"I'm straight!" She yelled, "People are gonna get the wrong idea!"

"Yeah, y'keep telling yourself that..." Quyen snickered.

Quyen grunted as Gala hit her lightly on the arm.

"Rude." Gala said.

"Ugh..."

"Hey, y'all!" Ace yelled from off in the distance as she ran towards them, "I got my flag!"

She crossed the finish line and gave Les her flag.

"Thank you." Les beeped, "The Grizzlies are absolutely destroying everybody else today, jeez..."

Yahto, Retro, and Skippy groaned as everybody else cheered.

"It's just a stupid footrace..." Retro grunted, "I don't see why you guys are so excited over it..."

* * *

"Are we there yet?" Soren groaned.

"Almost!" Claude chirped, "Don't worry, we'll be there soon!"

Soren groaned loudly as Claude skipped towards the summit of the hill.

"Now?"

"Nope!"

"Now?"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Now?"

Claude ran up to the box of flags and picked two out, giving Soren one to hold.

"Yep~!"

"Hell yeah!" Soren cheered, "Let's go-"

"Move move move!" Xerxes yelled, "We gotta go!"

Claude and Soren jumped to the side as Xerxes, Julian, Patrick, and Mack barrelled into the flag box, toppling the box over, sending flags everywhere, and generally making a big mess while also making a big dogpile.

"Ow..." Mack groaned, "W-why...?"

"Pain." Julian said, "Pain."

"Julian, can you move your knife?!" Patrick yelped, "It's digging into my side!"

Sweat dripped down Claude's face.

"L-let's go, Soren..." He stammered.

"Shouldn't we help them-"

"LET'S GO, SOREN."

* * *

Lina sung a little tune as Deedee and Nate carried her.

"Doop-ba-doop!" She sung, "I'm being carried, yeah~ "

"Thank you for helping us, Deedee." Nate said, "You're a good person."

"Bad omens..." Deedee said, "Bad omens..."

"...Okay...?"

* * *

Flam sung the Rocky theme as Katana jogged, sweat running down her face. Every step felt like hell on her legs, but she continued. Joy ran though her body as she saw the finish line ahead, and she yelled in exuberation as she ran across it. Flam tossed the flags at Les, hitting him in the face, and Katana collapsed on the ground, exhausted.

"Long time, no see, sis!" Retro giggled, "How ya doing?"

"I wanna die!" Katana yelled.

"Oh."

* * *

Ushra sighed in relief as she turned around and saw Victor behind her, lagging behind by a significant amount. She turned to Blue with a look of concern on her face.

"Why are you hanging out with him?" She asked, referring to Victor, "He's a douche."

"Who?" Blue replied.

"Victor, duh..."

Blue looked back at Victor wistfully, then shook her head.

"He's my friend, obviously!"

"Yeah, but why?" Ushra said, "He treats you like complete trash..."

Blue crossed her arms defiantly, "He is not! Name one example!"

"Victor always calls you names!" Ushra yelled, "Retard, fatass, it's all he does!"

"Pfft, he wouldn't say it if it wasn't true..."

Ushra froze in shock.

"Blue...?"

"He reminds me of my mommy, who I love very much." Blue chirped, "I'm getting kinda homesick, so being near him reminds me of home!"

Silence hung over both of the girls as Ushra processed what Blue just said. Ushra gingerly put a hand on Blue's shoulder.

"B-Blue?" Ushra stammered, "Are you okay?"

Tears started running down Blue's face. Despite that, she continued smiling.

"I'm perfectly peachy, Ushie-poo~!" Blue blatantly lied, "I'm as happy as a Wooper, maybe even more because I have arms!"

"Blue..."

"I mean, then again, I am autistic and completely socially and mentally retarded, I'm a complete and utter fatass and it's detrimental to my health and I'll probably end up dying of a heart attack before I turn 20, and I'm obsessed with a kid's product despite me being 16 and I'll probably never ever survive in the real world because I am a failure and deserve to die, but that's okay! It's fine!"

Blue's smile started to falter as she let out a tiny sob.

"It's fine..."

Ushra walked in silence, unable to form a proper reply. She felt tears form in her eyes, threatening to pour out.

"Hey, look!" Blue chirped as she pointed ahead, "I can see the flag box straight ahead!"

"We can too, you dipshit!" Victor yelled, coming closer, "We're not fucking blind or retarded, unlike you!"

"T-thanks..." Blue whispered as she walked towards the box and grabbed a flag, "I appreciate it..."

* * *

"Yo, Emile, you okay?"

Soren poked at Emile's sleeping body, cringing when she let out a loud snore. He and Claude managed to cross the finish line and get 12th and 13th respectively.

"We should let her sleep." Claude said gently, "She's obviously exhausted, it's the right thing to do!"

"Um, no!" Tiffany yelled from under Emile, "The right thing to do is to wake her the fuck up and get her off of me!"

"Or we could just roll her off of you and let her continue sleeping, that seems like the nicest option!"

"Whatever."

"C'mon, Soren!" Claude said as he grabbed Emile's side, "I can't do this alone!"

"Sure, I got this." Soren grinned as he grabbed on too.

They both pushed, successfully rolling Emile off of Tiffany. Tiffany sighed in relief as she got up. She stretched, her joints audibly cracking.

"God, thank you." Tiffany said, "...Ew, that felt gross to say."

She walked off, leaving Soren and Claude with Emile.

"Hmm..." Claude pondered, "Maybe we should relocate her somewhere else. The ground doesn't seem comfortable..."

"I'll go grab a lawn chair!" Soren yelled as he ran off, "Be right back!"

"Okay, thanks!"

Claude jumped in surprise as Emile let out a particularly loud snore, which made him bring his attention to her. He noticed a rock had managed to embed itself in Emile's face, which made him chuckle.

"Wow, you're really out solid..." He giggled, "Here, lemme fix that."

He crouched down and gently took the rock out of Emile's face, chucking it aside. Claude smiled as Emile started murmuring in her sleep and eventually rolled over, resuming her snoring.

"And she somehow manages to be cuter when sleeping, even with this loud snoring... How is this possible?"

Soren ran up to them, carrying a lawn chair that was way too big for him. He unfolded it and threw it on the ground.

"Maybe you should've got it..." He panted, "It's heavy as shit..."

"Well, we're gonna have to put Emile on it, so your suffering isn't over yet!"

"...Aw..."

With a grin, Claude and Soren picked up Emile (with much struggling) and placed her on the lawn chair. Claude made sure she wasn't lying on any of her limbs, and Soren smiled with satisfaction.

"We're such good friends." Soren said, "Never even woke her up!"

Claude and Soren blankly stared as Mack, Patrick, Xerxes, and Julian ran across the finish line and barrelled into Emile's lawn chair in a big pile.

"Oh." Soren said.

* * *

Lina stared at the sky above her, watching the clouds go by. It was getting late, and it would soon be sunset, so the sky was getting a little darkish. She sighed, this was so boring.

"Are we there yet?" She groaned, "I'm getting tired..."

"Almost." Nate said, "The finish line's right there, see?"

"It's kinda hard considering I'm on my back..." Lina giggled.

"Oh... right."

"Pain." Deedee said.

"Why would you say that?" Nate replied, "What made you deem that necessary?"

Deedee shrugged.

* * *

Xerxes was on his cell phone, sheepishly rubbing at the back of his head while he spoke.

"Yeah?" He said, "D-don't worry, I'll be more careful. I'm evil, evil never dies. ...I love you. Laters!"

He hung up and sighed, putting his face in his palms.

"Oh, Cory..." He sighed, "You care too much..."

"Pfft, you're lucky!" Retro giggled, "I wish Richie could call me, they broke their phone recently, it was a mess. Dropped it right off the roof!"

"Well, maybe if you didn't decide to do amateur parkour despite having no training, then Richie would be able to call you!" Katana scoffed.

"It was not amateur parkour, we're intermediate!"

"Yeah, that's why you fell off and got a concussion..."

"Wow."

Nate and Deedee carried Lina across the finish line. Together, they put her down and sighed in relief.

"...What happened?" Ace asked.

"Don't ask." Nate replied.

"Nate almost killed me." Lina chirped.

"ACCIDENTALLY!"

"Do you guys have your flags?" Les beeped.

Nate held up his and Lina's flags, leaving Deedee to sweat.

"S-shit." She stammered, "Shit, shit, SHIT!"

Deedee ran off in a panic.

"Well." Lina said, "That happened!"

* * *

Blue twiddled nervously with her thumbs as she walked, staring downtrodden at the ground.

"Hey, Ushra?" She whispered, "Tell me honestly, do I annoy you?"

Anxiety tore through Ushra's stomach like a kitchen knife at a particularly awful barbeque, the one with Uncle Curtis that ended with a trip to the hospital. She turned to Blue with a soft expression.

"Listen, Blue." She said, "I-"

She yelped as Victor shoved her aside, knocking her on the ground. He grabbed Blue by the collar, and glared at her.

"You are the most annoying person in this entire fucking film lot." He growled, "And that's saying a lot."

"Oh." Blue stammered, "Thank you."

Suddenly, Deedee ran by, screaming obscenities at the top of her lungs. She dashed up the hill, piercing everyone's ears with her screeching.

"...Okay, nevermind." Victor gagged, "You're second place."

* * *

Chef groaned as he chopped the shitty meat he found in the fridge, whatever it was being a complete mystery to him.

Tom's still asleep.

He grumbled as he turned on the stove and set the timer, not to prevent it from burning, but to prevent burning the entire kitchen.

This is so unlike him, letting his coworker sleep like that, ignoring duties in favour of slumber, but she just always looked so tired.

It's not immediately obvious, she doesn't slur her words or seem lacking in energy, but her eyes always seemed... dead.

That girl's so innocent, it's hard not to take pity on her.

Chef brandished his knife, making sure not to cut himself. He was kinda glad Tom wasn't here, she'd probably injure herself or vocally disapprove of the food he was making.

Whatever, at least she's sleeping.

* * *

The box only had one flag left in it.

Deedee stared longingly at the flag, considering her options. Honestly, she was fucked. Last place? Is she for real?

She grabbed the flag and sighed. She's elimination fodder now, that's for certain.

It's sunset.

Deedee looked up at the orange sky, the hue slowly becoming a dark purple as night crept across the horizon, her palms becoming damp with sweat as she realized her fate.

"I can see everything." She whispered, "Why not this?"

A quick sigh escaped her lips as she trudged down the hill, defeated.

It's over.

She failed.

* * *

"So, hey!" Mack chuckled, "Lemme tell y'all a joke! You know, because some people are slow as hell!"

He jumped in surprise as Zipp suddenly teleported in front of him, waving his vines excitedly.

"Yes, yes!" He cheered, "Tell the joke!"

"ORG players." Mack said confidently, "Pathetic nerds."

"Heh, tell me about it!" Yahto guffawed, "Yeah, create a shitty reality tv ripoff on a fucking forum of all things with no reward besides the short-lived 'respect' of a bunch of lifeless and easily entertained numbnuts and absolutely no strategy to be found anywhere, and fill it with incompetent dickweeds! Then just hide all your flaws behind a cruddy crossover, pfft."

"Buncha dumbasses." Flam yawned, "It would be funner and more worth your time to watch paint fucking dry."

"Pretentious fuckers." Mack giggled, "Acting like they're some kinda strategy geniuses."

"Let's murder them." Zipp said darkly.

 **"NO!"**

* * *

Ushra grinned as she shuffled forward.

"Hey." She said as she nudged Blue with her elbow, "Think I'm getting better."

"So soon?" Blue asked, "You sure?"

"Pfft, I heal easily." Ushra giggled, "I'm like some kinda regenerating... regenerator."

"Starfish?"

"Yeah, I'll go with that."

"Well, that's the only star you'll ever be." Victor grunted, "Considering we're pretty much dead last. Look."

He pointed ahead towards the finish line with a sigh.

"You fucking failures."

"Well, you're here too." Ushra said defensively, "You can't say we're failures without lumping you in there too!"

"I'm not trying." Victor said coldly, "You're both just shitty."

"I'm injured, and Blue is doing well. Fuck you."

"Well-"

Victor yelped as Ushra shoved him to the ground. She grabbed Blue's hand and ran off towards the finish line, dragging her along.

"U-Ushra!" Blue stammered, "Why did you-"

"We're not failures." Ushra smirked, "At least we'll beat him."

They both cringed and sped up as they heard Victor yelling behind them, screaming obscenities. A grin crawled across Blue's face as she ran with Ushra, giggling at practically nothing.

"Haha!" Ushra chuckled, "Serves him right!"

"Y-yeah..." Blue stammered as she blushed, "Serves... Serves him right."

* * *

 **Confessional:** Run away, baby~

 **Blue:** Ah... Victor is cute, and Ushra is cute... My heart...

* * *

"We're almost there." Ushra said, "And we're better than Victor, right?"

"R-right!"

Blue grinned triumphantly as they crossed the finish line together.

"Only two people left!" Les beeped as he grabbed their flags, "I'd recommend they hurry up, the slowpokes-"

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?!" Victor yelled as he ran across the finish line, fuming.

He chucked his flag at Les, a metallic clang echoing as it hit him.

"...Ow." Les said, "What the fuck."

"YOU THE FUCK!" Victor screeched, "USHRA AND BLUE'S THE FUCK, TOO!"

"Awwwww, thank you!" Blue said, trying not to seem uncomfortable, "You're so nice..."

"The only nice thing would be Chris waking up." Les grunted, "And we're not getting that!"

"Well, obviously!" Yahto scoffed, "He's a pretentious, egotistical, sadistic, vain and lazy so-called prettyboy who can't talk the talk or walk the walk."

Chris suddenly opened his eyes and growled, jumping onto his feet.

"Um, hoe?" He yelled, "At least I'm not a sexually confused androgyne twink!"

Yahto blinked in confusion.

"I am none of that." Yahto said, "Um... I'm aromantic and obviously a girl, not a gay dude."

"...You're a girl?"

"Is that a joke or are you serious?"

Chris sweated heavily.

"J-joke?"

* * *

 **Confessional:** Yahto's a girl. People shouldn't confuse that.

 **Pennie:** Fucking peons, mixing up her gender. "I thought she was Kasimar!" FUCK KASIMAR! YAHTO'S HOTTER. BACON, YOU NITWIT!

* * *

Meanwhile, in the distance, a man with a purple tie dye shirt and black beret shuddered, dropping his SNES controller. He stared blankly at the screen, not caring as Yoshi fell down a pit.

"Someone..." He whispered, "Insulted me."

His eye twitched violently.

"PENNIE!" He yelled, "THAT WAS IN 2014, GET OVER IT!"

* * *

Deedee slouched along, silently berating herself with each step she took.

Failure. Worthless. _Idiot._

She was done. Finished. The fat lady was singing! ...And she looked suspiciously like Blue...

Deedee slapped herself across the face. Fucking rude, Blue isn't just some kinda fat joke. Why did she think that? That's rude as fuck? Come on, snap out of it.

She pouted as she stared at the finish line far off in the distance. This was gonna be awkward, being so late. Is it even worth it, seeing all those disappointed faces?

Every step didn't feel worth it.

Deedee let out a loud cough, the kind brought about by overwhelming awkwardness and social anxiety.

The finish line was coming ever closer. She could see her teammates!

"Almost." Deedee whispered to herself, "One step at a time."

She sighed as she finished, tossing her flag to Les and instantly collapsing onto the ground in shame.

"She took her time and she's still exhausted." Victor sighed, "Pity."

"Justified..." Deedee muttered.

"W-well, she did help me!" Lina said, "I would still be out there if not for you! I mean, no offense to Nate, but he's kinda out of shape!"

"Hey!" Nate yelled, "C'mon!"

"Whatever!" Les beeped, "The-"

"Grizzlies win." Chris said simply as he sipped his latte, which had appeared out of nowhere, "No doubt! If you didn't predict this, then you obviously don't know the teams by now, which makes sense! I mean, does anyone remember the teams? Not even the author can remember the teams, she's got a list! For fuck's sake!"

"...Grizzlies got an average placing of 9.16." Les said, "Eagles got about... 14.61? That might change a little with rounding, but not enough to ignore the fact that the Eagles really fucked up!"

"Mmm whatcha say..." Retro jokingly sung, "Mmm that you only meant well..."

"Yes!" Tiffany cheered, "We won! Suck my nads, Eagle-Fuckers!"

"Y-you have nads?" Emile whispered, secretly hopeful that she wasn't alone.

"...EAT MY PUSSY, EAGLE-FUCKERS!"

"I can't help but feel this is my fault..." Lina droned.

"Nope, it's all mine." Nate sighed.

"Well, at least you didn't get last like a CERTAIN OTHER PERSON!" Victor screamed, pointing at Deedee.

"Second last isn't much better, dearie~!" Zipp giggled, "Be honest!"

"The cripple shoved me!"

"I'm not a cripple..." Ushra said coolly, "If we're counting mental handicaps, then I guess you're the crippled one here!"

"That's a nice insult..." Blue stammered, "But I'd rather not be used as a punchline... Mental illnesses are no joke..."

"S-sorry."

"No problem, Ushie-poo!" Blue chirped, "Now you know!"

"AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE!" Xerxes yelled as he ripped off his hoodie, revealing a GI Joe tee, "GO JOE!"

Xerxes froze awkwardly as everyone stared at him.

"I... I have more hoodies, don't worry."

"Well, now we know!" Flam giggled.

"AND KNOWING MAKES YOU A SUPERSTAR!" Claude screamed as he ripped off his shirt, revealing a Jem tee, "OUTRAGEOUS!"

"...Did we just use the same joke twice?" Chris said, "What the fu-"

* * *

"Tom?"

Chef sighed as he patted Tom's head tenderly. She was completely out and still sleeping, snuggling into the sheets without a care in the world.

Reluctantly, he shook Tom awake, causing her to groan loudly.

"F-five more minutes..." She muttered, "Sleepy..."

"Tom, you missed the entire challenge." Chef said as gently as his gruff voice would let him, "It's becoming night, you need to get up and go."

Tom pressed her face into her pillow, stifling her annoyed grunts.

"Sorry." She groaned, "I haven't been sleeping well lately... I think it's the new meds."

"Kid, I understand, but we need to kick you into a regular sleeping schedule."

"Chef, I know that! But it's either sleeping right or letting OCD control my life like I'm some kinda puppet!"

Chef sighed, gently petting the tiny girl.

"You'll get fired."

"I don't care."

"Yes you do, admit it. I completely get it, you want responsibility. Independence. Gotta make your papa proud."

He stayed silent for a moment, staring at his anchor tattoo.

"I joined the navy for my papa, did you know that? Tried to make him proud! I saw some real fucked up shit, but..."

"Was it worth it?"

"No."

Tom yawned, finally turning around to look at Chef.

"It's a little different, you fought a literal war, I'm just some kid who can't sleep right."

"We all have our wars, kid. As long as you continue fighting, I'll be proud. Will your papa be proud?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, continue." Chef chuckled, "And get back on schedule, running the kitchen without you is way harder than it should be, you lazy shit."

"Sorry, sir." Tom sighed, "Won't happen again!"

Tom grinned as Chef ruffled her hair.

* * *

Nate sat in the girl's trailer on the floor, metal strewn all over the floor as he operated on Lina.

"This needs to stop." Nate grunted as he tinkered with Lina's parts, sparks flying out occasionally due to her busted system.

"What needs to stop?" Lina chirped.

"You getting injured because of me." Nate sighed, "We need to stop this, it's unhealthy and your luck will run out eventually."

His eyes widened as he stared at a particular part, which was cracked in half.

"Oh no!" He whimpered, "It's broken."

"What do?" Deedee asked from on top of a bunkbed.

"It's..." Nate said, "It's part of her brain, technically. Without it, well... you ever watch a Vinesauce corruption stream?"

Deedee nodded, while Lina shook her head.

"Well, basically, they fuck up the code to make everything unstable, which is what Lina will slowly devolve into if she's not repaired soon!"

"Oh golly..." Lina whimpered, "H-how bad?"

"Very."

"A set number?"

"Uh... Bajillion?"

"Oh gosh, Nate!" Lina cried, "That's so high! I can only count to thirty-four! I just can't figure out the next number! Can you fix it?"

"Um... no. I don't have a replacement either, so..."

"Deedee find!" Deedee shouted, "Deedee will get it!"

"...You sure?" Nate said, "You won't cause trouble, will you?"

"No!"

"Well, I am desperate enough... Go on, good luck!"

Nate tossed Deedee the broken part, and she waddled out of the trailer.

"Nate... you sure that's a good idea?" Lina beeped.

"No, not at all."

* * *

Gala leaned against the girl's trailer, waiting for Quyen to arrive.

Today was pretty good, what with the victory and... _Quyen._

She blushed as she remembered Quyen carrying her up the hill, what with those big, strong arms and...

Oh lord.

Still, she had to knock those feelings out, everything about this relationship had to be strategy and nothing else, lust would only reduce her odds.

And she needed all the strats on her side, losing is not an option.

"H-hey?"

Gala turned to see Emile leaning in past the trailer wall, just barely peeking her head out to reduce her presence.

"Um..." Emile stammered, "G-Gala?"

"Yeah?" Gala awkwardly said, trying to push her inner monologue out of her brain, "What?"

"I... I need help."

Gala rose an eyebrow.

"With what?"

Emile inched closer to Gala, trying not to break down into a bundle of nerves while doing so.

"I know you have some kinda power... I need you to get rid of Tiffany. I-I mean, i-if you don't mind."

"Ah. Any reaso-"

"Okay, first rule of this deal is that you don't ask why. It's nothing bad, I swear, she's just really close to finding out something... embarrassing about me and I don't wanna be mocked."

"Agreed." Gala said, "More rules?"

"I'll vote with you for the rest of the season, p-promise."

Gala grinned devilishly.

"Deal. Keep this between us."

"T-thank you..." Emile whispered, "Now, pardon me, Claude and Soren are waiting for me..."

She slinked off, leaving Gala alone. Quyen walked behind the trailer, rising an eyebrow.

"Um..." She said, "Is that related to some competition strategy?"

"Heh, you don't know the half of it..."

* * *

Deedee snuck towards the producer's trailer. The plan was simple: Les probably had the doohickey, and taking the doohickey would help Lina, which would make people not vote for her! She can't afford to lose, she knew too much, she had to stop everything.

 _Prophecies were made to be stopped._

"Squirrel!" She shouted.

She grinned wildly as a helicopter crashed near her, somehow not drawing the attention of anyone else. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson stepped out of the helicopter crash, scratching at his head.

"Oh man, that was weird..." The Rock said, "Say, where are we?"

"Toronto." Deedee said simply.

"We... we weren't anywhere NEAR Canada! Wow..."

"Help." Deedee said as she pointed towards the trailer, "Open."

"Why should I-"

"OPEN!"

"Oh, geez, fine!"

The Rock stared at the trailer, causing it to spontaneously open due to SHEER STARPOWER! Les was inside, staring at the sight.

"What the fuck!" He beeped, "That's- AUGH!"

He yelled as The Rock picked him up and suplexed him into the ground, knocking his doohickey out.

"Thank you, tooth fairy!" Deedee said as she picked up the doohickey, "Thank you!"

"I thought we agreed never to mention that mov-"

The Rock exploded and died. This episode is dedicated to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, who I hope doesn't die anytime soon or this joke will be AWFUL.

Deedee kicked Les's body. Offline. She skipped off, this was gonna be worth it.

* * *

Yahto sighed as she leaned against a tree, with Retro leaning onto her chest. She grinned as she dug in her pocket for a cigarette and stuck it in her mouth, then pulling out a lighter and lighting it.

"You..." Retro frowned, "Shouldn't do that."

"Pfft, what about it?" Yahto grunted, "I do what I want, Retro. I used to do harder stuff, be happy I'm not ODing on fucking coke or something."

"Ew... no offense, but I don't want the image of you picking up cocaine with your fingernail and snorting it in my mind..."

"I never used my fingernail for drugs." Yahto chuckled, "I used dollars or tiny spoons like any other respectable former drug addict."

Retro gasped as Katana ran up to the duo and punched Yahto square in the face, knocking blood from her nose.

"Mmph!" She yelled angrily.

"K-Kat!" Retro said, "What the hell?"

"S-shit..." Yahto groaned, "What the f-fuck did you just say...? I... c-can't understand... Owie..."

Katana took off her hoodie and growled.

"Don't talk about drugs to my little sis!" She yelled, "She's on the straight and narrow!"

"What is this, a DARE campaign?!" Yahto spat, blood running down her face, "I wasn't offering her drugs or anything! I'm _off_ the coke, and I was about to tell her why not to do that shit! It fucks people up, little old Retro would die if any of that shit got in her system, she's tiny!"

"...I don't trust you. Stay away from my sis, okay?"

"What? Is it because I'm a bad role model?" Yahto scoffed, "At least I don't punch random people!"

"You attacked us for a coin!"

"That was justified!"

"H-hey guys..." Flam panted as he ran up to them, exhausted, "Stop... Stop fighting! Why can't we be friends?"

"Because she's a bitch!" Both Yahto and Katana yelled at the same time.

"Ay carumba..." Retro said, "C-can we switch the topic? Who we voting for?"

"Deedee." Yahto and Katana said together, causing them to stare at each other awkwardly.

"You two _do_ have things in common!" Flam giggled, "C'mon, just be friends."

"No..." Yahto growled, "Just... no."

"Yeah, become friends with a drug addict, that makes sense!"

"Well, at least I'm not like you, Scarface!"

"Even with all these scars, I'm prettier than you, man-faced mongrel!"

"Ooooo!" Retro gasped, "Oh no she didn't!"

"Oh yes she did!" Flam cheered, "Catfight!"

* * *

"Where did you get this?"

Nate stared at the doohickey Deedee gave him, rising an eyebrow. How the hell...?

"Les!" Deedee shouted.

"Oh!" Nate exclaimed, "You asked him for a spare, right?"

"Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson beat him up!"

"You... stole a spare... with The Rock?"

"His doohickey fell out!"

Nate felt his blood run cold.

"You stole Les's actual part?!" He screamed, "What the fuck, Deedee?! We can't use this, he needs it!"

"We need to!" Lina droned, "I... I don't wanna die. Please keep it, maybe he has a replacement?"

"I..."

Nate sighed, patting the lion on the head.

"Fine."

* * *

Tom adjusted her scarf as she stood at the podium, the grand hall standing behind her beautifully. Does the hall even have a name? If not, I, the narrator, will suggest The Hall of Lame.

The Eagles sat awkwardly in the bleachers, shifting in their seats, anxiously awaiting Tom to speak.

"Eagles..." She boomed.

She slammed her hands on the podium, distress running across her face.

"What the frick-frack? So I accidentally fall asleep, and Chris gets knocked out too! We both have the same amount of work time today, and who, pray tell, has to host? Not Chris, the actual Total Drama host, but me! This is... this is... Um-"

Les suddenly burst onto the grand hall, waving his arms wildly.

"She stole it!" He screeched, "Stole it, stole it, stole it!"

"Stole what?" Tom said.

"Deedee stole my Fluxator-Ultra-Capacitor-Killswitch!"

Everyone stared at Deedee, making her sweat.

"Wow, that's a cool name!" Blue cheered, "What's it mean?"

"Nothing, it's just for the acronym."

"Fuck!" Victor yelled, "Hahahahaha!"

"I don't have a replacement!" Les shouted, "We need to order one right now!"

"On it." Tom said as she wrote something down on a notepad, "No worries, bro!"

* * *

 **Confessional:** DEATH STRIKES TWICE.

 **Deedee:** WE WILL ALL FALL.

 **Blue:** Down with Lina! She made a lot of our team fall behind~!

 **Victor:** FUCK BLUE, FUCK BLUE, FUCK HER ASS, GODDAMN!

 **Skippy:** Well, Deedee's creepy and stealing is wrong...

 **Flam:** Can't handle Katana and Yahto's fighting... Gotta get rid of Yahto! It's a perfect plan!

 **Lina:** Oh, I don't wanna get rid of anyone... Might as well vote for myself!

* * *

Tom grinned wildly.

"Chef?" She said, "Bring my results!"

Chef walked onstage in his pink dress, holding an envelope. He handed it to Tom, and patted her on the head.

"Good job, kiddo." He grunted.

"Thank you~!" Tom giggled, "Anyways, I'll make this quick! Patrick, Flam, Retro, Katana, Skippy, Ushra and Nate are SAFE! ...There's no statues because I think there's something fishy with them!"

"Why am I on the chopping block?!" Victor yelled, "I... conserved my energy for tomorrow! Y-yeah, that!"

"You said you didn't care, Vicky~!" Blue chirped.

"Shut the fuck up!"

"I'm relieved..." Patrick sighed, "Ahh..."

"Oh, you can say that again!" Ushra said, "I came almost last, I should be TOAST!"

"So one of the first people on this stinking team to arrive is in danger?" Yahto scoffed, "Fucking bogus."

"Ah-ah!" Tom said, "Yahto, Victor, and Blue are also safe! That leaves Deedee and Lina!"

"Oh gosh!" Lina yelped, "I could be going? Oh, gee, guys! Deedee, you really helped me out, I'm sorry it had to end like this..."

Deedee turned to Lina and smiled gently.

"...Y-you too..."

"Shhhh..." Tom said, "Deedee... Lina... I'm sorry, but..."

Both girls sweated as Tom grinned, staring at her results.

"Deedee... you're out of here. I'm sorry."

"N-no..." Deedee stammered, "I..."

"It's my fault..." Lina whimpered, "Deedee..."

"Serves her right." Les beeped, prompting Tom to hit him in the head, "...Ow."

Deedee put her face in her palms and let out a massive sigh.

"Is this..." She said, "Is this real?"

She let out a sob, causing Tom to cringe.

"Ah!" Tom cried out, "Don't cry! You were a pleasure to have! Please!"

"B-but..."

Deedee took her head out of her palms, revealing the tears running down her face.

"I have to..."

She sighed as she got up and started walking to the Lame-o-sine.

"Nevermind." Deedee mumbled as she got in the Lame-o-sine, "Goodbye."

"See you, Deedee!" Lina shouted, "T-thank you!"

"We're so sorry..." Nate sighed, "Goodbye."

Skippy grunted, crossing his arms angrily. He knew what he did.

"Better you than me...?" Patrick said sheepishly.

Deedee closed the door, and the Lame-o-sine drove off.

"This hurts..." Tom said, "Having anyone leave hurts... Whatever, go on, Eagles, I'm done with y'all."

* * *

Mack sat on top of the hill, staring at the moon. It took a little while to get up there, but not nearly as long as it took earlier that day.

He grinned, hearing footsteps behind him.

"Hey, Ushra." He said, knowing who it was without looking, "Who got booted?"

"Deedee." Ushra sighed as she sat down next to her companion, "Tragic, but eh."

"Better her than you, right, space princess?"

"Doesn't that go without saying?"

Ushra put her head on Mack's shoulder, making him blush. He wrapped an arm around her with a grin.

"You know..." Ushra giggled, "The stars look better up close."

"Really?" Mack gasped, "What're they like?"

"Bright... beautiful... being able to go up and see them is like a dream come true..."

"Will you take me there someday?"

"Definitely."

"Hell yeah!"

* * *

"Ah yeah~!"

Chris stared at himself in the mirror, flexing his non-existent muscles. He jumped as he heard the door to his trailer burst open.

"Chris!" Les screeched as he floated in, "I- ...What the fuck are you doing?"

"None of your business, Les!" Chris yelled, "What do ya want?!"

"I need to order a new Fluxator-Ultra-Capacitor-Killswitch... I ran out of spares..."

Les sighed as he watched Chris comb his hair, ignoring his pleas.

"Pfft, whatever..."

* * *

"You may be wondering why I've brought you here today."

Xerxes sat in the middle of the forest, Patrick and Julian sitting across him, forming a circle.

"No." Patrick and Julian said in unison.

"It's about the evil known as... Zipp." Xerxes whispered, ignoring his companions, "He is not of this world!"

"What do you mean?" Patrick asked.

"He is less you and more... me!"

"Don't understand."

"Human vs non-human kinda shit!"

"Nah, not following."

"He is a demon!" Xerxes growled, his fists bursting into flame with rage, "Much like me!"

"Wait, you're a fucking demon?!" Julian yelled, "What the fuck?!"

"You can speak full sentences?!" Patrick gasped, "Since when?!"

"Zipp is so obviously a demon!" Xerxes seethed, "He has a weird, tiny, non-human body! He would never ever be that short and stout if he were a human-"

Soren walked up to the trio, panting.

"Hey!" He said, "Have you two seen Emile or Claude? I was with them, but I fell behind! Curse my short and stout body!"

Patrick and Julian exchanged a knowing glance as Xerxes fell onto his back, yelling.

"No." Julian said, "Sorry."

"Um..." Soren stammered, "Okay?"

He walked off, leaving the trio alone, the only sound being Xerxes's screaming.

"You still think Zipp's a demon, Xerx?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, PATRICK!"

* * *

Ace dangled her feet over her bed, glaring at Tiffany, who was on the other side of the trailer.

"God, I wish Deedee lasted at least one day longer." She grunted, "I was gonna study her, find out why she's so... _Deedee._ "

"Whatever." Tiffany said, filing her nails, "At least I don't have to deal with her for the rest of the competition. Would be frustrating to go all the way to the final two with her..."

"Who says you're going that far?"

"Pfft, me? I get everything I want, darling."

Idalene burst into the trailer, yelling.

"Guys!" She screamed, "I found the most amazingest thing!"

"Give it to me!" Tiffany yelled, "I want the amazing thing!"

Ace giggled as Idalene chucked a wad of shit at Tiffany, hitting her in the face.

"It's bear poop!" Idalene squeed, "I found it in the woods! Bears poop in the woods! The age old mystery is solved!"

"...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

* * *

Tom and Chris stood in Chris's trailer, with Tom staring awkwardly at his posters and Chris being unfazed.

"Well, that was a load of bullshit!" Chris chuckled, "Right, Tom?"

"I'm only here because my contract dictates I do so..."

Tom yelped as Chris shoved her to the floor, grinning and never breaking eye contact with the camera as he did so.

"Will Victor stop being an ass to Blue?" He said, "What was Deedee so worried about?"

"Will we finally do our jobs correctly?!" Tom yelled as she slowly got up.

Chris kicked her to the floor, still not breaking eye contact with the camera.

"Fuck you, Tom." Chris whispered through his teeth, "Stay on the ground!"

"I'M THE COHOST!"

"FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON TOTAL DRAMA ACTION REPLAY!" Les screeched, bursting into the scene, "SEND ME A FLUXATOR-ULTRA-CAPACITOR-KILLSWITCH!"


	6. Marble Madness

"Last time on Total Drama Action Replay!" Chris yelled, "Something happened, and I gotta delay saying it because Deviantart previews are a bitch! I mean, yeah, we gave you way too long to read it, but Les threw a bitchfit, Tiffany threw a bitchfit, everybody threw a bitchfit, Deedee fucking died, it was all cool or something... I'm a little fucked up right now, so I'm just gonna..."

Chris fell face-first onto the ground, rubbing his face into the dirt.

"Fuck, I love the feeling of dirt on my face."

* * *

It was early morning and everybody was eating in the mess hall.

"Uh." Xerxes stammered as he picked at his food, "What is this?"

He stared at his meal, which was fuzzy and green. He picked it up with his fork, only for it to sprout wings and fly away.

"...No." Julian said in reply to that, "Just... no."

Emile jumped up, caught the fuzzy food item, and shoved it in her mouth violently.

"Protein!" She chanted, "Protein makes you have muscles like mine! Yeah!"

"Pfft, you're sure having fun, Emile." Claude chuckled from his seat.

Emile turned around to face her friend with a beaming grin, "Well, yeah! I gotta stay-"

She froze as she stared at Claude, his face an empty blank. The sight of his featureless visage sent a chill down Emile's spine. She sweated nervously as she turned to Soren, who was completely unfazed.

"You okay, Emile?" Soren asked as he sipped his drink, "You look... scared."

"I-is there something on my face?" Claude sighed, "Sorry, I'm a messy eater."

Soren gave Claude's face a quick lookover.

"Nope." He said as he turned back to Emile, his mask suddenly becoming blank as the holes and markings disappeared, leaving a white void, "What's wrong, Em?"

Emile held back tears as she stammered, her throat becoming dry and her words refusing to come out as she stared at her blank-faced companions.

"I..." She managed to choke out, "I'll be right back, I forgot to take one of my meds..."

She dashed out of the tent, avoiding eye contact with her fellow faceless contestants as she ran.

"Huh..." Claude as he turned to Soren, their faces suddenly back because they never left in the first place, "What's up with her?"

"Dunno." Soren shrugged.

"Everything!" Victor guffawed, "She's a bigger retard than Blue!"

"Oh, don't worry!" Blue added, giving Victor a bone-crushing hug, much to his dismay, "Vicky's just joking!"

"I am not, you fucker!"

"The only joke here's your face!" Tiffany yelled, "Fuck yeah! Burn!"

"Wow, Tiff!" Yahto yawned, "I thought it wasn't possible for a joke to make a joke! Thank you for proving me wrong!"

"At least she's not a drug addict!" Katana yelled, slamming her fork onto her plate, "Fuck you!"

"She's trying her hardest, Kat!" Retro said, "Stop fighting!"

"Oh god..." Flam groaned.

"Ugh, drugs?" Ace grunted as she smoked her cigarette, "Drugs are bad news, don't do them."

"...Hypocrite." Nate mumbled under his breath.

"But Ace isn't a hippo, Nate!" Lina shouted, "She's a human!"

"What did you just say about me?" Ace yelled, getting out of her seat, "Fight me!"

"No, Ace!" Skippy yelled, brandishing her boxing gloves, "Fight me instead! Let me shove my fists _inside_ you!"

Ace blushed nervously while Skippy thought about what she just said.

"I'll get the popcorn~!" Zipp chirped as he poofed up a bag of the buttery treat, "Fight, nerds!"

"Still jealous..." Patrick grumbled under his breath.

"Why fight when you can party?" Mack said, "C'mon!"

"That is true, bro!" Soren added.

"Have I ever told you guys about the time we we playing darts at my friend's birthday party and I got stabbed?" Ushra said.

"Sounds interesting..." Idalene replied, "But I'd rather watch these fuckers fight!"

"Have you ever noticed everybody is always itching for a fight?" Gala whispered to Quyen, "We should take advantage of that to get Tiffany taken down! She's a hothead..."

"Why do we want Tiffany gone again?" Quyen quietly replied.

"Emile wants her gone, and having her trust means more strategy buffs!"

"Ah. Speaking of, what do you think's up with the lass?"

Gala shrugged.

* * *

 **YOU FORGOT TO TAKE YOUR MEDS, YOU FORGOT TO TAKE YOUR MEDS, YOU FORGOT TO TAKE YOUR MEDS-**

"I know!" Emile shouted as she ran across the lot to her trailer, "Just shut up! You're not real, fuck off!"

Emile burst through the trailer door, angry tears running down her face. She ran to her bed and rummaged through her belongings.

 **WOW, THIS IS JUST THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN, MAYBE YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF!**

With a growl, Emile grabbed her meds and quickly took out a pill, swallowing it in one swift motion without anything to wash it down.

"Fucking h-hallucinations..." Emile stammered, shaking heavily, "Ahahaha, this..."

She groaned as she felt her stomach churn, threatening to spill the contents right out of her face.

Hold it down, Emile.

Don't vomit up the meds.

Don't be a fucking failure.

Everything that just happened was kinda blurry and crazy, so Emile didn't realize that she ended up curled in a ball on the floor, her possessions strewn across the trailer.

That's... it's fine.

Emile felt tears run down her face.

Just wait out the pain.

It'll end eventually.

* * *

Chris grinned sadistically as he stood outside, watching Tom and Les transport a hunk of marble, struggling immensely.

"Why do we gotta do this?!" Tom yelled, "We're your cohosts, not interns!"

"Agreed." Les groaned, "Why not ask Chef?"

"Les, Chef's not an intern..."

"Tom, shut the fuck up, my Fluxator-Ultra-Capacitor-Killswitch is gone and Chris still hasn't ordered one!"

"Your what?" Chris asked, prompting Les to sigh.

"Chris, if you don't order a motherfucking Fluxator-Ultra-Capacitor-Killswitch soon, I swear to the robot devil-"

"Stage hands!" Chris yelled into a microphone that he suddenly materialized out of nowhere, "Get the FUCK over here!"

"...Why do you guys swear so much?" Tom asked, "It's a load of malarkey."

* * *

 **ONE HOUR LATER...**

* * *

Chris growled as the army of teens finally arrived. He was literally about to rip his hair out, he was so fucking enraged.

"Where were you?!" Chris yelled, "I've been waiting-"

"You didn't tell us where to go, silly!" Blue chirped, "How are we supposed to go somewhere if we don't know where to go?"

"We wandered everywhere..." Yahto growled, "Oi, it was a pain on my legs, it was!"

"Eventually the majority of us agreed it was just a mass hallucination!" Ushra said.

"But then everybody looked at me and realized that I can't hallucinate..." Lina giggled.

"It was a large amount of fucking bullshit." Tiffany grunted.

"But it was hilarious~!" Zipp chuckled.

"NO, IT WASN'T!"

"Okay, whatever..." Chris sighed, "I was going to do a song and dance, but since we're running late, I'll just cut to the chase-"

He was interrupted by all the cast cheering and whooping, which made him sigh.

"You guys see this marble?"

He gestured to the large blocks of marble behind him.

"You guys have four hours to make a statue, which myself, Les, and Tom will judge. We'll all rank you on a scale of 1-5! Due to budget reasons, you're all gonna have to get in groups of two. Team with the most points win. Any questions?"

Everybody's hand went up.

"Oh, so we have no questions? Good, go!"

* * *

 **Confessional:** Marvel at the marble!

 **Tiffany:** Literally none of us are artistically inclined, this is a very bad idea!

 **Lina:** I'm a robot, I don't 'get' art...

 **Ushra:** One time I went to an art museum and got crushed by Michelangelo's David! ...I could've died.

* * *

Emile, Soren, and Claude looked at eachother awkwardly.

"Groups of two..." Soren said, "Three of us..."

"Abandon me." Emile said simply.

"No!" Claude yelled, "I'll go, I know how much you adore Soren!"

"Pfft, not as much as you adore him..."

"I don't want you two to break apart!" Soren butted in, "Ditch me."

"No-"

Emile yelped as Tiffany jumped on her back, grabbing her ears and forcing her to run off.

"Mine!" Tiffany giggled maniacally, "Mine, mine, mine!"

"I'm sorry!" Emile yelled as she ran off, "Oh no...!"

Soren and Claude exchanged a quick glance and sighed, walking up to their marble chunk.

"It's a hard-knock life..." Soren grumbled.

"For us..." Claude finished.

Emile ran back to the duo, carrying a large chunk of marble.

"I'M WORKING NEXT TO Y'ALL!" She yelled, "I-"

She tripped, knocking her marble over. Tiffany followed behind her, groaning loudly.

"Why..." Tiffany grunted.

* * *

"She's going with me!"

"Mmph!"

Retro groaned as Yahto and Katana argued over her, yelling at the top of their lungs.

"I'm cooler!" Yahto yelled.

"Hmmph!" Katana quickly replied.

"Sorry, I don't understand..."

Katana groaned as she took off her hood.

"I'm her fucking sister!" Katana said, "You're just some bad role model-"

"Here's an idea!" Retro yelled, "How about you two stop because I refuse to be with either of you if you keep fighting?!"

She turned around and scanned the environment, spotting Ushra a couple feet away.

"Hey, Ushra! Do you have a partner?"

"Haha..." Ushra said, "Nope!"

"Can I join you?"

"Sure! C'mon over!"

Retro glared at Katana and Yahto, and walked off. They exchanged a knowing glance.

"...Maybe we should try?" Katana said, "Um... try to be partners?"

"Why would I willingly subject myself to that?" Yahto grunted, "I kinda hate you."

"Because my baby sister just abandoned me for _Ushra,_ that's why! She's not even an important character! Retro's pissed off, and we need to fix that!"

Katana stuck out her hand, causing Yahto to sigh.

"Fine." Yahto groaned as she grabbed her hand, "Only for Ret."

* * *

Mack slowly chipped away at his marble, whistling a happy tune. His whistling derailed as he heard a familiar poofing behind him.

"No, Zipp." Mack sighed, "I'm not being partners with you."

Zipp's vines wrapped around his neck, making him sweat.

"Oh my, Macksie~!" Zipp chuckled, "You've forgotten who I am, right? Surely you didn't mean that..."

"Well, when you put it like that-"

"Yay, let's get started!"

Zipp started beating at the marble with his vines, taking off large chunks of it.

"...You don't even know what we're doing...!" Mack sighed.

* * *

Skippy was living up to her name and skipping around, looking for a partner. She spotted Blue off in the distance, chipping at her marble by herself.

"Hey, Blue!" Skippy said, "Ya need a partner?"

"Sorry, Skippy..." Blue chuckled, "I got Vicky!"

She gestured to Victor, who was sleeping on the ground a couple feet away.

"You..." Skippy coughed, "You sure you want him over me?"

"Positive!"

"Rude!"

"Hey, I got an idea!" Blue chirped as she clapped excitedly, "You should ask someone else!"

"Fine. I'll ask Lina!"

Skippy turned around to see Lina and Nate working together on a statue.

"Okay, um, Yahto?"

She grunted as she spotted Yahto arguing with Katana over what their statue will be.

"Flam, maybe?"

Blue giggled as Skippy held her head in frustration, spotting Flam and Patrick together, making good progress on their marble.

"...Retro?"

Retro was with Ushra, bandaging a wound that she somehow managed to aquire within the short time we left them alone. Fucking idiots.

"Blue?" Skippy sighed, "You... you think the Grizzlies would accept me?"

"Nope."

"...Fine, I don't care what you think, I'm staying here."

"Yay!" Blue cheered.

* * *

Ace growled, staring at her partner. She panted, her patience quickly running out.

"No, Idalene!" She snarled, "We're not making a statue of a massive turd!"

"Well, it's better than your idea!" Idalene said mockingly, "Little orphan Annie? Really?"

"Well, it's either that or Cher Ami, and we have no good references for pigeons!"

"...A pigeon? That... that sounds original, actually."

"Oh my god! What if it was little pigeon Annie?! Holy shit- YOU'RE NEVER FULLY DRESSED WITHOUT A SMILE-"

Idalene sighed as she covered Ace's mouth, muffling her awful singing.

"Sure." Idalene said, "We can do little pigeon Annie. Birds should be easy, right?"

* * *

 **Confessional:** AHAHAHAHA, ANIMALS BEING EASIER TO DRAW, AHAHAHA-

 **Ace:** I'm happy, but... why did Idalene cover my mouth? I was singing well!

 **Idalene:** She still can't sing...

* * *

Retro sighed as she bandaged Ushra's wound, a massive gash in her arm. She wrapped the dressings around her arm, the blood dying the white bandages red.

"Really?" Retro grunted, "We haven't even decided what to do, and you're already injured? Is god out to get ya?"

"Ha, that reminds me of a story!" Ushra giggled, "I'm gonna tell it!"

"Oh, lord..."

* * *

A young Ushra was wandering around her backyard, playing with her toy rocket. She ran around, making motor noises as she made the rocket fly around.

"Nyoom!" She yelled, "Houston, there's something going on! Who are you even? Who's Houston?"

Ushra threw the rocket up into the air, and went to catch it. In a typical Ushra fashion, she failed to catch it and it fell on the ground.

"Oh." Ushra said, "Okay-"

The rocket lit on fire, making Ushra grunt in frustration.

"Really?" She yelled, "This couldn't possibly get any worse!"

Suddenly, the rocket exploded, sending shrapnel into Ushra's body. She groaned angrily.

"Mom? Get the bandaids!"

* * *

"You think that's bad?" Peter Griffin chuckled, much to Retro and Ushra's dismay, "Well, how about the time-"

"Wrong show." Retro said.

"Oh." Peter said, "Sorry, the cutaways confused me. Back to mediocrity!"

Peter faded away, whooping and hollering the entire time.

"Are we gonna pretend this never happened?" Ushra asked, "Why have your Family Guy experience in TDAR when you can just play Quest for Stuff, honestly?"

"...What never happened?"

"Good. Anyways, that's the story of how I got partially blinded in my left eye! Haha, that combined with my colourblindness makes me fucking visually impaired as fuck!"

"Yet you still fly a rocket...?" Retro said, confused.

"Listen, nobody said this show was perfect and plot hole-free, Little Ms 'Doesn't Know Her Own Last Name'! Now, let's make a rocket so we can say this entire exchange was worth something beyond lowbrow comedy for the audience, okay?! You know how fucking sick I am of being in this shitty borderline trollfic!?"

"Oh... o-okay?"

* * *

"Okay, we can do anything you w-want..." Emile whispered to Tiffany, "Just say it, we'll do it."

"Me!" Tiffany shouted.

"...Anything you want!"

"Me!"

"J-just say it, we'll do it!"

"Me!"

"Literally anything-"

"Puppycat!" Soren yelled as he ran towards the duo.

He yelped as Emile grabbed him and chucked him back to Claude angrily.

"Me!" Tiffany yelled.

"We are not doing you-"

Tiffany pulled out a phone and dialled a number.

"Hello, PETA?" She said, "Emile suplexed a bear yeste-"

"Fine..." Emile sighed, "You."

"Yay~!"

* * *

"No, Yahto." Katana sighed, "We're not making a statue of you murdering me."

Yahto opened her mouth to speak, but Katana cut her off before she could say a word.

"It's not gonna be Retro murdering me either."

"Aww..."

Katana tenderly grabbed Yahto's shoulder.

"Listen." She said softly, "I'm trying so hard to get along with you. Yahto, you have to try too, okay?"

"...What if I don't wanna try-"

Katana growled as she leant close to Yahto's face, their noses barely touching as she breathed heavily. Yahto felt a shudder go down her spine as she stared into her wild eyes.

"N-not that I don't wanna try!" Yahto chuckled falsely, "I... I'm good! I'll try! Don't hurt me."

Yahto sweated as Katana brought her into a hug, squeezing her tightly. Reluctantly, she hugged back, patting Katana's back awkwardly.

"Thank you."

"Um... y-you're welcome."

"You wanna do Nicki Minaj or something?"

"Sure?"

"Far out~!"

* * *

Quyen groaned as she chipped away at the marble with her chisel, dust flying everywhere.

"Aren't ye gonna help, Gala?" She said, "Yer testin' my patience..."

"I'm busy thinking strats!" Gala snapped, "Besides, you know I despise dirt!"

"Yes, Gala." Quyen snarked, "Because I adore dirt and am _thrilled_ that you would let me be one with the dirt."

"I-Isn't that what you said on the first day? Is Pennie really so unoriginal that she has to reuse dialogue? ...Fuck it, I'm calling her."

Gala took out her phone and started dialling a number, causing Quyen to groan.

"Come on, really?" Quyen said, "Are you sure ye should be dialin' our equivalent to god? How can we have anythin' resembling drama when the fact that you can call our god loomin' over us, yar? Any major problems could be solved by divine intervention or some shit like that! On that topic, how can we have religion when we have our literal god livin' among us? How can we have Christianity and Judaism and all that crud when Pennie is out and livin' in our universe, not even botherin' to hide the fact that she be OUR GOD?! She be our god, Gala, doesn't that scare ya?! Yar, I'm fucking terrified, you can ASK GOD FOR FAVOURS? Our universe makes no logical sense, Gala! None!"

Gala handed the phone to Quyen.

"I think you pissed off god." Gala whispered, "Oh mon dieu..."

"I heard all of that!" Pennie screeched through the phone, "How dare you show off a major flaw in our canon, my hatedom already has the hating part down, I don't need my own OCs to fucking do that shit! Listen up, you whore-"

Quyen hung up the phone and tossed it back to Gala.

"Did you..." Gala said, "Did you just hang up on god?"

"Aye."

"...Quyen, what the fuck."

* * *

"Patrick, you don't need to use your magic for this-"

Patrick stared Flam right in the eye as he summoned a bolt of lightning to hit the marble, breaking off pieces of it and also singeing the rock.

"How else am I supposed to carve this pathetic rock into the image of my visage?" Patrick whispered, "Get some logic, Flam."

"But..." Flam sighed, "We have chisels! Besides, you're burning up the marble!"

"HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO CARVE THIS PATHETIC ROCK INTO THE IMAGE OF MY VISAGE!? GET SOME LOGIC, FLAM!"

"Pat... you really think the best way to win is to _burn_ the marble-"

 **"HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO CARVE THIS PATHETIC ROCK INTO THE IMAGE OF MY VISAGE!? GET SOME LOGIC, FLAM!"**

"You know..." Flam sighed, "It's times like these that I wish the Salem Witch Trials succeeded..."

"Flam." Patrick said, "Aren't you Jewish?"

"Yes?"

"Witches are based in anti-semitic imagery of Jewish people..."

"...Oh."

* * *

Claude grasped at the bridge of his nose, sighing.

"Soren..." He said, "Why do you want to make a statue of Puppycat?"

"He's cute!" Soren gasped, "Hilarious! Simplistic but recognizable! It's perfect."

"Well, okay! Anything for you, dude!"

"Ah..." Soren blushed, "Really? Dude, that's..."

"Let's go!" Claude chuckled, "You dork!"

"Right! First, an artist must concentrate and visualize his concept!"

Claude clapped happily.

"Good! Now you-" Claude jumped in surprise, "Soren, what the fuck-"

Soren adjusted his mask, which had suddenly turned into a Spongebob mask.

"I've gotta embrace the marble!"

"W-what?!"

Soren rubbed his face against the marble.

"I've gotta sniff the marble!"

"Soren! No!"

Claude cringed as Soren stuck his tongue out of his mask, licking the marble.

"I've gotta lick the marble!"

"Ew! You don't know where that's been-"

Soren took out a washcloth and started cleaning the marble.

"I've gotta wash the marble!"

"Okay... Better..."

Soren readjusted the bowtie on his tuxedo ad lit the candles at his dinner table. He stared starry-eyed at the marble across the table, decked out in a similar tuxedo.

"I've gotta date the marble..."

Claude involuntarily facepalmed.

"Okay, now you're back into creepy territory!" Claude sighed, "Can it get any worse?"

The dimensions twisted around the duo, Soren's grin never leaving his face (even though you couldn't see it behind his mask) as time simultaneously slowed to a halt and sped up beyond any comprehension. Every single universe and dimension, every single time and place imaginable, it all collided together at this single moment in time and space, tearing the fabric of existence apart.

As quickly as the universe stopped, it restarted again, slowly expanding from mere atoms in the void of space, quickly accelerating into planets, into life, faster than a blink of the eye. Everything was back to normal, like the universe didn't just temporarily cease to be.

"hOI!" Soren yelled, now a piece of marble, "I've gotz ta BE TEH MARBULS!"

Claude felt himself involuntarily scream as he woke up, Soren standing above him, concerned. He panted, a cold sweat running down his face.

"W-what happened?" Claude panted, "Are we dead? Are we in hell?"

"Nope!" Soren cheered, "You're with me!"

"...I'M IN HELL!"

"Wow, rude. I accidentally knock you out, and this is what happens?"

"W-what happened?"

"We were discussing Puppycat, and I tossed you a chisel. You're not good at catching."

"R-right..." Claude stammered as he got up, "Let's do this!"

"Yep!" Soren chuckled, "My art teacher told me some good advice! Wanna hear it?"

"Sure!"

"You've gotta be the marble!"

Claude felt consciousness slip out of his grasp again as he fell to the ground.

* * *

Lina mustered up her best puppy dog eyes and stared at Nate. Well, they were technically lion cub eyes, but the intent was the same. Would lion cub eyes even be cute? Probably.

"B-but Nate..." Lina whined, "I wanna make a pizza statue!"

Nate gently grabbed Lina's paws.

"Lina." He said, "Pizza is literally a circle. We won't get top marks that way."

"Oh, I don't care!" Lina chirped as she squatted down to meet Nate eye-to-eye, "Having fun is more important than winning!"

"Dude, with that kind of thinking, everybody's gonna vote you off."

"Better me than them! I've been voting for myself because I can't stand seeing my friendsies go~!"

Lina jumped in surprise as Nate dropped to the ground, flopping around with his mouth agape. It reminded Lina of the time Mango took Mr. Fishy-Fish out of his tank and dropped him on the pizzeria floor. He flopped and flopped in vain, but he eventually succumbed to the lack of water.

But that didn't matter, because Nate was on the ground!

"N-Nate!" Lina yelled, "You okay?!"

"YOU VOTED FOR YOURSELF"

"Y-yeah? Nate, is there-"

"YOU..."

"I...?"

Nate let out a loud sigh and curled up in a ball.

"You innocent piece of shit. Too pure."

Lina sat down next to Nate, ruffling her paw in his hair.

"Listen." She said, her usual childish tone disappearing from her voice, "I care about everybody here. They may all be loony and wacky, but I love them."

A slight blush crawled across Lina's face.

"Our team, the Grizzlies, I don't care either way. All of them are amazing and deserve the world. Who am I in comparison to them? I'd rather let anyone else win than me, Nate, especially you. I care about you."

She let out a sigh as she laid on the ground, staring up at the clouds above.

"I love everybody in the world except for myself, honestly. Is that weird? I mean, I'm nice and all, but..."

Lina's blush deepened as Nate grabbed her paw.

"I..." She stammered, "I really care about you, Nate, honest. I'd do anything to let you win. You're... you're a smart and sweet guy, you deserve everything. I'm sorry that I almost made you get booted yesterday."

"Lina, you dweeb." Nate chuckled, "If you wanna protect me so bad, then you shouldn't sacrifice yourself to do so. It'd be better to vote someone else off."

"But I can't!" Lina shouted, "They're all so good-"

"Even Victor?"

"Well... k-kinda. I'm worse."

"Not true, my little cutiebot." Nate said as he stood up, "We'll discuss this more while sculpting, okay?"

"Yeah!" Lina giggled, "Pizza?"

"Fine, pizza."

* * *

"We..." Julian said.

"...Are the Mighty Bros!" Xerxes sung as he chipped away at his marble, "We're gonna rule the world! And if you think we can't..."

"You're gonna get fucking hurled~!" Julian and Xerxes sung together.

"That's why the people of this world fear..." Julian whispered.

"Julian, Xerxes, and NOT CORY!" Xerxes yelled, "Fuck you Cory, I can do whatever I want-"

He stopped chipping away at his marble when he heard his phone ring.

"Hello? Oh my god, Cory-"

Julian glanced at the camera as Xerxes bickered with his boyfriend, and shrugged.

* * *

Emile groaned softly as she made her statue, her hands starting to hurt.

"...And that's the story of how I totally met Nicki Minaj!" Tiffany said hautily, "Jealous?"

"So you met her backstage and stole her boyfriend." Emile grunted, "Wow, wonder why I have a hard time believing you... Does she even have a boyfriend? Who knows? Everything I say will eventually be irrelevant, for we are forever stuck in this one point in time, the universe constantly changing around us."

"It's totally true." Tiffany scoffed, "Swear, or I may be struck by lightning!"

She cringed as thunder rolled in the distance.

"O-or, nevermind! I'll just-"

The sound of lightning cracking filled the air. Tiffany screamed as she ran off, afraid for her very life.

"Ugh." Emile whispered, "A-at least I get some quiet. I was getting a headache..."

Suddenly, a rock flew right into her skull from behind!

"Augh! What the fuck?!"

Emile rose an eyebrow as she looked at the rock, a note attached to it. She picked it up and read it.

 _"So... what are your plans for Tiff? - Gala"_

Emile loudly growled as she looked at Gala off in the distance,

"Why the hell d-did you throw a rock at me?" Emile yelled, "G-Gala..."

Gala quickly chucked another rock at Emile, hitting her right in the forehead.

 _"It's the best method of communication! -Gala"_

"No." Emile sighed, "It's not. Stop hurling rocks-"

Emile yelped as she ducked, a rock narrowly flying over her head. She turned around and picked it up.

 _"It's discreet and easy! Much better than face to face!"_

Another rock collided with Emile's cranium.

 _"Sorry, forgot to put my name on it. - Gala"_

"Okay, honestly?" Emile sighed, "When it comes to bad ideas, this is guaranteed to be on the top ten list."

Emile caught the next rock.

 _"I want you to piss off Tiffany purposely in front of everyone if we lose. - Gala"_

"Okay, that's a really weird combination of smart and stupid you got going on there! Purposely invoke the rage of someone I want gone because she scares me! It's good!"

Yet another rock flew into Emile's head.

 _"What the fuck did you just say, you little shit? I'll have you know..."_

Emile felt herself care less and less as she continued reading the paragraphs and paragraphs attached to that rock. My god, this woman could write fast. A five page thesis statement on how awful she was, with sources and well-written paragraphs, and all in less than a minute? How?

"Fine, I'll do it." Emile muttered, "Just stop chucking rocks at me-"

One final rock hit Emile's head.

 _"Yar, I wanted to say hi! Ahoy! - Quyen"_

Emile leaned onto the marble and sighed. Why her?

* * *

Yahto hummed a tune as she chipped at her marble with a chisel, dust rising with each hit.

"...Pink hair, thick ass, give em whiplash!" Katana rapped as she sculpted, "I think big, get cash, make em blink fast-"

"Now look at what you just saw!" Yahto interrupted, "This is what you came for!"

Yahto grunted as Katana bopped her in the back of the head.

"Augh! What the fuck was that for?!"

A chill went down Yahto's spine as Katana whispered in her ear.

"I'm a motherfucking monster."

"You think completing the verse will make me forgive you?!" Yahto yelled, "Honey, babyboo, you were just preaching about truces! Hypocrite!"

"God forbid I get mad at you interrupting my fire!"

"Baby, you got no fire, you're fire-less! You're a black woman who can't rap, how does that make you feel?!"

"Better than you, whitey!" Katana yelled, "Go back to wearing Uggs and drinking Starbucks while listening to Iggy Azalea and marrying your cousins, ya stick of mayonnaise!"

"Oh, honey..." Yahto chuckled, "I'm white-passing, but that's still funny."

"I..." Katana stammered, "Sorry. Don't insult my rapping skills or anything referring to my speech, my lack of lips makes everything hard."

"Oh."

"...Wait, you're not white?"

"Well... okay, bits and pieces of me are white, but I mostly have Native American blood, y'know?"

Katana grinned as she chipped away at the marble again.

"Makes sense."

"My dad's Native American and my papa came from Mexico, so I have two non-white dads while I'm the mayo-looking one! Isn't that hilarious?"

Katana shot Yahto a quick glance.

"You have two dads?" She asked.

"Haha, yeah!" Yahto guffawed, "It's awesome! Sports night every night, baby! Papa's a little effeminate, but otherwise it's the manliest house in Canada!"

"Pfft, I would say. Any siblings?"

"Naw, I'm the only one. You got any besides Retro?"

"Well... I kinda used to?"

Yahto halted her progress on the marble to stare at Katana.

"U-used to?" She whispered, "What happened?"

"Can I tell you a secret?" Katana replied, "Promise you won't tell Retro."

Katana giggled as Yahto held up her pinky finger.

"I pinky promise!" Yahto said, "Cross my heart!"

"Hope to die?"

"Not that far. Feel free to stick a needle in my eye, though."

"Drug addict." Katana sneered, "Anyways..."

She leaned towards Yahto and gently whispered in her ear.

"I'm adopted."

Katana let out a sigh of relief as she leaned back.

"Man, it feels so good to get that off of my back! The entire family's Asian except for me, dunno how she didn't notice." Katana said as she continued to pick at the marble, "She's not too bright, but uh... thanks, dude."

"U-um..." Yahto stammered, "Y-yeah? Yeah! You're welcome...!"

* * *

 **Confessional:** It's obvious, but everybody here's an idiot, so...

 **Yahto:** Why must this woman torture me so?

* * *

"No, seriously, what are we doing?" Mack stammered, "You're... You're kinda going on without me."

Mack gripped his chisel angrily as Zipp ignored him, continuing to chisel the marble.

"Ugh, nevermind. I'll just go see how Ushra's doing..."

Zipp shook angrily, never turning away from the marble as he hit it harder, bigger and sloppier chunks breaking off.

"Excuse me?" He seethed, "You'll what?"

Mack yelped as he felt a vine burst from the ground, wrapping around his leg and stabbing him with pokey thorns.

"U-um..." He whimpered, "Zipp?"

Zipp never turned away from the marble as the vine tightened around Mack's leg, causing Mack to grind his teeth.

"N-nevermind, I guess..."

* * *

Xerxes panted as he stared at his almost-complete creation, Julian standing proudly at his side.

"Jitterbug?" He beamed, "You see this?"

"Yep." Julian said.

They both stared at the statue, being a barely-definable man with nothing of interest. Hell, it wasn't even that well done, all bumpy and cracked...

"It's amazing!" Xerxes shouted as he handed Julian his cellphone, "Take a picture of me with it!"

He ran up to the statue and jumped on its base, posing with the marble man. Julian quickly snapped a photo.

"Done." Julian said, "You-"

Julian and Xerxes froze completely as the statue crumbled, leaving a pile of dust. Silence hung between the duo as Xerxes continued his pose, not moving out of disbelief.

"...Jitterbug." Xerxes said through his teeth, "Is this for real."

"Yes."

"WHAT IS THIS HELL I'M IN!?"

* * *

Skippy panted as she punched at the marble, large chunks flying off as Blue stared at the angry girl.

"Skippy..." Blue said, "Do you even know what you're supposed to be making? ...Why are you punching it!?"

"It's art, Blue!" Skippy chuckled, "It's easy-fucking-peasy, okay? If I can ballerina twirl my ass off for hours straight without stopping, then I can probs punch this rock into some fucking Beethoven shit."

"Beethoven made music."

"...Fuck." Skippy sighed, "Listen, we'll be the equivalent to Tchaikovsky with our statue, I fucking promise. Now help, dammit!"

"Skippy. I don't know what you're making."

"Abstract art."

"Ah!" Blue chirped, "Sounds cool-"

"Wrong-o, dumbass." Victor yawned, still lying on the ground, "That's a shit idea, and I highly recommend you shut the fuck up so I can sleep."

"Listen, fucko." Skippy growled, "How about you get up offa your ass? The grass stains won't help your unattractive image."

"Says the woman with a dog collar. Wait, I'm sorry, I got it wrong. _Man_ with a collar. Or, y'know, whatever gender you choose to fucking be today."

Blue slowly backed away as Skippy's face became red with rage, her body shaking and eyes twitching as her hands curled into fists.

"Alright, you fucking piece of shit." Skippy forced a chuckle out, "You wanna do some low blows? I can fucking do some low blows, asshole. I bet you're compensating for something, right? You took all of your dick and put it in your personality instead of your nether regions and you're mad!"

Victor narrowed his eyes.

"I'm five and a half."

"Oh, is that how old you are?"

"Bite me."

* * *

"Ushra..." Retro stuttered, "You sure you're not seeing this?"

"Um." Ushra said, "Seeing what?"

Ushra and Retro stared at their combined work-in-progress statue, a tall rocket ship with fins at the bottom, more round than actually fin-like due to their lack of sculpting experience. The rocket stood erect, with that roundness at the bottom and, honestly, it kinda looked...

"It's a penis." Retro groaned, putting her face in her hands out of embarrassment, "We made a god-forsaken penis."

Ushra blushed as she stared at the statue.

"A..." Ushra sighed, "A literal red rocket. We need to fix this!"

She angrily gripped her chisel and chipped away at the dick statue, muttering obscenities under her breath.

"How the hell..." Retro said.

Retro quickly joined in, chiselling at the statue.

"Okay, conversation fodder." Retro said, "Ask a question, get an answer. Shoot."

"Um..." Ushra said, "What's with your fashion?"

"I wanna be a DJ, and I gotta look the part, dude."

"Ah. It looks nice, really suits you. I would dye my hair, but I kinda have none."

"Oh, how did that happen? That counts as my question, by the way."

Ushra cringed in remembrance.

"Little buddy, let it be known that fire doesn't mix well with me."

"Well, shit."

"Yeah." Ushra chuckled, "Anyways, what's your favourite game?"

"...Dude, that's like asking what my favourite child is."

"RETRO, WHO'S YOUR FAVOURITE CHILD~?"

"No!"

Ushra laughed, causing Retro to frown.

"Ah, fine..." Ushra snickered, "Ask me a question."

"Um..."

Retro awkwardly stared at Ushra's prosthetic leg.

"How'd you lose it?"

"Lose what?"

"The leg."

"Retro, you don't just ask someone how they lost an entire limb..."

"Please?"

"Ugh, fine." Ushra sighed, "Lost it in a car accident. You happy?"

"Ooh..." Retro said, "What was it like?"

Ushra growled as she focused her attention on the marble, ignoring Retro entirely.

"I'm just gonna assume you hate me now, ha..."

* * *

Tiffany groaned as she walked back to her marble, slowly limping along.

She didn't get struck by lightning, but the run made her fucking tired.

"Hey, Tiffany!"

A groan unwillingly came out of Tiffany as Soren called her over. She took a quick glance at their statue, an undefined head sticking out of the unfinished project.

"So, what is that?" Tiffany sneered, "A cat after being beaten with a lead pipe?"

"It's Puppycat!" Soren chuckled, "You like?"

"No."

"Oh."

"Listen." Claude grunted, "That's not why we brought you over."

"Uh-huh, really?" Tiffany rose an eyebrow, "And that's what-"

Tiffany trailed off as Claude growled at her, his dark gaze never breaking.

"Don't be a dick to Emile." He said, "Hurt her again, and you'll pay the consequences, and it will not be pretty."

"What kinda consequences?"

"We'll lightly reprimand you!" Soren cheered.

Tiffany frowned as she trekked off towards her marble, 125% done with this bullshit. Emile shot her a quick glance as she leaned against the work-in-progress portrait of her visage.

"H-hey..." Emile whispered, "What's the time?"

"Around 3." Tiffany replied, "Why?"

"Is it Wednesday?"

"Yeah! Why?!"

"I'm late on my meds _again,_ hahaha..."

* * *

Flam sweated as he watched Patrick beat up the marble, shaping it into an inaccurate representation of himself, muscles rippling across statue Patrick's body where there would be body rolls, the fire emitting from Patrick's hands charring the marble and making his representation appear battle weary. It was beautiful, sure, but inaccurate.

"This isn't accurate in the slightest, Patrick." Flam sighed, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Artistic license." Patrick said, "First rule of art: you can lie, cheat, be a general douche, be literally Hitler, be a pedophile, be a rapist, be anything awful, but as long as you make good art, everybody will magically love you."

"...Are you implying that you're Hitler? Is that why you're intentionally fucking us over? Oh yeah, punish the Jew, you anti-semitic..."

"Heil Patrick." Patrick giggled.

"Not funny." Flam pouted, "My grandparents were involved in the Holocaust, don't insult them like this."

"Oh my god. Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Oh..."

* * *

"Y'know, nyah." Ace said as she chipped away at the rock.

Idalene looked up from her blueprints, being one half of the only duo smart enough to plan ahead of time.

"What?"

Ace held her hand up like a cat paw and winked.

"Nyah~" She purred.

"Stop, you fucking furry!" Idalene screeched, "Oh my god!"

"...I'm not a furry though."

"You wanted to make a pigeon!"

"YOU WANTED TO MAKE A SHIT STATUE!"

"Ace, honey, at least I'm open about my fetishes."

"...Please don't call me honey and mention your shit fetish in the same sentence..."

Ace felt a shudder go down her spine as Idalene breathed down her neck, absentmindedly trailing a finger down her side.

"What?" Idalene whispered breathily in Ace's ear, "Afraid of shitting on me, Acey-Wacey? Such a shame, I would love to do some disgusting things with you..."

Idalene snickered as she pulled back, which evolved into full-blown laughter, tears rolling down her face.

"Heh, I'm kidding!"

"THANK JESUS."

"Okay, that's a little bit rude..."

* * *

"Oh."

Nate stared at the finished statue, a pizza in a pizza box. It was beautiful, albeit a bit sloppy because Lina and Nate were inexperienced, except...

"Nate." Lina beeped, "Is it supposed to be square?"

"Um..." Nate said, "Not really. Should we care?"

"Pizza _can_ be square. Not in the Circle of Life. Do... do you care?"

"Yes. Should we fix it?"

"No... Nope."

Nate sat down on the ground, the grass tickling at his body.

"Yeah..." He said, "We could ruin it. It's fine as is."

He gestured for Lina to sit down next to him, her quickly obliging as she sat down next to the dweeb. Nate chuckled as Lina wrapped her tail around his waist.

"Oh?" Nate said, "What's this about?"

"Just wanna make sure you don't run away." Lina droned in a monotone voice, "Never escape."

"...What the fuck."

"Kidding! I'm kidding! Haha..."

Silence overtook the duo as Nate slowly shuffled closer to the lion, leaning on her. Lina shifted awkwardly, her tail tightening around Nate.

"Hey, Lina?" Nate asked, "Didn't Chris say you bit a guy's arm off once?"

"U-um..." Lina awkwardly coughed, "Yes... but also no. It's a lot worse than he said, surprisingly."

"Oh."

Nate picked at the side of his face.

"You mind telling me?" Nate whispered.

Lina quietly sighed, a fact not gone unnoticed by Nate.

"I mean..." He quickly added, "If you wanna."

"No, that's fine." Lina grunted, "It wasn't just his arm, it was... everything."

"Everything?"

"I left him unrecognizable."

"Yowch."

Lina scratched at the side of her face nervously, a slight beeping coming from inside her as she went through her memory files.

"Nate?" She whispered, "Do you hate me?"

"No..." Nate said as he shifted closer to her, "I could never hate you."

"I knocked him into a coma." Lina beeped, "He died."

"I could never hate you."

"His blood and bones jammed up my jaw, that's how it broke off."

Nate gently grabbed Lina's paw.

"Lina." He said sternly, "It's okay, I swear."

"It's not and you know it."

"Listen, would I lie?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

Nate awkwardly bit at his lip as they fell silent again. He slowly and carefully considered his next move.

Fuck it, he's gonna ask.

"Why'd you do it?"

"I already told you!" Lina yelled, "It was to protect the children, okay?!"

"...Tell me the full story. Top to bottom. Every single solitary detail."

"Why?"

"You're my friend, Lina, and this is obviously haunting you. Let me help?"

"F-fine..." Lina sighed, "It all started a little under a year after my activation, seven years ago..."

* * *

Today's gonna be a great day!

I jogged across the pizzeria, much to the dismay of my coworkers, but I didn't care. Everyday's a good day if you try, and I'm always trying! I was programmed to try, after all.

"Hey, Mr Bossman!" I yelled at my boss, sitting at his usual table.

"Lina, it's Bothmun!" He yelled back, his white moustache flapping wildly.

"Yeah, whatever!"

I continued to run, my tail wagging behind me.

You know, I really don't have to try, everyday's a good day at Circle of Life~!

Except... _wait._

I scanned the air, "smelling" it. Um...

Detecting trace amounts of blood.

That's alarming. Some kid must've scraped their knee or something! Oh gosh~!

I quickly jammed my paws in my pockets. Yup, I got bandages! Don't worry, kiddo!

A grin crawled across my muzzle. Helping kids is my specialty!

I followed the scent trail, skipping along as fast as my sensors could detect it. Surprisingly, the trail ended in front of the supply closet. Huh.

The door said "No Customers Allowed: Employees Only".

Maybe the kid couldn't read? That makes sense, right?

My smile quickly faded as I entered the room, the smell of blood overwhelming my sensors. A shadowy figure was hunched in the middle of the room.

"Sir?" I said to the man in the room, "What are you doing?"

He froze, still crouching, his back turned to me. It was dark, so I couldn't see a thing.

"Sir?" I repeated, more stern this time despite the dread that had formed in my servos, "What are you doing?"

He slowly stood up, the light hitting his body better and showing off the crimson blood that covered his jaundiced skin.

"...Sir." I droned, "What did you do?"

"None of your business." He hissed, his white beard covering his face, "Now go away!"

I closed the door behind me, locking it.

"Show me." I growled, flashing my fangs.

"You sure you wanna see?"

"Listen. You're already in trouble, you meanie. Show me."

Meanie? I'm not very threatening. He chuckled as he walked deeper into the supply closet, gesturing towards a bundle of blankets.

"You wanna see?" He said raspily, "Go on, make my day."

I blinked, staring at the bundle, my servos flaring with anxiety as I noticed a pool of red forming. This cannot be good.

"C'mon, lion. Look."

What was under the bundle of blankets was beyond awful, way more than what I was expecting.

The vividness of it all made my circuits spark and my vision blur, but there was a tied up and gagged kid, her entire body riddled with cuts and bruises, covered in blood. Her leg was a bloodied stump.

"Oh gosh." I gagged, "W-Why?"

I turned around. He was gone. Oh no, oh no, oh no...!

How? Does he have a key? _Is he an employee?_

That has to wait, though. I quickly shot out my claws, cutting the kid's bindings. The gag wasn't easily removed, but it came out in seconds.

"Shhhh..." I whispered, "It's okay. He's gone."

I took her into a hug, gently patting her back. She sobbed into my chest, not like I could blame the poor girl.

"You wanna stay here while I catch him?"

She meekly shook her head.

"Coming along? C'mon."

I picked her up and put her on my back, quickly dashing out of the closet.

"So, what's your name?"

"...U-Ushra."

* * *

"Wait."

Nate stared at Lina with a confused expression, sweat dripping down his face.

"Lina..." He stammered, "Run that by me again? What was her name?"

"Her name was Ushra." Lina said, " _Our_ Ushra."

"You knew Ushra before the fucking show and saved her life?! How come this mindblowing fact was never brought up?!"

Lina sighed.

"Listen, Nate." Lina beeped, "You really want me to bring up some awful memories to her? I'm sure she remembers and is all grateful and stuff, but I'd rather keep the trauma away from her."

"Oh."

"Can I continue now?"

"Fine."

"Good. Anyways, after a bit of running..."

* * *

I saw the man up ahead, talking to a group of kids, still covered in blood.

"Hey kids..." He said raspily, "I need your help."

"Um..." One of the kids asked, "Why do you have blood all over you?"

"Wanna find out?"

"No!" I yelled as I leaped onto his back, "No, no, no!"

He struggled, don't blame him, but I kept him pinned down. I felt the weight on my back leave as Ushra jumped off.

"Fuck you, lion!"

"No swearing allowed, sir." I beeped, "This is a family establishment."

The struggling continued, almost knocking me off of him.

"Listen, sir, you need to stop or I'll take some drastic measures."

I cringed as I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen. Oh no, he has a knife.

"Sir? This is your last chance."

"I will never stop!"

His bones crunched beneath my jaws, blood gunking up my internal functions as I gnawed messily on his arm. I felt my gears crack as his arm ripped off into my mouth, him screaming and crying.

He's still struggling.

Target resisting.

Destroy.

My fangs dug into his face, jaw locking as the mechanisms became clogged with gore.

More cracking.

His skull? My jaw?

Both?

I tore at his face, blood splattering all over my body, the entire universe blurring when my jaw didn't come with me.

* * *

Lina sighed, staring at the clouds.

"Nate." She droned, "You hate me, right?"

"No!" Nate replied, "Never! You did the right thing!"

"I killed a man, Nate."

"Yeah, but-"

"I traumatized everybody in the room."

"Uh... but-"

"Business went down, we had to fire so many people. All those livelihoods ruined, Nate."

"B-But..."

"What's one person? How much collateral damage is worth one person?"

Nate thought in silence, glancing over at the lion.

"It doesn't matter to me." Nate said finally, "I still love you."

"...Thank you."

* * *

Yahto cried, happy tears running down her face as she sat on her knees. She raised her arms to the heavens.

"Praise our lord and goddess Nicki Minaj." She sobbed, "Oh my god, it's gorgeous."

Katana rose an eyebrow as she stared at their finished statue.

"We could've done better-"

"Fuck you, it's perfect."

"It's a little rough-"

"Fuck you, it's perfect."

"Really kinda sloppy-"

"Suck my ass."

* * *

"Quyen?"

"Yar?"

"What the fuck is this?"

Gala loudly groaned as she stared at the statue, a barely standing mess of shapes.

"I kept changing me mind..." Quyen said sheepishly, "Cut me a break, Yar..."

"Just looking at it makes me sick."

"Wow."

"I haven't felt this sick since I ate an entire package of cookie dough."

"Wow!"

Quyen grunted as Gala put a hand on her shoulder.

"Listen, honey." Gala sighed, "You're cute, but that statue isn't."

"...You think I'm cute?"

Gala suddenly fainted from the realization, causing Quyen to giggle.

* * *

"Guys?" Chris mumbled, "Guys, what... what time is it?"

"Tom time?" Tom joked.

"No, idiot." Les sneered, "It's time to judge!"

"So soon?"

"Shut up, you skeets." Chris grunted, "Round up the contestants, we're gonna become art critics!"

* * *

All the contestants gathered with their statues, eyeing the hosts, who were at a judge table. Chris was bored, and so was Les, but Tom was bouncing up and down excitedly.

"Oh my gosh!" She said, "I'm so excited! Aren't y'all excited?!"

"No." Les beeped.

"Okay, rude."

"Anyways." Chris interrupted, "We'll rate you on a scale of 5, and the team with the most points win. Hope you assholes passed art class. Retro, Ushra, show us your magnum opus."

Retro gestured towards their statue with a grin, a rocket that was a little sloppy and still kinda resembled a penis.

"Lookit!" She giggled, "It's a penis- Uh, I mean..."

"It's a rocket!" Ushra shouted, "Not a red rocket, just a literal rocket!"

"Turns out your magnum opus is shit." Chris grunted, "Two stars."

"No, this is hilarious!" Les chuckled, "What are you talking about, it's so delightfully shitty! Three stars."

"It's sloppily made and looks like a dingle." Tom said, "But I love it, five stars!"

"Ten outta fifteen." Chris said, "Not bad. Claude, Soren?"

"It's fuckening Puppycat!" Soren yelled, "Look at this shit!"

Claude felt his palm involuntarily hit his face as Soren proudly gestured towards their statue of Puppycat, passable but nothing to write home about.

"Oh, I should tell my dad about this one!" Tom said, proving what I just said completely FUCKING WRONG DAMMIT, "He loves Bee and Puppycat! Five stars!"

"A circle on top of a circle." Les beeped, "Wow, original. One star."

"Same." Chris snickered, "Originality goes far in this economy."

"...And a cylinder with two triangles gets ten stars?" Claude said, "Seven? Really?"

"You suck, okay? Lina, Nate?"

Nate sweated as he stared at his statue, a literal square.

"It's a pizza!" Lina cheered, "Yay~!"

"More like nay!" Les yelled, "One star, I know you have my F.U.C.K, woman!"

"Two stars." Chris said.

"I love pizza!" Tom giggled, "Five!"

"Eight!?" Claude yelled, "Dude!?"

"No... I said five! Anyways, can we see Xerxes's and Julian's statue next?"

Everybody stared at the pile of rubble that Xerxes and Julian brought in.

"What the fuck?" Tiffany sighed, "You assholes, we're fucked now."

"Zero." Chris grunted, "It's a literal pile of shit."

"Ah..." Les said, "Same?"

"No, you guys don't understand!" Tom yelled, "The rubble represents the futility of life, correct?"

"It just broke..." Xerxes sniffled, "You saw it, right, Jitterbug?"

"Yes."

"Oh." Tom whispered, "Uh... four? Zero, zero, and four makes... four. Okay, Patrick, Flam?"

"C'est moi~!" Patrick yelled, causing Flam to cringe.

"Hey!" Gala yelled, "Francais est mon truc!"

"Well, Patty here has no gimmicks besides being a single phrase away from being sued by Hasbro." Flam grunted, "So, lay off him, geez."

Chris felt the universe halt as he stared at the statue, a perfect representation of Patrick's ego, his unflattering figure replaced with muscles and beauty, expertly crafted by his hands. It was... it was...

"Awful." Chris guffawed, "Just plain awful! Two for making me laugh, fucking jesus."

"It represents egomania." Les beeped, "The burn marks shows how destructive having a big ego is. Four."

"No, it's perfect!" Tom sobbed happily, "Oh, it's so deep! The muscles represent the strength of the ego, and the fire coming forth from his hands shows his destructive tendencies coming from how highly he thinks of himself! The burn marks on this visage represents how it harms himself! It's beautiful, six!"

"But you can only rate it out of five." Chris said.

"Fine, five. Six in spirit though. Eleven!"

"Ugh. Tiffany, Emile?"

"Pfft, our team's a buncha fucking failures." Tiffany sneered, "But my statue is superior!"

"Y-yeah..." Emile whispered, " _Our_ statue..."

"Um, fucking what? My statue! You did shit all, Emile!"

Tiffany giggled maniacally as she patted the statue of herself on the back, which quickly crumbled into nothingness. She slowly realized what had happened.

"...Emile...?"

"Y-yeah?"

"You fucking useless waste of space!" Tiffany suddenly screamed, her face turning red from rage, "I can't believe you made the statue so shittily! I ask you to do one fucking thing, and you fuck it right up because you're useless!"

"Ah..." Emile stammered, "S-sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen-"

"Sorry fucking nothing! You fucked everything up!"

"Sorry... C-can you stop?"

"No, I can't stop, you retard! You ruined everything!"

"Listen..." Emile whispered, "I-"

"Oh, no, no, no!" Tiffany screeched, "I would beg to differ, you're the one who should listen! Jesus fuck, we all know you're depressed, so why not just fucking kill yourself already?! Stop making life worse for everyone else, ya psycho."

Emile froze, unable to speak.

"...What did you say?" Soren said, "Say it again, right to my face, asshole."

"I said she should just fucking kill herself, okay?! Admit it, we're all thinking it!"

"Is that..." Emile whispered, "I-is that what you really think of me?"

"Yes! Just... just fucking go!"

Tiffany glared at Emile, a low growl coming from her. Emile sighed as she walked off, dejected.

Silence overtook the contestants until Claude spoke up.

"Wow. I thought you couldn't get any worse, but you proved me wrong."

"We going after her?" Soren asked.

"Yup."

They ran after Emile, leaving Tiffany to scowl.

"Go on." She said, "Gimme a zero. I double fucking dare you, motherfuckers."

"Um..." Tom muttered, "I..."

"I dare you, asshole!"

"It-"

"C'mon!"

Tom shook and shuddered in her seat, starting off sentences but never continuing them beyond the first syllable out of nervousness and fear.

"I... I thought it was good at first..." Tom gulped, "Uh... two?"

"You're kidding, right?" Chris said disapprovingly, "Zero."

"Your score crumbled with the ugly statue." Les sneered, "You get fuck all! Two overall! Katana, Yahto?"

"THE NIGHT IS STILL YOUNG" Yahto screamed, "AND SO ARE WE"

"It sucks." Katana sighed.

Yahto slapped Katana across the back of the head, which made her growl loudly.

"Glad to see you two getting along." Retro groaned, "It's soooo rad..."

"Sis, you gotta agree with me, right?" Katana said, "C'mon, it's ugly!"

"Oi, it's Nicki Minaj!" Yahto scoffed, "Obvs, she's gonna agree with me!"

"I don't care." Retro sighed, "Oh lord..."

"I care!" Les added, "And lemme just say, in the words of the woman herself: 'You a stupid hoe!' Can you count to three?"

"Eh..." Chris said, "Three."

"Seven!" Tom yelled, "Er... five. Seven in spirit for my goddess."

"Okay, time for Gala and Quyen." Chris said, "Local daters, go at it."

"Y-you implying that we're dating?!" Gala stammered, "No, no, no! Not at all, I..."

Gala cleared her throat, quickly regaining her composition.

"Okay!" She yelled, "Uh... look at this beauty!"

Quyen and Gala took a moment to glance over at the mishmash of ugly shapes that they called a statue, and shared a quick glance of awkwardness.

* * *

 **Confessional:** Um...

 **Gala:** Rule number one: If you don't meet the standards you are given, just pretend you're better than you are. Make them think you're a god!

* * *

Gala gritted her teeth, staring at the judges.

"This statue..." She said, "Represents..."

"The statue represents the undying affection between two lovers." Quyen interrupted, "It be messy, but is still standing and still a beautiful thing."

Quyen winked to Gala, who grinned widely.

"Y-yeah! What she said: the rounded shapes represent the twists and turns associated with romance, and the intertwined bits represent intimacy!"

"It's extremely complex. I'd rather let ye figure it out fer yerself, yar!"

Chris blinked in surprise, speechless. Gala and Quyen felt a ray of hope beam through them as Chris stood up from his seat with a grin.

"Doesn't change the fact that it fucking sucks!" Chris yelled as Les blared airhorns through his speakers, "Ohhhhh! One!"

"Three, because that was hilarious." Les chuckled, "My god."

"I like it." Tom said simply, "It's pretty, guys, come on! Five! Nine in total! Skippy, Blue, Victor, the trio!"

"Oh baby, a triple!" Blue yelled, "Oh yeah..."

"I wanna fucking die." Victor snarled.

"Shut your fucking face, you midget." Skippy said.

"Listen, you assmunch-"

"Shhh." Blue said, "Our statue!"

She gestured towards the fucked up abstract marble.

"Skippy mostly did this!" She giggled, "Isn't it nice?"

"Not really." Chris grunted, "Two."

"Disagree!" Les beeped, "Giving a three!"

"Five!" Tom yelled, "Ten in total! Skippy, good job!"

"Ah..." Skippy blushed, "Thanks..."

"Ace?" Les beeped, "Shit girl?"

"Idalene." Idalene sighed, "Why y'all always calling me that?"

"Because you're disgusting." Victor sneered.

"Wow."

"Anyways!" Ace said, "Our statue!"

The statue was of Little Orphan Annie, only she was a pigeon.

"...Is this Hatoful Boyfriend?" Retro said.

"YOU'RE NEVER FULLY DRESSED-" Ace attempted to sing/screech, but Idalene covered her mouth.

"Little Orphan Annie." She said, "Ace's idea."

Chris quietly sniffled, prompting everyone to stare.

"When I was a young boy..." He said, "I always wanted to be like Daddy Warbucks. Rich... famous... I succeeded, of course, but at what cost? Becoming cold and mean... It's awful. Where's the plucky young girl who's gonna break through my shell?"

"I can be Annie!" Tom yelled, "I'm black and a redhead! I'm the best of both!"

"I'm fucking kidding. Four."

"Um... okay? F-five..."

"Eight." Les beeped, "Eleven in total. Moving on-"

"Eight isn't between one and five, you dipshit." Chris said, "Besides, four, five and eight make seventeen!"

"You're wrong. I'm the perfect robot, I cannot be incorrect."

"Four, five, and three make eleven." Tom noted.

"Fine, three. Is that it?"

"Uh..." Chris said, "Think so. Dare we add it up?"

"No need." Les said, "I can calculate it-"

"Um, no." Tom snickered as she tapped away at her phone, "Lemme calculate it, m'kay?"

"No, I can do it-"

"I agree with Tom." Chris said as he suddenly gagged, "God, that hurt to say."

"Okay." Tom said, "Grizzlies have 34. Calculating Eagles, just wait..."

"You see?"

"No..." Les beeped, "They got 42.7."

"Listen, not once was a decimal in there, ya hunk of junk..."

"Eagles got 50!" Tom yelled, "Right on the dot! They win!"

The Eagles started cheering, leaving the Grizzlies to groan.

"Heck yeck!" Retro yelled, "I mean heah yeah! I mean FUCK-"

"Pfft, guess we all know who's fault it is." Tiffany grumbled, "Fuck you, Emile..."

* * *

Claude knocked on the door to the ladies bathroom. Three knocks, just like he always does.

"Emile? You in there?"

He frowned, knocking again.

"Listen, Soren and I have been looking everywhere, and this is the last place you could be. Please come out."

Claude hit the door harder this time, loudly knocking.

"Emile, don't make us have to go in the girl bathroom." Soren gagged, "God, we're not perverts. Do I resemble Hades at all?"

"Go away." Emile grumbled from inside the bathroom, "Leave me alone."

"Guess we have to go in..."

Soren sighed as Claude opened the door, letting them both in.

"Huh." Claude noted, "Cleaner than the dude's room."

"Emile?" Soren said, "Where are ya?"

The sound of vomiting suddenly echoed throughout the bathroom. Soren and Claude shared a quick horrified glance, then dashed to the stall that the noise was coming from.

Emile was hunched over the toilet, vomiting her guts out.

"Oh, shit." Soren stammered, "You okay?"

"D-do I look okay?" Emile gargled, "Go away."

She loudly groaned, her head in the toilet.

"Shhh..." Claude said as he gently patted her back, "We don't want you to die, Emile. We care. Don't let Tiffany get to you, she's just an asshole. Soren, hold her hair back or something, please."

"No, no, no..." Emile groaned, "Don't need it. Done. Totally..."

Emile's actions betrayed her words as she vomited again. Soren quickly scooped up Emile's hair and took it out of her face so she wouldn't vomit on it again. He cringed at the vomit that was covering it, staining his gloves.

"You think we don't care, huh?" Soren chuckled, "I'm holding your vomit-covered hair, I wouldn't do that if I didn't like ya."

"S-sorry..."

"Shhhh." Claude said, "It's no problem. Is this just stress vomit, or are you sick on top of that?"

"Yes, yes, and also got hit in the face too much."

"...Wait, what?!"

Claude suddenly grabbed Emile by the shoulders and hauled her head out of the toilet, inspecting her face. Her nose was bleeding, the blood mixing with her bile into a disgusting hue.

"Who did this to you?!"

"Heh..." Emile chuckled woozily, "Me. Physical pain distracts from the mental pain..."

"So you punched yourself in the face?!"

"Rammed it into the wall a couple times too... I'm kind of a mess..."

Emile coughed loudly as she dunked her head back in the toilet.

"Want me to get a tissue?" Soren said.

"It's fine..." Emile grumbled, "Everything is peachy..."

"...So, how often do you do this? Hurt yourself, I mean."

"Heh."

"Listen, this isn't a laughing matter, be honest."

"Is every other day a g-good enough answer?"

"Emile." Claude said, "You're burning up. Want me to take off your jacket for you?"

Emile replied to that with more vomit, shaking and shuddering from all the bile.

"...I'm taking it off. Soren, help me."

"Got it."

Combining their efforts, they somehow managed to slowly take off Emile's jacket, taking her head out of the toilet for a second just to put it over her head.

They both cringed as they stared at Emile's arms, covered in a mishmash of scars of varying age.

"You do that too?" Soren sighed, "Emile, what the hell..."

"Listen." Claude said gently, "You don't deserve this. It's better to talk out the anguish instead of hurting yourself like this. We love you, Emile, and we'd both be sad to see you go."

He gently patted her back as she continued crying and vomiting into the toilet.

"We love you, okay?" Soren said, "We're always gonna listen, promise."

"You ready to get cleaned up? Vomit isn't your colour."

Emile groaned as she slowly managed to stand up, vomit and blood trickling down her front.

"T-thank you..." She muttered, "I don't deserve y'all..."

* * *

Lina sighed, alone in the girl's trailer. Yeah, she won, and she should be happy, but...

Maybe she should get Nate to wipe that particular part of her database.

The door opened, and Ushra walked in. Just her luck.

"Yo." She said, "How you doing, Lina?"

"Feeling... melancholic."

"Ah."

Ushra sat next to Lina. Lina shifted awkwardly, knowing exactly what she wanted to say, but unable to tell if Ushra would want to hear it.

"I'm still sorry."

"For...?"

"Not getting there in time."

"Nah..." Ushra chuckled, "You did your best, lion. You haven't been telling people, right? I lied right to Retro's face and..."

"Told Nate."

"Of course, you two are always near each other. It's honestly cute."

"Oh. So, I noticed you never came back. Was that just because of the trauma, or...?"

"Family moved to Alberta."

"Huh... Right across the country?"

"Work opportunities. Alberta was booming! It's died down a little, but still."

"Neat!"

Ushra slowly got up and walked to the door.

"One last thing: Thank you." She said, "I wouldn't be able to handle being dead, just rotting in one spot for all eternity."

* * *

Quyen grumbled loudly as she leaned against the trailer's back wall. Gala was furiously scribbling in her notebook.

"Aye..." She said, "We on the choppin' block! T'is a disgrace!"

"No, this is a good thing!" Gala chuckled, "It's an opportunity to prove early that we're worth partnering up with to Emile! With her comes Soren and Claude! Five ton alliance!"

"So... who we gonna order to help?"

"Ace."

"...But why though?"

"Because it'll be easy! Flatter her singing, she'll be eating out of the palm of our hands!"

"Yar, sounds kinky. I'm in."

Gala blushed in embarrassment, putting her face in her hands.

"Is everything sex to you?!" She yelled, "Why?"

"It really is though." Quyen shrugged, "Sex be me job, sex be me hobby, sex be me life."

"How can sex be your job?"

"Gala. Think."

* * *

Meanwhile, in Gala's brain, a bunch of mini-Galas were sitting at a board meeting.

"Listen!" The head Gala said, "We need to think long and hard about this! How can Quyen have sex as a job?!"

"Um, sir?" A weaselly little Gala said, "We should tone it back on the thinking..."

"Whatever do you mean, me?!"

"Look..."

The Gala pointed out a window, showing more Galas pushing around a turnstile, all on fire.

"My god!" The head Gala screeched, "The effort! It's too much, they're all on fire!"

All the Galas screamed and cried as the building they were in caught fire, the flames quickly engulfing them all, claiming lives and scarring many.

"Oh..." One Gala said amongst the chaos, "She's a prostitute! ...MY ASS IS STILL ON FIRE, THOUGH!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in the real world, smoke was wafting out of Gala's ears as she stared blankly ahead.

"Gala?" Quyen said, "Y-ye okay? It's been five minutes, you're just starin' ahead! Gala? Gala! Gala?! Why must ye go where I cannot follow?!"

"Quyen...?" Gala mumbled.

"Thank the heavens above, you're back! Yar, dear?"

"You're a prostitute. What the fuck."

"Yar, babe. Want a discount?"

"You're underage."

"Fake ID."

Gala sighed.

"Anyways, Ace'll be eating out of the palm of our hands."

"Still kinky."

* * *

Mack grumbled as he leaned against a tree, the shade providing relief from the hot sun.

"Where is she?" He said, "I've been waiting..."

He jumped as Zipp suddenly poofed next to him.

"Hi-ho, Macksie~!" Zipp chirped, his tone coming off as more malicious than friendly, "How are you doing? What are you doing? Why didn't you invite me~?"

"I'm doing nothing, okay?! Leave me alone."

Thorns dug into Mack's chin as Zipp grabbed his face with his vines, bringing him closer.

"Aw, what happened to your chipper attitude?" Zipp asked, "You sad because your **girlfriend** is taking a long time to get her telescope? You wanna hang out together until the stars come out, Mack? You wanna listen to your little space princess gush about the cosmos, telling stories that you really can't follow, but you try to anyways because you love her? Is that it, Mack...?"

"She isn't my girlfriend!" Mack yelled, "And... wait. How did you know all that?"

"I know a lot of things about you, Mack. I watch your videos daily. I've been studying your every move."

"Okay, remind me to find your account and block you."

"Pfft, you'll be singing a different tune later, honey."

Mack felt an uneasy feeling rise in his stomach with that sentence.

"What do you mean?"

"Simply put, Mack:" Zipp said darkly, "You're going to love me, whether you like it or not. Nothing will ever stand in my way, I'll destroy every single person on this planet if I have to."

"And I gave you an Epic Dude Hug." Mack gagged, "Ew."

"Listen. You know why the chicken crossed the road? To get to the other side. What is that other side? Hell. The chicken got run over because the farmer sent the chicken across the road, and what I'm saying is that you're forcing Ushra onto that road and I'm gonna be the one to drive that fucking car. I will send her straight to hell if I have to. The worst part is that I don't have to! You're forcing this on me! I gave you chance after chance..."

Sweat ran down Mack's nervously shaking face as Zipp started chuckling.

"Stop digging her grave, Macksie." Zipp said, "Actions have consequences."

Zipp suddenly teleported away, leaving Mack to let out a shaky sigh of relief. Holy shit, what a creepshow. Someone should make a .EXE game based on Zipp, it would be the only legitimately scary .EXE in existence.

"Sorry I'm late!" Ushra yelled as she ran up to Mack, "I got distracted and-"

She suddenly froze, staring at her empty hands.

"God, fuck!" She yelled, "I forgot the telescope!"

"It's okay." Mack chuckled, "We can get it later, you doof."

"Heh, doof. Coming from Derpy Eyes McGee, that must mean I'm a massive doof."

"You are a doof! A huge doof! The doofiest doof! ...Doof is a funny word."

"Better than you, banana."

Mack blinked in confusion.

"Why am I a banana?"

"Because" Ushra winked, "I find you a-peel-ing."

Red is a wonderful colour, honestly. Very bright, makes anything gorgeous. By this logic, Mack's face was gorgeous, considering how much he was blushing as he fainted, hitting the ground painfully.

"Oh." Ushra said, "Oh my god."

Ushra gently nudged Mack with her foot, cringing when he didn't react.

* * *

Ace grunted as she took a drag of her cigarette, blowing smoke. She muttered some discordant tune under her breath, completely off key.

"Nice tune." Gala said, suddenly right next to Ace.

"Wha-"

Quyen and Gala cringed as Ace fell to the ground, hitting her head on a tree.

"Fuck!" Ace screeched as she grabbed her head, "Holy shit, fucking jesus goddamn holy shit fuck-"

"Oh shit!" Quyen yelled, "Gala, what did you do?!"

"Oh..." Gala said, "Oh dear..."

Gala leaned over to pet Ace's head.

"Shhhhh... we came over to compliment your singing, we think you're great. Please vote for Tiffany. We love you. Sorry."

She ran off, sweating. Quyen sighed as she stared at Ace, who was still screaming.

"Vote for Tiff, not Trump."

Ace continued screaming, even as Chris' voice echoed though the speakers, enveloping the set in his godawful tone.

"Stagehands~!" He snickered, "It's time to vote! Suffer with us! Pain and misery!"

* * *

Tom growled as she fiddled with her tuxedo, fidgeting on stage. Chris ruffled her hair mockingly, which made her even madder.

"Grizzlies." Chris said, "Me and Tom are disappointed in ya."

"Um..." Tom added, "No, I'm not? I liked pretty much everything you did!"

"Pfft, they were all shit. Anyways, just fucking vote now, okay? You know the drill."

* * *

 **Confessional:** Tomato. Why not?

 **Julian:** ...Xerxes. I'm sorry, but...

 **Tiffany:** Emile fucked us over! She deserves to-

 **Ace:** Fuck, still dizzy. Face gone. Where... where am I, it's Ace probably. Red. Red everywhere.

 **Mack:** Can Zipp just die already? Please?

 **Soren:** Tiffany, duh~! Me and Claude agreed that we would take care of Emile! You know, stalk her and shit so she can't hurt herself! Getting rid of Tiff is the first step.

* * *

"Les!" Chris screamed, "Bring me the results!"

Les' gears loudly creaked as he floated onto the stage with an envelope.

"Pain." He droned, "Where is the FUCK?"

"Yadda-yadda." Chris sneered as he grabbed the envelope, "Less annoyance when you're gone, honestly!"

He raised an eyebrow in confusion as he stared at the votes.

"Who voted for Ushra? Are you confused?"

Mack scowled as he glared at Zipp.

"Anyways." Chris sighed, "Claude, Julian, Quyen, Soren, Gala, Mack, Idalene. Y'all had no votes! Be happy!"

"Who did the voting?" Ace gurgled, "What's a vote? Who am I?"

"You're Ace." Tiffany scoffed.

"But I voted for Ace how is this pos-"

"Shut up." Chris said, "Anyways, Ace and Zipp are also safe, so..."

He glared at Xerxes, Emile, and Tiffany.

"You three suck at statue making." He sneered, "You know, you three are really popular, wonder if this situation's gonna make some guys angry..."

Xerxes sweated nervously as Chris dramatically pointed at him.

"Xerxes." He boomed, "You're good. Relax, kid."

Tiffany cringed as Emile loudly gagged, threatening to vomit.

"Oh-ho~!" Chris giggled, "Bout to vomit, eh?"

Emile feebly nodded her head, her face turning green.

"Well... guess I can relieve that by saying you're safe. Tiffany's gone as hell!"

"Thank you!" Emile shouted, "Oh my god!"

"Wait, what?!" Tiffany screeched, "You fucker! Recount! I demand a recount!"

"If it's any consolation," Tom said, "You weren't last!"

Tiffany twitched violently, silently staring ahead.

"I mean, you get to go onto the Aftermath! I'm hosting!"

"One thing." Tiffany whispered shakily, "I have one thing I wanna do."

"Oh, and that is...?"

Tiffany smirked as she took off her top.

"What are you doing?!" Chris said, "You-"

"IF I'M GOING TO HELL" Tiffany screamed as she stripped, "I'M TAKING Y'ALL FUCKERS WITH ME!"

Tiffany threw her bra aside, which landed on Claude's head.

"Why." He sighed.

Chris covered Tom's eyes as Tiffany ran away in the nude, screaming loudly.

"I..." Tom said, "I saw boobies."

"...Someone get Chef. Grizzlies, you're dismissed."

"How can anyone be dismissed after that?"

"Easily."

The Grizzlies all awkwardly eyed each other (except for Claude, who still had the bra on his head and was silently crying) as they stood up slowly.

* * *

Xerxes and Julian were walking back to their trailer, Xerxes grumbling lowly under his breath.

"People voted for me..." He grunted, "Who would do that? Jitterbug, am I not lovable? I put all my effort into being lovable, is it all for naught?"

"Uh..." Julian stammered, "I love you?"

"...Thanks. Glad I can count on you, Jitterbug."

Julian sweated awkwardly as Xerxes grabbed his hand, swinging it along as he walked. Surprisingly warm.

Xerxes chuckled, which heightened the awkwardness for Julian. He picked at his collar as the betrayal he befell upon Xerxes hung over him.

"Heh..." Julian said, "Yeah."

* * *

"So." Ushra said to Mack, "How was it?"

Mack's signature lazy eye twitched heavily as he remembered Tiffany's tits. Her tit-fanys, if you will.

"Tiffany stripped." He choked out, "It was hell."

"Oh." Ushra said with a confused tone, "Wait, what? Um... okay, nevermind, let's just look at the stars! I brought my telescope!"

Ushra grinned widely as she unfolded her telescope which was, despite how beat up Ushra and everything she owned was, completely and utterly in mint condition.

"Hey." She said, "You can use it first!"

Mack looked through the telescope at the night sky, staring at all the stars above. Hundreds of bright stars littered the sky, but seeing them closer through the telescope was amazing.

"They're better up close. Thousands upon thousands of stars, circling around you brightly as the roam the cosmos, seeing things most people never see."

"Can you take me there? Y'know, in your ship?"

"After the competition." Ushra winked, even though Mack couldn't see it, "Promise. I never break a promise."

"R-Really?"

"Sure, why not? I trust ya, I love ya, it's all good."

She grabbed Mack's hands from behind, redirecting his view.

"Here, lemme show you some really good ones."

* * *

Victor grumbled angrily, starting to lose the feeling in his legs. Blue, that retard, decided to "hang out" with him, which quickly devolved into Blue unknowingly pinning him under her, sitting on his legs while she played her stupid game. The grass was gonna stain his clothes, holy fuck.

"...And it's like, what the hell?" Blue continued to ramble on, "Why is dragon so OP? I mean, fairy happened, but..."

"Listen, retard." Victor growled, "You gonna get your fat ass off of me or what?"

Blue suddenly stopped dead in her tracks, realizing what she was doing.

"Oh, Vicky!" She shouted as she stood up, "Sorry!"

Not being able to get up because his legs were still numb, Victor seethed as he laid on the grass, Blue still patting herself off in front of him.

Y'know, from this angle, he had a great view of her ass...

Victor mentally slapped himself. God, that's disgusting, don't fuck the retard. Standards, Victor, standards.

How unfair is it that the retard has a nice ass? Why don't any of the girls have that? I mean, attach it to someone better and less... ugly, and...

Who would be a better choice? Katana? Nah, she's scarred as shit and looks like someone fried her. God.

Speaking of fried, Emile would be shit too. Flat as a board and literally burnt instead of it being a metaphor for race.

Deedee's gone, so it really doesn't matter, but she was in the same boat as Blue. Or, y'know, bus. Short bus. Ha.

Ushra's a gross and bloody cripple, who fucking needs that?!

It's obvious, but never Lina. She's Blue, but with metal instead of fat. Can robots be retards? If so, that's her.

Skippy is a disgusting... _thing._ Moving on.

Retro's a kid and a chink, nobody needs that. She's hotter than her sister, but that's not hard to accomplish.

Cyclopses aren't hot. Someone should tell that to Ace.

Lesbians are gross, and thus Quyen is gross. She was already gross, considering her nappy hair, but she goes beyond.

Gala... is okay, actually. Who knew. Little bit too bitchy, but whatever.

Tiffany's in the same boat, only her bitchiness is beyond what Gala could accomplish ever. God, she should die.

Victor felt himself gag as he thought about Idalene. Gross.

Yahto? Please, is Yahto even a girl?

God, overall, everything is shit. Victor was expecting the chicks to be ugly, but... this is a little much.

"Vicky?" Blue said, "You okay? You've been on the ground for a while! You need help?"

"Fuck off and die, Blue." Victor grunted, "God, you're obnoxious."

"Oh..."

* * *

Yahto leaned on the door to the confessional, thinking about stuff. What kinda stuff was unknown, but let it be known that it was nothing important.

...Okay, it was about Retro and Katana, I lied. I'm a liar. God forbid! Do I have to narrate everything?!

She sighed as she thought, wondering what to do about the duo.

Retro was cool, and Katana was too at times, but Katana was a little... bitchy?

No, no, bitchy was too sexist. She's overprotective, that's all, no harm in that. Yahto would do the same if she had any siblings.

She perked up. Can she have a sibling? Maybe her dads could go adopt a kid instead of doing the do with some random lady like they did with her...

Holy shit, that would be so cool! She could teach them how to do everything and be the cool older sister they probably never had!

Yahto broke out of her thoughts as Emile walked up to her.

"Hey." Emile said, "Can I use the c-confessional? I mean, i-if that's alright with you?"

"Nah, no prob." Yahto chuckled, "What, you gonna confess something awful?"

Emile froze, face going pale as sweat ran down her face.

"H-how did y-you know?"

"I..." Yahto bluffed, "I know everything, you're like an open book. God, stop hiding, Emile."

"E-everything?!" Emile whimpered, "I didn't mean for it t-to happen, I swear! I just w-wanted people to see h-how mean she is, b-but I didn't mean to make my entire team l-lose! Tiffany's gone, b-but..."

Yahto felt pity as Emile started to tear up.

"Please d-don't tell anyone. Soren and Claude w-would ditch me."

"They wouldn't." Yahto said, "I've seen you two around, they really care about you."

"...How much do you k-know about me?"

"Eh, not much beyond the sabotage." Yahto chuckled, "But I'll figure it out eventually, so it's better to tell me your secrets."

"I KILLED A MAN ONCE." Emile yelled, "O-OKAY YOU ALREADY K-KNEW THAT, BUT I ALSO U-UNIRONICALLY STILL ENJOY HOMESTUCK, I THOUGHT GANGHAM STYLE WAS A LEGITIMATELY GOOD S-SONG AND I STILL DO, I HAVE A C-CRUSH ON SOREN AND CLAUDE, AND-"

"Wait!" Yahto yelled, "I was kidding! ...Oi, you have a crush on Soren and Claude?"

"My standards are l-low... I mean, n-not that I'm implying t-that they're trash!"

Yahto grabbed the bridge of her nose and sighed.

"Emile, just go. I can't handle bearing these secrets."

"Ah-ha... Sorry..."

* * *

 **Confessional:** Emile, no.

 **Yahto:** Goddammit, Emile.

 **Emile:** Yahto, I saw you come in here and I heard you say 'Goddammit, Emile.' Why bother going into the confessional? Why?

* * *

Tom pulled on Chris's shirt, grinning widely.

"Chris!" She said, "I saw boobies!"

"Yes." Chris groaned, "And so did literally everybody else."

"Also, there were statues! Uh... but will our stagehands ever get artistically inclined? Also, will Zipp ever just bugger off and die? Will Xerxes ever stop being hilarious?"

"FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON TOTAL DRAMA ACTION REPLAY" Chris screamed, "YOU FUCKNUGGET, DOING MY INTRO FOR ME, GOD-"


	7. Aftermath Comes Science Class

Backstage was surprisingly quiet, considering that it was soon gonna be showtime.

Tom stared at herself in the makeup room's mirror, sweat running down her face as she shook nervously. She readjusted her scarf for the millionth time and sighed.

"O-okay, Tom..." She said to herself, "You can do this... You were s-specifically hired for this job, y-you can do this..."

She grabbed at her head and groaned, taking care not to mess up her hair. The intern who did it wouldn't like having their hard work ruined.

Bile pushed up Tom's throat as she gagged nervously. Oh god, oh god, oh god, she had to stand out there in front of all those people...

"Ms. Maria?"

Tom perked up at the sound of her name and turned to the door, seeing another intern, one with a clipboard, peeking in.

"Y-yeah?" Tom stammered, trying her hardest to remain composed, "I-Is it almost time?"

"You're on in three." The intern said, "Doing okay?"

A mild chuckle came from Tom, which evolved into full blown laughter.

"Nope!" Tom said, "I'm gonna die!"

"Listen, honey..."

"If I'm lying, then I'm crying! A-and if I'm crying, then I'm _dying!_ "

"You'll be fine, now get out there."

Tom felt like the entire world was gonna crash in on her as the intern gently grabbed her hand and led her onstage.

"Good luck."

"T-thank you."

With a forced grin, Tom walked onstage while the intro music played and sat on her hosting couch. The sound of the cheering crowd made her uneasy, but overall it was... _pleasant._

"Hey, hey, hey!" She yelled, "How are you guys today? It's Tom, and today I'll be going behind the scenes in the Total Drama Action Replay Aftermath! Wow, that's a mouthful..."

She smiled again, more genuine this time, as she pressed a button on the couch's arm, displaying some highlights from the show on the flatscreen behind her.

"Great start, huh?" Tom said, "I thought so! These guys are some brand of really interesting! Or... just plain weird. But, not everybody can win! So, let's all gather around to interview the losers! That's right, we'll-"

The crowd cheered, drowning her out. Tom looked to see that Tiffany was walking onstage with a cocky smirk.

"Loser, huh?" Tiffany sneered, "Say that to my face, faggot!"

"What are you doing?!" Tom said, "It's not your turn yet, come on-"

Tom sighed as Tiffany plopped on the couch next to her, putting her feet on Tom's legs.

"I'm taking over!" Tiffany said with a haughty tone, "This loser show needs my excellence!"

"Um, no."

"C'mon, you assfuck! I thought you were a nice kid!"

The crowd oohed, making Tom grunt with frustration.

"There's a difference between being nice and a doormat. I'm not a doormat, and I'm not giving up my job for you!"

"Pfft, asshole."

"Says you!"

"Listen, fuckwad, at least let me co-host!"

"Please, no."

"Too fucking bad."

Tom sighed as Tiffany laughed loudly.

"Ugh." Tom grunted, "Fine. He's a redhead from Manitoba, he's a creeptastic creep of creepiness, and he came in at 26th! Everybody give it up for Hades!"

The crowd was surprisingly quiet as Hades walked onstage.

"Huh." He said, "Tough crowd."

He sat down on his interviewee's sofa, kicking his feet up.

"Really nice joint. I love it."

"First things first." Tom chuckled, "State your full name."

"Mickey Finn."

"Unfortunate." Tiffany yawned, "His name is literally a roofie. Fits his gross pervert persona."

"Oh, what?" Hades snarled, "Just because I wanna get lucky means I'm a perv?"

"Yes."

"Well, let it be known I never once wanted to fuck you. You may be semi-pretty, but I have standards. Also you're a lesbian, so-"

"I am not a lesbian!" Tiffany screeched, "I'm straight as an arrow!"

"Straight as a rainbow, more like..."

"Okay, stop." Tom said, "First off, your name is Mickey? Why do you go by Hades?"

"I'm not a mouse." Hades chuckled, "Besides, just prefer Hades."

"Not a mouse, eh? Well, that's definitely true." Tiffany snickered, "You're a rat!"

"Fuck right off!"

"Tiffany, stop." Tom said, "Anyways, Hades, you ever gonna favour romance over getting lucky?"

Hades furrowed his brow, "I'm aromantic."

"Oh."

"Aromantic bisexual, actually."

"Oh..."

"Ha." Tiffany snickered, "You're a faggot."

"Takes one to know one!" Hades yelled.

"Oh my god." Tom sighed, "Please stop, both of you."

"This is stupid. My name is Hades, I like cereal without milk, I probably fucked your mother, and heterophobia isn't real. Peace!"

Hades stuck his arms up and dabbed as he walked off the stage.

"Hades." Tom sighed, "You need to sit in the peanut gallery."

Hades continued dabbing as he walked across the stage and sat in the peanut gallery.

"Anyways. He's a biker from Ontario, he's had relations with a bike, and he came in at 25th! Everybody give it up for Walter!"

Walter grinned as people clapped and cheered for him during his walk to the couch. He plopped down happily.

"He gets applause and I don't?!" Hades yelled, "All he did was fuck a bike and look hot!"

"All you did was try to fuck things and fail!" Walter yelled back, "...Wait, you think I'm hot?"

"...Everybody is hot..."

"Oh."

"Okay, whatever." Tom sighed, "State your full name."

"Walter Harley. Uh... why?"

"Something to always start on, have a bit of routine."

"Pfft, fucking fine then."

"That's retarded." Tiffany sneered.

"Did I ask?" Tom grunted, "Anyways, Walt, why do you like your bike so much?"

Walter's eyes brightened at the mention of his bike.

"Clarice is a beautiful woman!" He gushed, "Oh, she's so fast and strong and she can do so much and I love her!"

"That's... That's actually cute."

"Well, Clarice is cute, so it fits!"

"She's a fucking motorcycle." Tiffany gagged, "Clarice doesn't have feelings, dumbass."

"You wanna say that to my face?" Walter snarled, "I'll beat you into the dirt, motherfucker!"

"Okay, okay." Tom said, exasperated, "Can we see you without your helmet?"

"Sure!"

Walter took off his helmet and shook his head, letting his long dark hair fall down his back.

"Wow!" Walter chuckled, wiping the sweat off his brow, "Been a while since I had this off! Really stuffy in there! ...I need a fucking haircut."

"No you don't!" Hades yelled from the peanut gallery, only to instantly grab his face in realization, "Fuck, I shouldn't have said that!"

"Dude." Tom said, "Why's your hair so long?"

"I never take off my helmet, duh?"

"Huh. Anyways, time for you to join the peanut gallery!"

"No!" Hades screamed, only to cover his mouth again, "Fuck!"

Walter shrugged as he walked over to the peanut gallery and plopped down next to Hades, who blushed profusely.

"Hey." Walter said, "I know I'm purple, but why are you all red~?"

"FUCK OFF."

"Wow, rude."

Tom shrugged off this situation, and continued.

"She's a weirdo from... somewhere?" Tom said, "Uh, she has next to no info about her on our files, and she likes squirrels? I guess? Coming in at 24th, give it up for Deedee!"

Deedee awkwardly shuffled across the stage as mild applause came from the audience. She sat down on the couch properly, folding her hands and laying them on her lap politely.

"Sorry." She said.

"Uh..." Tom replied, "For what?"

"For being a big fucking mistake, duh!" Tiffany sneered.

"True." Deedee sighed.

"Oh, honey..." Tom said, "You're not a mistake. Anyways, please state your full name."

"Deedee."

"No, your full name."

"Deedee."

"...Is that your only name?"

Deedee nodded gently.

"What's up with you?" Tiffany grunted, "Why are you so fucking strange?"

"I see e-everything." Deedee whispered.

"...What do you see?"

Deedee's already pale skin went paler as she thought.

"Death." She choked out, "I failed you."

"Um..." Tom said, "You failed who?"

"Everybody. I could've stopped it."

"Stopped what?"

Tom trailed off as Deedee started crying, sobbing into her hands, fat tears rolling and falling onto her lap.

"Deedee." Tom whispered, "You're not a failure."

"Depends on who ya ask." Tiffany yawned.

"Stop!"

"God, is it my turn yet?"

"No! Deedee, who's dying?"

Deedee continued to sob loudly, unable to reply.

"Pfft, yeah." Tiffany scoffed, "Watching this retard cry is way more interesting than interviewing me."

"Just stop!"

"Can't continue." Deedee said, "Sorry."

Deedee shuffled into the peanut gallery, plopping her head onto the table.

"And what did I say?" Tiffany sneered.

"Ugh..." Tom groaned, "She's a meanie from Newfoundland, she made people cry, and she's really egotistical! Everybody give it up for-"

"That's not good enough."

Tom stared blankly at Tiffany, eye twitching furiously.

"Excuse me?"

"It's not good enough, dumbass." Tiffany said with a condescending tone, "Now, why don't you make a better introduction, hmm?"

With a deep breath in and a deep breath out, Tom silently counted to three on her fingers in some futile attempt to remain calm.

"Fine." Tom said, "She's a pathetic waste of space from Newfoundland who hides all her flaws behind a mean persona, insulting everybody to make up for her low self-esteem! She's a lesbian-in-denial who thinks that being offensive will automatically make her straight, and she's dead wrong like she _always_ is! She wears a crown despite being the queen of nothing beyond being low-class trash! Everybody, give it up for Tiffany!"

The crowd remained silent in shock as Tiffany processed what had happened.

"You..." She stammered, "You f-fucker. That's not f-funny."

"Listen, babydoll." Tom sneered. "Maybe next time you'll think about how funny it is to us whenever you insult people, huh? Not so funny when you're on the other side, huh?"

"Don't fucking call me that."

"Babydoll, babydoll, babydoll."

Tom trailed off as tears ran down Tiffany's face.

"Ooo!" Hades chuckled, "First day, and already two people have cried!"

"Shut the f-fuck up, you... uterus!" Tiffany snapped, still stammering, "I'm not crying!"

"Then why are there tears, honey~?"

"B-because..."

Tiffany suddenly dashed offstage, leaving a bewildered Tom behind.

"W-wait!" Tom yelled, "Come back!"

"Pfft." Walter said, "Really fucked up, huh?"

Tom growled at Walter as she got up and followed Tiffany offstage, navigating the unfamiliar offstage until she made her way to the place where the interns messed with the power. The power room? It wasn't as much as a room as it was a corner, switches lining the wall and cords covering the floor. It was kind of a safety hazard...

"Tiffany?" She said gently, "You here?"

"Go away."

It was so dark in that corner, yet another safety hazard, that Tom barely noticed Tiffany sitting against the wall, facing it. She gently crouched down to put herself on her level, patting her back.

"I'm sorry." Tom whispered, "I was a jerk and-"

"Stop. I deserved it." Tiffany replied, voice raspy from crying, "I really am just a waste of space."

Tiffany froze as Tom gently hugged her.

"Nobody is a waste of space, especially not you."

"I..."

"I believe in you, okay? Please stop being mean to everyone, you have so much more potential and I would love to see it."

Tiffany remained silent, thinking of what to say.

"You don't hate me?"

"It's impossible for me to hate anyone, really." Tom said, "The furthest I can go is dislike, but I could never dislike you. You're... confused."

"Wow, rude."

"Still, I believe you can be the nicest person if you try..."

Tiffany gently chuckled as she wiped away her tears.

"T-thanks." She said, "You're too kind."

"I try." Tom replied with a gentle smile, "You wanna continue the interview, though?"

"Out here, please."

"Sure. She's a cutie from Newfoundland! She's trying her hardest! She's truly a good person! Everybody give it up for Tiffany! State your full name, please."

Tiffany giggled, turning to face Tom.

"My name is Tiffany Lux." She said, "I know, it's such a white name."

"There's nothing wrong with having a white name. My name is Tom, and I'm not even white!"

"Heh, that really is a white name..."

"Anyways, what's wrong with babydoll?"

Tiffany's smile faded, causing Tom to cringe.

"Bad memories?" Tom whispered, "It's okay, you don't have to reply..."

"Someone who hurt me really bad called me babydoll." Tiffany sighed, "Wish I was over it, but..."

"Hey, you're here now and alive. That means you're strong. You can be affected and feel bad about it, it's okay. Just stay alive."

"That may be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

"I try." Tom said gently, "Anyways, next question: do you promise to stop using slurs? You make everybody extremely uncomfortable."

"I... I'll try."

"Thank you. That's all we can do, try. Do your best, that's the best you can do."

"That sounds familiar..."

"Heh." Tom shrugged, "I might of ab-libbed it from Rolie Polie Olie."

"Pfft, dweeb."

"Anyways, last question! You wanna go back onstage and do the outro with me? Please?"

"I would totally fucking love to do it with you." Tiffany said as she got up, "Just... don't tell anyone this happened, okay? It's embarrassing enough that you of all people made me cry on live TV..."

Tiffany held her hand out for Tom, who gladly accepted it and lifted herself up.

"Promise." Tom giggled, "You're such a doof!"

"Takes one to know one."

They both laughed as they walked back onstage, sitting on the couch together.

"Show's over, guys." Tiffany yawned, "Gonna have to wrap it up."

"Pain." Deedee said, "Show was pain."

"Everything is pain." Hades grunted, "Like when I got mauled by a fucking rat!"

"And I saved you!" Walter winked, "The voting thing never paid off, though..."

"Anyways." Tom said, "It's time to say farewell for now, because we'll see you next time on the Total Drama Action Replay Aftermath, with your lovely hosts Tom and Tiffany!"

"Yeah, that's right." Tiffany sneered as she lifted a leg seductively, "I'm fucking lovely. Looking forward to seeing y'all next time!"

Tom laughed as the lights dimmed, signalling the end of the show as the audience shuffled out of their seats.

"What's with the leg?" Tom snickered, "You a model?"

"I'm just cute, Tomsie." Tiffany replied, "Oh so very fucking cute~!"


	8. It's Only Miner, Don't Worry About It!

_Last time, on the Young and the Replay..._

 _Trauma..._

* * *

Lina fanned herself with her paper fan, grasping at her old-timey pink dress.

"Oh my, Natesy!" She gasped, "I just remembered something awful!"

Nate furrowed his brow, twirling his old-timey mustache that he totally always had, guys.

"And what would that be, sweetcheeks?"

"A damn well tragic backstory, that is!"

"Oh."

"It all started back in 1987..."

"Fucking christ."

* * *

 _Drama..._

* * *

Lina yelped as Tiffany shoved her aside to make way for the next scene.

"Dammit, Emile!" Tiffany yelled, her dress starting to fall off from her angry, erratic movements, "I love you!"

"Wait what." Emile said, still in her green hoodie, "Did I miss something? Why are we in dresses? I l-love dresses..."

"Didn't you hear me?! Follow the fucking script!"

"...What fucking script?!"

Emile cringed as Tiffany slapped her across the face with the script, paper flying everywhere.

"...Ow!"

Suddenly, Gala walked up to the scene in a nice tuxedo and dramatically pointed at Tiffany.

"Ah-ha, evildoer!" She chuckled, "You asshat! Abusing poor Emile like this? Not on my watch! ELIMINATED!"

Tiffany fell to the ground like she was shot or something.

"...Okay." Gala said, "Overreaction."

* * *

 _And also a llama..._

* * *

"Oh hey, guys." Xerxes said as he rode in on the scene on a llama, "This is my llama now. His name is Susan."

"Wait, cut!"

Pennie stormed onto the scene angrily.

"None of this shit happened!" She screeched, "Why are we doing a Young and the Restless parody?! I don't even watch Young and the Restless, what the fuck is it even about!?"

She looked at her phone, eyes widening at what she saw.

"Fuck, we got the tone, genre, setting, and basically everything entirely wrong. Um... that was a failure, everybody, just wrap it up..."

"But..." Xerxes said, "What happened last episode?"

"Ugh... fine. Last time on Total Drama Action Replay, shit went down. You happy?"

Chris stared off into the distance, daydreaming.

* * *

"Chris." Les beeped, "Hello?"

"We gotta do the intro!" Tom yelled, "I think Les is slowly losing it, so he's not gonna be much help..."

"I am perfectly fine, peasant! Give your queen some respect!"

"Uh..."

"After the first two months of the conflict, South Korean forces were on the point of defeat, forced back to the Pusan Perimeter. In September 1950, an amphibious-"

"Uhhhhhh..."

Tom's palm met her face in a swift fashion.

"Last time on Total Drama." Tom sighed, "Tiffany got eliminated because she sucks at statues. I... I don't know."

* * *

"I'm bleeding!" Yahto screamed, "Oh my god, I'm bleeding!"

The girl's trailer was in hysterics as Yahto's nose bled all over her face, dripping onto her shirt and the floor, and at the center of it all was Retro.

"Oh my god, Retro!" Katana yelled, "Don't just punch Yahto in the face! Holy shit!"

"It was jokingly..." Retro sighed.

"Blood!" Yahto yelled, "Oi, what do I do-"

Ushra calmly went to the period preparedness drawer and took out a pad, tossing it to Yahto.

"Pads are designed to absorb blood." She chuckled, "Just shove it on your face-"

"Oi, that's fucking gross! Everything related to periods make me fucking vomit!"

"...Dude, don't ye have periods?" Quyen said, "Yar, yer mad."

"I don't have a uterus." Yahto gagged, "It didn't develop right, and I had to get it removed."

Gala opened her mouth, but Yahto covered it before she could speak.

"No, the fact that I'm asexual has no relation-"

Yahto screeched as Ushra shoved a pad in her face, soaking up the blood.

"Retro?" Katana said, "What did we learn today?"

"Yahto doesn't have a uterus?"

Retro winced as Katana hit the back of her head.

"...What's a uterus?" Lina asked.

The entirety of the trailer stared at Lina, silent.

* * *

"Hey, guys!" Lina chirped as she kicked down the door to the guy's trailer, "I got kicked out!"

Lina stopped and stared at Xerxes, who was poledancing on some random pole that got installed in the trailer somehow. The trailer flashed disco colours as Xerxes stripped and the dudes threw money on him.

"Don't ask." Victor sighed as he lied on his bed, "Please... just don't ask."

"Ohmigosh, Xerxes!" Flam screeched loudly, "I love youuuuuu!"

Julian desperately fanned at his face, sweat running and blush forming as everything went warm.

"Uh..." Nate said nervously, covering his face in shame, "Lina, you should probably leave..."

* * *

"I'm back, girls!" Lina shouted as she went back into the girl's trailer, "I..."

"Not n-now..." Emile said as she accidentally kicked Idalene in the face, "Ah... s-sorry..."

"We're playing Twister!" Ace shouted, cringing when Skippy accidentally elbowed her in the face, "Lina, don't distract us!"

"How do we lose?" Blue said from the bottom of the pile, completely plopped down on the floor, "I think I lost. Are we even playing right?"

Ushra spinned the wheel.

"Okay, right foot on... blue." She said, "Gosh, hope I'm calling this out right..."

"Holy fuck!" Retro yelled as she put her right foot on Blue, much to her dismay, "Ushra's colourblind!"

"Arr..." Quyen groaned, her body about to give in from exhaustion, "Ye be colourblind?!"

"Everybody r-run." Emile gurgled, face turning green, "I'm getting motion s-sickness...!"

All the girls scrambled to run as Emile barfed on the Twister mat, making it borderline impossible to play unless every spin was on green.

* * *

"No, seriously." Lina sighed as she entered the dude's trailer once more, "Please let me-"

Everybody was having a group meditating session, all sitting in the lotus position with the lights dimmed, candles dotting the floor.

"Shhh..." Mack whispered, "I'm finding inner peace."

"I think I just found the cure for cancer by just thinking." Claude added, "Isn't that neat?"

"I've been planning murder!" Zipp chuckled, only to get a slap in the face from Soren.

"Shhhhh!" Soren shushed, "I gotta find my chi, man!"

"This is probably the longest I've sat still." Patrick stammered, shaking uncontrollably, "I-"

Patrick's elbow accidentally met the candle, knocking it over and lighting a bed on fire.

"Ahhhh!" He screamed, "My fucking bed! Holy shit, I-"

Lina slowly backed out of the trailer, closing the door behind her reluctantly. She could still hear the screaming of the boy's trailer, even with the door between them.

"Stagehands!" Chris screamed over the intercom, "I smell smoke! Who's lighting fires?! ...Anyways, not important, just gather outside with me, we got a challenge!"

* * *

All the contestants gathered around a massive hole, Chris bobbing excitedly as Tom stared apprehensively at Les, who was twitching erratically, sparks flying.

"Yeehaw-aw-aw!" Les screamed, the pitch of his voice shifting with each stutter, "We s-s-struck g-g-gold!"

"Is he okay?" Lina asked, "He's... kinda glitching."

"No thanks to you!" Chris sneered, "Stealing his parts!"

"Better him than you." Nate whispered to Lina, "Okay?"

"Okay..."

"Anyways!" Chris said, "Like Les said, we struck gold!"

"We have a mine." Tom sighed, "Don't ask."

"Illegal." Les beeped, "Illegal illegal illegal illegal-"

"Anyways." Chris chuckled as he hit Les, "You'll be digging in the mines for some gold! First team to bring back a gold chunk each wins! Any questions?"

"Yes." Claude said as he rose an eyebrow, "One chunk per team, or one per contestant?"

"Contestant."

"Ah."

"Also!" Blue yelled as she rose her hand, "Isn't this unsafe?"

"Yep!" Chris guffawed, "Highly!"

"He thinks since Les is messed up, he can do whatever he wants." Tom sighed, "This is what I have to put up with, people."

"Arrest..." Les droned as he ran into Tom ineffectually, "Ar-ar-arrest..."

"Anyways!" Chris gestured towards the hole, "Jump in!"

The stagehands stared at the hole, shifting nervously.

"Uh..." Blue whimpered as she peered into the hole, "I'm claustrophobic-"

Blue screamed as Victor kicked her into the hole with a sadistic grin.

"Claustrophobia, huh?!" He sneered, "Here's some fucking irony to go with the revenge sandwich, retard!"

"THIS IS SPARTA!" Mack yelled as he kicked Victor down the hole, "SORRY, BUT THE REFERENCE, MAN!"

He cringed when he didn't hear Victor reply.

"Think I killed him..."

Mack slowly made his way into the hole too.

"...We're not gonna have a fun time, huh?" Gala sighed.

"Oh god!" Gala screeched as some dirt from the ceiling fell on her, "Not a fun time!"

* * *

Quyen and Gala were walking around the mine, dirt everywhere, the hole just barely held up by flimsy steel beams.

"Ye want me to say the dirt quote again?" Quyen chuckled, "Listen, it be harmless, yar?"

"I hate dirt!" Gala whimpered, "Filthy! Leaves stains!"

"Ya want me to hold yer hand?"

"What-"

Gala blushed as Quyen grabbed her hand, her palms rough but somehow also soothing.

"Yar." Quyen said, "Ye got really soft baby hands. Ye moisturize?"

"Often."

"Can't afford it, t'is why me hands be like crocodile skin."

"Huh."

"Kinda in a poor economic state. Yar, I needs to win."

* * *

Emile whimpered as she held onto Claude and Soren, carrying them along.

"Scary c-cave." She whispered, "Scary scary SCARY!"

"Our last cave excursion went smoothly." Claude giggled, "You'll be fine!"

"Bears don't live in mines." Soren said, "So it'll probably be better!"

"Don't worry, we'll protect you!"

Emile gently chuckled at the thought of the little shortstacks she called her friends protecting the massive behemoth that was carrying them.

"T-thanks, guys." Emile whispered, "You're the best."

* * *

"Walls tightening." Blue stammered, "C-closing in..."

Victor grumbled as Blue crushed him in a panicky hug.

"Retard, the only thing tightening is your grip on me."

He groaned loudly as Blue started hyperventilating down his neck, sobbing.

"Dumbass? You gonna fucking stop?"

"N-no..."

"I would ask you to drop me, but I feel like you wouldn't."

"W-why?"

"Because I would fucking backhand you."

* * *

"She's going with me!" Katana sneered as she grabbed her sister's arm, "Sis before... whatever you are."

"Oi, Ret's going with me!" Yahto grumbled as she grabbed Retro's other arm, "I'm cooler."

"You two are so dumb." Flam yawned.

"Can't we just go in a group?!" Retro screamed, "You're gonna rip my arms off!"

She sighed in relief as Yahto and Katana let go of her arms.

"God forbid." She sighed, "Let's go."

Yahto and Katana glared at eachother as they followed Retro down the twisty tunnels.

"Why can't they fight over me...?!" Flam grunted as he followed the group.

* * *

"Aliens are really cool dudes!" Ushra chirped as she skipped down the mines, holding Mack's hand, "You would love the ones in sector 204118..."

Mack grinned as Ushra kept rambling on numbers, somehow able to remember them all. God, what a cutie.

"Really good aliens!" Ushra finished, "Cool as fuck! You would love them! Party all the time!"

"They're probably not as cool as you."

Ushra covered her face in embarrassment as she blushed.

"M-Mack!" She stammered, "I can't take compliments that well, you should know that!"

"I know." Mack chuckled, "Seeing you smile is worth it, though."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"Hey, Ushra, guess what? You're out of this world!"

"SHUT UP OR I MIGHT JUST KISS YOU"

"If you're out of this world, does that make you a star? Heh-"

Mack's face flushed as Ushra grabbed him by his neckerchief, forcing her lips against his. Soft.

"Whoops." Ushra panted sheepishly as she broke the kiss, "Sorry."

"U-uh..."

* * *

 **Confessional:** OOOOOOO BABY

 **Ushra:** I AM AN AWFUL AND ALSO HORNY PERSON

 **Mack:** I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT, THE TASTE OF HER CHERRY CHAPSTICK- except her chapstick was probably banana and I'm not a lesbian.

* * *

"Uh, Mack?" Ushra said with a concerned tone, "Y-you okay?"

"Pretty lady..." Mack said woozily, "So very pretty..."

Mack quickly broke out of his woozy state as Zipp poofed between the duo, shoving them apart.

"Break it up, you two!" Zipp yelled, "Public decency laws! God!"

Zipp grumbled as he poofed away again.

"Killjoy." Ushra said.

"The joy has been killed." Mack added.

"Absolutely murdered."

"Tragic."

* * *

Skippy screamed as she punched the mine walls, trying to dig for gold.

"I am Skippy!" She screamed, "I'm rough! I'm tough! I main Jigglypuff!"

"Pikachu is better." Blue said as he walked by, Victor in her arms.

"...Anyways."

The mine walls cracked and shattered with each heavy punch, the rocks crumbling into dust as Skippy violently attacked it.

"Gonna find gold!" She yelled, "I will find gold!"

With a loud crack, the wall crumbled, revealing Ace on the other side.

"Oh hey, Ace." Skippy said calmly, "How ya doing?"

"...You sure that's safe?"

"ANSWER MY FUCKING QUESTION."

"FEELING UNSAFE BECAUSE YOU'RE PUNCHING DOWN WALLS."

"FUCKING SORRY!"

"IT'S OKAY!"

 **"NO, IT'S NOT!"**

 **"IT IS!"**

* * *

Idalene grinned widely as she dug through the dirt.

"Found it!" She said giddily, "I found it!"

Patrick stopped wandering around when Idalene yelled that, walking towards her.

"Found gold already?" He said.

"No!" Idalene replied as she pulled out an odd-looking rock, "It's fossilized dinosaur shit!"

She plopped the fossil into Patrick's hand with a grin.

"You can keep it!"

"...Okay?"

* * *

 **Confessional:** M'kay...

 **Patrick:** Huh. I don't care for shit, but... this is a kinda touching present. Keeping it.

 **Idalene:** That fossil would go for way more money than you would expect, honestly, so Patrick better fucking cherish that mound of old dinosaur shit.

* * *

Nate looked around nervously as he held onto Lina's paw, slowly going deeper and deeper into the ever darker tunnels.

"Lina?" He stammered, "You got any lights built into you?"

"Uh..." Lina shrugged, "I dunno. Never need a flashlight in the pizzeria!"

"Can you try?"

"Of course, Natesy~!"

Lina giggled as her eyes illuminated, sending a dim beam of light. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing.

"Lina?" Nate whimpered, "Got a radar or something?"

"...Do I look like a utility knife?"

"Well..."

Nate grumbled lowly as he slouched down in embarrassment.

"I'm afraid we'll find something awful." Nate said, "But considering how new this mine is, literally nothing could be living in here-"

The sound of screeching cut him off, sending a chill down his spine. Lina lifted up her paw, revealing she accidentally stepped on a bat, blood dripping onto the ground.

"Ha..." She laughed nervously, "Literally nothing could be living in here, huh?"

The duo winced in fear as the cave walls illuminated with the eyes of hundreds of angry bats, baring their fangs.

"Natesy?"

"Uh-huh?"

"Should we run?"

"Y-Yeah."

Nate screamed as he ran, dragging Lina behind him as the bats chased after them.

* * *

The caves rumbled, sending a shiver down Mack's spine.

"Ushra?" He said, "You hear that?"

"Yup." Ushra replied, "Guessing these mines are a little, uh, unstable."

"On a scale of one to ten, how fucked would we be if these mines collapsed?"

"You? Ten. Me? Well... twelve. If we separate, I feel like you would drop to around eight, I'm kind of a destruction magnet."

"Pfft." Mack scoffed, "I would never leave you!"

The walls shook as the ceiling fell in, creating a massive wall of dirt between the duo. Mack looked at the wall, sweating at how big it was, no holes giving them a way to reunite.

"Ushra!" Mack yelled, "Can you hear me?!"

"Just barely!" Ushra yelled back, muffled by the wall, "You alright?"

"Yeah! How about you?"

"Rock hit my face and I'm bleeding, but I'm okay! What are we gonna do?!"

Mack bit at his lip as he weighed his options.

"The dirt's too thick to dig through! Besides, I feel like messing with it could bring the whole thing down!"

"You think the tunnels combine at a different spot?"

"I'm counting on it! I'll meet you there, Ushra!"

Ushra and Mack both ran off, unknowingly going in different directions as Ushra went deeper into the tunnels and Mack backtracked.

* * *

"And thus!" Claude said, still in Emile's arms, "There is no animals to worry about in here!"

"What was that?" Soren replied, "I... kinda tuned you out."

"Ugh."

"I l-listened." Emile stammered, "Guess it w-would be stupid for a-animals to be in-"

Emile stopped walking as Lina and Nate ran past them, screaming.

"Run!" Nate screeched, "It's the bats!"

"...Bats?" Claude said, "Wait, what-"

Claude yelped as Emile dropped him and Soren on the cave floor, charging at the flock of bats coming towards them with a loud growl.

"Oh..." Soren said as Emile punched a bat, "Don't tell PETA..."

"This is kinda..." Claude grumbled as Emile swung at a bunch of bats, knocking them down on the ground, "Kinda..."

They both gagged as Emile ripped a bat's head off with her mouth, blood splattering across her face.

"Yeah, okay, Ozzy." Soren said, "You're going a little far-"

Emile screamed victoriously as the remaining bats retreated deeper into the mines.

"That's right!" She yelled, "Don't threaten my friends, you stupid bats!"

"Impressive..." Claude said, "But a little too gross, holy fuck."

"...S-sorry."

"We appreciate the thought." Soren added, "But... next time chase them off. Don't murder them. What could a bat do, honestly?"

"...C-claw your eyes out?"

Claude and Soren shared a quick glance and shrugged.

"True." Claude said, "Thank you, I guess."

Emile quickly picked the duo back up and trekked into the mines, searching for gold.

* * *

"Vicky, I found some!"

Blue kicked at the cave wall, her arms unusable due to her grumpy load. She kicked and kicked until a chunk of gold fell out.

"Lookit, Vicky!" She chirped, "Aren't you proud?"

"You didn't find fuck all." Victor grumbled, "I did."

Blue stared at Victor.

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, it's mine, tard. Give it."

Blue struggled to keep Victor in her arms, him screaming obscenities as she crushed him.

"Can't we at least split it?!"

"Look at how fucking small it is! I couldn't split it if I had a microscope!"

Victor's arm became free, punching Blue right in the face. She recoiled, letting Victor go. He hastily picked up the gold chunk with a smirk.

"That's right!" He sneered, "It's mine! I'm the top dog now, you fucking nig-"

Blue jumped on Victor, making him scream as he was smooshed between a rock and a Blue place. They both rolled around, trying to get the gold chunk.

"Ha!" Victor laughed as he grabbed the chunk, "Okay, now I'm the-"

Victor screeched as Blue sat on his face, her butt crushing his ugly little visage. She snatched the gold chunk back, snickering.

"That was fun, Vicky!" She said, "Let's do it again, m'kay?"

Victor was unable to reply, considering his face was currently smooshed in Blue's assets. A light blush went across his face, much to his dismay.

Who let the retard have a nice ass? Who let her get in a position where it was impossible to ignore?

He sweated heavily as he felt arousal run through his body and out of... _other regions._

"...Vicky, why do you got a boner?"

"I DON'T."

* * *

 **Confessional:** ...Oh my.

 **Blue:** Vicky then escaped from under my butt and ran away! I would care, but he left me the gold chunk!

 **Victor:** AAAAAAAAAAAAA SHIT FUCK GOD FORBID FUCKING-

* * *

Gala lifted her leg up seductively as she posed on a rock, grinning widely.

"Oh yeahhhh!" She shouted.

Quyen grumbled as she dug through the cave floor, rocks and dirt getting under her nails.

"I've said it before and I'll say it again." Quyen snarked, "I adore dirt and am _thrilled_ that you would let me be one with the dirt."

"Well, I look, you dig."

"Is that just an excuse to look at me bum while I dig?"

Gala blushed in embarrassment as she took a quick glance at Quyen's butt.

"N-Non!"

Quyen smirked, "What, you gotta crush on me~?"

Gala covered her face in embarrassment as Quyen gently swayed her butt back and forth.

"Oh my!" Quyen said overdramatically, "My butt yearns for attention~!"

"S-Shut up!"

"Aw, you don't like it~?"

"I..."

Gala slumped down in contemplation.

"Yar, ye wanna go on a date sometime?" Quyen chuckled, "C'mon, it be an offer most people would never refuse, honeybun!"

"...What?" Gala said in astonishment, "Say that... what?"

"Go on a couple dates, be girlfriends if they go smoothly, c'mon!"

Quyen got up and sat next to Gala, grinning wide at her embarrassment.

"Isn't this a little sudden?!" Gala yelled, "I... Quyen?!"

"I, Quyen. Quite an intelligent sentence, yar."

"...I would love to go on a date with you."

Gala blushed as Quyen wrapped an arm around her, laughing loudly.

"Excellent choice, babe!" She winked.

"A-Anyways..." Gala stammered, "Back to digging for you-"

Quyen guffawed as she handed Gala two pieces of gold.

"Please." She said, "I be better than ya think!"

* * *

Ushra grumbled as she slinked through the mines, the entire trek being a straight line with no turns or any way to get back to Mack. She sighed loudly.

"Ugh." She said, "I need to get back to Mack, I'm so bored..."

She sleepily yawned, stretching with it.

"Fuck, I can survive with nobody in space for god knows how long, so why am I so bored right now?!"

Her eyes widened as the linear path made way to a large circular room, tall and wide. It was still a part of the mine, sure, but it seemed like a lot more effort was put in here. She looked around the room. Dead end.

"God." Ushra sighed, "Of course I would go the wrong way..."

Ushra turned around to leave, but the entrance crumbled with a loud growling rumble.

"Oh no!" She yelled, "Isn't this just my fucking luck?! Getting stuck twice!"

"Luck has nothing to do with anything, darling."

She yelped as a vine snared itself around her legs, stabbing thorns into her and halting her. Every struggle just ripped and tore at her flesh. Tears ran down Ushra's face as the thorns dug deeper into her legs.

Ushra growled as Zipp poofed in front of her.

"What's the meaning of this, Zipp?!" She snarled, "This prank's gone a little far, don't you think?!"

"Prank?" Zipp giggled, "Dear, you think this is a prank? Oh, so naive..."

Ushra wound up a punch and went to hit Zipp, but a vine knocked her fist back, entwining it in more vines.

Zipp laughed mockingly as Ushra tried again with her other arm, repeating the entire process again.

"You having fun?" Ushra grumbled, "You gonna stop soon?"

"Stop? Hoo, you're a modern comedian!" Zipp sneered as he grabbed Ushra's chin, forcing her to look at him, "C'mon, I just wanna have some fun! You up for some murder?"

Ushra bit at her lip as the vines around her one good leg tightened.

"You're bluffing."

"Everything happens for a reason, Ushra."

"Is there a reason for why you're bluffing?!"

The vines pulled on her leg, ripping and tearing at the flesh, blood pouring from the wound.

"...Stop." Ushra whined, "Stop, stop, stop, stop-"

She cried out in agony as the vine suddenly jerked, snapping the bone in her leg loudly.

"Okay!" She screamed, "That's enough! You're serious! Um, I'll do a-anything! I-"

With a rough yank, Zipp ripped Ushra's leg off, blood pouring from the stump all over the ground. Ushra panted heavily, sobbing.

"W-Why?"

"Listen." Zipp said gently, "There's nobody to blame but yourself. I warned you. Was the bear not enough? Are you suicidal?"

"...You're doing this over Mack? R-Really?" Ushra pleaded, "Please, I'll n-never speak to the guy again!"

Zipp giggled as he tossed Ushra's leg aside with his vines, following it up with a quick jerk, snapping Ushra's arms.

"Too little, too late."

Ushra struggled, a shooting pain running through her entire body as the vines scraped at her arms.

"Please." She whimpered, "I..."

She felt like her entire body was gonna rip in two as Zipp pulled at each arm, stretching them to their limit and beyond.

"I'm sorry."

"No, you're not. You just wanna live, am I right?"

Ushra stood in silence as Zipp stared her down. She hung her head guiltily.

"You got me t-there..."

Zipp laughed maniacally as he suddenly tore off Ushra's arms, blood splattering everywhere. He mockingly swung her arms around, taking a sadistic pleasure in holding them.

"Is..." Ushra gurgled, barely hanging onto consciousness, "Are you done? P-Please have mercy. P-Please..."

Ushra sighed in relief as the vines retreated back into the ground, letting her fall to the cave floor, splashing into the pool of her own blood that formed under her. She panted heavily, trying her hardest to stay awake despite the constant flow of blood running out of her wounds.

"I'm giving you five minutes." Zipp said, "Go on, just get up and punch me! Oh, wait, you have no arms!"

He laughed sadistically as Ushra ineffectually swung her prosthetic leg at him, unable to reach.

"Wow! You can't even get up! This is hilarious!"

Ushra defiantly continued struggling, fruitlessly trying to get up.

"You gonna scream for help? What if someone's just outside, ready to help? C'mon, make me laugh."

Ushra widened her eyes in realization.

"H-hey!" She yelled, "Mack?! Eagles?! Literally anyone?! Could someone help?! P-Please..."

"Ah-ha-ha, that's hilarious. There goes your chance at dying with any shred of dignity." Zipp said as he poofed up a phone, "Hey, hey, let's take a selfie of this moment forever!"

Ushra growled as Zipp posed next to her, wrapping a vine around her neck, stabbing into her throat.

"C'mon!" Zipp chuckled, "Say cheese!"

He quickly snapped a photo, the flash hurting Ushra eyes.

"Anyways, why did the chicken cross the road?"

"...W-Why?"

Ushra screamed as Zipp assaulted her with all of his vines, impaling her in multiple spots and killing her instantly.

"Because she didn't know when to back off."

Zipp chuckled at his punchline, despite knowing nobody would ever be able to hear the genius of it. Now... what to do with the body?

...Eh, it's in the mines, already pretty much buried.

Gotta take a souvenir, though!

Ushra's neck let out a sickening crunch as Zipp slowly twisted her head until it snapped off, the insides of her throat gushing out. Zipp giggled as he played with her head, her slack jaw clattering with each movement.

"You think Macksy will love me, Ushra?" Zipp said to the head.

"Oh, I don't!" Zipp said, pretending to be Ushra, moving her jaw around to simulate talking, "He's gonna end up with me!"

Zipp slapped the head, grinning at the satisfying whap.

"Sorry, not sorry, Ushra, but you're kinda dead."

He laughed as he used his phone, sending his bloody selfie to Chris. Time to bring the chaos.

* * *

Tom grumbled at how poorly thought out this challenge was.

It was really just a last minute thing, the entire mine's existence being unrelated to any challenges. But, when they discovered gold...

There's probably not enough gold for everyone. This challenge might be impossible to complete.

Not that anyone would see them complete it anyways, the mines had scarce cameras, some people barely showing in the footage...

She was brought out her thoughts by Chris's phone vibrating. He got a text. She stared at the phone, weighing her options. Chris was away getting a latte, and Les came with him, trying to arrest him in a stupor.

Should she look at his text? What if it's urgent? But, then again, it could be really personal...

Tom prided herself on her good morals. Some could say that being an autistic black woman really made her keen on social issues! And, y'know, this was _totally_ a social issue.

She went to look at his text, groaning when it was just a picture, not showing on his lockscreen. It was from some random number that Chris didn't have in his contacts.

So... what was his password? On a whim, Tom wrote down 1-2-3-4, a password so obvious that nobody should have it-

Tom sighed as the phone unlocked. Typical stupid Chris.

Now she can see that picture, at least. It's not snooping if it's important!

Tom felt her train of thought derail messily, probably crashing onto a hillside and killing thousands. Chris had gotten a picture of-

Okay, this isn't real. This is all just some weird hallucination. Tom rubbed at her eyes, only to gag when she realized the photo was indeed real.

Okay okay okay okay okay okay okay-

She had to warn somebody, anybody. If Zipp mutilated Ushra without the cameras catching him, then what's stopping him from picking off everyone?

Tom gagged again as she stared at the photo, unable to look away. Oh god, she was gonna vomit. Tears welled up in her eyes as she tried desperately to hold the bile down.

"Yo, Tom." Chris yawned as he returned with his latte, "Les kinda went to sleep outside, so... Wait, why are you on my fucking phone?"

"There's been an accident. J-Just..."

Tom held up the phone for Chris to see. He fumed as he stared at the photo.

"...I'm evacuating everyone." Chris said as he grabbed the intercom mic, "I don't care about these kids, but I'm not letting them die."

* * *

Skippy was still digging when the intercom started crackling. She rose an eyebrow.

"H-Hey, stagehands!" Chris said, "Sorry to spoil the fun, but we're evacuating."

* * *

Victor grumbled as Chris continued talking. Challenge is over. Great.

"There's been kind of an accident? Well, accident isn't really the word for it."

* * *

"If anyone's with Ushra and can confirm she's okay, then please let us know."

Mack felt his heart drop with those words. Oh god, she's probably injured really bad.

* * *

Chef grumbled loudly as he held the rope, pulling every teen out one by one. He yanked the rope, hauling Ace out of the hole.

"You the last one?"

"Well..." Ace said as she stood up, "I didn't see Ushra or Zipp-"

"Not including them."

"Y-Yeah?"

"Good."

Chris sighed and grabbed his temple as he stared at the crowd of teens that had formed.

"So..." He grunted, "None of you have seen Ushra or Zipp? Nobody?"

"Well..." Mack said, "I was with her, then the mine kinda collapsed. She was fine, though!"

"Sorry to say, but-"

"Hi-ho!" Zipp chuckled as he teleported next to Chris, still covered in blood and carrying a wet sack like some kind of demented Santa Claus, "How are you guys~? I have presents!"

He stuck his hand in the sack and tossed Tom an arm, who instantly dropped in in disgust.

"Thank you for answering my text!"

He grabbed another arm and tossed it to Chris, who didn't even catch it.

"Thank you for giving me the attention I deserve!"

Zipp chuckled as he tossed a leg at Gala, who jumped in surprise.

"Deedee might of been able to see this coming, so thank you for getting rid of her!"

Xerxes cringed as Zipp hurled a prosthetic leg at his face, hitting him right in the jaw.

"I just like you, Xerxes!" Zipp giggled, "Cherish that leg!"

Mack felt an uneasy feeling grow in his stomach as Zipp slowly floated up to him, rummaging around in his sack. He gagged at the scent of blood and mucus that wafted from the soaked bag.

"For you, Macksie..." Zipp whispered, eyes glowing purple behind his mask, "I got ya something special!"

The entire crowd gasped as Zipp took out Ushra's head, goo oozing out of all her orifices, already starting to decay. He gently handed Mack the head, who dared not drop it.

Mack shuddered as he held the head of his friend, trying to speak, but only able to let out the occasional choked sob.

"Macksie?" Zipp said, "Will you marry me? Please?"

He continued to stare longingly at Ushra's head.

"You're under arrest!" Les droned as he floated towards Zipp, "Murder is-"

Zipp snapped his fingers without even paying Les the slightest glance, vines ripping up from the ground and tearing the poor robot to shreds.

"No, Les!" Tom cried out, "Y-You..."

Tom ran to Les's corpse, bits and pieces strewn across the grass, all fragments too small to ever put him back together.

"Les... you were annoying, but I still thought of you as a friend..."

She desperately tried to scoop the parts up, but Zipp, again without looking, just picked her up with a vine. Despite how much she struggled, she stayed put as Zipp tossed the parts around, breaking and spreading them more.

"Are you done?" He sighed, "Because, if so..."

Mack didn't even flinch as Zipp tenderly wiped away his tears.

"C'mon, Macksie! Say those two words, and I'm yours! I do..."

"...Fuck off."

Zipp yelped as Mack tackled him to the ground, grinding his face into the dirt.

"You killed her!" He yelled, tears running down his face as he punched the jester, "What part of _never_ don't you understand?!"

Mack fell on the ground as Zipp teleported from under him, floating directly above him.

"Fine." Zipp said, "I respect your decision. But, yeesh, you didn't have to beat me up!"

He laughed maniacally.

"I'm kidding! Me, respecting a decision? Ha! Toodles!"

Zipp teleported away, only to come back immediately after and let Tom go. With a shrug, he teleported away one final time.

"...No elimination tonight." Chris said, "I need to lie down..."

* * *

Mack cried as he held Ushra's head in a tight hug, ignoring the gunk dripping onto his shirt and his bed.

"Mack." Claude said gently, "You should get rid of the head."

"Yeah." Victor sneered, "Just fucking bury the nig-"

Victor screeched as Patrick punched him in the arm.

"Let the guy mourn!" He yelled, "Don't insult him, and don't call Ushra the n-word!"

"I have her leg." Xerxes said as he held up the prosthetic leg, "W-We could get all of her pieces and give her a proper burial... Would you want that?"

"Ushra's not dead." Mack whispered.

"Great, he's gone nuts." Victor sighed, "Listen, she's dead, get over it."

Patrick punched Victor again, right in the jaw, knocking him out.

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Please, Mack." Flam pleaded, "Can we bury Ushra?"

"I'm not letting go!" Mack yelled, "I'm not forgetting her! I'm not getting rid of my friend..."

There was a knock on the door, and Retro came in.

"Dudes?" She said, "All of the girls wanna join in... Mind if we come in?"

"It's fine." Nate said, "Don't see the harm..."

All the girls awkwardly shuffled in, silent.

"I have her leg." Gala said, "We gonna bury her, or...?"

"No!" Mack yelled, "I'll sleep in the woods if I have to, I won't let her go!"

Lina started laughing suddenly, much to everyone's confusion.

"H-Hey..." She said, voice wrought with grief, "Didn't we see this coming? Couldn't we have helped? Yet again, she loses limbs under my eye..."

"A-Again?" Emile whispered.

"She lost her leg in my pizzeria, heheh...!"

Lina continued laughing, breaking down into hysterics.

"...Whatever." Yahto grumbled, "I'll miss her. She was so sweet..."

"I miss her already!" Mack sobbed, "I-I..."

He trailed off as Blue passed him a piece of paper.

"I made you a card..." Blue said, "It's quick, but I still think you'll like it."

Mack stared at the card, a crude drawing of everybody as stick figures hugging stick figure Mack was on it, with the words 'Sorry for your loss." on top.

"T-Thank you..."

He wiped away his tears, grinning.

"I love you g-guys... Ushra w-won't be forgotten, r-right?"

"No." Julian said, nodding.

"Jitterbug, this is a serious situation." Xerxes said, "Could you say something more?"

"...No."

"Whatever."

* * *

Chris sighed into the camera, Tom still trying to collect all of Les's parts behind him.

"If I can find his personality chip, we can rebuild him." Tom said shakily, "Where is it, where is it?"

"...That was an awful episode." Chris said, "We might not air it, but if you see this... then I guess we did. We'll see you next time, y'know, if Zipp doesn't kill us."

"Would he?"

"...Keep looking."


	9. It's Snow Go

Tom giggled as she snowboarded down a snowy hill, not even shivering despite her lack of snow wear.

"Dashin' through the snow!" She sang, "On a one-horse open sleigh!"

She looked down at her snowboard to see it turned into Chris. With a shrug, she just ignored it and moved on with her song.

"Over the hills we go! Laughing all the way!"

"This isn't making any sense!" Chris added, "Also, look out for that duck..."

Tom yelled as she narrowly dodged a duck, snow flying everywhere as she struggled to maintain her balance. She let out a sigh of relief and went to finish her song.

"I know this is snow in _summer_ , but I don't give a flying-"

* * *

Tom slowly opened her eyes, wiping them with her bedsheets. Just a really messed up dream. She yawned, and looked out of her window.

There was snow outside.

"Uh..." She stammered, "What? Did-"

She grabbed her glasses, put them on, blinked, and looked again.

Still snow.

"Wow, Chris wasn't kidding when he said he was gonna make it snow. I thought he meant make it rain and was confused or something..."

Tom screeched as a hand came from under her bed, grabbing at her sheets.

"Last time on Total Drama!" Chris yelled as he came from under Tom's bed, "Ushra died, Les died, and I almost shat my fucking pants!"

"WHY ARE YOU **UNDER MY BED?!** "

"I was scared..."

Chris yelped as Tom started hitting him with her pillow, beating him until he went back under the bed completely. She sighed as she plopped back onto her bed.

"I don't get paid enough for this."

"Tom, I can still fucking hear you!"

"I know!"

* * *

Quyen sighed as she sat in the snow, leaning against a tree. She stared at Gala, who was sulking quietly adjacent to her.

"Truthfully." Quyen snarked, "This be the worst date I ever be on, and I went with a dude once! Yar, why ye so glum?"

"...It's my fault."

Quyen blinked in surprise, instantly able to recognize Gala's problem.

"What? Impossible! Ye didn't rip off her limbs, didya?"

"We voted Walter off over Zipp, remember?"

"Well, uh..."

"A-And, remember what he said?" Gala added, shaking, "Maybe Deedee wasn't as stupidly crazy as she seemed..."

"Yar, how were ye supposed to know that?" Quyen scoffed, "T'is an honest mistake!"

Quyen jumped a little in surprise as Gala flopped on her back, sighing loudly.

"Gala?"

Gala rolled over onto her side, still sighing.

"...G-Gala?"

Quyen groaned, standing up. She picked Gala up and walked off with her, slightly disappointed.

"You wanna try another date later?" Quyen said gently, "When ye not a special coffee order of depresso, half-fat, steamed to 102 heat..."

"Fine..."

* * *

"Good morning, space princess!"

Mack giggled as he held Ushra's rotting head, more slime dripping from her eyesockets and mouth, a foul stench overtaking the entire boy's trailer.

"This is a rare emotion for me," Victor said, "But I'm honestly concerned."

"Ushra's doing fine! She's just... tired."

"For the love of all that is good!" Patrick yelled, "Please just let us bury her! She deserves rest!"

"B-But she doesn't like being stuck in one place!"

"Listen." Xerxes said, "We gotta bury her. You think she would like decaying above ground, disgusting everyone within noseshot?"

"She would be like Idalene!" Victor yelled.

"I heard that!" Idalene screeched from outside.

Mack quietly looked at the head.

"...Fine." Mack sniffled, "Can I at least keep her helmet?"

"If it'll help with the coping process." Patrick said, "Now, let's go bury her!"

"Thank fucking christ!" Victor yelled.

"Y-Yeah..." Mack stuttered as he removed his party hat, putting Ushra's helmet on instead, "Let's go..."

* * *

"Skippy!" Ace yelled as she built a snowman, "Do ya wanna build a snowman-"

Ace recoiled as Skippy slapped her right across the face.

"Dude, what the fuck are you thinking?!" Skippy screamed, "That song's _copyrighted!_ "

"Hey, guys!" Flam chirped, "We singing Disney songs?"

"No!"

"Hakuna matata! It means no worries!"

Skippy growled as Flam's phone rang, playing the My Little Pony theme.

"Man, I really gotta change my ringtone." Flam scoffed, "Ponies aren't relevant anymore!"

He pulled out his phone and answered it.

"Hoi, dude!" Flam chuckled, "Sorry if I'm late, this old iPhone 6 glitches on me a lot, Apple products tend to do that. You think getting a Blackberry would be worth it? ...Can I still play Simpsons Tapped Out on a Blackberry?"

"You doing this on purpose just to spite me?" Skippy grumbled, "Ace, you see this, right? We're gonna get shut down..."

"Oh, it's your birthday?" Flam gasped, "Ace, Skippy, today's Donny's birthday!"

"Isn't the happy birthday song copyrighted?" Ace whispered, "And who's Donny?"

"Happy birthday to you!" Flam sung, "Happy-"

* * *

 **THIS PROGRAM HAS BEEN TERMINATED, COURTESY OF DISNEY, HASBRO, APPLE, FOX, BLACKBERRY OR WHOEVER OWNS BLACKBERRY I GUESS, AND WHATEVER COMPANY HOLDS RIGHTS TO HAPPY BIRTHDAY. WHO THE FUCK-**

* * *

"We gonna take long?" Victor snarled, kicking at the snow, "I'm afraid the retard will see me and harrass me again..."

"Shut the fuck up." Xerxes said as he filled in the hole with dirt, "We gotta give her a proper burial, and I'm almost done the burying!"

He patted the ground with his shovel, grinning.

"There! It's perfect."

"Finally..." Mack whispered, "This is great..."

He slouched a little.

"Well, okay, it's not g-great because I'm burying a good friend and..."

"Dude." Patrick said gently, "You gonna be okay? You want us to leave you alone?"

"K-Kinda..."

"No way!" Victor guffawed, "I wanna see you cry!"

Victor yelped as Xerxes dragged him away by his ear, Patrick trailing behind. Mack sighed, finally alone. He sat down, ignoring the cold snow that froze and nipped bitterly at his rear.

"Guess this is it."

He stared longingly at the patch of dirt Ushra was buried in, completely at a loss for words.

"I tried to make the burial all good and stuff, which is kinda hard considering that I couldn't retrieve your torso. You're above missing a nice bit of your body while in your unmarked grave right near your death site, but..."

Mack blinked, remembering the helmet on his head. He scratched nervously at the back of his neck.

"Also, sorry for stealing your helmet. I... I have to remember you somehow. I mean, not that I wouldn't remember you otherwise."

With a sigh, Mack plopped onto his back.

"It's my fault, honestly. If I left you alone, maybe this wouldn't have happened. I'm so, so, so sorry. When time machines are invented, whether it be in my time or not, I or some descendant will come back and stop me. You're worth causing a paradox for."

Mack laughed, feeling tears well up in his eyes.

"H-Hey, remember when you let me sleep with you? Wasn't that awkward? P-Pretty sure I kicked you a couple times..."

More tears fell.

"F-Funny how the space princess ended her l-life in the dirt. How... _ironic._ You should've died in space, where you belong, where y-you spent so much time... If I had the resources, I w-would shoot you into space! Wouldn't you love that? Floating amongst the cosmos..."

Mack laid down in silence, shivering as snow fell on him.

"I miss you."

* * *

"Why are y'all following me?"

Emile grumbled as she turned around, seeing nobody behind her. Just a hallucination? Or...

She stared at a tree, pondering what to do. She methodically punched it, Soren falling out and hitting the ground.

"Ow!" Soren yelled, "Aw, Emile..."

Claude jumped out of the tree, expertly landing on his feet.

"Dude, you okay?!"

"Heh... not really."

"Emile, why?!"

"Uh..." Emile whispered, "I'm just w-wondering why..."

"Pfft, Emile!" Soren chuckled, still on the ground, "Obviously we're making sure you don't hurt yourself!"

"Yeah!" Claude added, "You're not gonna, like, slice your wrists open if we're watching, right?"

"Invade my p-privacy, why don't ya?" Emile mumbled, "Can y-you not do that? I kinda have schizophrenia and PTSD and t-this stalking is a little... _much._ "

"Safety over privacy." Soren said, "Rather you be uncomfortable over dead."

Emile sighed as Claude and Soren climbed on her back, sitting on her shoulders.

"T-Thanks, I guess..."

* * *

Tom stood around as Chris wrote his plans in his phone, furiously typing.

"Don't you miss him, Chris?"

Chris furrowed his brow, continuing to type.

"We'll rebuild him."

"But... you made it snow. We can't find his parts easily like that..."

Chris blinked, and glared at Tom. He closed his phone, never breaking his stare.

"...Stagehands!" Chris screamed, suddenly whipping out his microphone, "It's challenge time!"

* * *

In due time, everybody gathered around Chris, shivering because of the snow.

"Who's ready to suffer?!" Retro screamed, "Yeehaw!"

"I'm always suffering." Emile said frankly, "Always..."

Suddenly, Zipp poofed onto the scene, still covered in blood. Everybody stared apprehensively at him, awkwardly shifting away from him.

"Tally-ho!" He chirped, "Did someone say suffering~?"

"Who cares?" Chris sneered, "Not I! You guys will be having a snowball fight!"

"Yeah!" Blue yelled, "Holy fuck yeah!"

"This reminds me of the time I fucking **_murdered_** this guy once!" Skippy screamed joyously, "Holy fuck, snowball fight!"

"Snowball fights suck." Idalene said, yelping when Blue and Skippy pelted her with snowballs.

"Do not mock our god!" Blue screeched, "Snowball!"

"Uh..." Chris stammered, "Okay? Get hit once, you're out. Grizzlies vs Eagles, let's go!"

* * *

"We shall remain victorious!" Xerxes yelled, standing atop the Grizzlies snow fort, "Rampaging Grizzlies forever! Yes, I remembered the Rampaging part! I feel like I'm the only one!"

"True." Julian whispered, "Very true."

"I can use my vines!" Zipp chuckled.

Mack growled as he watched Zipp use his vines to pick up tons of snow, all the better to beat the Eagles with.

"Dirty killer." Mack grumbled lowly.

"Hey!" Victor screamed atop the Eagles fort, "You fucking plant! You're going down-"

Victor screamed as Zipp hit him with a snowball, sending him flying off the fort. A buzzer sounded as Chris started talking over the intercom.

"Victor's gone! 11 Grizzlies left, 9 Eagles left!"

"We have a distinct disadvantage!" Lina yelled, "What are we gonna do?!"

Katana started mumbling at her, prompting her paw to reach her temple at record speed.

"I may be advanced, but not that advanced..."

"She says that who we have left is enough!" Retro yelled, "I disagree, but..."

"Oi, who fucking cares?!" Yahto screamed, "Bonzai!"

Yahto charged towards the frontlines, dashing across No Man's Land as she threw snowballs, all miraculously missing their target. When she realized her failure, she sulked back.

"Okay, nevermind, I care."

"Maybe we can appeal to their emotions?" Nate suggested, "You think the prospect of getting rid of Zipp would motivate them into giving up?"

"That's so stupid!" Patrick yelled, "Why would they give up?!"

Meanwhile, Gala was talking quietly to Quyen behind their fort.

"We should give up."

"Yar?!" Quyen said, "Why?!"

"You really feel comfortable with a mass murderer on your team?!"

"Well, no, but..."

Gala peeked her head over the fort, jumping in front of it. She put her arms up in surrender.

"Hey, Eagles!" She yelled, "Hit me! We gotta work together to get rid of a certain murdering bastard! I know we're on different teams, but we need to collaborate on this common goal!"

"Son of a gun." Patrick said, "They're really doing it..."

"Gala, no!" Quyen screamed, "It's not worth it!"

"It's either play die now..." Gala said, "Or real die later! See you on the other side, babe!"

Quyen screamed as Patrick pelted Gala with a snowball, prompting her to lie down on the ground, "dead".

"No! You had so much to live fer!"

"10 Grizzlies left." Chris said, "9 Eagles left."

"Oh, no!" Zipp yelled, "You're not gonna give up that easily! As long as you have me, we will never ever lose!"

He tossed a snowball, violently hitting Patrick right in the noggin.

"Augh!" Patrick yelled, "That wasn't snow, that was ice!"

He patted his head, cringing when he saw blood.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god!"

"10 Grizzlies." Chris said, "8 Eagles."

"I volunteer to give up!" Mack yelled, "Hit me, hit me-"

He yelped as Zipp roughly grabbed him with his vines, tossing him aside.

"NO!" He growled, "YOU ARE **MINE!** "

"I shall appease the snowball gods!" Blue screamed as she tossed snowballs at Zipp, missing her mark, "Skippy, help!"

Skippy tossed his snowball, missing by a longshot and pelting the already-gone Gala.

"Ow!" Gala yelled, "Don't insult the dead!"

"Gala, I'm sorry!" Quyen yelled, "I shouldn't have let you die! I'm coming with you!"

Quyen stood next to Gala, grinning widely when Skippy hit her with a snowball. She plopped next to Gala, holding her hand.

"I wish I had the time to say this while ye were alive..." Quyen whispered, a single tear running down her face, "But I love you."

"We're not dead! ...Wait, you love me?!"

"What is it ye Frenchies say? J'apple?"

"...You botched it so badly, it's je t'aime."

"Huh, thought it was j'apple, y'know, because you be the j'apple of my eye?"

"...Dweeb!"

"Stop flirting!" Chris boomed, "9 Grizzlies, 8 Eagles!"

"Oh, you idiots..." Zipp chuckled, strained, "Thinking you can drag me down..."

More vines burst from the ground, wrapping around his remaining teammates in a protective spike shield. He grabbed more snow and tossed it at the Eagles.

"Careful!" Patrick yelled, still bleeding, "He has ice-"

An ice chunk hit Retro right in the face, shattering her glasses. She fell back, yelling as the glass went back into her face.

"Retro!" Yahto yelled, running to her, "Y-You okay?!"

Yahto shakily shook Retro's body, panic rising in her stomach as blood tainted the snow red. She shuddered as Retro's broken frames fell off her face. Yahto felt sick.

"Katana, get over here! She's bleed-"

She ducked down as more ice fell from above, pelting her back.

"9 Grizzlies." Chris said, "6 Eagles."

Katana ran up to her fallen sister, ripping off her hood.

"Sis!" She yelled, "Sis, you okay?"

Retro rolled over, shards of glass and blood falling out of her left eye. She groggily blinked with her right eye, her contacts making it yellow with red irises, a large shard of glass preventing her from closing the other. Everytime she tried to blink, her eyelids got snagged on the glass.

"I got a headache..." Retro groggily mumbled, "He broke my contacts..."

Katana whimpered as Retro fell unconscious, her bloody eye staring blankly into the distance. She stood up, angrily piling snow in her hands.

"You just made this personal!" Katana yelled, tears running down her face, "Retro's the only thing I got, and I refuse to let you hurt my baby sister and get off all scot-free!"

Zipp cleverly manipulated his vines, blocking every single shot Katana threw at his team. Regardless, Katana persisted, throwing faster than anyone has ever seen.

"Is this a game to you?!" Zipp chuckled, "You think I'll just let you shoot me down?!"

"...It won't be me!" Katana said knowingly.

"Wait, what-"

Suddenly, Lina threw a snowball, pelting Claude.

"Ah!" Claude whined, "Ow! Thanks! But... ow."

"You're welcome!" Lina giggled, "It's the least I could do!"

"Cheater!" Zipp screeched, shovelling up a wad of ice, "Eat this, lion!"

Time seemed to slow down as Nate tackled Lina to the ground, the ice narrowly missing them as it barrelled just centimetres above them.

"Oh god." Nate panted, "Wouldn't wanna get hit with that, huh?"

"Heh..." Lina giggled, "Nope!"

"8 Grizzlies." Chris said, "6 Eagles."

"Mind hitting me next?!" Xerxes yelled, "This vine's giving me a wedgie!"

"S-Same!" Julian screamed, "Help..."

Blue threw a snowball at Xerxes, but Zipp caught it with his vine. He quickly threw it back, knocking Blue in the noggin.

"Well, fuck." Blue grumbled.

"I got this!" Skippy yelled as he chucked a snowball at Julian, barely hitting him. Zipp gagged in disgust as he dropped his now-useless teammate.

"Lucky bugger!" Xerxes chuckled.

"7 Grizzlies." Chris said, "5 Eagles."

Emile struggled against the vines, yelping when the thorns stuck into her sensitive face.

"Soren?" She said, "You doing okay?"

"Yeah!" Soren replied, vines barely holding onto him, clinging his mask, "Claude, how's it feel to be free?"

"Awful!" Claude yelled from the ground, "I can't help you guys down!"

"Can't Soren just take off his mask?" Emile said gently, "It's the only place the vines are holding..."

"I am not taking off my mask!" Soren screeched, "Y'all ain't seeing my face!"

Soren cried out as more vines wrapped around him, constricting him. A stray snowball flew in and hit Emile, prompting Zipp to let her go.

Emile fell to the ground in a typical Emile fashion: painfully and embarrassingly.

"6 Grizzlies." Chris said, "5 Eagles."

"No!" Zipp yelled, "This can't be happening!"

"Yeah!" Lina chirped, "You're going down, Mr. Meanieface!"

"All the way down!" Nate yelled, "Hell yeah!"

"Heckie yes!"

Zipp growled as he dug up a massive chunk of ice, bigger than anyone had ever seen before, almost like a small iceberg. Before anyone knew what was going on, he chucked it at Lina.

In the split second before the ice shattered her poor robot body into pieces, she let out a loud mechanical screech, cut off by her voice box cracking.

"No!" Nate screamed, "Lina!"

He barely felt Zipp hit his back with a chunk of ice as he bent down next to his fallen companion, just a pile of scraps and bolts at this point.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god..."

Nate scooped up as many parts as he could, making sure not to let any be buried.

"Oh..." Chris said, "6 Grizzlies, 3 Eagles."

"We can't lose!" Katana yelled, "We gotta avenge Ushra!"

"I'm a trained professional!" Skippy replied, "Wait, three? Who's our third guy?"

They both facepalmed as they listened to Flam screaming from behind the fort.

"Whatever." Katana grumbled, "Let's fucking go!"

Zipp laughed maniacally as Katana and Skippy charged towards him.

"Oh, still fighting, hmm?" He giggled, "Ooh, it's always funner when they fight back~!"

"Funner isn't a word, dipshit!" Skippy yelled.

"Fuck off!"

He tossed a large ice chunk at Skippy, who rolled to avoid it. Katana grinned as she chucked a snowball at Ace, who fell into the snow as Zipp let her go.

"Thanks!" She said, "Gosh, it's cold..."

With a snarl, Zipp kept deflecting snowballs, groaning when Skippy hit Soren.

"Am I gonna be let down?" Soren yelled, still ensnared, "C'mon!"

"4 Grizzlies!" Chris shouted, "3 Eagles!"

"We believe in you, Kat!" Yahto screamed, "Do it for Retro!"

Katana let her rage fuel her as she hurled a snowball at Xerxes, hitting him.

"Ah, that hurt!" Xerxes yelled.

Zipp let him go, and he fell to the ground.

"That hurt more!"

"3 Grizzlies!" Chris yelled, "3 Eagles!"

"It's tied!" Tom added, "Oh my gosh!"

"A tie?!" Zipp screeched, "No, no, NO!"

In the midst of his temper tantrum, he chucked ice everywhere, slamming Katana into the snow with a well-placed blow to the head.

Skippy ignored this as he threw another snowball, hitting Idalene.

"Thank you!" Idalene yelled, "Please win-"

She stopped talking as Zipp hurled more ice at Skippy, hitting him in the stomach. He groaned loudly as he fell to the ground, clutching his stomach in agony.

"Fuck you, Zipp..." Skippy grunted, "Fuck you..."

"Not that it matters!" Zipp giggled, "It's just me and Macksie against lil ole Flam! Isn't that right?"

Flam timidly peeked his head out from behind the fort.

"You coming out?"

Zipp laughed as Flam ducked back down.

"Ooh, timid men are the best~!"

Flam yelped as Zipp chucked a massive ice block at his fort, crumbling it and leaving him defenseless.

"You see this, Macksie?" Zipp guffawed, "Oh man!"

Mack grumbled as Zipp moved him around with his vines, keeping him extra tight. Despite all this, he had an idea.

"Zipp, you know what would make me happy?"

"If it's losing, I ain't doing it."

"Nah, I just wanna have an Epic Dude Hug."

"N-Now?!"

Mack blushed, face turning red as he shyly looked away.

"Seeing you destroy the other team was... really cute."

"Ah!" Zipp gasped, "R-Really?!"

Flam quickly realized what was happening, and yelled.

"Mack, don't do it!" He said stiffly, everybody realizing he was kind of a bad actor, "Don't you remember Ushra?!"

"Fuck Ushra!" Mack yelled, a feeling of guilt coming from cursing on his late friend rising in his gut, "The love of my life is Zipp!"

"Ah!" Zipp squeed, timidly grabbing at his face in embarrassment, "You really m-mean it?! I... I'm so..."

Zipp bounced around in the air happily, gushing loudly.

"Oh my gosh!"

Flam quickly chucked a snowball at Zipp, him not realizing that he was hit. Mack gave him a thumbs up as Zipp forced him into an Epic Dude Hug, which was a hug, only epicer and dudier.

Mack scrunched his face in preparation as he readied himself for Flam's shot, which came in a quick cold burst, snow running down his face. Chris blared his airhorn, grinning widely.

"Eagles win!" Chris sneered, "Guess someone couldn't control their libido~!"

"...What?" Zipp said, turning his head, neck cracking as it turned further than any normal neck should go, "What did you say?"

"...Oh no." Mack gulped, feeling Zipp's grip intensify.

"I said you lost!" Chris yelled, "That's right, you clown-faced fuck!"

Zipp quickly inhaled a sharp breath of air, and slowly exhaled.

"I can accept that."

"You can?"

"Mmm-hmm, but let it be known that nothing stops until I say it does. Trying to stop the hands of fate is futile."

He suddenly teleported away, leaving Mack to fall into the snow. Mack groaned, raising his arm to signal he was alright.

"Helmet made it better!" Mack grunted, "T-Thank you, Flam!"

"No problem, man." Flam chuckled as he helped Mack up, "That was really clever of you, dude!"

"Aw, thanks~!"

"Hey, is everybody okay?" Tom yelled as she walked up to the group, holding a clipboard, "Uh, Retro's unconscious and half-blind, Lina's shattered, is everybody else decent?"

She looked around, sweating heavily despite how cold it was.

"I... I think we're all good. Nate, you collect all of Lina's parts yet?"

"Just about!" Nate replied, "Could someone hand me a hand or something?"

"I will!" Skippy grumbled, still on the ground, "Y'know, when the pain leaves..."

"Okay!" Tom said, "Yahto, Katana, you got Retro?"

"Y-yeah..." Katana whimpered as she held her little sister, Yahto helping to hold her legs, "Uh, where do we go with her?"

"Chef might be able to help? He's in the kitchen, so..."

"Okay, thanks!"

Katana darted off, Yahto sweating as she struggled to keep up.

"Anyways." Chris said, "Grizzlies, instantly go and vote, I just want this to get over with."

* * *

 **Confessional:** We all know how this will end...

 **Emile:** Down with cis! I m-mean... Zipp. Whoops.

 **Mack:** Revenge! Finally...

 **Xerxes:** Listen, there's being evil and going too far, and Zipp went way too far.

 **Idalene:** Shit's gonna go down! Nyeh-heh-heh, puns!

* * *

All of the Grizzlies sat in their bleachers, all glaring at Zipp, who was maniacally laughing despite his imminent elimination.

"And you're laughing why?" Soren said, "Listen, dude, you're pretty much gone."

"Aye!" Quyen chuckled, "We literally threw a challenge so ye could leave, ye don't stand a chance!"

"Like, it's so obvious that I'm not even gonna dignify this with a dramatic spiel." Chris yawned, "Zipp, get the fuck outta here."

Zipp shrugged, giggling.

"Aw, you think I care?" He said, "How cute. It's never over until the cash gets dealt, and I got a plan that'll make your heads spin~!"

Without looking, a vine shot out of the ground and grabbed Mack by the collar.

"Fate has some plans for you, _traitor._ "

Zipp teleported away, leaving Mack ensnared in the vines. He grumbled as the vines wormed around his body.

"Uh... someone help?"

Xerxes grinned as he walked up to Mack, fists on fire. He lit the vines on fire, Mack sweating with the heat as all the vines slowly burnt into ashes. Eventually, everything burned, and Mack was free.

"Thank you."

"No problem."

* * *

"IT HURTS."

Nate felt a shiver go down his spine as he slowly rebuilt Lina, her barely functioning torso twitching and sparking.

"NATE, MAKE IT STOP."

Lina emitted a loud screeching static that rang through the boy's trailer, her droning barely recognizable.

"PLEASE, STOP."

"I can't, Lina, I'm sorry."

With a metallic clang, Nate reattached one of Lina's legs. He wiped at the tears that were running down his face.

"PLEASE STOP CRYING." Lina droned, her voice deep with damage, "NATE, I CAN'T HANDLE THIS."

"O-Okay, distract me."

"MY VOICE IS REALLY DEEP AND LOUD, PLEASE FIX IT."

"Uh..."

"UH, WHAT?"

Nate sheepishly looked away, covering his face in shame.

"It's kinda broken. The water damage from earlier combined with the mountain fall mixed with today just kinda... yeah."

"I..."

Lina barely noticed Nate reattaching her other leg, the feeling returning to the lower part of her body.

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE LIKE THIS?" Lina said, "I'M SUPPOSED TO SING! WHAT AM I IF I CAN'T DO MY ONE JOB?! I'M... I'M USELESS."

"No, Lina, you're not useless." Nate said gently, "Please never say that about yourself."

He wrapped his arms around Lina in a tight hug, Lina feeling guilty that her lack of arms made her unable to reprociate. She snuggled up against his shoulder, oil dripping from her mouth onto his back in a black mess.

"IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?"

"Right arm is completely unable to function. You want me to put it back on anyways, or...?"

"LEAVE ME BE."

"Don't worry, when we get off of this show, I'll fix you right up perfectly! I'll give you a makeover and everything..."

Lina blushed as she felt Nate hug her tighter, refusing to let go.

"New parts, new metals, new everything. I'll fix your face up, I swear."

"Y-YOU WOULD DO THAT?"

"Anything for you."

Nate grinned as he broke the hug, grabbing Lina's left arm and reattaching it to her torso. Lina warily moved her paw, making sure everything is alright.

"Keep living, cutiebot!" Nate giggled, "Don't wanna miss my birthday, right?"

Lina felt her entire universe crash in when she heard that sentence.

"B-BIRTHDAY? WHEN?!"

"Not tomorrow, but the next day!"

"I, UH... I GOTTA GO!"

She slowly got up and waddled away, much to Nate's dismay. With a clang, she ran into the door, shook her head, opened the door, then finally left.

* * *

 **Confessional:** BIRTH

 **Lina:** I'M A BIRTHDAY LION! I GOTTA SING FOR NATE, B-BUT... HOW CAN I SING LIKE _THIS?_

 **Nate:** Honestly, I'm worried for Lina. All the damage she's accumulated has made her extremely fragile, I doubt I will be able to repair most of the damages she'll sustain from now on...

* * *

The medical tent was quiet. Sure, Chef patched Retro up to the best of his abilities, and left Yahto and Katana alone with her, but she was still out like a light. Yahto sighed, staring at Katana, who had her hood up.

"Kat, you okay?"

Katana gingerly averted her gaze, opting instead to stare longingly at her little sister, eye covered in bloody bandages.

"It's not your fault."

With a sigh, Katana pulled her hood further over her head, hiding in it. Yahto blinked in surprise, and hesitantly patted her on the back.

"So, uh, she has nice contacts." Yahto said, thinking back to Retro's red iris on yellow sclera, "Where'd you get it?"

Katana sunk deeper into her hood. Yahto cringed when she heard sobs.

"Uh... I..."

Retro started stirring, which made Katana perk up. She ripped off her hood as Retro finally woke up, showing off the tears that were running down her face.

"S-Sis!" Katana said, "You okay? D-Does it hurt?!"

"What...?" Retro groaned, "Headache. What happened? Where are we?"

"You got your eye stabbed out, you're in the doctor tent."

"...Eye... stabbed?"

Retro whimpered as she felt her left eyesocket, realizing her eye was gone.

"Where is it?"

Yahto grunted, gesturing her head to a jar on the counter, Retro's barely-recognizable eyeball floating in the water. Retro bit at her lip, sinking further into her pillow.

"My eye is gone." She said, "Oh god, oh god..."

She laughed, tears coming out of her remaining eye.

"That was my good one too! Heh..."

Katana gently held Retro's hand with a tiny reassuring smile.

"At least you're alive." Katana chuckled, "C'mon, we'll get through this together."

Retro jokingly gagged as Katana gave her a quick sisterly kiss on the forehead, desperately wiping at the area of contact with jokingly panic.

"Ew, Kat!" Retro giggled, "I'm not six anymore! Kisses aren't cool!"

* * *

Quyen scratched at her head, leaning up against her tree, feeling the snow nip at her rear. Gala was talking, grabbing at her face excitedly as she spoke.

"I started it!" Gala chirped, "I made everybody give up! I... I did it! I got rid of Zipp, aren't you proud?"

Quyen absentmindedly looked at her hands, seemingly out of it.

"Quyen?"

"Yar?"

"You okay?"

"Uh..." Quyen grumbled, blushing, "Well, be honest, are we dating?"

Gala scratched nervously at her arm, sweating as she blushed.

"I don't know?" Gala said, "Um..."

"Because, well..." Quyen added, "A date is what we're having now. Dating is consecutive dates, I think. I ain't a romance-knowledgable girl..."

"We... We only had two dates? Today? And the first one was shit..."

"Still, can we evolve into dating? P-Please?"

Gala blushed, slouching out of embarrassment.

"How far away is that from girlfriends?"

"Well, uh..." Quyen stammered, "That's complicated. I think you're just supposed to ask?"

"I'm not very romance-knowledgable either." Gala shrugged, "You're my first girlfriend."

Quyen stared blankly at Gala, her blush deepening.

"G-Girlfriend?"

With a gentle smile, Gala leaned forward and grabbed Quyen's hand, her face so close to Quyen's that she could feel her heavy breathing.

"I mean..." Gala said, "If you're going to accept my offer... Be my girlfriend?"

Quyen grinned as she grabbed Gala's cheek with her free hand roughly, happy tears starting to form in her eyes.

"Y-Yeah!" Quyen yelled just a little bit too loudly, excitement running through her body, "I wouldn't deny you for the world! I..."

Shakily, Quyen hauled Gala closer, time stopping as they locked lips. Gala held Quyen's hand tighter, intertwining their fingers together. She smiled bashfully when they separated, Quyen bouncing with delight.

"Oh gosh, oh gosh!" Quyen squeed, "I got a girlfriend! Ma will be so proud! I..."

Quyen wiped at her face, tears and snot flowing due to her extreme joy.

"T-Thank you."

"It's nothing, really." Gala giggled, sitting on Quyen's lap, "Je t'aime."

"J'apple you too!"

"Dork...!"

* * *

"Les...?"

Tom dug around in the dirt, the snow melting and turning it all into mud. Tiffany stood over her, staring at the moon.

"Pfft, it's obviously getting a bit fucking late for you, Tom." Tiffany scoffed, "It's 11 pm and he ain't gonna respond. Why the fuck did you bring me anyways?"

"I asked Chef, and he was preparing for tomorrow's challenge..." Tom replied, "Sorry."

"So, I'm a second choice?!"

"Yeah..."

Tiffany growled, dropping to her knees and joining Tom in digging around in the mud. She picked up a piece of Les and chucked it at Tom, bonking her in the head.

"I'll show _you_ who's a _second choice!_ " Tiffany grumbled, "I'm-"

"Tiff, you found his memory chip!"

Tom beamed as she stood up, mud dripping all over the place. Tiffany followed suit, standing up.

"And you're standing up why?" Tiffany said, "Oh, I decide to help you, and you abandon me-"

She squeaked when Tom suddenly hugged her, snuggling her face into her body. Tom was short, so her head fit perfectly atop her chest. Reluctantly, Tiffany patted Tom's back.

"That's the only vital part I need!" Tom said, "Thank you!"

"Uh..." Tiffany replied, "Y-You're welcome..."

* * *

Chris sat on a lawn chair, kicking his feet up as he sipped his latte. He shrugged.

"I have no idea why I even do these anymore, you watched the episode, why do I gotta recap it? How fucked up is that?"

He chugged his latte, tossing the empty cup aside.

"For those with short term memory loss: rest in pieces Zipp, Retro's eye, Lina in general literally, and any heterosexuality between Gala and Quyen."

Chris yawned, rubbing at his eyes.

"Whatever, find out what happens next time on Total Drama Action Replay, I guess. I'm exhausted, this show isn't easy you know. I had to get the snow machine, figure out how it works, and- No, don't turn off the camera-!"


	10. I Can't Sleep

Can't sleep.

Can't sleep, can't sleep, _can't fucking sleep._

The nightmares have always been a recurring thing throughout my life. Nights go by sleeplessly, and whenever I manage to scrounge up a bit of sleep, it gets yanked from beneath me, leaving me in a cold sweat.

Ever since I got to the film lot, it's been getting worse and worse. It's always been vivid, and scarily accurate to real life, but never to this level.

 _...I need to stop it._

I know what's going to happen, I always do, and I'm usually able to stop it.

But... this time I feel like it's futile. Does that make any sense?

Visions of everybody dying. Not just the cast, but everybody in the world.

It's easy to save one person, one life. There's only a few things that make that difficult, especially when you know what's going on, but the world?

...It doesn't help everybody thinks I'm crazy. You get diagnosed with schizophrenia once, and suddenly you're a loon.

Let me introduce myself, my name is Deanne Calloway, otherwise known as Deedee. Yes, that Deedee, the 'loon' from Total Drama Action Replay. I'm not crazy, okay? I'm just _off._ Having psychic abilities and minor reality-warping powers really makes you a little awkward. I don't think before I speak, like, at all.

So... yeah.

I can't sleep.

Really.

My bed is comfy and all, but I can't help but have this premonition.

I groggily grabbed my glasses, putting them on. Someone's gonna knock on my door in 3, 2, 1...

 _Knock, knock, knock..._

Right on time.

"Deals are not to be made at night, so leave." I said, even though _'Go away, clownface, I'm trying to sleep.'_ would've done better, "Zipp, you're evil, so go."

Despite my warning, the door slowly creeped open, Zipp staring at me through the doorway, him barely visible in the dark hallway.

"So you know what I want, hmm?" He chuckled, "You're smarter than I thought..."

"Leave."

Right as I expected, Zipp summoned a vine and tried to grab me, but I effortlessly ducked, watching it crash into the wall behind me.

"What do you want?" I grunted.

"Huh, _way_ smarter than I thought..." Zipp murmured to himself, "Deedee, darling, I want but one thing!"

He teleported closer, his face just inches away from mine, eyes glowing brightly.

 **"I WANT A DEAL."**

"Knowing everything doesn't make you dumb." I scoffed, "Dealing is for cards, and you're not intimidating anyways!"

Zipp slouched, his eyes going dark again.

"Aw, but I thought you wanted to stop the huge catastrophe!" He whined, "Watching everybody die is fun and all, but..."

"...Maybe I am a card."

"Oh-ho!" Zipp chuckled, "Deedee, I just want to give you the one thing you've always wanted!"

"...Squirrels!"

"No, ultimate power!"

I cocked my head, "Why?"

"Err, why I'm giving you it or why you would want it?"

"Why?"

Zipp sighed, putting his face in his hands.

"I want to give you power so you have a chance to stop me, duh!" He grumbled, "We have gone beyond the competition, so your influence against me means nothing now! It's no fun if there's no one to try and stop me..."

I blinked. Ultimate power, huh? Could I trust this jester to actually give me power? I furrowed my brow, not once did I ever see this occurrence happening, much like getting eliminated.

Any chance to save the world is a chance worth taking.

"Well?"

"What must I give?"

Zipp perked up again, wildly laughing.

"Your soul." Zipp said, "The very culmination of your being. I have plenty of souls, but one more to add to my collection would be swell~!"

...Hmm. Risky. What if I lost? My entire being would just cease to exist! But if I won, maybe I could steal it back. Huh...

My eyes widened in surprise as Zipp held his hand out, waiting for me to shake on it.

"Win or lose, it's all in good fun." He said, "You like fun, right?"

I glared at Zipp as I grabbed his hand, giving him a firm handshake. This may have been a mistake, but some inkling in the back of my mind considered this all justified.


End file.
